I need some advice

[Jodie23]

I have just come out of a 5 year relationship with my boyfriend. We have lived together for 4 years and we have got two dogs (which I miss SO SO SO much). The thing is I had to move back to my parents so he has the house and my two dogs. I really miss him and I thought we would be tigether forever. Its been about a week now and he has moved one of his friends in to the house AND to make things worse he has said he is sort of seeing someone else, I really dont know what to do. I really want to call him and beg for him back but I know that will not get me anywhere. He done everything for me and everyone thought we would always be together. He is 26 and I am 23. Do u think I have smothered him too much and if I do not get in contact with him do u think that will make him want me or should I phone him and ask 4 us to get back together. Also this "other" girl do u think it could just be a rebound. Please give me some advice.

 

Thank you so much

[Athena]

HI Jodi,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. And to be away from the dogs on top of it!!

 

What were the circumstances that caused you to move out? Was that mostly your decision or his? It's really important for anyone to give their opinion on your question without knowing "who left who". If you left him, his behavior could indicate one thing, where as if he broke it off, his behavior may indicate something else.

 

That's pretty quick I must say to have someone else moved in AND to be seeing someone else, all withing one week of you moving out... (suspicion mounting on my part but I don't have enough info to speculate )

 

-A

[Mar]

I have to agree with Athena-a week is very, VERY short time to get together with someone else after a long relationship, regardless of who broke up with who or the circumstances surrounding it. It's not fair to the new person, who may not know that the person they're seeing has just come out of a long relationship a week earlier, and could very well get dumped once the "grieving process" sets in.

 

But I agree-what were the circumstances surrounding the breakup? That would certainly help in determining what may happen in the future!

 

Mar

[Jodie23]

Well Paul (thats HIS name!!) started wanting his own space saying that I always want to go where he goes. He had always liked us going out together so I never saw this as a problem then he started changing and saying we argued to much and I said I will go then (I did not think he would let me). This was about three weeks ago, anyway in those three weeks we tried getting back together but he only wanted to see me in the week and I could not handle that, fair enough if we had only just started going out together so I finally said on Monday that it just was not working, he could not understand how it was hurting me......I know it is my fault for calling it off but I thought he would atleast try and fight for mr but he hasnt and now he claims he has someone else! I honestly did not think he would do this to me. He has never cheated on me, do you think that he just want a different life for a bit? Like a mug though I would take him back and I think that perhaps he knows this! Do u think he could be trying to hurt me......OHHHH Im so confused and hurting like hell. Especially today, Valentines Day.

[colly]

Whilst i cannot ofer you and advice as such since if i did have advice, i would be following it myself - but i do wonder if you want to talk. I mean, i have experienced the same longing to be ith somebody so much that it has likely pushed them away.

 

I think it is a mistake we must learn from.

 

I too cannot concieve how someone can hide their feelings like that, or show none at all. I have seen this done to me however. And yes, you would think he would fight for you. Infact, thinking that my ex would fight for me is probably what drove me to call it off . It sort of backfired.

 

But, upsetting as it is - i figured that (cliche!) they really do not know what they have lost. I would do anything for my ex - if letting her go is what SHE wants, then so be it. If that is one thing i can do for her, then i will.

 

Look, we both know deep down we deserve to be treated well. Do we want to be with peple who arent prepared to fight for us - i know i dont. The hardest part for me is that i would fight for her. THe even hardest part is letting go.

 

I may not make much sense right now, i am not in an entirely fit state.

 

But, if you want to talk more, PM me. Take care. Its ahrd to believe but you can get through this. I should know, i have got over things before. But here i am again !

 

colly

[woobiegirl]

Hey girl

 

 

only time will tell, and in the meantime you will have to find a way to heal. He may come back later, you may never get him back (you need to accept that) or he may want to come back later and you may not want him back. Either way, you need to heal and move on. It will drive you crazy otherwise. By telling you he was seeing someone else in such a short period of time, makes me believe you hurt him by moving out. And this was his cruel way of hurting you back. Do not call him you will sound real desperate. Let nature run it's course. The moving out part backfired on you, and now you have to deal with it. I'm sorry you are going through the pain. Try and get a new focus, and take care of you right now. People grieve in different ways. And in time you will be over him. He may have wanted you to stay, but sometimes false pride gets in the way. We all do stupid things when it comes to relationships, I know I sure have. And sometimes we search for the right words to make things right, and sometimes they just won't come. And sometimes we never get the second chance we all deserve to make things right.

 

Be Strong !!!!!!!

 

Woobiegirl

[colly]

He may have wanted you to stay, but sometimes false pride gets in the way. We all do stupid things when it comes to relationships

 

Yes we do indeed - i am not sure if to tell this part of my story, as i do not want to give any unfounded hope as such.

 

However, i got back with my ex after a whole year once. This is something i never thought would happen - i did not see it coming either.

 

Ok, our resons for getting together may be wron, maybe i was lonely as such, but it does show you never know what is aroundthe corner.

 

AND, after long talks, she said that had i come back a few weeks later she would have patched things up and we probably would not have been apart for the year. I do not have genuine reason to disbelieve what she said, although i do not take any thing as the whole honest truth these days

but my point is if she had not been so proud and stubborn, we may have got through it

 

please do not read too much into my post - as with most situations there are a number of reasons why things turn out as they do and it not likely my situation matches your exactly. But i just thought you may be intereted in an example of what was said

 

 

take care!

[Jodie23]

Oh I made such a prat of myself I went round to Pauls house last night and was begging for him back. I was a mess, I was literally begging. He was telling me to go away and what makes things worse is that his new girlfriend was in our bed!!! It does not make things better as she is really pretty too. I am in floods of tears at the moment and I just dont know what to do. I know I have properly no hope of ever getting him back. I so want to forget him but I cant. I really love him even though he is sleeping with somebody else already. In our house. I was begging him for about 1/2 an hour but all he kept saying was go away. How can he hate me so much. We were fine a little while ago I just do not know why he has changed and how he could hurt me by moving on so quickly. I was thinking of writing him a letter to say sorry. Should I do this is shall I just leave it now and let him get on with his life! I love him so much I feel like a freak. PLEASE HELP ME!!!

[tough_girl]

I'm so sorry to hear that. There's practically nothing you can do now except to get on with your life. He made it clear he didn't want you anymore, even if he is to come back in future, don't take him in again.

 

Don't feel like a freak now. All you did was your best. At least you have tried and failed rather than regret your whole life for not trying. Please don't feel as if you have made a mistake, because you haven't.

 

What you did was quite right. At least now you can firmly get on with your life, rather than having false hopes of him coming back. Do some things you like in the mean time. Hang out with your friends, watch tvs and etc. I hope you get better.

 

If there's anything you want to talk about, feel free to pm me or add me in the yahoo messenger. Best of luck.

[Jodie23]

Well thank you 4 all your advice. I am going to completely ignore Paul now. He has just phoned me telling me to leave him and his girlfriend alone (how nasty can he be to me). He thinks im sad because im have spent the past week harassing him and finding out who his girlfriend is! Yeah I do feel sad but im sure if the boot was on the other foot he would be the same. I said to him he has to understand that I am hurting and its ok 4 him as he has someone else to take his mind of me! He then said its not his fault I could not pull anyone else.........how heartless is he? It seems that I have just spent 5 years with someone and I dont even really know him. All I want now is to get over him and then him want me back and for me to say no. I want him to hurt the way I am. He properly wont ever want me back. Thats how unlucky I am. Any tips on how to get through this hurt and pain?

[Jodie23]

Since last time I wrote how my feelings have changed!!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED TO GET HIM OUT OF MY HEAD!!!! Please help, how can I do this?

[rivergirl]

Time will help you. That is all. Just make sure you stay busy. Do you have any hobbies?? I for example ride horses. So when I got my heart stomped on I started riding a lot more. Becoming better. It gave me something to take pride in as well as something to spend time doing. Very important! Go out with your friends. Even if you can barely drag yourself out of bed to put on clothes GO OUT!! It will help you so much. Laughter is the best medicine! I know evenings out with my friends have helped immensely. I know this all sounds like a load of crap right now and very cliche but trust me it's cliche because it works! Good luck and don't talk to that creep!!!

[tough_girl]

Well I have a few more suggestions.

 

1) Do you have a punch bag? Or you could use it in the gym. I know this seems heartless but when you punch the bag, it'll feel like you're punching ahem... You know who..

 

2) Chocolates!!!!! They help to reduce depression and calm down your feelings..Just make sure you don't eat too much till you get fat.

 

3)All the things you like..

 

Well, that's all I can think of now. When I get somemore I'll let you know.

[Jodie23]

Thank you all so much. I do not mean to go on but it just seems to make me feel bettre talking to people, especially ppl I do not know. You have all been so lovely. Its just a shame my life is not lovely at the moment.

 

Its Day 1 of my no contact rule. I really want to talk to him but I have to remember he has a new girlfriend, I know its not her fault but I hate her. Who knows maybe oneday I will be ok with her and forgive Paul 4 what he is doing to me.

 

If I get the urge to phone him I will just have to mail you lot instead. I WILL survive this, there is ppl out there much worse than me, it just dont seem like it at the moment.

 

I just feel at 23 I have lost everything. This time last month I could so clearly see into the future and now I can not seem to see past the next 10 minutes.

 

Thank you again.

[Sli]

Hey Jodie23

 

I just read your posts, and really felt for you specially when you said about the dogs an stuff . You have just experienced the very worst the male species has to offer, he's been cruel and he'll regret it. Anyway his loss not yours, don't let this bring you down. Keep strong, this is a test for you that pretty much all of us have to go through at some point or other in some way and yes you will survive. There's a proper genuine guy (actually billions of them) out there waiting. Not interested right now I know. Then again how many times have you got drunk, ended up feeling like death the next day vowing never again...and did it again! no matter how bad that hangover hurts we all get over it, just takes time.

 

You do not need to concern yourself with thoughts of revenge for him or her, you do not need to waste your time trying to get him back just to hurt him, he has already shown he is not worthy of your precious love. You do not need to concern yourself with how pretty his new sh*g is, a pretty face means nothing in the long run. I wonder how long they'll last; maybe she'll discard him like he has you, who knows? – Not your problem.

 

Ever heard of Karma? What goes around comes around and it really does believe me I know and he will too someday. That's the only thing that makes us wake up and realise that we can't treat people the way he has treated you. I hurt one of the most caring genuine people to come into my life, I spent half my life with this girl, she gave me everything and what did I do, acted like a kid in a sweetshop playin around, she left me and I barely noticed at the time I just carried on playin until one day someone else got hurt.. me! Only then did I realise just what an a**ehole I'd been. His wake up call is coming someday sweetheart. Let the universe take care of him and concentrate on the most important person in your life right now…you.

 

[Jodie23]

That is one of the lovely messages I have had. You nearly made me cry. Thank you for taking time out to read my messages and give me advice.

 

I am trying very hard to block him out of my head but it still comes back. I do want him but I could never take him back now, not after all this. Thank you so much SLI you sound like a wonderful personxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Jodie23]

Well it is Day 2 of my NO CONTACT.... it is killing me. Why the hell am I missing him after what is has, well is putting me through!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I feel so sick, I keep thinking about the two of them together. I do not want to but I can not help it. I just want to be back to how we were, living together with our dogs. I know that will NEVER happen.......even if he did (which I know he wont) want me back, I could not go back after he has had a tart (sorry) in the house that we once shared.

 

I bet she cuddles my dogs as well! I know I should not think like that but I really really wish I could rid myself of these thoughts.

 

Thanks to you all 4 being here 4 me, your the only thing that keeps me going at the momentxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Sli]

It seems really unfair that you have been left with nothing whilst his situation remains unchanged. Although the law does not protect unmarried women to the extent it does married women there are instances where you may have a claim, I did a quick search on Google re co-habitants or common-law wife..

 

"The unmarried woman may be able to make a claim on the basis of financial contribution, either if a property is owned in joint names or if the property is in the partner's name through an equitable interest claim in respect of monies contributed to the property.

Strangely an unmarried woman has a better claim in the event of the death of the partner rather than splitting up, by claiming against the estate if financial provision is not made for her in the partner's will."

 

Anyway other than that, Keep busy, busy, busy! Make plans lots of them. You're a free person, free to go where you want, when you want and with whoever you want, no more having to think about someone else, no commitments. Ever travelled? Australia is fab loadsa people travel on their own, by a ticket, hop on an Oz Experience bus and I guarantee you will not look back. If that's not possible right now, other interests? A quick net search and you're sorted. Fill up everyday, life's too short to sit around counting the days.

 

Try to think positive, even about the break up - at least it was over relatively quickly and conclusively and you know where you stand (you seem to have accepted that you could never take him back), like ripping a plaster off, short sharp shock with hopefully less pain in the long run. Take a look at some of the other posts on this site filled with people who are being messed about by Ex's who can't make up their minds, Ex's who seem to have fun playing with people's emotions and those people who are clinging on to any scraps of hope…"day 3248 of no contact, think I saw his friend's girlfriend's sister today, maybe it's a sign, maybe he still loves me!" And look at you! "I just feel at 23 I have lost everything" remember you said that so that you can laugh about it later. I know, it's still tough and you may think it's easy for me to say, you'd be surprised, we all end up here for a reason and I'm telling myself this stuff as much as I'm telling you. There's a whole world out there, we need to go get it girl.

 

[Jodie23]

Yeah I know.........I just can not wait for the day when I think YUK look at the state of him why the hell did I EVER cry over him.................I know it is a long way off but one day, hopefully I will have them thoughts. I suppose I am just in shock more than anything!!!

 

I just did not think he was capable of hurting me............OHHHHHHH how wrong can someone be.

 

I dont want to spend my days being depressed and feeling sorry 4 myself! I try to remain busy, as I am at Uni so I am focusing on that.......then maybe after that I could travel.............who knows.

 

But for the time being I will just have to try and mend my broken little heart

[dikaia880]

All I can say is be strong! I love Sli's example of a hangover...I think thats a much better way of looking at moving on...

 

I also have to say that you English certainly have a way with words...I just love the way you talk!

 

Good Luck!

[Jodie23]

I will be strong!!! At least I am going to give it my best shot. I have my whole life ahead of me and I should not waste my time on someone who does not want me.

 

I know it is easy to say that. For 5 years I have been a part of two people I suppose I am just scared how I will cope. Give it a few weeks and who knows I might like it!!!!

 

I hope I can find the strengh to forgive him too. I really want to speak to him and tell him I want to remain friends coz he was my best friend too. What do u guys think???? Or shall I leave it until I see him next and just say hello?

 

Love Jodie

[Jodie23]

Oh my god.............................Pauls girlfriend............I can not believe it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She looks exactly like me?! She has the same hair as me, same figure, and looks similar to me!!!! She is even my age!!!!

 

What the hell is going on. Why did he ruin everything between us just to go out with someone who is like me?!!

 

I feel so upset and crappy now................I can not get over it.....what is he thinking off

[Sli]

Come on Jodie... It doesn't matter if she's got 2 heads and purple hair... the fact is from what you've said he's treated you real bad and you deserve better, You sound like a really great girl with everything going for you. Maybe you'll find out why he did what he did, but for now He's made his bed, the only thing you really should do is let him lie in it. You were sounding a lot more positive the other day, thinking ahead a bit.

 

Apologies for getting all metaphorical again but you've got to get yourself to the end of this dark tunnel you're in. Every time you take the focus of yourself and your own healing (e.g. all the negative whys and what if's) you stop walking or take a step or 2 backwards, you don't wanna do that cuz there's only crap behind you sweetheart, that side of the tunnel is a cold and dark place you really don't wanna be. Keep moving forward cuz all the happy, warm, exiting, fun and generally good stuff is straight up ahead.

[Jodie23]

Yeah I guess so..................Its so hard letting go...I want to but it is so hard.

 

I just miss the dogs so much, they were my life. I know it sounds sad but I looked after them from when they were born to the age of 3. If I could have them I think I would be ok! But my Mum has dogs and so I can not have them. I qualify as a nurse in a year and a half so if I still think about them prehaps I could have them in my own house.

 

He is always out never there, they are always on their own. He does love them I know but God I miss them tons.............much more than himxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Out to sea]

Hiya, I went thru a situation that's so similiar to ur's last year. Was living with a girl for 3 years happy out, thought she was the one and only, then literally out of the blue a week before xmas last year she said she needed time by herself, I moved home to my parents house. Had such an awful xmas without her thought I'd die, went drinking alot to numb the pain, the whole nine yards. After xmas we tried to sort it out, but it was heart breaking for me, she started acting so strange and cold, flirting with other men out in clubs, was always busy, always starting fights with me just to storm out. Then one day she was ill, off work, I brought flowers to her and she decided so calmly and coldly to discuss her feeling for this young lad at work who she was mad about. I sat on the bed, didn't get mad but sobbed my eyes out. She didn't seem to give a S... what i felt about it.

One day she said she wanted to forget about this guy and give it another go, I was so happy, for 3 days!!!!!!! I took her away for a few days, spent thousands on her. Then found out that she was still talking to him a few times a day even though she had said she erased his no. I stuck with her but a few days later one of my mates calls me from a club explaining that my g/f was literally having sex with a guy in there. I was gutted yet again. She called me that nite at 4am crying and for me to call over. Of coarse i did, that morning when she sobered up i confronted her about the guy in the club, to my shock shge accused me of spying on her which i wasn't and being a psycho,which i aimn't.

Then she said it was totally over and to leave her alone. I didn't of coarse, chased after her, pleaded with her, begged her to reconsider. All she did was do more hurtful things. I was willing to forgive all the cheating, lies and hurt all because i loved her.

That was Febuary last year, I was such a wreck, the nightmare's every nite about her and all that, but one thing i didn't do was contact her again!!!!!!! In April i met another girl, and the first nite I was out with her my X came over to me claiming undying love for me after 6 months without a word from her, wanting to get married all the whole nine yards. I was so shocked I nearly fell down. I did think about it but what surprised me was I was without emotion for her anymore without even realising it. I didn't get back into that sinking boat with her again and I'm so relieved.

She has spent the last god knows how many months sobbing every nite she's out regretting what she did. Why did this girl who was so nice hurt me so much? The green grass on the other side!!!!! She tried to give me all crap reasons why she did it but that's what it amounted too. I have forgiven her for what she did but my love for her is gone and in it's place is apathy.

I'm over that chapter now and i have so much more to learn about relationships as i know i can be such an ass. I think sometimes love can make you blind, whether you leave or are left, the only way to get your sight back and see a relationship for what it is/was is with time as the medicine.

Jodie23 you hang in there girl, grit your teeth and keep on going, cause it's like getting fit, the first while leaves you sore and exhausted but in no time at all it'll pay you back in spades and spades by making you the healthier person for it. I guarentee it.

Pm me and let me know how you're doing won't ya. Bye.