Boyfriend of 6 years told me he was gay... I'm devastated

[azalie]

I have nobody else to talk to about this, I'm not sure where else to turn, so I'm hoping someone here can help me..

 

I've been in a very serious relationship with my boyfriend for 6 years now. We're absolutely in love, were high school sweethearts, many have told us that we're the ideal example of a couple in love. He talks about our future all the time, says he can't wait until we get married and start our lives together (we've been going to different colleges so we only see each other a few times a month).

 

Well, about 3 months ago, he confessed to being bi. It was shocking and it took me a few days to get my head around it, but once I thought about it... I realized that he was still the same person that I loved. Sure, I would've liked it if he told me a little earlier than 6 years into a relationship, but he's a very shy person and has never told anyone before me, so it was hard for him. But I figured, even if he was bi, he was still attracted to me, so it's not a problem.

 

But... there was still something not quite right. Last night he admitted that he was not bi, but gay. And has been gay since he was in middle school. I'm just... shocked. Our sex life isn't bad at all.. he seems to be fine with going months without it, but he certainly enjoys it when it happens. But how can he enjoy sex with a woman? I'm devastated and feeling completely inadequate right now. But.. I know that I love him, dearly. It would be more devastating to leave him. At the same time, I don't want to be cheated on down the line, and I don't want to stay in a relationship that would be bad for both of us.

 

He insists that he would never actually want to get with a guy, he just likes watching gay porn, and he would never actually act on his fantasies with men. He also insists that he would never cheat on me with anyone else, he says I'm all that he'll ever want.. but how can that be? When he's only attracted to men, while I'm clearly not a man, how can I really make him happy? And how is that supposed to make me feel, knowing that I'll never really be what he wants? I'm confused and an absolute mess. He's been trying to talk to me today like nothing ever happened, but I can't help but show how angry and hurt I feel. And I know that's making him feel hurt, but I just don't know what to do. Can someone who prefers men be happy with a woman? Does love really prevail, or am I doomed to heartbreak if I stay in this relationship?

 

I'm sorry if this post is confusing and all over the place, my mind is gone tonight.

[chocolates]

oh Ive been there.

 

I fell in love with a man who told me he was gay. Its a really out of body experience to be told this news.

 

You need to take a step back and have a few days on your own.

[chocolates]

At the moment even by saying he is gay he is discounting any attraction to you.

 

He is in severe denial ,and eventually he WILL act on thses fantasies. That is for certain.

 

You need to leave him and save yourself years of suspicion and heartache.

[PsychGirly]

First of all, he's confused himself. He's not gay, he's bi. You can't have sex with a woman & enjoy it & be 100% gay. He enjoys women (obviously), & he's also attracted to men.

 

I'm honestly not sure what to advise you except to be careful. Love can be blind, but you need to really think about this before you get yourself deeper into it. If he confessed to you that he's "gay", chances are, your relationship is either not gonna last long, or he's gonna keep you around because he loves you, but also have guys on the side.

 

If I were you, I'd be more worried about the past & present than the future. Have you been tested? If my SO told me he's gay, I would panic. Not to poison your mind, but you need to do a little more than watch gay porn to know that you're gay. You've been together for 6 years...do you think he may have experimented with men while he was with you?

 

You need to have a serious talk with him. If I were in your shoes, I'd probably leave him & stay friends, just for the sake of my sanity & out of respect for him. I wouldn't want him to feel obligated to be with me just because it's been 6 years & he doesn't wanna break any hearts.

[Nkaleidoscopic]

The truth is, the words bisexual and homosexual arent entirely fair. I think sexuality is more of a spectrum. There's lots of seemingly straight girls that have no problem making out with girls. There are other girls that can't even fathom it. It's just different spectrums. People can call themselves whatever they want, but I think it's very rare that someone is 100% straight, 100% gay or right-in-the-middle-bisexual. I've known from a very young age that I like women. My first sexual expiriences were with women. I still enjoy lesbian porn very much. But I am with a man and am 100% satisfied, he can turn me on very fast. It has always been hard to wrap my head around the whole bisexual concept, I've been so confused at times I've thought of leaving my SO because of it. I think I am somewhere in between bisexual and straight. I've always considered myself straight, but when I told my current SO about my feelings towards lesbian porn, my first experiences, etc, he said I was definitely somewhere near the bisexual end of the spectrum.

 

I don't consider myself bisexual at all though, I've only had serious relationships with guys. But my mind is still attracted to women, so I am a bit bisexual even though I am technically straight.

 

So, bottom line, sexuality is not as strict as you might think. And for those of us stuck outside the traditional GLBT guidelines, we are often very confused and lost. That's probably what's happening to him. You should have a long talk about how he feels sexually about various things before breaking it off. Don't just break up because of the shock.

 

Make him get naked, get naked, start foreplaying (without touching his genitals) and while he can see your face. If he gets an erection, he is bisexual.

 

If you cant get him to get hard, then I would reconsider the sexual/romantic relationship.

[1WayTicket2Norway]

azalie, if i were you i would get out of the relationship as soon as possible before you get hurt any further. The thing is, he's not gonna stop fantasising about men, and that means that you won't be able to have a trustworthy and faithfull relationship with him, because cheating on someone in your mind is just as bad as doing it in reality.

 

So the best advice i can give you is to put it behind you and move on, because he has allready established his sexual identity as being exclusively homosexual, and usually once that has been established there is no going back. Please remember to be sensitive towards his needs though because this is undoubtedly a very difficult situation for him aswell.

 

You need to accept him for the person he is and hopefully you can end the relationship amicably and stay friends. Do not turn your back on him, but the continuation of a romantic relationship would not be the best thing.

 

I hope that this heps, good luck.

[Nkaleidoscopic]

I disagree, I had an ex-boyfriend that told me he was gay, and then a year later re-discovered that he still liked women. He could just be temporarily confused. There is always "going back". People constantly reconsider their sexual leanings.

[azalie]

PsychGirly:

 

You're right, he has to be bi, since he does enjoy sex with me. As for worrying about whether or not he experimented with guys.. he's extremely insecure about his body, so I know he couldn't easily go out and sleep with someone (it took him 2 years to show me his chest, he's just that insecure about himself). I doubt he's experimented just because of his insecurity. He said that he knows he's gay through porn, since het porn doesn't do a thing for him he has to watch gay porn to get any sort of excitement. But if he didn't enjoy women, then he wouldn't have any enjoyment having sex with me, would he? He's confused, you're absolutely right. A long talk is definitely in order. Thanks for the advice!

[sedated]

I love comments like this. Let's just turn off our emotions and pretend we're perfectly rational beings!

 

These problems arise because emotions are an integral part of the human psyche. You can't just switch them on and off at will

[azalie]

Nkaleidoscopic:

 

I really want to thank you for being so honest in your post. I was hoping there might be some glimmer of hope for the relationship, and you gave it to me. Thank you My main concern, after we talk about all of this more thorougly and if we do decide to stay together, is whether or not he could be happy with me when he has fantasies about men. Your post shows me that there's a definite possibility.

 

He definitely gets erections during foreplay, even if I don't touch his genitals, that isn't a problem at all.. so he has to be bisexual.. you're right. Thank you so much for your reply, it's made me feel hope for the first time in 24 hours

[azalie]

jon.nic:

 

I see where you're coming from.. I could have worded things better in my post, I'm sort of an emotional wreck right now so things aren't coming out clearly. He did tell me that he was more attracted to men than women, and that he was gay in that regard, but he DID also say that he was attracted to me still. So he hasn't officially established himself as exclusively homosexual.. it wasn't a way to tell me that he wants to go experiment with men, or at least it didn't seem like it. He told me that he was just sick of lying to me about something and he had to get it off his chest. If he just told me he wanted to be exclusively gay and had absolutely no feelings towards me, then you would be right, there would be no point in staying in the relationship any longer. My confusion is that he says he's more attracted to guys, and yet he still wants to be with me and says he would never act on those fantasies.. that's what I'm having the most trouble understanding right now.

[Yackstovic]

In my opinion that's just the characteristics of a Bi.

[azalie]

Yackstovic:

 

Do you think so? Even if he says he's only attracted to men, and me, but not other women? Is that still considered bi? That would certainly make things easier to understand..

[1WayTicket2Norway]

Yackstovic:

 

Do you think so? Even if he says he's only attracted to men, and me, but not other women? Is that still considered bi? That would certainly make things easier to understand..

 

Try to get him to take the kinsey scale test, it might make things clearer for you both. If you are wondreing what the kinsey scale is, it is a scale from 0 to 6 (there might be some variations) 0 being exclusively heterosexual and 6 being exclusively homosexual. I'm guessing that he is probably a 4 or a 5. Anyway, it might help things along.

[heaven66]

At the moment even by saying he is gay he is discounting any attraction to you.

 

He is in severe denial ,and eventually he WILL act on thses fantasies. That is for certain.

 

You need to leave him and save yourself years of suspicion and heartache.

 

chocolate is right..This happened to me, and i was already dating him...he is confused big time.....Let me give you an advice and for your sake I hope you take it..I know you love him, but later if you go on with the relationship you will hate him and recent him..you cannot compete with other males...cry scream now and get it over with and end the relationship because if you don't you will suffer for a very long time later.....take a few days off alone..and think of how it would be after you get married....you are young and you will get over it..we all do. Good luck..I know it's hard but you must do it. Wish you luck

[Yackstovic]

Yackstovic:

 

Do you think so? Even if he says he's only attracted to men, and me, but not other women? Is that still considered bi? That would certainly make things easier to understand..

 

Haha, I'm not speaking as a professional guy. I'm just a kid doing my job for society.

 

I personally think that you'd be quite surprised when you unlocked the thoughts in his brain. We all must understand that we are not attracted to gender, we are attracted to characteristics (this has been said before) - Some people may find male characteristics a little more 'attractable' - Some people may find a deeper voice more attractable - Some people may find shorter girls more attractive. It's all common sense. To me there is no such thing as homosexual, bisexual, heterosexual - I personally look for characteristics over gender. This might be your husbands case to - And your husband might have found you attractive and yet he has realized the other elements of a human being he is attracted to.

 

Anyways - That's my opinion.

 

 

I think you just need to 'lax a bit and talk to him sort sh*t out.

 

My 2 cents.

[gardengnome]

I love comments like this. Let's just turn off our emotions and pretend we're perfectly rational beings!

 

These problems arise because emotions are an integral part of the human psyche. You can't just switch them on and off at will

 

 

I disagree. Yes you can. If you make yourself busy enough you don't really have time for emotions.

[chiefoptimizer]

I disagree. Yes you can. If you make yourself busy enough you don't really have time for emotions.

 

it works for short lengths of time. it always comes back to haunt you. it will get you. I was like that for the last 10 years, until Oct 29, when I managed to break out of the cycle. Now I'm able to live with emotions and actually enjoy them! Repressing emotions is not healthy.

[Nkaleidoscopic]

Nkaleidoscopic:

 

I really want to thank you for being so honest in your post. I was hoping there might be some glimmer of hope for the relationship, and you gave it to me. Thank you My main concern, after we talk about all of this more thorougly and if we do decide to stay together, is whether or not he could be happy with me when he has fantasies about men. Your post shows me that there's a definite possibility.

 

He definitely gets erections during foreplay, even if I don't touch his genitals, that isn't a problem at all.. so he has to be bisexual.. you're right. Thank you so much for your reply, it's made me feel hope for the first time in 24 hours

 

Yes he's definitely not gay. Gay men can't get any sort of erection from women. That's why being 100% gay like that is rare.

[gardengnome]

it works for short lengths of time. it always comes back to haunt you. it will get you. I was like that for the last 10 years, until Oct 29, when I managed to break out of the cycle. Now I'm able to live with emotions and actually enjoy them! Repressing emotions is not healthy.

 

Well, apparentley you messed up when you broke out of your cycle. Why not go with the cycle until you die? 10 years x 7. You already went 1/7 of the way!

[chiefoptimizer]

Well, apparentley you messed up when you broke out of your cycle. Why not go with the cycle until you die? 10 years x 7. You already went 1/7 of the way!

 

heh, I actually enjoy each day of my life now, I wake up, do uni work, cook, go out, and even go to work, because i enjoy doing each thing, and if I were able to believe in supernatural gods, I'd feel blessed. I spend my waking hours either having fun or thinking about the next time i'm gonna have fun that day, as opposed to trying to forget things or ignore feelings, etc Its like living the dream I never dared dream about, because I thought it was impossible

[Imaginary]

Well, azalie, have you thought that while he was having sex with you, his mind was somewhere else? Could he fantasize about guys when he's having sex with you? That's how a friend of mine did it, and he managed to keep a girlfriend for 4 years. How would you feel if everytime the lights go out and you're having sex he's thinking about some dude?

[kadvati79]

First of all, he's confused himself. He's not gay, he's bi. You can't have sex with a woman & enjoy it & be 100% gay. He enjoys women (obviously), & he's also attracted to men.

Well, I completely disagree with that. There are many people who sleep with guys who would not call themselves gay. There are many people who have never slept with a guy and call themselves gay. Honey, being gay isn't about who you are sleeping with... its about who you fall in love with. We can only fall truly in love with those we are attracted too.

 

A straight man can have sex with a guy, and enjoy it. In fact, you will find that a large number of gay porn stars are actually completely straight. The reason they do gay porn is because there is better money in it.

 

I disagree, I had an ex-boyfriend that told me he was gay, and then a year later re-discovered that he still liked women. He could just be temporarily confused. There is always "going back". People constantly reconsider their sexual leanings.

As it was with me. I'm actually Bi, but I tell people I am gay because it is easier for them to digest. I came out gay, then realized I still could get strong feelings for women - about equal with men. I have, however, yet to fall in love with a woman, and only a small handful of men at that.

 

The issue here is NOT is he bi or gay... the issues are...

1. Is he attracted to you in a sufficient quantity and capacity to meet your needs?
   
2. Are you prepared to accept that he will watch gay porn?
   
3. Are you comfortable with the (small?) risk that he may want to act of these in the future?
   

 

Yes he's definitely not gay. Gay men can't get any sort of erection from women. That's why being 100% gay like that is rare.

Has someone been drinking the kool-aid? What the toad does "100% gay like that" mean? That's complete rubbish!

 

Sexuality, as it has been stated, is a complex issue that is seldom black and white. The fact is, "gay" and "homosexual" are just words, and those words mean "having a sexual orientation to persons of the same sex". Orientation does not mean "absolutely", it means "oriented in a direction". In other words, gay means "oriented towards people of the same sex". It does not mean you are SOLELY attracted to persons of the same sex.

 

And erections respond to stimulation. In fact, many people who are abused either as children or adults experience erections - much to their shock. This is because we can have erections directly according to stimulation. The mind does not always factor in to arousal.

 

It does not matter if he is gay, bi, or straight - it only matters if his actions and desires make both you and him happy

 

You seem to be latching on to "hope" that he is bi. Indeed, it is this very hope that seems to be kindled when people find out I am bi, that is the reason I tell people I am gay! People are very confused by bonafide bisexuals, and many people make the mistake of thinking anyone who is bisexual is confused.

 

I've posted this many times before, but I define sexuality as three parts:

 

• Sexual Preference: Who am I attracted too? Note the word is PREFERENCE, not sexual ATTRACTION
  
• Sexual Identity: What sexuality do I identify with, for whatever reasons?
  
• Sexual Activity: Which sex(es) am I have sexual relations with?
  

 

Someone could prefer men, identify as straight, and only have sex with women. Does this make him gay? Someone could prefer women, identify as straight, and have sex with men (i.e. Men in Prison). Does this make them gay? Defining someones sexuality into one word will not provide any answers, only questions.

 

Is he attracted to you (enough)?

Well, going "months" without having sex would indicate to me that something is woefully wrong. While I am sure that some couples function fine without sex for this long, I wouldn't think it was really a sign of a healthy sex life.

 

Facts:

• He has told you he is gay, he is attracted to men
  
• He has told you he is not attracted to any women, except yourself
  
• As a couple, you can go lengthy periods would sex (months)
  
• You feel (understandably) angry and hurt
  
• You feel like something is "not right"
  

 

Some other disturbing facts:

• He views men having sex with each other
  
• He thinks about these men having sex, in order to pleasure himself
  
• You are not part of this section of his life, it is not something you share
  

 

Whats the solution?

Honesty. You need to be honest to YOURSELF about what YOU need from the relationship. He needs to be honest with HIMSELF about what HE needs from a relationship. Then you need to compare notes, and do an inventory of what is actually being provided. Can you actually make both of you happy? Get it down on paper, and discuss it.

[confused147]

Coming from a guy who has dated & loved a woman but is now gay ... LOVE HIM!! This business from others that he is just "confused" about being gay and he is actually gay is BS. No one knows what he is feeling but him. The two of you need to sit down and have an actual face to face conversation about all of this. He's hurting right now and needs as many understanding friends as possible. Love him and support him, but love and support yourself as well.

[Nkaleidoscopic]

I think you misunderstood what I said by 100% gay. There are people that lean very towards the gay end of the spectrum and can't fathom for a moment having sex with someone of the opposite gender - I would consider this 100% and a rarity. Most people are somewhere "in between". There are not many 100% straight people either, imo.

 

Also, I said WITHOUT stimulation, if you read the previous posts of that conversaion. Just an erection from someone stripping or being sexual, I don't believe gay men can get an erection from a woman stripping.