Feeling really down right now.

[NewPhillyGuy]

This thread will probably come out as a bunch of jumbled thoughts...here goes...

 

Here's yet another lonely weekend. Friday night, did nothing. Today, just ran some errands. Tonight, got nothing to do either. I have just a few friends, and one of them is out of the country for a month. The other one spends most of his time with his g/f, so I rarely see him. The others are far away, so we really only talk on the phone or online, and it doesn't happen that often.

 

It's been like this for the past month - weekend after weekend - nothing. The loneliness is really starting to get to me. I've been away from the previous g/f for a little over a month. I've tried some online dating, but nothing ever seems to happen. I'm either ignored by the person I contact, or if there is some conversation going on, for some reason, the girl just winds up ignoring me after a while and that's that. I have no idea why this is happening. Trying to meet someone just seems like a hopeless cause right now.

 

I've also been thinking about what a trainwreck my serious relationships have been. I've been involved with some crappy people. I've made my share of mistakes too, but I don't think those caused the demise of the relationship. I do think alot about my flaws though, and I wonder if maybe I'm just not relationship material. I mean, I've had no success up to this point. I have alot of good qualities though. I'm attractive, smart, motivated, funny, sweet, romantic, close with my family, good values, no smoking or drugs, etc. The downside about me is that I'm sometimes too sensitive, too anxious, and I can get emotional at times and overreact. All around though, I think I am a good guy that girls would like to have as a boyfriend. However, experience has taught me otherwise. I'm asking myself doesn't anyone appreciate a good guy who is sensitive? Sure, I can be oversensitive at times, but we all have flaws, right? I mean, I'd rather be that than insensitive!

 

Another thing that's bothering me right now is a few members of this board told me in some of my threads that I'm not ready to date. I don't agree with what they are saying, and it really burns me up when people think they know me and will judge me like that. I think I know if I am ready or not. I've also been seeing a therapist to help with my feelings from the last breakup, and she's been telling me there's nothing really wrong with me, and I should keep putting myself out there and trying to meet people. She thinks me getting sensitive is just who I am, and maybe it's just my way of pushing away people who are not good for me. Honestly, I can't say I've broken up with anyone who was REALLY worth it. Why is it then some people who have never met me but think they "know" me from some online posts say stuff like that. It really irks me.

 

Another thing that has been bothering me is my ex girlfriend from two years ago. I am talking about a nightmarish girl who has bipolar disorder who made my life a living hell a few years ago. Recently, she got back in touch with me, and I later learned she recently had a baby and she's having alot of problems with her boyfriend. I found out she started dating him around a month after she broke my heart for the last time...as if breaking off our engagement out of the blue wasn't bad enough...I took her back and she did it again months later. We've been talking, and I've been supportive of her, and she's also been supporting me through my recent breakup. What really bothers me is sometimes I can tell she wants more than a friendship. Last night, she was texting me and saying she still has feelings for me. Every other day, she changes her mind about how she feels about her boyfriend, the father of her newborn. It does not bother me that she's with this guy. I've been over her for a while now. What bothers me is her saying she has feelings for me when she has a boyfriend, because I think about how I would feel if my girlfriend was talking to an ex behind my back like that. I would be crushed and horrified. I feel really terrible for the guy. I reminded her on a few occasions this would never go farther than a friendship. When she told me she has feelings for me yesterday, she told me a few minutes before in that conversation that her boyfriend was driving up to see her. This guy lives about 2 hrs away, and the thought of him on the road and her sitting at home texting me that she has feelings for me makes me feel HORRIBLE. Sometimes, I feel like I just need to stop talking to her altogether. It's just a reminder that there are some twisted people out there, who will just toy with you and they don't give a damn about others. That's basically how she treated me, and now I see she's doing it to someone else. Ugh. ](*,)

 

Edit: Man, it did feel really good to get all of this out!

[annie24]

what does your apartment look like? is it clean and nice, or is it a mess? i often feel better about my life when my place is neat and organized. maybe you can clean tonight?

[NewPhillyGuy]

what does your apartment look like? is it clean and nice, or is it a mess? i often feel better about my life when my place is neat and organized. maybe you can clean tonight?

 

It's looking pretty good. I cleaned a bit last weekend, and I organized some things today.

[Clarity]

Hang in there, bud. I'm in a similar situation - most of my weekend nights are spent alone - this is actually the first time in my life where I despise weekends and look forward to weekdays (when I work!!). Most of my close friends live out of town. It's tough, but what are we supposed to do? I really think the cliches, as much as I hate to hear them, are true - it'll happen when you're not looking. I've done online dating too, but unfortunately it seems, at least in my area, that it's not a great place for a guy who's only problem is meeting new people. Trying hard to not sound arrogant (I'd consider myself a humble guy), I feel like I'm a "catch" - attractive, fit, great career, nice guy (I sound so arrogant, lol), BUT I'm also a quiet-ish guy, I don't drink, and I don't have a large circle of friends and I'm in a male-dominated profession - it's almost impossible for me to meet new girls. Anyway, my point is that it seems online, finding intelligent, attractive women is difficult and, when you do find them, they usually have kids, lol.

 

Anyway, I guess I'm venting too, but what can you do - this is what life has in store for us and all there is to be done is roll with the punches. There are certainly much, much worse fates than the be lonely on a weekend night.

 

P.S. your "friendship" with your ex sounds poisonous. I don't think you're getting nearly as much benefit out of it as it's doing harm. I would cut off almost all contact, as long as she says she has "feelings" for you.

[annie24]

i dunno - why don't you call up some people and ask them what they are up to tonight? maybe they'll be in the mood for dinner or a movie?

 

i understand about what you mean about bad dating luck. am going through that too. what definitely confuses me is that i let me contact ME, so it's really odd when they write saying that i'm interesting, they want to meet me, etc.... and then they *poof*. i can see how it can be hard if you are a guy, and you write to a girl and that girl may not find you her 'type', but presumably, these guys are writing to me because i am their 'type' and then they suddenly disappear? hmmm.... whatever.

[hers]

Well I know I'm one of the ones who's said you shouldn't be dating, & I never meant it to be "you shouldn't date for x # of months" or anything like that. Just from your posts--where you obsess over things that have happened in the past (obvious by the way you repeat what happened various times)--it seems like you don't know how to be alone. You can't learn to really care for others & be a joy around others if you can't enjoy being by yourself.

 

I jump from relationship to relationship for the sheer fact that I don't want to be alone--its like I'm scared of dying alone. But I've made myself stay alone for a few months & you know what I realized? I don't doubt myself as much or get caught up in loneliness.

 

That's the only reason I've ever said you don't need to be dating right now. I'm sorry if I've irked you.

[Clarity]

i understand about what you mean about bad dating luck. am going through that too. what definitely confuses me is that i let me contact ME, so it's really odd when they write saying that i'm interesting, they want to meet me, etc.... and then they *poof*. i can see how it can be hard if you are a guy, and you write to a girl and that girl may not find you her 'type', but presumably, these guys are writing to me because i am their 'type' and then they suddenly disappear? hmmm.... whatever.

 

Not to hijack the thread, but this kind of rejection happens both ways online and, most of the time, I don't think it's maliciously intended or anything. I'll often message a girl who's profile interests me and have a conversation, but that doesn't mean that I know she's my type yet. From the conversation, my impression of her with either improve or get worse and, if it gets worse, then that's that. If we've been talking for a while (over a week), I'll send a note explaining that I'm not interested, but this rarely happens because I've learned to keep things short. So usually, if we've been messaging for a short while, I just cut off the contact if I lose interest. Happens to me all the time and I never have hard feelings about it - if they lost interest in me, why would I want to be with them?

[NewPhillyGuy]

i dunno - why don't you call up some people and ask them what they are up to tonight? maybe they'll be in the mood for dinner or a movie?

 

i understand about what you mean about bad dating luck. am going through that too. what definitely confuses me is that i let me contact ME, so it's really odd when they write saying that i'm interesting, they want to meet me, etc.... and then they *poof*. i can see how it can be hard if you are a guy, and you write to a girl and that girl may not find you her 'type', but presumably, these guys are writing to me because i am their 'type' and then they suddenly disappear? hmmm.... whatever.

 

The only other person I can think of has been a bit of a flake lately. Most times I try to do something with him, he's always busy. We were supposed to grab dinner one day after work this past week, but on the day we had planned to go, he canceled. I don't feel like asking him because of that.

 

That's what has been happening to me, Annie. We exchange some emails and from that, it seems like we have alot in common. Then suddenly, as you say, poof, and I'm just wondering what the heck happened.

 

C - I feel a little bit better knowing I'm not the only one in this position. I've been thinking the same about my ex. I actually tried to end our friendship a few weeks ago, and she told me she was really hurt by that and didn't get why we couldn't be on friendly terms, so I backed down and said fine we can keep talking. Now though, she has definitely changed the rules a bit. Next time we talk, I'm going to say something to her about this. Knowing her though, it will turn into an argument. She was never the type of person to be understanding of me, and I don't expect that she has changed. She obviously does not care about her current b/f either. Man, I wonder if she was doing the same with another guy when I was with her.

[NewPhillyGuy]

Yeah, you really did annoy me when you said that, but it's ok. No hard feelings. You were really supportive of me at that time, and I can't thank you enough for that, M. You are right that things really get to me, but I'm not quite sure it means that I shouldn't be dating. Maybe it means that I just shouldn't be dating certain people, especially the toxic waste I was dating most recently. I still have hopes that if I meet the right girl, everything will fall into place and I won't be worrying as much. But yeah, at times I do scare myself when I think maybe this is just me and I will just screw up every relationship I ever get into.

[hers]

You have no idea how to identify toxic people from the beginning, especially online. You can harbour a guess but otherwise its a blind game. I should know--im pretty toxic to boyfriends but I put on a good front when I meet them & am talking to them online. I wouldn't say its like a con artist but I know what I do (now--i didn't before).

 

You need to learn to value your alone time--take it as an opportunity to learn something new about yourself. If you can't figure out something new to learn, then you're not paying enough attention. You don't need someone else to complete you or in order to have fun. That all will come when you love yourself more.

[NewPhillyGuy]

You have no idea how to identify toxic people from the beginning, especially online. You can harbour a guess but otherwise its a blind game. I should know--im pretty toxic to boyfriends but I put on a good front when I meet them & am talking to them online. I wouldn't say its like a con artist but I know what I do (now--i didn't before).

 

You need to learn to value your alone time--take it as an opportunity to learn something new about yourself. If you can't figure out something new to learn, then you're not paying enough attention. You don't need someone else to complete you or in order to have fun. That all will come when you love yourself more.

 

You are toxic to boyfriends? How so? I'm surprised that you admit that.

[Caldus]

I rarely ever do anything "fun" on the weekends and it's been years for me, so don't feel alone there for sure. I agree with annie -- clean up your place some more if you need to. It helps me a bit.

[franfran]

If I am ever feeling so alone to the point where TV doesn't make me feel better, I get up and leave. I pick a destination and just go there, by myself. Sometimes it's even the 24-hour grocery store. Sometimes if it's a weekend night and I have no one to hang out with I will literally go to a bar by myself and people watch. If there's no one around to hang out with, go out and find them!

[annie24]

i think that's a great idea franfran!

[Clarity]

If I am ever feeling so alone to the point where TV doesn't make me feel better, I get up and leave. I pick a destination and just go there, by myself. Sometimes it's even the 24-hour grocery store. Sometimes if it's a weekend night and I have no one to hang out with I will literally go to a bar by myself and people watch. If there's no one around to hang out with, go out and find them!

 

Good advice - I often go for walks, sometimes long walks - and it helps. The fresh air, time to reflect.

 

There are also other things to find to occupy your time with - like volunteering. I feel that if I don't have anyone to be with right now, it's a shame to let all my energy that I want to use to make someone happy go to waste - I'm becoming a "Big Brother" soon, something that I'm very excited about. Have you looked into volunteer opportunities, NPG?

[Caldus]

If I am ever feeling so alone to the point where TV doesn't make me feel better, I get up and leave. I pick a destination and just go there, by myself. Sometimes it's even the 24-hour grocery store. Sometimes if it's a weekend night and I have no one to hang out with I will literally go to a bar by myself and people watch. If there's no one around to hang out with, go out and find them!

 

Wow, I didn't think people went to bars by themselves like that. I would be terrified to go to a bar by myself. I would think that every woman there would think I am some kind of stalker or creep or something. I might be inclined to go to one if I knew I wasn't portrayed as that when I walk in there by myself. I am pretty shy in nature though, so it would be difficult for me to just strike up a conversation with someone there.

[veneratio]

Hey NPG. Sorry you're feeling so lonely right now. What helped me the most when I was feeling like that was the gym, especially when I wasn't quite over my ex, or when she still got to me. All of that bitterness and anger I was harboring, I just took it out on the weights. Came out of the gym feeling like a new guy. Didn't feel lonely at all..just felt "new". Revived. And movies helped tons when I had to be alone. I'd go and rent 2-3 movies and just get dialed in. Took my mind off of a lot.

 

And I understand how it can be frustrating when people make assumptions about you. While I was still talking to my ex her dad passed away. And I of course wanted to get her mind off of that, wanted her to have fun, so I invited her to come visit and have a good time. Get her away from home, away from the source of her suffering. She agreed, then later on in the week she says, "well my holier than thou, all knowing superb new friends say that you're only trying to get closer to me to get back with me" What the f? Seriously? They don't even know me. Pissed me off so bad, that's what I get for trying to be nice and care about her. So I know how it is. But people have your best interest in mind, just like I guess her friends had hers in mind.

 

I think hers raised some good points about your alone time, appreciating it and learning about yourself.

 

Keep your head up NPG.

[John Bendix]

You would not think with all of the thousands of posts, millions of words written in advice, that we would all miss the one concept that solves all of these problems.

 

Simply distract yourself. Keep yourself busy so that you do not have time to deal with what is really bothering you. How could any of these issues come back if you just keep yourself busy enough with mundane activities?

 

Keeping normal activities in your life is one thing but to think that your problems will be less once you clean the house is another. These actions are good in themselves if done for their sake alone and not with another motive in mind.

 

Accepting and seeing through your thoughts and emotions seems to be a better course of actions than trying to distract yourself in order to deny they are there, even for the moment of the activity.

[NewPhillyGuy]

Well, I think I'm going to read a book that I got years ago, but never finished. It's about emotional abuse in relationships. I think one of the reasons that made me want to pick it up again was that my ex called me an emotional abuser, because I broke up with her so much.

 

Considering that she talked so much about her ex, but was "of course" over him, said all sorts of weird things about how she treated people badly, I had nothing to worry about and was just being paranoid. But yeah, apparently, I'm an emotional abuser, so why not spend my night reading about it. ](*,)

[Clarity]

I would think the last thing you need to do is read about something relationship related - distract your mind! I'm cleaning my apartment and watching the ball-game and already feel quite a bit better than I did an hour or two ago.

[penelope13]

I'm sorry you are feeling lonely right now. But if you do not have anything specific to do on the weekends, here are a few suggestions:

- i don't know what type of job you have: but if you are not enjoying your weekends anyway, and if it is possible in your job: why not work on the weekends as well, make some extra money, get a lot done and take all of these extra days off, when you feel better

 

- it is the holiday season. a lot of people are in hospitals, or in elderly homes and have nobody to visit them. why don't you go and visit someone there and just spend some time with them. sing christmas carols/ hanukah songs (or whatever culture you have, sorry don't want to jump to conclusions), or read something to them. there will be many people who will appreciate it and it will make you feel better about yourself.

 

 

I've tried some online dating, but nothing ever seems to happen. I'm either ignored by the person I contact, or if there is some conversation going on, for some reason, the girl just winds up ignoring me after a while and that's that. I have no idea why this is happening. Trying to meet someone just seems like a hopeless cause right now.

 

There really is some truth in it: if you are not feeling good about yourself, it is difficult (but not impossible) to meet someone new.

 

I've also been thinking about what a trainwreck my serious relationships have been. I've been involved with some crappy people. I've made my share of mistakes too, but I don't think those caused the demise of the relationship. I do think alot about my flaws though, and I wonder if maybe I'm just not relationship material. I mean, I've had no success up to this point. I have alot of good qualities though. I'm attractive, smart, motivated, funny, sweet, romantic, close with my family, good values, no smoking or drugs, etc. The downside about me is that I'm sometimes too sensitive, too anxious, and I can get emotional at times and overreact.

 

 

I think this is a step forward: in the previous posts that I read from you, you were still questioning if you are indeed too sensitive. Stating it like a given is the first step to accepting it, admitting it, and them moving beyond it.

 

 

 

Another thing that's bothering me right now is a few members of this board told me in some of my threads that I'm not ready to date. I don't agree with what they are saying, and it really burns me up when people think they know me and will judge me like that.

 

Of course nobody really knows anybody else. But everyone who is posting here and answering posts is trying to help by giving their personal opinion and sharing their experiences. I can't imagine anybody having said that you can't date, but they might have suggested, that given your current state of mind it will be difficult (statistically speaking) to recognize if the right person is in front of you or not. - I am one of the posters who will write what I believe is the most likeliest to happen given my experience (which admittedly is limited) and given the limited information to work with, rather than writing what I think the poster is expecting/ wanting to hear; that would be totally beside the point of this site IMHO. People on this site usually don't want to judge anyone (how could we, we don't even know each other), but as said they are just trying to give their honest opinion. Just because my opinion might differ from someone else's doesn't mean I judge that person.

 

 

 

Another thing that has been bothering me is my ex girlfriend from two years ago.

 

Don't misunderstand this: but I don't think this is a healthy friendship that you are having with this girl. I don't think she is good for you

[hers]

You are toxic to boyfriends? How so? I'm surprised that you admit that.

 

Well we've had extensive conversations on the way that I've treated guys. Just think your ex + awareness of the fact, and that's me. At least the old me. I'm trying to work on it now (hence not being in a relationship).

 

The other night I met a guy for drinks off a dating site. I was very attracted to him, and I'm sitting accross from him thinking "Wow, he's seriously just a nice guy" and you could really tell that he is a nice guy. Suddenly, I just thought, "I don't need to date him. He's too nice. I don't need to spring out the crazy on such a nice guy." That thought right there told me I don't need to date right now--I was too incredibly aware of the fact that I still need to work on some things, that I have a fear of hurting people (finally! Finally that thought came that I know I hurt people in the past and that I don't want to do it again). It's all a matter of awareness, acceptance, and action for me.

[NewPhillyGuy]

I was interested in the specifics for comparison to my ex, actually.

Oh man...and you are telling me not to date....isn't that a bit hypocritical of you??

[franfran]

Wow, I didn't think people went to bars by themselves like that. I would be terrified to go to a bar by myself. I would think that every woman there would think I am some kind of stalker or creep or something. I might be inclined to go to one if I knew I wasn't portrayed as that when I walk in there by myself. I am pretty shy in nature though, so it would be difficult for me to just strike up a conversation with someone there.

 

Hey Caldus - You should try it sometime. You would never be portrayed as a stalker or a creep! So what if you don't have a whole crew of people with you, you are in a public place looking to occupy your mind with interesting images of the drunken, routy public. Sometimes I go just for a good laugh. If you don't want to talk to anyone then don't. I don't go to the bar by myself to meet people (not really the place I am looking to make a lifelong friend), just to observe and be around other living, breathing bodies haha. Helps with the loneliness from time to time.

[NewPhillyGuy]

Hey Caldus - You should try it sometime. You would never be portrayed as a stalker or a creep! So what if you don't have a whole crew of people with you, you are in a public place looking to occupy your mind with interesting images of the drunken, routy public. Sometimes I go just for a good laugh. If you don't want to talk to anyone then don't. I don't go to the bar by myself to meet people (not really the place I am looking to make a lifelong friend), just to observe and be around other living, breathing bodies haha. Helps with the loneliness from time to time.

 

I used to do this when I first moved to where I am now. I didn't really meet anyone, but I did find some interesting people to chat with for a few hours. It's not really my thing anymore though. Just not a bar person.