Recent widower feel in love, please help

[Brneyegirll]

This is kinda a long story. First off, My husband died 5 months ago. We have lived in our house for 11 yrs and we were married for 12. Im 36, he was 40 when he died. Before he died, a neighbor of ours accross the street(which we have known somewhat) was trying to get me a job where he worked. So i was communicating with him about this. Well, my husband ended up passing away un-exspectly. A month after this, i went out one night as friends with this neighbor (he is 44 yrs old) and this continued and now i am deeply in love with him. He lives with his parents but does own a home which he just goes over and takes care of. He has never been married or had any children. During this 4 months we have been seeing each other, he has told me he loves me and wants to marry me(told me one time) in the future(told me no longer than 2 yrs). There has been times he didnt call me for 2-3 days at a time for no reason at all. I feel he is scared of any kinda committment. This whole time he has hardly ever told me a time we would be together come night time. Everything has been on his time and what he wants. He has a problem making a committment to times of anything. His mom and dad knew me and my husband and they are very old fashion and he didnt want them to know we were seeing each other. He cant spend the night out because he says his mom gets mad if he stays out to late and/or was to stay out all night. But now he said he did tell them we are friends and he will walk over maybe 2x a week. Alot of this has been hiding though. At first we had to meet at a store and leave one car and then come back to my house so they wouldnt know he was over here. I do feel he lies to me. We dont get to be together much. At times when i try to talk to him, he doesnt say a word. And trys to leave so we dont talk. I have asked hime to move over his house so we can be together more and go to the next level and he wouldnt then have to answer to his parents or lie to them. But he comes up with all kinds of excuses. Last night he told me he wanted to basically break up so i can be happy because he cant give me what i want or need. And that he's tired of seeing me in pain. But that he loves me with all his heart. He said once he gets his life together, we can get back together. I feel like im on a emotional roller coaster ride. He said that im a good person and havent done nothing wrong. Which i have treated him like gold. I do love him so much but i feel he just keeps hurting me and pulling forward and back. what is going on with this guy? At times he is very distant/withdrawn with me. I never dreamed i would fall in love with someone this fast and hard. He has not been supportive what so ever throughout this whole time. I have to turn to other people for support. I am going threw so many other problems right now and this is killing me but i love him so. His family doesnt know he loves me or i love him. This also hurts me bad. Is it to soon for them to know? If he truly loved me, would he tell everyone? My heart is breaking! why is he hurting me and will he ever commit?

[Beec]

It sounds to me like he has some inner conflict, although I wouldn't be able to tell you exactly what it is. He could be too embarrassed of exposing the idea that he might have or want a sex life to his mother (or father or both). Can you say repressed? This would set up a conflict of wating to love you, doing all the things a "boyfriend", and eventually a fiance or husband would do against his trying to hdie his sex life from his parents. What did you do when you first started having sex or even jsut began to get on the road to sex with necking? You probably tried to hide it from your parents, you did not want you fahter to know that you let some guy kiss you and fell you like that, did you?

 

The other alternative might be that he is embarrassed by you, for whatever reason. You are not attractive enough, smart enough, calssy enough, etc., whatever is in his head that he thinks you are just not good enough to meet the approval of his family and/or friends.

 

Those are always the two best signs that a guy actually likes you: you meet his friends and you meet hsi family. Until then, what signs has he shown that he is erious about their being a relationship. With friends, it can mean differnet things, sometimes he is just showing off the latest "piece" he managed to have sex with. Other times, he is demonstrating that he has accepted her no matter what the friends think. The family is almost always either to show a "girl you would bring home to Mom" or to do the opposite of that and show up with something the family will not approve of and show them how little he cares about the family's opinions. He won't show you off as a "girl you would bring home to Mom", so either its you or he is not capable of doing that right now. Him trying to end it makes me think he is telling you that he will continue this way and wants you to accept that you will be hidden, that he cannot present you to his family and will not do so.

 

OK, that's my amateur psychology, unsupported by any professional experience, but a bunch of life experience.

[Brneyegirll]

When we went out the first time, he took me to the bar he hung out at since he was 21. And i know pretty much all his friends. I think he is not telling his family yet because i knew them for yrs and they are very judgemental about dating to soon after a death. Besides they also knew my deceased husband well. We have lived accross the street from him and his parents for 11 yrs. He says he wants to break it to them slowly and respectfully. As far as the sex thing..i do think he has some issues about sex. But i know thats not what hes after because that only happens 2x a week. On friday night we had sex and saturday was his b-day and that night i tryed to initiate it and he said he just wanted to hold me and it was right after all that he broke up with me. He has now called me acting like thats not what he wanted..that he just said it because he thinks thats what i want and he dont want to see me unhappy anymore. So now he doesnt want to break it off. Im confused here. He says things will be where they need to be in time. Its gonna take time. I have wanted him to be able to spend the night with me..all night and wake up together but he cant ever do that because of his parents, or his mom shall i say. She is the dominating one in the house. He has stopped going to the bar because he knows i dont want that kinda life, which he told me he didnt either. He says he only did it cause he didnt have anyone. Am i asking to much to want to spend the night with him or spend more time with him? I feel very sad when we have sex and he has to go home. He seems to be very loving towards me and affectioniate when he wants sex and when he doesnt, he gets very withdrawn and even seems depressed at times. He will not open up to me. I dont understand him at all. Ive noticed if i start rejecting him..then he wants to worry about the relationship.

[Beec]

Five months since your husband's death is a bit fast. ONe of my grandparents remarried six months after their spouse's death and it caused a lot of rifts in our family, as not all of the children (my father and his siblings) were willing to accept the new spouse.

 

I think your guy is hiding the relationship and you are feeling shunned by this. I had one woman I dated have issues when I did not hold her hand at a family function and introduced her as "my friend". Everyone knew she was a girlfriend, but I didn't say it or show it while there. She felt like I was trying to hide something. It seems like you feel that way too, and you want out of the closet, with the relationship. No one wants to feel like their man or woman is ashamed of them, and it seems that this is how he is making you feel.

 

When and if he breaks the news to his family so you can have a full relationship seems to be the largest issue. How long are you willing to endure as it is?? How long do you think you should wait?? What do you do to make him bring it out of the closet, when you don't want to wait any longer?

 

If you want to continue the relationship and have him bring it out, I don't think you will find a short-term (like in two weeks) solution. You need to continue to work on him. How do you work on him? Make him feel emotionally fulfilled by being with and around you; Make yourself seem aloof and independent from him, i.e. you are not needy or needing his attention (even if you do); then when you have him fulfilled threaten to have his fifillment taken away, so he won't be able to have you (you want what you cannot have); then he should decide to bring it out of the closet.

 

As to his sex drive, that may be less than you desire, but you should be able to work it out. Twice a week is probably a lot mroe and a lot better than he got before he started with you, so he may be in it in part for sex. Also, his guilt at keeping it in the closet may override his desire. It's tough to try to figure this out. If you want more, you will have to figure out how to turn him on and seduce him when you want it and he doesn't, or better than that, just turn him on when you want it.

 

When I recently was in the I want it tonight mode, I walked into my gf's and grabbed her and kissed her, hard. Then I kept making passes at her all night, so be the end of the night she was turned on. Don't try to turn him on and get it in a half hour, work on him for a long time. However, the first problem may to be resolved before you get this chance.

[bridey]

From what you have said you sound pretty unsatisfied with this relationship. You say you love him. Can you come up with 5 reasons why? It could be that you love having someone because you don't want to feel alone after your loss. How are you coping with the loss of your husband? Have you gone to any bereavment groups or sought counseling? I think you need to work through your grief before you can commit to someone else. Not to say that you can't love this person, maybe you do, but you do sound unhappy and I wonder if you would stay with someone like this if your circumstances were different. Just something to think about.

[Brneyegirll]

I think your probably right. Im still not dealing with my lose of my husband well at all. I go threw crying spells everyday. He ment the world to me and NO ONE can ever take his place in my heart. I have felt that im with this guy due to the loneliness. But i do think i love him now. Why..i have no clue, because he is no where near the man my husband was. This really bothers me about myself. I have treated this guy like gold and not got the same in return and probably never will. I do not see myself with him in the future. He is to self absorbed and selfish.

[bridey]

I think you are starting to answer your own questions here. I would definatly look into some counseling or bereavment groups and don't rush into a relationship. This man won't make your pain go away, just mask it by giving you something else to be pre occupied with and when he is gone, your pain from your husband will still be there. Work through it now, so in a the future you will be better, not still grieving. It takes time and that is ok and it is ok to be alone to and feel loss. It hurts but you have to go through it in order to feel better.