Just want to know what it's like.....

[willow]

I am a married woman, two lovely daughters. Been married 12 years, together even longer. We met at 19, and it's a long time since I kissed another guy. Never mind anything more.

 

He adores me. I love him. He is my best friend and knows me very very well - spookily so. But weird as this may sound, I've never 'fancied' him. He became my lover and friend -such a good friend and a good lover that we eventually married and had children. We had a horrible, horrible time last year when we had been slipping apart, and I had grown cool towards him, and at one point came seriously close to infidelity on a chance occasion away from home. I confessed it to him and we all but faced breakdown.

 

Finally I couldn't bear what I was doing to the family or bear his unhappinness. He told me that if I had sex away from home it would be the end. And I wouldn't get the children. We discussed the scenario 'if a tree falls in a forest and there's no-one there, does it make a sound?', but in the end, I had to swear I would never be unfaithful. We have been trying hard and growing closer again over the past year and making plans for the future. The children are happy, he's happy.......but I still have a lingering desire to taste the forbidden fruit.

 

Does anyone understand what I mean when I say I feel trapped in a loving marriage? Sometimes I feel like I will go crazy with pretending this is all enough.

 

Part of me says that it is a woman's secret gift to herself to be able to give or take of herself as she desires, provided nobody else knows. Part of me also believes that to have an extramarital affair is a thrill I must experience, if only once, before I die.

 

And then of course there's solid reason pulling me back. Can I risk everything? Can I risk blowing to pieces the absolute trust he has built in me? How certain could I ever be of absolute secrecy?

 

The thing is, for the first time 'ever', a man I like at work has actually stepped up and made overtures towards me. He too is married with children and I can only imagine he is entering a mid-life crisis. Everyone at work is so professional, this has never happened to me before. I'm bowled over by his (very discreet) approaches and very very tempted to try it out - just once. I have NO intentions of making this a long term thing - my future is with my husband. But I REALLY fancy this bloke and I know with his family status, and position at work, that he could be trusted to keep schtum.

 

This sounds SO pathetic. I know the rational answer, I'm just so confused. Am I a totally selfish cow? Could I just have even a bit of a snog with this bloke?

 

Help!

[Michael2]

Uh oh, you both need to seek counseling..ASAP.

 

I am in no way an expert, but I can offer my opionion. For further info check out link removed

 

Please, for the sake of you and for the emotional heart break you may create, do not , on any occasion, fall victim to another while married.

 

I find it quite bothersome that you are even contemplating an affair with a co worker. Trust me when I tell you, it will be the worst MISTAKE you will ever make in your life. You will cripple the love you share with your HUSBAND and destroy the sacred bond you both share.

 

You have to re-read your post and truly absorb what you have written. Stating that you have to experience an affair once. WHY? Because you arent happy in marriage. Your husband, from what I have read, seems to be a great guy, both sexually and emotionally, yet you would destroy this for a quick love affair. Do you see how wrong that is?

 

You behaviour is extremely selfish in nature. Trust me, everyone has urges, but the real test of ones character is how they deal with these issues. You need to examine yourself. You hold the key to happiness. And I am telling you right now, that if you ever mess around outside marriage, things will NEVER be the same.

 

Read some of the posts on that website I posted. Read about the nightmares, the hearthache individuals of affair experience. Im sorry I am judging you, but if you do commit to adultery, then shame on you and I pray for your children and husband. You need to get a nice kick in the butt. Get your head back into reality!!!!!

[john one]

We all have temptations and fantasize about certain things, but not every fantasy is worth pursuing. It's easy to take things for granted, and that is what I believe you are doing. Think of the big picture, what's really important to you? Sex with your co-worker/some new action -or- the health and well being of your marriage and family life. How would you view another person in your position if you were looking from the outside? Is marriage not sacred to you? Did you forget the vows you took?

 

You say that for the first time, you have someone at work approaching you, but let me tell you that there have been and always will be offers, whether you are made aware of them or not. No matter what your appearance, there are and always will be a number of guys -a bracket, if you will- that are interested in getting you in bed, whether you're married or not. So don't think that this man at work is a once in a lifetime oppurtunity. You've always had the option to cheat, but why haven't you already? Have things changed inside of you? Do you not value the same things as before? You need to think more before you act on your lust. This guy might not even be able to please you. There are no guarantees that you will be a satisfied customer. What would your daughters think of you if they knew? What would you have thought about your mother if she strayed from the marriage for sex? Could you live with the guilt? There's so much more to it, but in simple terms -there are only a few things worse than betraying your husband or wife. My opinion is, you should find other ways of dealing with your sexual frustration, needs, or whatever is the cause of you considering cheating on your hubby.

 

Some people say that life is too short to not do what you want and act out your fantasies, but I believe that it's also too short to not make some real commitments to important people or causes in our lives, seeing them through to the end, and leaving behind an example for others to be proud of.

[Shelly333]

Even if you don't mind looking in the mirror everyday afterward and staring at a person who has no self-control, think of your children. They will lose respect for you. You will have set a horrible example for all of them. The hurt will be immeasurable. And your poor husband. If you love him as much as you say you do, you will never forgive yourself for ruining a good thing. We all face temptations. Control your thoughts, and the rest will follow. Somehow let your co-worker know you are not interested so you won't be tempted to give in. Be grateful for what you have! If you are religious, pray for help. Good luck!

[Michael2]

A friend of mines father cheated on his mother.

 

He resents the hell out of his father. Before this happened, he loved his father dearly. He still does love his father, but there is a burning fire that will never be extinguished as a result of the affair.

[routerx]

You're not selfish, you are simply being tempted.

 

You would be selfish if you acted on it.

 

Eventually someone would find out, your husband, your kids, sooner or later and you would lose everything you are taking for granted right now. You are surrounded by great things, but it can disappear all in an instant.

 

Please don't take what you have for granted. There are people on this earth who are dying for what you have.

[RosiePosie]

"We discussed the scenario 'if a tree falls in a forest and there's no-one there, does it make a sound?'"

 

If you are referring to sex with another person, the above quote doesn't fit...because even if your husband didn't know at first, YOU would still know and the other person would know...[you don't understand the havoc this can cause at work]...and the act would cause you to start wondering if your husband is being faithful and when trust is gone in a relationship, there isn't much hope for it to last...

 

Please do the right thing and maybe a little counseling for you might help too to see why you think you need to stray...

 

 

[eyethink]

i have an interesting point of view on this...

 

I am in a marriage that is allbut dead. I think the only reason I am with my wife is for the kids, but I know that too will not be enough reason for very long. I'd have been faithful to my wife, even as she slammed me down at every chance and gave me every reason to leave her.

 

I found friendship in more than one woman, not sexual but from a friend who saw they way I was being treated and wanted to tell me I was a good person. eventually with one woman it lead farther. She was divorced and we were old friends who always saw eye to eye. I came close to having a relationship with her, even meeting in a hotel room. But I left, saying I owed it to my wife to try and keep it going. When I got home I found my wife mad a yelling at me about something minor and spent the night sleeping on the floor in the next room.

 

The second opportunity for infidelity I had was with a woman who ws actually friendd of my wifes. She saw us together and took me aside and told me my wife was abusing me. She told me to not get torn down, I deserved a life. We got together many times to talk but she waid we would never have sex until I knew my marriage was ended. In the end she was right, because only then would it feel right. This was because I would be avoiding the relationshjip I still had, as bad as it was.

 

A snog is not a mariiage breaker if the marriage is worth it. But be aware of the guilt you will feel if you still have feeling for your current mate.

 

Years ago when our marriage was young my wife and I agreed we would not tell theother if we ever wanted to have a snog on the side. Now my wife is less confident our relationship is strong, and is very supicious becuase she knows I must be looking elseswhere, she has just burned too many bridges with us, always telling me to f-off and get out of her life, then blaming it on a bad PMS or some other lame excuse for not being able to control her childish ways.

[revdeluka]

well if the temptation is more than you can bare, take a bite. there is no better teacher than experience. you know what is at stake more than anyone of us who is giving you advice. finally a very famous philosopher said that intuition is knowledge without prior experience. if you feel deep inside of you to go ahead, then go and see what happens. and if you know that or feel somthing bad is going to happen then that means you wouldnt be happy with yourself afterwards.

[raggamuffin]

Firstly I agree with Michael. Secondly my father cheated on my mother and my brother and I dislike him immensly and it has ruined his relationship with us. So much that my brother and I have changed our surnames to our mothers maiden name. The same thing happenend to my cousins except it was there mother who cheated and they were all under 12 years old. Now that they are older the eldest 18 they all hate there mother and refuse to see her or have anything to do with her. Thirdly your husband has put alot into this marraige to make it work and he doesnt deserve to be hurt by you cheating, your not going to get over your "forbidden fruit thing" once you taste it all the problems that are in your life are still going to be there...infact there will be more. And you know that the one kiss will lead to sex because you will probably get caught up in the moment. If you want another man/woman leave your husband and your kids.

[eyethink]

rag and rev, your replies gave me some insight. I am still really torn.

 

I understand all too well the implications of infidelity. I have turned the other cheek so many times trying to make this marriage work. She refuses to go to counselling, the times she went with me brought up too many problems with how she was raised, things she won't face. I have tried for more than twenty years to get my wife to deal with the things she does, then has to apolgize for. And not just to me, we have lost friends, I have lost relationships with family members because she wants me to take her side and go against them, even when I dont' agree with her.

 

Then when someone tells you that you are a good person and your life has value, and you compare that to being torn down in your marriage everyday, you would feel a pull too.

 

ALL I can say to everyone reading this is make sure before you commit to a marriage, especially before kids. If you don't have the same values with your spouse, things will be multiplied tenfold over time.

 

When you get to thirty or forty and you find you are growing to hate your wife, but you have kids it is hard to make a change. But the heart wants what it wants, and I know a side of me knows to make people happy around you, you need to know happiness too.

 

Even my marriage counsellor told me to leave her. That my wife was toxic and would pull me and those around her down into her negative life.

Once in a blue moon she says sorry for being awful. Then breaks down so bad for being rotten, saying she is a bad mother and I have no choice but to say your not that bad, when I really want to say, yes you are, so go get some help.

Should I sacrifice my whole life waiting for her to grow up and take responsibility for her life?

[mscolly]

 

 

I know exactly waht you mean. I'm a husband in a very similar situation. Married almost 18 years, known each other 23. We have 5 kids. My wife loves me, she can't even remotely imagine anyone else she'd like to spend the rest of her life with. But the passion was often missing. She doesn't "fancy" me. This hurt me, it hurt her.

 

She met a man on internet, and there was an instant "feeling" between them (whatever that means exactly). Within 4 months of regularly chatting with him, after midnight, they were already discussing their sexual desire for each other and how to satisfy it. He is young (23), without a job and recently dropped out of university. He lives on the other side of the country, a good 6 hour drive away. My wife is 43. These differences effectively made a long-term esclusive relationship unlikely, and this probably helped my wife in seriously considering the affair, it was not a dangerous temptation in that sense. Add to that that she felt that our relationship, with 5 kids and 23 years behind it would not be easily broken by anything, made it even easier in her mind. You feel the same about your colleague, that his situation will protect you from running away from your family to him.

 

I can only say, don't do it. I spent 14 months in hell, knowing she had a "good friend" on internet, feeling that I was being told only half the truth. Our sex life twindled to almost zero. Our intimacy dwindled to almost zero. I knew something was wrong, but she seemed to be telling me everything. She even told me about the first cyber-sex session, that she was shocked by it.

 

When she decided that she couldn't live in a web of lies anymore, she broke off completely with this man, and told me everything. I can say it hurt. It hurt more than anything I've felt before. I've been through depression. I've been through paranoia, distrust. I've been through hating her, wanting to runaway. I've been through seriously deciding to have an affair myself. I've slept little at night.

 

Don't do it, it isn't worth it. Not even for you. Do you want to live with the guilt? In a marriage, trees don't fall without someone hearing. Even my wife now says that it wasn't worth it. A few moments of pleasure. Many nights of anticipation. The cold realty of how this man treated her. The excruciating dichotomy she lived in for all those months. The pain she caused me. The risk to our marriage and family. Don't do it, it is just not worth it.

 

Why not try to have an affair with your husband? Get him to come to your workplace and have sex in the office somewhere. Secret and surprise weekends away together. Work at your marriage, not on an affair.