Reflection

[Wmast]

Well we're all here in the same boat. We've all lost love and we are in pain. We come here day in and day out to get advice, to express our feelings, to give advice, all of which we hope will help us move on. It's hard. The pain from the rejection, lies, abandonment, cheating, etc really makes us question the idea of love in its entirety. Even more, some of us don't even know how to cope because we've never experienced this kind of pain. I'm one of these people.

 

When my ex left me, I couldn't even comprehend the loss. We were together for 5 years and BEST FRIENDS for 3 years before that. We've been through the best of times and the worst of times but we always weathered whatever storms came our way. So how could it be that someone who has been such a integral part of my life for more than 1/3 of my entire existence just decide to leave? I just didn't get it.

 

Then came the lies and the manipulation. She told me that she needed to take some "time off" to get her head straight. I figured that since we were in the middle of planning our wedding maybe she was just having cold feet. I explictly asked her if she was interested in seeing someone else and she said, "no, not at all". Needless to say she was lying. The time "off" became, "I need to see what else is out there, you were my only (real) boyfriend", and within days some guy was leaving her comments on her Myspace. The next thing you know she's in a new relationship and I'm left out in the cold.

 

I had so many questions but she didn't give me the time of day. This was my first love, this was my best friend, this is the woman who I was planning a wedding with so I think that an answer to my questions was warranted. But unfortunately all I got were lies.

 

The disrespect was so blatant. But for some reason I put up with it. This is where we become the post breakup doormat. Looking back I put up with it because I wasn't looking at the person she became but rather I was looking for the OLD her. I was so desperately searching for the girl I fell in love with, the girl who I use to hold in my arms, the girl who told me her greatest fears/ her biggest dreams, the girl who picked out our childrens' names; I was so desperatly looking for a girl who NO LONGER EXISTS.

 

What I've come to realize is that what when we love, we connect with our partners on an emotional, physical and spirtiual level. We put our ALL on the line. We trust our significant others with our lives which leaves us extremely vulnerable. There's something so secure about mutual true love, I think of it as a complete circle. But when that circle is broken, when it's violated, we don't know how to comprehend the violation. We try so desperately to fix the circle, to complete it once again that we don't see what's really going on. In my case, she NO LONGER FELT A FUTURE WAS WORTH IT WITH ME. If she did she would have never left my side. Not only that, her lies, her deceit, tells me that SHE NO LONGER RESPECTED ME. But again, I never saw that because I was so blinded. This is where we put them on the pedestal. To make matters worse she came back telling me she made the worst mistake and that she needed me back (but I see now that it was only her seeking an ego boost because she was likely having problems in her new relationship). But I won't even get into that, just really shows how selfish people can be and the utter lack of respect they have for the emotions of others.

 

So where does that leave us? We're left out in the cold for sure, we're left with this unbearable, undescribable pain. I know with me there were cetain things about the realization of the breakup that hurt me the most.

 

1. I felt like I had no purpose. Rather, it was more like there was no meaning to my future actions. For instance, I was actively saving money for our wedding, honeymoon, and for our living expenses. So here I am, I have 30k saved just for us and I'm left with the feeling of: "what now". That hurts. Having dreams and plans crushed... That hurts. Without dreams and hopes, what do we have to live for? What's the point?

But I've found that we just have to scrap our old plans and make new ones. Sure it will hurt but what other choice do we have? In my case it's been 7 months and I haven't touched the money saved; I almost memorialized it. By why??? Why shouldn't I go spend some of it on something good on myself, maybe go invest some of it, maybe give some to charity, etc... No reason to keep it there. Could it be that I'm subconsiously holding onto the past? Of course it is... And I can no longer do that. No reason to allow the past to limit me. The future is too bright.

 

2. I felt like- how could she go on without me? We pretty much went everywhere together, experienced everything together. And it's not so much that we felt that we always NEEDED to be with each other, it was more like we enjoyed experiencing life TOGETHER. So again, I was left questioning, how can you make new memories without me? That hurt BADLY. I was often invited out to different events but I always turned them down because I felt "what's the point of being happy, experiencing new things if she can't be there with me". Its like I felt guilty about having fun without her (weird I know). But once again can I allow her to dictate my happiness? Can I allow her to take up any more of my life? NOPE, I have to keep moving! She's not worried about being happy without me so I should have no qualms about being happy without her.

 

3. The lies she told me hurt me a lot. How could someone I trusted with my life lie to me? And worst of all, I did nothing to give her reason to lie. Like how can she just stand right in front of me, look me in the eyes and lie to me? Pretty much just shows me she has no respect for me. Someone who doesn't show me respect doesn't deserve my love. Someone like that doesn't deserve me pining over them. That's all I have to say about that.

 

4. Lastly, it hurts me to think that my trust in human beings, specifically another girl is absolutely shot. This is something I still need to reconcile within myself. How can I be expected to give my heart away again? I mean I've been so close with my ex for the past 8 YEARS and she burned me. How can I trust someone else? I know that I will just "have to" but I think it's waaaay easier said than done. I feel like I've been tainted, and I feel animosity towards my ex because I know I'm going to have a hard time in future relationships and that's neither fair to me or the next person I meet. But I guess such is life.

 

Anyway, I know this post is all over the place but I think most of all this breakup taught me that you can only trust in one person and that person is YOU. We have to treat ourselves right because we're all we have. I see the strength in myself that I never knew existed. I never thought I'd get past this but day by day I'm getting better, I'm moving forward. I LOVE myself more than I love her or anything else in this world for that matter. And that's how it should be! I will continue to make myself a better man physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually and I'm doing that for ME. I won't even say I'm doing it for my next love because none of that is important. If a new girl comes along then she'll come whether or not I'm looking. If she never comes, then atleast I know that I don't need someone else to complete me because I love myself too much.

 

Stay strong people. Love yourself and everything else will follow!

[Grace]

There's life after our exes, that was the biggest shock for me, you plan your future with someone, but you don't take time to plan your future after someone, so it bites you on the ass and you have to rebuild.

[Pkittie]

Wmast I feel your pain....Shock. hurt...loss of trust...emptiness...amd most importantly the ever growing PAIN... After going through one divorce & being dumped twice I realize love is not that easy to find. Sometimes it hurts a lot when you know the other person has deliberately hurt you & could not care less. I wish there was an easy remedy...I myself am SO scared to trust anybody again. Trust me I'm telling you from my bitter experiences that nothing comes with guarantees...I was with my husband for 5 yrs( and loved each other dearly just like what you described above) & he still called it quits.. I saw a side to him that was unimaginable....What can be done Then yrs later I fell in love & he dumped me SO bad for no fault of mine just because he got scared of commitment....Just pray to God that he helps you get thro this ordeal..And for future I hope & pray that you begin to feel stronger. Try & help people...Giving brings a sense of purpose to life...As Buddha said...impermanence is part of life...we live & die...Hopefully one day you will meet somebody who will love you more than you can ever imagine...I'm living on that hope & hope is what keeps us alive!!

 

You are capable of such wonderful love & emotions & you deserve someone who appreciates you for that. It's only after reading posts by guys like you that I feel some solace that every guy is not a jerk...I would give an arm & leg to find someone like you...I applaud you for your devotion and unswerving loyalty...

[Wmast]

There's life after our exes, that was the biggest shock for me, you plan your future with someone, but you don't take time to plan your future after someone, so it bites you on the ass and you have to rebuild.

 

Beautiful words!

[quirky]

Wmast, I as well felt your pain and empathised..

I can see you've gone through a lot of difficulty with this. For me as well this breakup was a first in true pain and I also feel that I have seen a strength in me I never knew existed, so I guess I understand a lot of what you say. My ex was also a great friend and I now also have some trust issues I never experienced before. This is the time where I suppose you have faith in life and yourself that things will work out..

You are getting better it sounds, you are optimistic and that is great

[Chrisanderson]

This is a great thread Wmast. You show true understanding. I hope you heal up soon bud

[JMichelle124]

I don't think you were all over the place... Unfortunately every single thing you said I related to. The questions, the things that you want, the lies, the hurt, the future relationships... I am sorry!

 

For me it doesn't matter what anyone says to make me feel better, I have to want to do it for me and it is harder than I ever expected.

[ChilliRed2013]

Old post, but great to read Wmasts Reflection.