mca1975 Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 Hi all I have been wrangling with myself for a while now over this, but I have a very close male friend. I am not always attracted to him, but I am sometimes. He is the one guy I can count on, he loves me and cares for me, but we are not together. He wants us to be together, but I always say no. Im sure a part of this reason is because I am not so very attracted to him as I would like to be, but also because I have not been in a relationship for so long and have become very accustomed to being on my own. I have a great social life and friends, my friends adore him. We get on so well and I have never had such faith in a guy in all my life. I daydream about us being together sometimes, and at times, we get very close (emotionally) but not in an affectionate way. But when I feel he is too close, I get panicked and back off. This has been going on for some time now but he always remains constant and supports me in everything I do. He is a really nice guy and I normally go for the bad guys. Help, any advice would be a great help and/or similar stories... Link to comment
Perfection Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 just a thought from the other side...he might not wait forever..i gave up on someone similar..he may feel like you are stringing him along, and decide to give up on you. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 what are you really panicking about? - try to work that out first; then you'll know if you want to be in a relationship with him or not. He has shown you a lot of respect and given you time. So it's up to you now to step up to the plate and work your issues out, before he gives up Link to comment
mca1975 Posted November 13, 2008 Author Share Posted November 13, 2008 Perfection, when you gave up on someone similar, do you mean that you liked someone and wanted to be with them or the other way around? Penelope 13, I am very confused and I think I am panicking about a few things, the fact I dont always fancy him and changing my mind and hurting him, a fear of rejection and being close, and also a fear of having someone elses feelings to worry about. Link to comment
D_Lish Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 Sounds like you just are not 'into him' in that way......and you cannot force an attraction. Sorry, no story. Never been in that situation....I either like someone/or I don't. Link to comment
D_Lish Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 Lol, just realised it was you, hi btw Link to comment
Perfection Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 yes i fell for a friend of mine...she forced it out from me one time that i had feelings for her. she did certain things that made me believe that maybe she liked me a bit too. but then she would do a complete 180 and forget i do exist somewhere. i had a feeling she is just keeping me around till she finds someone else. and it was confirmed by 100% of the population here. so i have stopped talking to her. life goes on. Link to comment
mca1975 Posted November 13, 2008 Author Share Posted November 13, 2008 I just know that I love him dearly but dont always fancy him I'm afraid, and that is such a shame. Its so dangerous sometimes, as when I have been drinking I have been so tempted to 2 cuddle up" but I have never let that happen because I dont want to back off in the morning and change my mind, as that would hurt his feelings. Link to comment
mca1975 Posted November 13, 2008 Author Share Posted November 13, 2008 Yes, hi D-Lish, I just thought "this girl DOES know me" ha ha x Link to comment
mca1975 Posted November 13, 2008 Author Share Posted November 13, 2008 Perfection, a few times he and I have come to a decision to distance ourselves because of this as he could not handle being just friends. I missed him. It was heading that way again recently, but he has managed to stay friends. I am selfish in a way as I really want us to remain friends, but realise that one day he may just not want to know me at all. Link to comment
Perfection Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 he has managed to stay friends. it is REALLY difficult. especially if he sees you getting a bit comfortable with someone else. not seeing, just hearing about you and someone else is painful. i found out she went out on a few dates with some guy (and i'm quite sure she is trying to sort it out with him, aka hook him) and when i found that out from SOMEONE else, i was completely broken. extended hours at the gym and the boxing cage those days required. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 did you openly tell him about your confusion? - Maybe you should take some time for yourself, where you have the opportunity to experience how life would be without him and how you would feel about it. Since he seems sincere about you, why wouldn't he agree to that. - You can't continue as you are at the moment. I know it seems scary to have to face the music, but whatever you decide, that he is not the one for you or that he may be, the sooner you work that out the better for the both of you. Feelings of panic cannot be worked out with the 'stressor' around. So you really need to step away from him for some time. You have to be really honest to yourself. How come you fancy him sometimes and sometimes not? - when you fancy him, is that in situations where you just miss the companionship of a relationship (regardless of with who), or is it really him that you fancy. In that case, what DO you fancy about him? - when you Don't fancy him, what is it that is missing for you? is it something that is essential for you in a relationship (regardless of with whom), or is it something that might not actually be a deal breaker (i mean, nobody is perfect and can give you everything that you want, but some things are more important than others and you have to figure out what are the true deal breakers for you) Since you are aware that you are going back on forth on this - truly, ask him for time and space to work through this. If you don't you risk losing something that you might not want to lose, such as his respect as well as respect for yourself The fear of rejection should be the easiest to overcome. This guy has already shown you that he is sincere about you. Don't make the same mistake as many other people, who test/ dare the other person to constantly to prove to them that they will not leave - until of course they DO leave. This reversed psychology is the worst of its kind. You also seem to have some commitment phobia going on, which is also not unusual. You could either try to work this out by yourself, with friends, with a professional, or you could wait till you are sure that he is the one you want to be with and be honest about this, so that you can work this out together. You seem to know that a potential relationship with this guy will not be casual, but could get very serious. So it is natural to be scared of making this step. But think of all the wonderful things ahead of you, if you do decide he is the one. Yes, you are taking on some kind of responsibility for the feelings of another person - but so does he. You are not alone in this! Link to comment
mca1975 Posted November 13, 2008 Author Share Posted November 13, 2008 Yes it is difficult. In reality, I should really be the one to step back and let him get on with it, but he means a lot to me. I am always as honest as I can be with him and he is so accepting of it in such a nice way, bless him, he is so lovely. Sometimes, he is in two minds whether to come out with me and my friends as he is worried that I may "get" with someone and this will be horrible for him, not that I would ever do that to him. Dont like this situation at all. Link to comment
Perfection Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 Don't make the same mistake as many other people, who test/ dare the other person to constantly to prove to them that they will not leave - until of course they DO leave. This reversed psychology is the worst of its kind. brilliantly said. Link to comment
mca1975 Posted November 13, 2008 Author Share Posted November 13, 2008 Penelope13, thanks so much for that reply, some good questions there and food for thought. I definitely DO know that this would never be a casual thing and it would become serious. This is what is scaring me a little as I have only been able to handle casual for a long time now. My last serious boyfriend died tragically five years ago. I will definitely be thinking about your questions. I dont know if I'm shallow but a strong sexual attraction has always been important to me, but like I said, I have never trusted a guy so much in my life and/or felt that it [could be] something very secure. Maybe some time away will help.... Link to comment
D_Lish Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 Don't make the same mistake as many other people, who test/ dare the other person to constantly to prove to them that they will not leave - until of course they DO leave. This reversed psychology is the worst of its kind. Well said and very true. They DO leave eventually.... MCA do you find him attractive? If so, then go for it Link to comment
mca1975 Posted November 13, 2008 Author Share Posted November 13, 2008 oh and I must add that I am the perfect example of someone who "tests" and needs constant approval of their loyalty etc. I have been like this in EVERY relationship I've ever had, but I know that I would not need to be with him. Its wrong, but I have never been able to help it, as I am naturally a bit needy, but also a bit cold on the other hand at times. I think Im the most confusing person in the world! lol Link to comment
mca1975 Posted November 13, 2008 Author Share Posted November 13, 2008 D'Lish, sometimes I do and sometimes I dont! I am more attracted to the personality more than anything. Link to comment
D_Lish Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 I will definitely be thinking about your questions. I dont know if I'm shallow but a strong sexual attraction has always been important to me Hon, I didn't have a strong sexual attraction to my ex H when I first met him. Yet I still gave him a chance, he really grew on me... and I ended up marrying the bozo!! LOL Link to comment
mca1975 Posted November 13, 2008 Author Share Posted November 13, 2008 Well D'Lish, like my mum said also, sometimes attraction can grow to immense proportions. Maybe it is the thought of the serious relationship that is scaring me. This is what HE says about it all. He seems determined to give me however long I need. My friends say that I should just see what happens and only act on something if I am feeling totally sure. Ha ha, Bozo! He is the greatest compared to the other Bozos I have been with, but yet not the most attractive. How shallow am I! Link to comment
penelope13 Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 oh and I must add that I am the perfect example of someone who "tests" and needs constant approval of their loyalty etc. I have been like this in EVERY relationship I've ever had, but I know that I would not need to be with him. Its wrong, but I have never been able to help it, as I am naturally a bit needy, but also a bit cold on the other hand at times. I think Im the most confusing person in the world! lol "I have never been able to help it" - (i don't mean to offend): but i think this is one of the biggest lies people tell themselves for continuing a behavioral pattern that they know they shouldn't. It just means: (again don't take this personal, but I am trying to challenge you to think about this in a serious way) - I am too lazy to change this behavior - I am hooked up on the instant gratification that I get from this behavior, and I don't want to look at the long-term benefits of changing it, because that would cost me some energy and self-reflection - I am too much of a coward to tell the person directly that I want them to leave, so I use a behavior that will necessarily drive them away - but I don't have to take responsibility for it, because it is their own choice [bUT IT IS YOUR OWN DOING!] - The fear of losing the person in question was never big enough to jolt you into changing your behavior - you are feeding your own insecurities: this person must really love me, because they are putting up with this [THIS WILL ONLY WORK FOR SO LONG, NO SANE/MATURE PERSON WILL PUT UP WITH THIS FOR EVER] Now that you know that you are engaging in this type of behavior, don't you think it's about time to change that? Not for this guy, but for every relationship that you will ever have - including the relationship with yourself. And DON'T WORRY - we ALL have contradictory tendencies in us, that's what's makes us so fascinating ;-) Link to comment
mca1975 Posted November 13, 2008 Author Share Posted November 13, 2008 Penelope13, I understand what you are saying but I have performed this behaviour in the past because I need to feel secure at all times. You have no idea how much I have tried to change. I have had umpteen counselling sessions, hypnotherapy and I tend to stay away from relationships because I know I do this, and yes, it does drive them away, which is the opposite to what I want! I know what I do and why I do it, but it is so hard to push down the overwhelming emotions that make you act that way. I am very honest with myself about this. With a past boyfriend, I used to cry if he even went out the door which is SO SO WRONG. God knows what it was doing to him, but I couldnt understand at the time why I was doing it. I am very needy in relationships and I dont like being that way, its not fair to the other person. Last year I was in relationship where HE was very needy and it made me ill, it is a horrible pressure on a person and I dont think I will ever do that to someone again. Maybe I have learnt how to not be like that, through having it done to me. Time will tell.. It used to be physical pain to try and stop it happening, I dont take offence at what you are saying at all, but it certainly is no lie. Link to comment
i_win Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 WHen you breakup you lose not only your best friend, but your lover too. It hits twice as hard. If I could go back in time I would have rather kept the friendship. Link to comment
mca1975 Posted November 13, 2008 Author Share Posted November 13, 2008 Yeh horrible thought. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 MCA, I really feel your you! I can see that you had to struggle with a lot of difficult things. I wish there was something that I could say to make you feel more secure. The only thing that I can think of is: take really good care of yourself first. Slowly learn to trust yourself and rebuild your confidence, so that you feel secure just because of the person that you are. Be kind to yourself and also forgive yourself if this healing process seems to be taking up a lot of time and if you may have hurt some people in the process. Nobody, not even the most perfect guy in the world will be able to make you feel secure all the time, only you can do that. And even then it is ok to have doubts and fears, as long as you are learning and trusting yourself that you will be able to get yourself out of the doubts and fears. Hugs to you Link to comment
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