why hurt someone you ONCE loved?

[neva_black_n_white]

hey everyone,

for once im askin for advice instead of a general question lol.

 

i wanted to understand what makes people do what they do, i have always had this belief that if you loved someone with your heart, this was displayed and your partner showed the same to you,then even after its over you should have respect for them, i mean you didnt want to hurt them during it and why should you now

(this rules out any abusive relationships obviously)

 

but then why after it has ended do they persist to hurt you? i mean i was in a relationship around 6 months ago which had lasted over a period of five months, there were some high emotions, and he had made accusations in which were wrong and he knew it, he doubted me at the wrong time. i mean we tried to recover what was there, but he didnt have any trust.

 

it ended, and as her saw it, he knew then how he truly loved me, it was a prolonged ending due to interactions, so we both felt hurt, but he persisted to say he loved me, he trusted me, knew his judgements were wrong as a test he accused. everything like this. and yes he was hard to get over, but wouldnt he doubt me again.

 

anyway 6 months on, yes i am in a new relationship, and this man does treasure what i have, its completely different as what every relationship should be seen as, but my ex persists to be in the picture.

 

my ex remained a great friend of mine, and for the first few months was exactly that, but it seems eah person i come close to, any man or boy i become friendly with he watches over, tells me he loves me again, why is he stopping me? he knows it couldnt be the way it was, but it hurts. i tell him i care for him, and i do, but why does he make it seem more than that?

 

being that he is a friend this creates problems for my current boyfriend (he is very conscious and worries very much, theres been things that me and him have gone through and he worries that hell loose me)

 

so should this friendship remain? what is my ex thinking? i just want to understand what i should do.

why do people hurt you when they once loved you, why do they try to ruin the good you have?

 

i just guess its because this is there emotions, and i see it as not hurting someone, so my feelings would be put aside and id shut up.

 

so i guess the big question is why?

 

 

 

 

thanks if you read this far, its been a problem ive tried to understand on my own for a while, id be greatful of imput since recently ive been hesitant to speak of personal issues.

thanks again.

kel

[creid]

I feel in my heart that Ex's can't be friends. Not until both of you are truly over each other. Now if you guys aren't dating anybody of course you can be friends. But when you get into another relationship it is hard to remain good friends cause you are actually moving and are happy and they are not. Maybe you guys shouldn't keep in close contact and pray that everything will work out in due time. It will help him heal more with out having to see you happy and he is not. Good Luck!

[neva_black_n_white]

thanks creid, so i guess im the also whos hurting someone who once loved them, i just know it will hurt him with me not talking to him or lowering the contact level.

i'll try though and i can deffinitley see where your coming from, i know he hurts but also he loves my company. i guess these dilemmas are a little confusing, right?

 

thanks though.

kel

[creid]

And also it's not fair to your new man in your life that you have to split up your time between them. You have to close the door with your ex so both of you guys are able to move on. In the end it will make things alot easier on both of you guys.

[neva_black_n_white]

thanks creid that makes a lot of sense to me. seems weird really how far you have to think ahead sometimes to ensure that everything turns out ok. i will shut the door to my past, i mean its not exactly going to help matters is it?

 

thankyou

kel

[creid]

Yeah it's gonna be rough waters for a bit, but it's better to do it now cut him loose and make him let you go. In fact I'm going through this right now my ex broke up with me and he wants to keep that door open. I love to be around him he makes me laugh, but I won't get over him until there isn't a door anymore. Sadly though all my friends are his friends. I can't get away from him. In fact I just posted a topic if you wanna look at it giving some advice on this if you have any would be awesome.

[neva_black_n_white]

sure ill take a look at it and see what i can offer. whats the topic called?

 

ive just realised how similar our situations are, the man im dating now is a friend of my ex (that wasnt anything to do with the break up, it came a long time after and my ex kind of trusts the man im with now wont hurt me so im always judged like that)

 

there not so much in the same social group but they interact alot due to church.

the thing is my current boyfriend is very insecure and couldnt hurt a fly, so my ex had a massive argument resulting in me becoming very down, so he turned to my current boyfriend to ask how he could patch it up. my boyfriend being who he is helped completely, i mean hes so insecure and doesnt want him around me (nor do i to be truthful-although i love his company) and well theres no means of walking away when no one is prepared to hate or maintain a long distance.

 

you see closing the door and locking it is one thing but then theres him finding my spare key copying it and re entering. do you get me?

 

i think to be truthful nobody can hurt anybody so this is going to be a struggle.

 

kel

[creid]

Yeah I'm kinda of just in a loop about all this. I want to be his friend, but I could never see him date one of my friends I just couldn't. He told me he wouldn't date our friend cause he doesn't like her that much and he also values my friendship over hers. But he's the type of guy who usually gets a girl in the end kind of thing he's a good guy just immature and doesn't know what he wants in life. He's trying to be single cause he's never been since like 8th grade (he always had gf). I'm trying to move on, but there's no one else at the moment, he's never had a problem finding someone, I seem to all the time. Anywho I know it will work itself out in due time I just wish it was soon.

[neva_black_n_white]

i know the feeling.

 

out of curiosity, if you still favour him as a great friend and well love his company and dont want anyone else, why is it that he isnt an option.

in ways like you said about dating a friend i wish that hasnt arisen but then again i wouldnt be who i was with now, do you ever feel watched over and suffocated? i mean like the post says why hurt someone you once loved, by why do they hurt us by clinging on?

 

it seems like youve got a difficult situation, does he still want to be with you then? but is playing the role as single just to see what happens, having the pick of girls is one thing, and then choosing you and opting to be single afterwards is a statement. did it end on bad terms?

 

kel

[creid]

I mean we had some fights and miscommunications as normal couples had. It wasn't anything we truly couldn't fixed he even admitted he was a bad boyfriend. I think he just got tired of being in a relationship. He says he's not over me, but he doesn't talk about reconciling anytime soon. I'm keeping my options available, but there are none that are around me at the moment. I'm very independent from him I don't have to be around him we just end up all the time being around each other.

[neva_black_n_white]

it seems a shame that he had to admit such a thing, was it true (being a bad boyfriend) i mean its hard to realise and then admit.

 

i get what you mean about the friends, they just seem to be there, like going to the same events etc and not knowing.

 

do you miss him? kel

[creid]

Yeah I miss him he was like my best friend while we dated. I know our relationship would have rock if he had put more effort in it. I mean he never wanted to take me out on a date he just wanted to hang. He never did sweet things. It was like I had the title of girlfriend, but I was more a friends with benefits you know, didn't have to put the effort in but had me around. I don't know he's just a punk.

[neva_black_n_white]

have you ever thought about actually talking to him about the way you felt on how he treats you or well how he treat you before, maybe he didnt realise this and didnt acknowledge exactly what the problem was, i mean what if he saw some of the things he did he saw as special unlike you, maybe its that he didnt see how he affected yoiu. he obviously had some attatchments to you so i'd get out the way you feel.

 

still it could be that you were just meant to be that friends with benefits, the only problem is, is that one sometimes gets more attatched and wellboth of you have to want it. if you felt used then explain it, i think sometimes its better to do things in person as well as venting (thats if you want to, im just commenting) *smiles*

 

kel

[creid]

No I agree with most of what you said. I really don't feel used...(I didn't mean that to come accross) I just felt that he didn't want to put the effort in. I've talked to him about it and we both agreed that there could have been things we could have fixed easily to make our relationship run smoother but neither one of us did. Anyways I'm getting better with it. I still don't want to be friends, but I'll get over it. Maybe we were meant to be friends and I'll come to realize it in due time.

[neva_black_n_white]

thats fair enough, as long as you spoke about it you wont feel like you missed out on something, right? like theres nothing to regret. well good luck in options you take etc, and thanks for helping me out.

 

kel