This is confusing...insight/advice would be greatly appreciated!

[Pandaman211]

Hey this is my first thread so sorry if i posted in the wrong spot! also sorry if its long, I just figure I could give enough background info to get the best response possible

 

My gf left me after about 9 months of dating/relationship back in september, and started instantly getting so BITTER and COLD. I pleaded, begged, sent her flowers for a week and a half and she said thanks bla bla even got her a bday present of which she said thanks to, but other than that kept MORE getting bitter bc of my clingy behavior i realize now(i know, i was pushing her away, ive had plenty of time to reflect). She started bringing up so much crap from like months ago that wasn't a big deal then (we had fantastic communication so when something was bothering another, we'd tell e/o), or like she took out of context and it made it sound worse. Some of it was legit, but months later after she laughed/was like no thats stupid why dont you trust me that its not a big deal? idk. At one point, I said why are you acting like this b/c she was acting superficial and talking fake like a 13 year old girl, and she said "maybe i wasn't myself when i was with you", and I was the most important thing in her life for the over a year I knew her, and I said do you really mean that? and she responded by saying IDK, my friends said I was different when I was with you( * * * ). you could tell she was faking and putting up a front, trying to disguise her emotions, when I did the opposite. Well after about 1.5 wks, i gave her her space. She basically made me feel awful about everything, like it was all my fault, which now that I have really healed, I've realized it was 100% wrong for her to say all the things se did to me. well then we have a talk about a week and a half later, and shes like bipolar, sometimes bringing up stuff from the past, sometimes showing that spark.

 

I apologized for my needy, insecure, clingy behavior, and all the other things in detail she was getting bitter at me about. Then IDK she was like" I don't Know [what i want]. I would be in your arms right now, I just don't know anymore" and "I wanted things to work when you came over, I really did, but I don't think its going to work out right now" and "could you get back together with me knowing my friends and family al dont want me to get back with you?" I figured at this point, she had told her friends and family a one sided story and they were all against. I looked at is as as bitter as she was, and her friends/fam against me, she still sad IDK so that was a good sign. B/c in the past, when she broke up with her bf of 3 yrs, she directly told him there were no 2nd chances, date other people, shes very blunt. So i knew deep down she loved me and wanted to be with me, but I really think her friends/fam bc all of them as a unit were telling her that she was right, etc., so she was unsure of what to do (which is BS, I did act needy/insecure towards the lsat month of the relationship that prob led to this, but she was going thru family problems and kept taking it out on me, which is uncharacteristic of her bc shes so sweet, kind, nice, i kept letting it effect me, I know I was wrong in reacting hurt). So she said she would let me know when she figured it out (i never said id wait for her)

 

Fast forward to 2 weeks later, she sends me a facebook msg about some class i took the previous college semester. So i click her profile and it says shes in a relationship with another dude (like an idiot, i had continued checking her facebook) I was devastated. I had my blunt friends look at his facebook and I did a bit too, and we all came to the same conclusion: though we dont know him, this guys the opposite of me. hes 2 years older than us, looks like a low quality(what rebounds TYPICALLY are) frat overweight beer bellied slob(judgemental, but seriously), and is going nowhere(besides bars to drink). I was in shock. Granted I didn't know much about rebounds at the time, I called her up and she was talking in some 13 year old girl voice and responded by saying "What are you talking abouuuttt? Why are you loooking at my faaacebook? I did want to get back together, but then yo went crraazzyy" and thenhung up. Messed up. I was so hurt. She never gets a bf that fast, she told me she was in love w/ me the most and i was the most caring best bf she had ever had, and we dated for 3-4 months b4 we were officially together. So it hurt, that in 5 weeks later, shes in a new relationship. This was in october. he wasnt muscular, good looking, just from all his pics look like all he did was drink and got fat from it. I knew everyone in her life, which w eprobably spent to much time together, and now I realize it, but I had no idea who he was, then I realized her two friends/roommates must've introduced her to him and maybe told her to date others or w/e and thast why she said she didnt know b/c in the relationship i always took the initiative(and she was being swayed by friends) bc shes somewhat shy and passive, and the fact that this dude and me mutual friends were her and her 2 friends.

 

So i was upset, emotional that she kept hanging up on me,etc. so i said okay im doing no good by contacting her, let her see how life is w/o me. week and a half later, some1 calls my house 6 times in a row and i answer and its her and shes pretending like she doesnt know who it is (bs, only ppl that know my house # are her and my family) and with her friend in the car tries to make the excuse that her phone was in her car all day, and she looked at it just now and it had my home # on outgoing calls and didnt know why (implying some1 might've broke into her car and dialed my number and then left, lol!). Dumbest thing I've ever heard. then like an idiot, I said you know I dont hate you I just dont agree with you you've handled this, i feeling like youre keeping me on the fence, and im not waiting arond im going to move on too(she got offensive here and was like okay no1s telling you not to then do it!) and i was like you said you didnt know then you get a bf in a few weeks? and she was like i didnt know what i wanted..i mean i dont, i told you i'll get back to you when i figure it out. She wanted to know if I hated her or not, and i played her game by telling her I didn't(hung up on me a couple minutes later too). Fast forward to 4 weeks later of NC, right b4 thanksgiving break, we have a class together and its a 200 person class and she sits on the right side of class and me on the left. Well she walked in late, walks up the stairs on my side of the room(didnt know it was her) all the way to the back (im not looking at her just taking notes, and theres like 3 feet of walking room in back), and then i feel something nail my chair and every1 on our row turns around and shes like SORRY! im thinking * * * ? and then i et a text 10 seconds later saying sorry didn't mean to do that. I figure she was prob trying to grab my attention, b/c out of 10 people, how did yo hit my chair? also, theres 2-3 ft of walking room, theres no way you couldve hit me, couldve come in on the other side door, plus the text, etc. I just responded w/ haha no worries bc i know she expected me to make a conversation.

 

I went on thanskgiving break and felt fantastic. I felt I was finally gettig over her a week before when she hit my chair, but knew i wasn't totally bc it bothered me. I felt great, just what I needed, I realized that we had a good go, but honestly, there was something better out there probably waiting for me if its not gonna be her, and its really not the end of the world. I didn't even know what NC was, or how it affects someone, but it was great.. The tuesday after break she comes up to me and starts talking to me after class in a 13 year old superficial fake voice like "do you have the notes from lecture ##?" and I said IDK i'll see (I didn't feel any emotions at all, it was awesome) and she asked if the reason IDK was b/c it was her and i wa slike no i was late that day ill send it to you if I have it and asked for her email (of which she looked confused b/c she was prob like how does he not know my email-wasn't trying to play games, just was SUPER tired) and then she left, I sent em to her bc I honestly didnt care, and I knew she was just trying to talk to me, b/c the day that we took the notes that she wanted, I walked in 10 minutes late, and I just happened to see her there! So i knew it was bs excuse and I just played it off like w/e, b/c as far as im concerned, i had moved on, was happy for the last few weeks, and anything other than I made a mistake I'm sorry can we talk was bs.

 

Okay sorry this is almost done I promise! Appreciate it if you're reading this! anyways ast night I was on facebook(hadnt looked at her profile for almost 2 months, been 3 since we broke up), and i noticed my friends had decreased by a few. I was like hmm..thats weird, i randomly typed in her name on my friends list and it said you have no friends named so and so (she did this in the last 2 weeks it had to be, possibly just in the last week, b/c i saw her online a couple weeks ago). On top of it, her roommate and friend had deleted me too(the same 1 that was in the car w/ her when she made that bs call to my house). are you serious? How immature and high school has this whole process PLUS this been? It bothered me and the reason being, was me and my friends that know her were confident that she would come back, bc she was just listening to others, we all knew how strongly she felt and how i was the most supportive, caring, loving, etc., but i wasn't banking on it. I got my life back, looked a tthe relationship for what it was, and was like okay that girls coming back, but I gotta move on, theres someone else there if she doesnt its not the end of the world.

 

So my question is, why the heck would her and her friend recently take me off my facebook? i was such a big part of her life, i knew we'd talk again at some point about everything, but she hasn't been herself. Are these signs for me to pick up on or what? Honestly, if she did it, maybe bc she didnt wanna get updates on me and stuff, but i talked to my sister whose a psych major and she says judjging by her actions in the last few sporadic interactions we've had, she said that since her friend did it too, she thinks shes just trying to get a reaction out of me, kinda like her listing herself in a relationship and other things earlier a month and a half ago when I was reacting. I figured maybe my ex had changed a bit and started realizing stuff, but if thats the reason, thats some BS. I'm super confused. It makes sense, I thought that too, but it seems to far fetched, like why would she go to that extent [to get a rxn]? I know I said I was over it and stuff, but its a natural guy thing, I like to be in control, I would like her 1 day I guess to somewhat come back so we can talk about everything that happened, let everything go, and then see where we are and if its worth it ya know? we had somethin fantastic. but i do see that if it doesnt happen there will be plenty of other women that care about me and will love me and not do this to me. Like I said, my feelings about her are somewhat unsure, as I haven't really thought about it...

 

I still want to know what everyone thinks: Do you agree with my sister, or is there some other reason? after 3 months, YOU dumped ME, YOU got a BF, and you're going to take me off facebook with your friend (showing that her and her friend were talking about me) when half of peoples friends on facebook they dont even talk to/know? give me your insight, and thanks so much again for reading this! Also I'd appreciate it if you would tell me what you think any of this means, what i should do, and how I should approach asking her for my txtbook i need back briefly that i know she needs for next semester(i was just going to call, make light small talk,a nd then tel her i needed it). SORRY

[Lionel Hutz]

If I were you, I would leave this girl alone. She is playing games with you. She wants to be with you but does not know, and has a new frat boyfriend. I know its hard, but let it go. Let the facebook deal go, let her friends go. If they were your friends they wouldnt play the game and "take sides" You sound pretty mature, and it sounds like you did much reflecting; well you did, you stated such. So think, is it worth trying to deal with someone who may not know what they really want? Even when if you do get back together, shell question it, and even have trouble committing later. Give it time, and do things you want to do, pay less attention to her, and she'll pay more to you(funny how this really works). This if you want her back, which im sure you do. Ask her for the book back and thats it. Sometimes, like my g/f did during our break up, theyll hold things hostage for contact. Get it back soon, this way you have no reason whatsoever to talk to her. She may come around and she may not. Its best for you to take care of yourself and your studies. She may see her folly, or she may not, and if not, thats someone not worth your time. Best Wishes.

[NJRon]

Wow.. I read your whole post and all I can come up with is one word: CRAZY.

 

The whole situation is just crazy. You are being taken on a rolelrcoaster ride and you're choosing to go! Don't know why. If I were you i would distance myself entirely. Be glad she and her firends aren't on yoru facebook.. no more reminders of emotional rides. Let it go and keep moving on.

[Pandaman211]

I see what youre saying saying NJ. I had done a good job, but I guess this sorta stirred up feelings. I didn't know till now bc like I said I made it a point to not look at her facebook. I'm severely disappointed she did that. I knew that was the only blatant way she could keep me in mind & I knew she would look at it since I wasn't initiating contact, and the fact that her and her friend went to that extent to take me off proves it. I just really think shes letting her friends/fam influence her on what she does, I told her a few weeks after that it didnt matter what me, her friend/fam said, it mattered what she said, bc she was in the relationship, and she said I know, so it seems like she acknowledges that their opinion doesn't matter but still is influenced by them. What do you think?

 

Lionel- you're right though and I've realized that too, that someone thats going to play like this is not worth it, I guess I just want opinions on what these things mean, if shes just cutting me off, (which is dumb I haven't been mean to her on her dumb attempts to talk), or if they took me off to get a reaciton out of me. When my sister said that I was unsure at first, b/c shes not like that, but i guess shes like that now, judging from how shes initiated contact in the last month. Keep the responses coming guys! Give me your opinions about last part of my post! Much appreciated!

[Lionel Hutz]

If you have any doubt in your mind about dealing with her, go with a clean slate(new girl). Reconciliation should be about understanding within and adjusting. No need to get back together and hash out why things failed, it leads to arguments, and old issues. As I said, move on. If I were you, the new boyfriend would have been it. That would be all I needed to think, "NEXT" There are soooo many great girls out there, why waste your time. Do you plant bad seeds always or sift through to the good ones for a healthy crop? BTW, moving on doesnt mean theres never a chance for you two, time apart can make people realise they need to stop playing games.

[brent642]

Wow, your post was brilliant pandaman! I'm serious! My ex girl that brought me to this forum did the same sht! I mean THE SAME. I'm actually laughing as I type this. You are not alone. Get this about my girl...

 

 

...we broke up on extremely good terms...she "fell out of love" or so she says...and just one week later she had become so cold and heartless it was absolutely the saddest thing I had ever seen in my life. How could she turn from such a beautiful, bouncing soul of a person, to a complete heartless btch. The kicker is...she was immediately hot the day of the breakup, just felt like a break...and a week later you'd swear she never even knew me.

 

She would do the "Oh, heeeellloo????" 13 year old girl voice on the phone...trying to play dumb when she was obviously trying to play games with me. How fcked up is that? She even denied knowing my number and sht to my friends and spreading bllsht rumors about me "stalking" here. Yeah, it's that bad between us now.

 

...this is not speculation. I know of a few ppl on this forum who just love to tout around the saying "you're reading into things that aren't there"...and they are absolute morons. Some people believe in the philosophy that the dumpee reads into many things that aren't there...and although this is often true...stuff like this does not just appear between the lines...it's right there in the plain open.

 

I know my girl better than anyone...even her own mother. She knows this, I know this...and I know you know your girl as well. You're not crazy, she is. Regardless of what anyone tells me...I know my situation. Bottom line: she's been playing games with me. Why? I still don't know. Obviously, I really think to draw me back to her...as messed up as that sounds. Women have insane psychology compared to men(yes ladies you are truly unique) I have a funny feeling she knows my psychology and want to see how smart I really am as a man...like to test my "alpha-maleness" or something. I don't really know. It's just a guess.

 

Honestly, the best advice I can give that has worked consistently for me is to just COMPLETELY ignore her. I mean do not speak to her. Do nothing. An example...

 

I used to say hi to my ex girl infrequently...and you know what? Now she interprets that as trying to get with her, or stalking her! It was like even a short hi instant messenger or something was grounds for her being a btch to me. Eventually I said fck it and dropped off the face of the earth. Since them I have seen results. I think she's cracking. I'm starting to believe girls that do this sht are like a chinese finger trap...the harder you pull the more screwed you are.

 

Best of luck!

[Pandaman211]

Great Post brent! This might sound creepy, but I've seen you post on many threads in the last month (reverse psychology of rebounds to name 1). What do you mean that your ex you think has cracking, what is she starting to do? Also, what do you think her and her friend taking me off facebook after her bs attempts to make talk with me means/y she did it? To play games? She was always so sweet and nice and grateful, because she had it rough, it's a shame to see this.

 

I also want to include this, of which I've realized. I went into not contacting her, not bc of the NC rule, I didn't know it existed, but b/c I knew that everything I was doing was pushing her away. Nothing I was saying to her would help my situation. So initially I did it to let her realize what life was without me, b/c only time heals feelings of resentment. It just so happened that I began to slowly get over her. I always thought a woman made you complete, and made you ultimately happy. I thought this for most of my life, and now feel very differently.

 

People need to keep in mind that no woman will ever make you happy (by herself at least). The way you live your life will make you happy. And a subcategory of that includes what you do, if you're doing what you want, your family, your friends, AND your girlfriend/fiancee/wife.

[Pandaman211]

I mean I'm starting to be uncertain..like IDK why I'm letting this affect me. I didn't care after 4 weeks(guess I knew she'd be back at some point and that helped in my healing, just didnt care at some point anymore) when she started to contact me with the chair and notes thing, both of which were an excuse, and then she takes me off her facebook? And her friend does too? I just think thats ridiculous, it doesn't make sense for her to do it to move on, because she dumped me, told me she didnt know and would get back to me, I stopped talking to her bc there was nothing to say, and then she started initiating this garbage, IDK if their trying to get a reaction out of me or what. It does seem like her friends are influencing her. Man this is stupid. I know what to do and what I need to do, I just want to know what this means and what you all think it is. Not trying to look into it too much, but trying to grab my attention the way she did after a period of a month, and then taking me off (IDK at what point she did, i just know it had to be in the last about 2 weeks), I'm just confused. Again I want to know what you all think her doing that means. Thanks! I'm really pleased at how understanding people have been

[brent642]

Pandaman I'll tell you what has worked for me. Unlike most people the phrase "just move on" doesn't work with me...frankly I wanna punch people in the face when I hear it. I don't play that card. I contemplate...I really, really just reflect on my relationship and myself...

 

...trust me...if you've read my posts as you've said you'll know as much as anyone, I was HEARTBROKEN...I was very close to death from an overdose. I didn't actually do it...I researched it, stopped midway, and just sat in my house debating why I felt such as I did...and truly it was a blessing in disguise.

 

I now understand myself. I feel very enlightened. Granted, I am still very much heartbroken...but I am, I guess, "ok" with living...suicidal thoughts are rare in my mind nowadays.

 

My point is: my situation is nothing minor...I was very attached to this girl, so I can relate with a passion to what you're saying.

 

First, about the facebook thing you said...get this. my ex deleted me off myspace out of the blue. When I looked into it I thought to myself "What is this childish crap? Are you serious? What was the last thing I did before she did this?"...then I realized...it was my myspace "mood" message...it said something like this...looking back it makes me laugh...

 

"Drum lessons with nicole, anna, and mr. krupa til 5, call/txt."

 

hmm...interesting right? hanging out with 2 girls! OH my! Well, when I brought it up to her she said something along the lines of "Are you serrrioouusssssss???? I did that like omg...5 minutes agoooo....and you already noticed...."

 

long story short: She eventually went on to say she was "moving on" and that's why she did it. But I do know this, in the 2.5 years I've been with her some things don't change, and this is really my main point...

 

Big habits don't change...if you've been going out with a girl for at least a year you know her mannerisms...and she damn well knows yours.

 

I know my girl has MAD jealousy issues...I mean bad. And I also know has MAJOR friend issues(she used to cry herself to sleep at night because she felt she had no friends), even more she has a HUGE stubborn issue with admitting when she's wrong...

 

now here's what I think she knows about me or my mannerisms...I know she knows I'm not like most guys...I'm very sensitive about my emotions when it comes to her...she knows I love her beyond her imagination...if she only knew how much I loved her she would explode haha...also I think she got the impression I came off a bit clingy...I'm sure there's more, but then again...it's always hardest seeing your own ego/habits.

 

...so when you really think about it...is it really much of a mystery? That's my theory at least. And as a further note, chicks tend to agree with their friends. It's just a fact of life. They will castrate you before they abandon their friends. If your ex wants something, you can be sure her friends will support her in her twisted mind games...again the best thing you can do is be the alpha and shrug it off...at the very least you heal, and possibly reconcile...

 

...hope that cleared some stuff up. if not feel free to comment back. I especially enjoy talking about this sort of thing...mainly because it's a different take on my own personal story so I can learn from you and you me.