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There is hope brothers and sisters ...


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So after 4.5 months of NC, an oil tanker of booze, 22 near nervous breakdowns, insomnia, a perpetual stitch on my left side - well you all get the picture - there is a break in the clouds.

 

Yup - so I have steered clear of women while I focussed on me and my ongoing failures in terms of the women I choose. These have been the hardest but also most honest and enlightening months of my life. Anyway, I have been set up on a few dates but just felt nothing whatsoever. But, out of the blue I get an xmas invite from a woman I was always interested in (she had moved to South Africa but just moved back) but one of us was always with someone else and neither of us would go there. But I knew her well and knew she was a good woman.

 

I was nervous as hell going to the party. Then I saw her and all the anxiety just fell away and I remembered how beautiful she is and how wonderful her kharma. And when she hugged me I felt like a man for the first time since that dingbat I used to love walked out on me. We talked at length. We agreed to meet for dinner on the week-end. Neither of us is in a relationship and we may finally see where this might go.

 

So - I am not saying the answer lies outside you - it most assuredly does not and I have the wounds to prove just how deep I have gone. Nor am I saying that the chance of a relationship with a good woman is a heal-all. But what I am saying is that there comes a time when the combination of your work during those dark nights of the soul and the entrance of a new person can take you to a place you thought would never exist again when your ex poured acid on your heart. And that is a wonderful revelation and I wish the same for all of my fellow sufferers at ENA.

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Deckard -

 

Good for you! I do agree with you that a new person is not a heal all solution, but it's a huge piece in the healing process. All the people I know (and that includes myself) can only REALLY get over the ex and that nagging pain associated with the breakup after a new love appears in the picture.

 

Many people disagree with this, but I'm pretty convinced that it's true. Rebounds don't heal, but a real, true, new love definitely does. Too bad this 'pill' is not something that is readily available. If it was, I think that psychologists all over the world would go bankrupt! A new love just happens when it happens.

 

All the best to you,

 

LFG

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Thank you all. The only thing I now know to be true is that Love - of self, of family, of friends, of partner, of all - is the only thing that matters. I don't know why I know this now or why I didn't know it before but that is just the way it is and I am not talking about wearing a smock and distributing love flowers down at the mall. Nope - I am talking love of the whole thing - sure we all love the good and the light - but you also have to accept and love the dark and the vile within you or else you spend your time denying those things and thus the whole of what you are and go around judging everyone else. I am a complete contradiction in terms - I love and hate, am brave and am fearful, am good and vile, am virtuous and perverted - I am yin to my yang. Ok I am getting a bit metaphysical here but it is all summed up by my favorite bumper sticker: "I'm not OK and you're not OK but hey that's OK." Oh and I knew none of this before I got dumped and my ex threw my heart in the f*****g blender so think of where I would be had she not done me that service.

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JM - how long you been NC? I would have puked if you told me I would ever look at another woman when I was 60 days NC. It just evolves and you get a new self from the process but it starts with NC cause thats the fundamental act of self-respect when you feel like a total zero - NC gives you some control, it tells you that you matter and every new day of NC repudiates the actions of the f*** who ripped your heart out and then trotted merrily off.

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D-

No days w-o any contact. Sadly. We have been broken up for over 6 weeks now and at one point I went 2 weeks with NC and broke it and then I went another 2 weeks without NC and had sex on Saturday and have talked everyday since. Or basically I have contacted him everyday since... so I am starting over tomorrow! I was doing so good there for a while though, those weeks without contact made content but then the second I saw hin Saturday I was back to step one. I kind of feel like a crazy person...will that go away?

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You are the only one who can take back control and be kind to you - so just go NC for a day - just to show yourself you are good and inherently matter - and during that day think of the disrespect shown you by that person. Would you ever treat a friend in that fashion? So be a friend to you and go NC. Regardless of your current state or ultimate intentions with regard to ex - it is the only means of self-respect and self-love available to you right now. It is a gift from your dark night of the soul - take it and let it shield/protect you. I am wishing every good thing for you but it starts with you doing this act of kindness to yourself by going NC.

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