Part of me really wants to move on...

[kevin456]

Hello all. I found these forums after my break up. After about a month of reading, I'm deciding to post. I've seen some great advice from many of you, and that's pretty much what I'm looking for.

 

Here is some background: I met Lauren (not her real name) through school last year. I had known her before then, but she was two years younger than me and I never really had any desire to talk to her. Last summer, I developed a pretty strong crush on her...I thought about her a lot and imagined what it would be like if I ever got to be with her. One day I mustered up the courage to talk to her, and we really hit it off. About a month after I made this initial contact, we were dating.

 

Everything was going really well. We were in love (she was my first love, I was her first love), and everything seemed right. Lauren was the perfect girl for me, and everything I could have asked for.

 

This summer, she went on a vacation oversees for a month. I was (selfishly) bitter about her going on this trip, as I envisioned that month as time we could have spent together. When she got back, things between us seemed different. I blame much of this on myself, as I don't think I treated her the way I should have. When we were together, there seemed like there was distance between us, and we failed to discuss it and address the problem. A few weeks after she got back from her trip, I left for college (it's in the same state as her town, about 2 hours apart).

 

Lauren called me about a month after I had started school: the dreaded break-up call. I was a wreck. Immediately after, I tried the whole "friends" thing, but after a week I realized that was not going to work, and I cut off contact. I stayed no contact for about a week, and then started talking to her again. I was visiting home that weekend and I wanted to see her, perhaps so she could see that I was in good spirits, and that I was the same charming man she fell in love with.

 

That plan failed miserably. She was busy that whole weekend, and I never got to spend time with her. When I realized I could not see her in person, I decided to tell her how I felt. I told her how sorry I was for treating her the way I did, and I proposed that we give it another go. After a week, she told me that she hadn't given it much thought, but at the present time was not interested. I told her I had no choice but to cut off contact so I could heal. We said our goodbyes and that was it.

 

I know it is in my best interest to move on, and I plan to do so. It's just very hard (as all of you know) because my feelings for her are still very strong. I love her, and she knows that. But I know I can't continue thinking about her all the time; I need to heal and move on.

 

I plan to continue no contact. In the meantime, I could really use all the support I can get. I'm trying to focus on my school work, but whatever I do, she always pops into my head.

 

Part of me is uncertain about moving on...but I know begging for her will only put me in a worse position and make me feel awful.

 

Thanks in advance for all the advice.

[Suttle]

First love is very hard to let go off.....just understand many people have gotten over it before you, so shall you.

 

I had a pretty hardtime with healing as well with my first love.

 

Just do whatever it takes to make yourself feel good...just as you work hard on your studies, take up something to improve your personality, do charity work....whatever that helps you build your self esteem.

 

It worked for many and will work for you as well.

 

Since the day of ma breakup and my good byes i have not contacted my ex...she had once mailed me, i didn't reply. Its been three years now.

 

It will get better!

 

Good luck!

[dogwood]

from the way you talk about things, it sounds like you're actually in quite good shape. (at least compared to me when i split with my first love - i seriously self destructed). the best thing to do to not think about her as much is to distract yourself and spend a lot of time with your friends/family/anyone supportive.

 

keep yourself busy with school, hobbies, friends, whatever floats your boat - and you won't find your mind drifting away to thoughts of her so much. now i'm not saying FULLY distract yourself - of course it's good to feel, and let the pain come out - but you don't want to drown yourself in misery obviously.

 

I definitely feel your pain, I split from my first love just a few months ago and the healing process is a toughieeee - but we are all v supportive on here too so best of luck! PM me anytime.

 

ps. i know you're uncertain about moving on - but you seem to know anyway that begging for her back is going to do nothing and will only worsen the situation. you need to realise it is over, but you will be okay.

[kevin456]

I value her as a friend, not just as a lover, and I'm afraid I'll lose that also if I don't keep contact.

 

When I'm ready to talk to her, I will. But at this point I know I can't, as much as I want to.

 

A little part of me still holds out hope that we will work it out someday. But I know that day is not today, and probably not in the near future. Is this hope naive? Or is it normal for someone in my position? Or perhaps both?

[dogwood]

ha, i feel completely the same way. although i wish i could say i value her as a friend and not a lover with as much confidence as you.

 

i hold out that hope somewhere in my head too - a lot of us probably do. maybe it is naive, maybe it's not - but as time goes on feelings evolve and you'll see where you stand and how you feel. you simply feel what you feel, and that's it.

[ponder36]

we feel what we feel but what we feel, wanting them to come back, is not healthy for us.

I need to not feel what I feel. I need to give up on that hope. I need to get out of this depressive state. I need to fall out of love and realize that she will never be in my life again. Leave it in Gods hands and pray for my peace of mind.