Divorce issue

[noregret]

I am married to this woman for 10 years and only recently have i found that our only child(8 years old) was born out of wedlock. This is a great shock to me and I cannot forgive my wife. I have made up my mind in divorcing her and get rid of this illegitimate child. I no longer want anything to deal with them, and could not care less if they end up on the street or whatever so.

However, the law will require me to give my wife a monthly alimony fee, which i am rather relunctant to give. And i do not know if the fee will increase because she still need to take care of a child.

 

I am now angry but lost

[avman]

So this child that you have known and loved all their life and who called you daddy you would cast out into the street. This child has done nothing to deserve that kind of treatment and is being punished by you for something completely out of their control.

 

While I can certainly understand your anger at your wife for her deception, do not take it out on the child. They are going to need some help in understanding all of this and for you to just throw them onto the street is heartless and cruel.

 

I hope you will reconsider your planned actions.

[noregret]

How will you feel if you have wasted precious resources on a child that is not yours? How do you feel if seeing the child will always remind you of your wife's infidelity?

Yes, it isn't the child's fault but i guess i just can no longer bear to support this child anymore.

[avman]

Is that all fatherhood was to you? A waste of precious resources? Did you receive no happiness and love from this child? Did you not give love in return? Do you not have a bond with this child and they with you?

 

Can you so easily flush that down the toilet? I can understand you being hurt and angry. Indeed I can. But are you willing to put that aside to do right by this child?

[amilasiu]

noregret, no need to be so egoistic. You feel betrayed, hurt, etc. well, you think you feel bad, think about how the kid will feel: parents separated, all of a sudden daddy hates you, you are disowned.... This will screw up the child forever and even psychoterapy sessions will not resolve that sort of childhood development. I am so sorry for the kid. Hate the wife, but have some decency towards the child.

[noregret]

Okay, so what do you suggest I should do next? I am still hurt. I have stopped talking to my wife for two weeks and I am not willing to give her a single cent for alimony fee after divorce.

As for the kid, I am not sure if he wants to follow me or his mum

[avman]

I can totally understand you are deeply hurt. I'm sure this is ripping your guts out. But thank you for being willing to listen with regards to the child.

 

Please do not cut this child out of your life. He does not care what the results of some test says. You are his daddy. You are the one that he looks to for that father figure. Though biologically he is not yours, emotionally he is. It is no different than having an adopted child. That child also isn't of your dna, yet you would love them and support them anyway.

 

You should know that in the US (I'm not sure where you are) there are many states that will consider you the childs father for the purposes of child support. Its called the 'presumed father' because you were married at the time the child was born. Getting out of that is very, very difficult. And honestly I implore you not to try. This is a child who needs food, clothing, shelter, and above all - love. He is innocent in all this. Could you consider him your 'adopted' child? Maybe that would be something that is easier for you to accept.

 

If you still decide to divorce your wife, I cannot say I blame you. But please head to some counseling for yourself. And also, please get your child into some counseling as well. He needs help sorting through this grown-up mess that he will not understand. They can help you all figure out where things need to go from here. Its complicated, and I'm afraid I don't have an easy answer for you.

 

And thank you again for being willing to listen.

 

avman

[amilasiu]

I think if your name is on the birth certificate, you by law WILL have to pay the fee. But I guess avman's and my point was, that money here is not the important thing at all. Measly alimony a month is not the main issue here in this tragic situation. The issue is how to minimize collateral damage - your child's emotional and psychological well-being. She/he does not deserve to be the biggest victim here. Both you and your soon-to-be-ex should realize that you are the grown ups and behave so. So do not say to the kid: i do not love you anymore, you are not my kid, your momma is a hoe and you are a bastard, etc. Meaning, do not show your hate. If you desperately want to, disapear gradually from child's life (although there is no good way to do this either). MINIMIZE COLLATERAL DAMAGE. You and wife are separate issue, hate and despise each other all you want.

 

Believe me I have seen this happen (my uncle was an out-of-wedlock son, after his mum died, my grandpa- because of male pride- gave him to foster care). The poor uncle got destroyed as a person at the age of 12. So hate and pride notwithstanding, no need for destroying kid's life.

[AzurePhoenix]

I was married to a woman for 7 years, together for 10, we split just over 10 years ago. We had two children together, the youngest I found out after our divorce, is not biologically mine. I understand your anger, frustration, and helplessness. I also am bound by law to pay child support for a child that is not mine (There are interesting implications here about women as property of the man in this ruling.. that a man is responsible for the actions of his wife, but the reverse is not true.. if a man who is married impregnates a single woman, the wife is in no way responsible for that child).

 

After some soul searching, I finially decided that I had to act in the best interests of an innocent young boy who calls me Dad. I will never reveal what I know, unless it is a health issue for him. I will not walk away from this boy and be party to destroying what little he hangs on to that is stable in his young world. He did not make these choices, his mother did. He did not ask to be in this situation, yet he finds himself in something that he cannot fully understand, much less deal with. I will gladly be there for him to make sure that he makes it through his childhood and comes out the other side a good man.

 

These were my choices and I share them with you as someone who found themselves in the same flavor of situation that you do. When I took on the role of a father I knew that there would be sacrifices. Sacrifices to my time, my energy, my money and my emotions. This boy has not changed from one day before you found out about your wife's infidelity to the next.. the only thing that changed is your own perspective.

 

I understand about the desperate need to want to punish her. Do you want to punish this young boy also.. to the point that you very well may destroy his life in the process?

 

AzurePhoenix

[avman]

AzurePhoenix you are a good man. Thank you very much for sharing your story.

 

You make all of us fathers out there very proud.

 

avman

[noregret]

First, I need to thank all of you who patiently listens and try help to solve my problem. Not long ago, my boy came over to me and asked 'is there anything wrong with you and mummy?' I think he can sense something is wrong in the relationship with my wife. But hearing what he asked also pains me in seeing that he is a innocent victim of his mother's selfish act.

 

I will want to fight for the custody of the child, but this also mean that the divorce cannot give this child what is supposed a happy family. As for the advise on seeking counseling to salvage the marriage, I do not think it will help. If you are a guy, you will know that It is nearly impossible to be the loving husband you once were if you find out your wife had made you a cuckold. In fact, to carry on in this marriage will, in my opinion, only give me constant pain and hatred. And AzurePhoenix, It is true that I desperately want to have revenge, but this is just normal. However, I still refringed myself from losing self- control and having quarrels with this woman; but am harboring the thought of getting rid of her from the house as soon as possible.

[AzurePhoenix]

Noregret,

 

Hang in there mate. These are the times that define who you are and test your moral fibre and strength of character. I concur with you in that you cannot stay.. and it will not be healthy for your child if you do.

 

I wish you all the best~

 

AzurePhoenix

[bladerunner1961]

I know just how you feel. The same thing happened to me 18 years ago.

The one thing you must remember,it's not the childs fault. I had to learn this also. My daughter is now 18 and one of the most precious things in my life. If you try you can accept what happened and just learn to love the child regaurless of whho it came from. Yoy may not be the natural father. But who cares,You are DAD.

[Carthiana]

Just remember, as we all do, you would have to face this in the future if you abandoned the child and/or mother to the child.

 

I find that maybe half and half of adopted kids either hate or love their birth parents whether or not they know them.

 

This said, most likely, assumptions here because I can not see all or know the future... your child may look at this when older and say "Just because I was not of his blood, of his effort of sweat in the heat of the pregancy I am not good enough now that he knows this to be in his heart, his mind, and his hands? His money is wasted on me? The times he said he loved me were really only truthful if he had known that I was blood bound to him?

 

I mean this is just one person's opinion of course, and had I been though this myself I could think totally differently. I have been fortunate not to have to have had this happen in my life.

[nothingbut_thebest]

OMG,,Thats all I have to say about that

[Eire1]

I think it's about time this country started having mandatory paternity tests at the birth of every child. This way the appropriate medical records are set up for the child and women don't get to easily commit paternity fraud. This is psychological torture imposed on these men. I can't even imagine the pain and suffering inflicted on them.

 

Anyway, since that's not the case, obviously the real father will have to be established for the child's sake (medical records). So when he is identified, why can't the state start garnishing his wages for child support and let this poor victim remain the supportive and emotional father of the child.

 

He's already suffered enough. Why should he have to pay to be in the child's life. Let the other guy pay and let this guy still be in the child's life. If that's a problem for the mother - well too bad for her.

[Minky]

I think Eire's suggestion only complicates matters. It has been 8 years and presumably there has been no contact between mother and the biological father. Why drag another man into this who will have his own agenda and needs? Can noregret really continue to provide emotional support, act as a 'dad' to this child on the one hand, whilst saying with the other that he's not paying one red nickel for son's maintenance? I don't think that will wash. ANd if the biological dad did pay maintenance, he would presumably go for contact. Or he may say he wants nothing to do with the boy(he may be married himself?: Have a family of his own right now?) So a double rejection for the kid? Is this right stage in this young boy's life to add even more complications? I don't think so. Perhaps in a few years but right now, it seems that there is going to be enough turmoil without bringing another man into this.

 

The victim in this is both the father who feels, rightly, cuckolded, and this young boy. And without wanting to exonerate the wife, I can't imagine how stressful it must have been throughout this time to live a lie to both her son who she must love wtihout question, and her husband who presumably, she did love (if not, still does). Was it a one night stand? was it a full blown affair?

 

I feel for all three of you. Azurepheonix, your reply bought tears to my eyes. I have not met you but i feel proud of you!! I hope, noregrets, that as time passes and your anger starts to abate, you can be the man you no doubt are capable of being ,and remain as a dad to a son who loves you.

[Eire1]

minky,

I agree that the child must be considered in all aspects. That's why I think it's important to get the medical records of the biological father. That could one day be a move that might save the child's life if he were to have medical conditions.

 

And so once you notify the real father for those records (and yes, I also think the real father deserves to know he has a kid out there), then this guy is involved on some level. The money should rightfully come from him. Is it right that the biological father can establish an emotional and paternal relationship with his child while this poor victim pays for everything his child needs?

 

"Can noregret really continue to provide emotional support, act as a 'dad' to this child on the one hand, whilst saying with the other that he's not paying one red nickel for son's maintenance?"

 

- Perhaps not from women who only view fathers as a paycheck or child support check. I think the money should be taken from the biological father by the courts. Period. If noregret wants to throw additional money into the equation or treat the kid to things he otherwise wouldn't have that should be his prerogative and he seems like the kind of guy who'd want to do things for the kid.

 

I just feel that men who've been ripped apart by paterntiy fraud are the victims here. I can't think of something more traumatic than finding out your wife has been defrauding you to support another man's child both emotionally and financially and then have the courts allow her disgusting behavior to continue forever. And often the wives use the money received on the child's behalf to benefit themselves. If she were to find a new guy and pick this kid up and move to the other side of the country so that noregret could never see the kid again, would you still feel like he should be getting his checks garnished for child support?

[Minky]

 

Yes. To all intents and purposes he's the kids 'dad'.

 

And of course the biological father deserves to know he has a son. But that doesn't have to happen now. there is enough going on without getting involved in a potential court battle/paternity contest (if 'real' dad disputes it) and so on. Just time and space is what's need.

 

I don't imagine the wife went to bed everynight thinking of her 'dastardly deed' and smiling to herself at the clever game she has played. not unless she is completely heartless and cold and calculating, traits I would have thought noregrets may have picked up on. There is pain for all three here, but I agree noregrets and the boy come first.

[Eire1]

Yes. To all intents and purposes he's the kids 'dad'.

 

And of course the biological father deserves to know he has a son. But that doesn't have to happen now. there is enough going on without getting involved in a potential court battle/paternity contest (if 'real' dad disputes it) and so on. Just time and space is what's need.

 

I don't imagine the wife went to bed everynight thinking of her 'dastardly deed' and smiling to herself at the clever game she has played. not unless she is completely heartless and cold and calculating, traits I would have thought noregrets may have picked up on. There is pain for all three here, but I agree noregrets and the boy come first.

 

My feelings is that honesty and truthfulness are always best - no exceptions made. Keeping the biological father in the dark does not benefit the child. He needs the medical records. Don't wait for an emergency to then open this can of worms. Open it now, get the truth out, start collecting from the biological father, let the deceived victim continue to see the child for the child's benefit.

 

And yes women who commit paternity fraud tend to suspect all along it's the other man's child. But as you know it's always easier to lie and deceive and benefit from the deception than to risk the financial stability and come clean and do what's ethical and right.

[Minky]

Ethical and right by who? The child? Not necessarily if the biological father doesn't want to know.

 

As for the medical issue - the odds, if he's come along 8 years without any problems, are small that an emergency will arise. this isn't an episode of ER, i fail to see that particular aspect as 'urgent'.

[Eire1]

Ethical and right by who? The child? Not necessarily if the biological father doesn't want to know.

 

As for the medical issue - the odds, if he's come along 8 years without any problems, are small that an emergency will arise. this isn't an episode of ER, i fail to see that particular aspect as 'urgent'.

She created this whole mess by keeping people in the dark and deceiving. It's time to let all the parties of interest in on her deception and do what's best for the kid. If the biological father doesn't want to know then that's the best scenario, because he'll provide his medical records, get his wages garnished, and disappear.

 

Women have such a difficult time separating the child's best interests from their own best interests and that's how these messes are created.

[just M.E.]

noregret - I'm adopted, your anger is wasted on me

 

I am my parents child, my mother did not give birth to me, my father was not my sire, I grew in my mothers heart not her womb. They are the only parents I know, just as you are the only father your child knows, it is your child. Did you love this child before you knew? How can a parents love change?

 

If you don't get over your sin of pride, I would judge you to be a heartless basta*** . I am living proof that parenting is not biological, and yes I was an illegitimate child who was blessed to be adopted.

 

So now that I have scolded you, please think of this child and his life, what is decided between you wife and you is one thing, do not throw your son into that pot. He is a person who will always be your son if you allow him to.

[Eire1]

This old friend of mine lived in this family of six. I always noticed throughout my friendship with him that he and his brother were treated completely different then their other two much younger brothers. The father would always treat the younger two brothers to stuff, but leave out the older two brothers - this included getting to go to NBA games, concerts, etc.. My friend would * * * * * all the time about it and hated his father.

 

In high school his Mother informed these two brothers that their "father" was not their biological father. That their real father became handicapped and she left him for the guy who would become their new father. They didn't want to confuse the kids at the time as it seemed like the new father was really bonding with them, and they seemed to get along so well with him, so much so, that he wanted to become their legal father. That is, until the new guy's biological kids were born.

 

To these two brothers all their questions about mistreatment, favoritism, and emotional abuse, etc were now answered. They felt conned and robbed of a relationship with their biological father. They immediately had their legal last names changed to that of their biological father who was now deceased.

 

I remember the turmoil they went through. All these lies and deceit that mothers/wives choose over honesty and ethics are NEVER in the best interest of the children, as they're so quick to use as an excuse. The children deserve to know the score. It is their lives that will be most greatly impacted and there is NEVER an easy time to do what needs to be done. Don't wait until he's in high school to tell him who his biological father is.