Need to Stop Worrying

[einsteins_girl]

It feels like forever since I posted on ENA! Hi everyone!

 

As you all know, my ex-boyfriend and I reconciled just over a month ago. Things are going pretty well, with just a few minor blips, pretty much all of which have been caused by me. -sigh-

 

Last night was another one of those blips, and for the first time, he was really able to articulate what frustrates him so much (or maybe it was the first time I actually heard what he's been trying to tell me). He said that I worry way, way too much, and I need to stop being so uptight. (Yes, he said it just like that... but he didn't mean it to sound as mean as it might.) He said that I let the insecurities get the best of me, start coming up with worst case scenarios, start obsessively worrying, and then I voice it to him and we end up in a circular argument where I'm worrying and worrying, and he doesn't know what to say or do to make things better. Then he gets frustrated and wonders if we should really be together.

 

Right now, I do have a lot to worry about - things with my family are weird, grad school is an overwhelming amount of work, work is crazy, and I'm frankly still really worried that he's going to up and leave me again like he did in July. I told him last night that I don't feel yet like I can trust that he's going to stay. He asked what he's done to indicate in this last month that he would leave. And there's nothing. He hasn't done anything. He's been wonderful. Affectionate. Really listening to me. Loving. Accommodating. He's been great. So why can't I trust it? And why do I worry so much? And how do I stop myself from downward spiraling with worry and taking him and our relationship with me?

 

I'm in therapy, and I'll bring this up at my next appointment, but I'd like the thoughts of anyone who's maybe felt the same way or gone through the same thing.

 

I don't want to screw up this second chance. I love him with all of my heart and want to spend the rest of my life with him. So why can't I trust it and myself?

[csrc85]

your situation is pretty similar to mine. my boyfriend broke up with me in early july, and asked for me back 3 weeks later. we've been going strong ever since, but i still am sometimes insecure that he's going to break up with me again and i'm so terrified of having to go through the hurt and heartache that i felt before.

 

i'm a worrier too. but i've slowly been realizing these past few months since we got back together that life is just so much easier if i put those worries at the back of my mind and focus on the positives. he calls me often because he wants to talk to me. he lets me know how much he thinks of me (we're long distance) and just earlier today he was talking about the future with me and wanting to make plans for once i'm done school and we won't be long distance anymore.

 

bringing up your insecurities with him will only drive him away. it's not fair to place your worries on someone else and expect them to always be reassuring you that everything's ok when they feel like they haven't done anything to warrant it. i'm sure it gets exhausting and repetitive for them after a while.

 

if you feel worried or anxious about your relationship, call a friend. vent about it to someone else instead of bringing it up to your boyfriend every time. my relationship with my boyfriend is so much better now that i'm not over-analyzing everything all the time.

[einsteins_girl]

Thank you so much! That's really good advice... I'm going to really try to put my worries on the backburner, but I am SUCH a good worrier. I've perfected it.

 

But I just have to keep trying!

[csrc85]

i know how hard it is, and when you're worried or anxious it's so tempting to just call him up and get the reassurance you want. you just need to distract yourself, it makes things so much easier!

[bronte]

Yep, I can identify too! My bf and I are approaching six months of being back together and little things still have the power to make me INCREDIBLY insecure.

 

I did have to learn to not tell him every time when I'm feeling insecure about the relationship--it doesn't seem fair that the guys are able to "move on" so easily from the breakup while we still carry the emotional baggage from it, but, at least in my case, reminding my boyfriend of anything break-up related is guaranteed to start a fight. They don't like being reminded that they hurt us, especially now that they feel like they're being "good" and fixing it. I've had to learn to focus just on the "right now" aspects of the relationship--how is he treating me right now? And that has become easier as time has gone by. A month is not really very long at all, I don't think you can reasonably expect yourself not to still be feeling anxious about things!

 

And you know, as far as worrying about him leaving you goes, it doesn't matter that he hasn't done anything in the last month to make you think he will. You still have the memory of being left by him, and that is going to be an *extremely* powerful memory for a long time. It's normal to have worries connected to it. Don't expect yourself to be superhuman!

 

You do have to find ways of not letting the worry consume you, though--have you tried a journal? I sometimes let myself worry for 20 minutes or so while I write down everything I'm scared about, then I close the journal and force myself to put the worries away for a while along with the journal. It may sound cheesy, but it works! And then I haven't stressed out my boyfriend or given my friends and family fodder for later conversations about why my relationship won't work out...I do call them to vent about other stuff, though, especially work/school problems that aren't easily fixable--it sounds like your bf is like mine and very solution-oriented. My bf doesn't always see the point of just venting, so it's good to have other people I can call to talk to as well when I'm not looking for a plan of action, just someone to listen for a while...

[Sparkie]

I used to be a champion worrier, so I understand totally what you are saying. Basically, for me it came from needing to know how things were going to turn out in the future, so i could relax now. So I conjured up every possible scenario, and looked for 'evidence' for each one. I'd micro manage my life to the point of grinding to a standstill.

 

Write out a solution to legitimate worries. If you have an assignment due in one week, write out a timetable for when you will do it. And then don't think about it again til it is time to do it.

 

For bu11sh!t worries, repeatedly tell yourself that you can deal with ANY outcome WHEN it happens. You don't need to worry about what MIGHT happen.

 

If today you have a good day, thats it. Thats life. Repeat. And in three months you will have had three good months. Or you can worry today where you will be in three months (less happy, stressed, and worrying about the next three months!)

 

If he leaves you, he leaves you. But why become a person he might want to leave. If you fear he will, are you subconsciously driving him to that point, so you become 'right'? So you can say 'see, I always knew he might leave, so I was right to worry'. what if he left because of the worrying? Not much point in worrying then!

 

It's well worth the effort to get on top of this. My life is just so much easier now. So much free time in my head, to enjoy the things i do now.