struggling with a prolonged year and a half break up

[pete2002]

Hi,

 

I really really need help getting my life back into order, and I hope that someone can relate to my long drawn out story, becuase apparently all these feelings we all have that make us feel so alone seem so universal.

 

I dated a beautiful girl for 3.5 years. We met in college, and spent most of college together. She is a wonderful person, but at some point last year things started to feel weird. I started to realize that having been wtih her for that long, i didn't have that feeling that i coudl spend the rest of my life wtih her.. somethign wasnt there even though i loved her more than anyone in the world, and even though she was like family to me. So we decided to take a break and to reevaluate.

 

I'm a medical student, and last year she was taking a year off and living in our old college town. She was alone, living by herself, and didnt have many friends out there. So while I was trying to move on, and I kinda met a girl i sorta thought i liked, i couldnt let myself go to that new person because i still loved my ex. I couldnt stand to hurt her, and i didnt want to start a new relationship when my ex was so alone and depressed, because i didnt want to make her feel worse. So i kept telling the new person to hold on and wait, because i could not put upon my ex the troubles of dealing wtih me with someone else.

 

my ex and i continued to talk almost on a daily basis last year after i broke up with her. Almost for nine months. It was just like we were dating and in love, but no hooking up. sometimes i got frustrated because she seemed to miss me a lot and i didnt really miss her as much, and i knew she was trying to get back together with me. but there was still a lot of feeling there... when i was studying for my board exams, and she was in europe, she called me once every day or two, and it was the highlight of my day... i got so happy to hear from her... and i know when she came back this year to start school she still wanted to be with me, but then....

 

So then this year she came to law school in the same area i am at med school, like a block away. We continued to talk, but as soon as she came to school things changed. I realized she didnt need me, and she went from wanting to talk to me all the time to just not caring as much anymore. Didnt come out for my brithday. Things like that. Then one day i found out through sneaky weird detective work taht she was into someone else, some guy who was sort of a bad person, who hooked up with her and another gilr the same day... pretty awful guy, kind of an arrogant player type, very different from me cause i am the typical nice guy.

 

So immediately i dont konw what it was within me but i wanted her back. I remembered how beatiful she is, how smart she is, how she put me on this pedestal and made me feel so special. And the last five months has been a rollercoaster. I go a few days without calling her and its excruciating, then she calls me because she misses me so much, but then when we talk i realize she doesnt want to date... she says shes confused, that she knows im perfect, that she isn't with anyone else, but i know that she has hooked up wtih this other guy a lot and is into him even though he treats her bad and hooks up wtih other girls.. she tells me he is sketchy, that he disgusts her, her friends say he sucks, but its undeniable that she still wants him. And then im doing everything i can to have special evenings planned where we do things together, and we have fun, and i do all the little things to make her happy, but in the end she says she loves me but doesnt want to be wtih me. she says she doesnt want to cut all contact, tht she doesnt want to lose me as her best friend, but that she isnt sure. and all the while, the past five months, i've acted crazy so many times.. just not myself.. i've always been told i was born undre a lucky star, i hvae so many things going for me, great friends, family, a 22 yera odl in med school, but i just cant get this out of my head.

 

whenever ive moved on she's called me and tried to have me enter her life again, but i think i've screwed things up so badly now that she wont even miss me because she prolly remembers crazy me over the last four months more than totally stable me over the first 3.5 years. im just so down and upset and i dont know how to rectify things and move on.. my friends i think are frustrated with me and the situation... and its starting to affect my school a lot too.... its taking over

 

and then thers this other girl that i liked all last year but didnt act upon because of my ex, and she's still around, and for some reaosn woudl still be with me despite all the things that have gone down.. and this girl is wonderful too, just as out of my league as my ex, but i dont know what to do.. because time is slipping for me to act on that situation as well.

 

i called my ex again yesterday after a week apart and we had ahorrible conversation, our worst ever, and i think she pretty much doesnt want to have anythign to do wtih me anymore. i asked her if she's hooking up with someone else or has hooked up, and she made it obvious that she has, but says its none of my business... is that true? part of me thinks it is, if im going to decide how much to move on or not.

 

my quesiton is how to deal wtih jealousy and regret at the same time.. becuase i messed up, i brought this on myself, i messed up a wonderful thing with a beautiful person who i am intensely in love wtih, and she is with someone else and hooking up with other people and enjoying her life as a single person, which i didnt do last year because i was thinking about her. and also do i move on and try to be with that new person who is so great and coudl possibly be as big a part of my life as my ex eventually, if we just had that shared history. so needless to say im confused. i miss her and wish there was a quick fix

 

for those of you who actually read all this, thanks for any advice.

[neallo82288]

You said that she doesn't want to lose you as her best friend, but you cannot be her best friend because of these feelings for her. You must separate yourself from the situation and evaluate it. Can you deal with her and her breakup and all the other friend stuff and be totally without opinion? Can you deal with her and her having boyfriends? If you answer no to these questions, then you must tell her that you value her and her friendship, but you cannot, at this time be her friend because you need time to heal and move on with your life. Those two questions are the main reasons most relationships end as nothing and some end as friendships.

 

In regards to this other girl. You have told her everything and she has waited. That is comendable. I say take her out on casual dates and let her know where you stand. Tell her that you are very interested in getting to know her bettter, but right now is not the time for a serious relationship. Let her make the decision on whether she wants to wait anymore or not. Do not go into a serious relationship until you have moved on. We have enough posts in here and you do not want her to be next.

[bdub]

Sometimes I think about past relationships like this.

 

When we are with somebody special, we grow together. You are intertwined with them and they with you. They are a part of you, a big part and you a big part of them. When we break up, that part of us goes away. You literally feel gutted, like you are just a shell of who you used to be. It makes sense because in a way, you have lost a part of yourself in that other person.

 

But here is the thing. We never stop growing. That part of you that is gone with that other person will always be the same as it was, it is fixed. As you grow, that part will become less and less a part of you. You will grow so much more and it will become less and less significant as you grow. But in order for all of this to happen, you have to allow yourself to grow. Right now, you are not letting yourself. This other girl really sounds like a winner. You sound like a winner yourself. If she is willing to stand by you when you are hurting and be a friend, even when there might not be any kind of relationship in the future, then she is worth spending some time with. I wouldn't rush it, take it slow and let her know where you stand. But forgive yourself for the past. Try not to frown because its over, instead smile because it happened.

 

Best Wishes,

bdub

[pete2002]

Thank you ot everyon for their advice, it really means a lot to me, but its so hard for me to take the advice for two reasons....

 

first of all, i am having trouble dealing with regret.. i broke up with her, i waited a year when she was trying to be wtih me, and i just kept saying no and no and no, and now i want her back so badly that i cant help but thinking i might have messed everything up, and screwed up the plan of my life because i could have spent it with her..

 

and the second thing i cant deal with is the jealousy of knowing that she is going out and hanging out with other guys and hooking up wtih other guys and all that... it makes me feel kind of sick to my stomach... and so when i dont talk to her, i often end up calling afte ra while because i want to check up on her and see if she is dating somene else, and the only way i can find out is by calilng...

 

pleae give me some advice, and thanks in advance.

[noelle81]

i know what your going through. i broke up for the last time with my ex about a year and a half ago. but he kept calling and though i said i didnt want to speak to him, i did. i called him late at night when i couldn't resist. time went by when i confessed we should be together even though i felt like i couldn't live with the original problem of why we separated. next he would confess months later we should be together, that i didnt realize it yet, but we were eventually meant for each other. all this caused me to keep that wound open. and now im sitting here, with no contact to him, because thats the only way for me to heal and let him go, finally realizing how sad i am to have loved so much and so hard, only to not have it given back. im just now, a year and a half after the breakup to see that i deserved so much more considering i gave my everything to him. i cry now, sure b/c only now am i dealing with the pain. i pushed it off with confusing emotions because we kept talking. the pain of loving someone so much and not letting go is so much greater than just letting go. its easier to write than to do, considering im still trying to heal... and no friends really understand how i've ignored moving on completely. sometimes it feels like no amount of time will ever heal me, but i know that these words were said by everyone who was in love and lost. it sometimes feels like the wounds are soo deep and the pain is worse than being stabbed. but i know im not the only to feel this way. and its impossible once i loved that strongly to never love again. i mean i still love my puppies, my family and my friends. i have to be able to love again because thats who i am... extremely giving and loving. my point is it takes a long time, longer if you push it off and keep going back and remembering the good things.. it also seems like your only remembering the great things about her.. and not the reasons you guys broke up. let yourself feel pain, let yourself feel deprivation and resist contact. after a while it wont be so hard to do this stuff and it wont be hard to remember to live and breathe without contact. and only then will you truly love again, someone else.