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You think you're okay, then comes the breakdown.


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Well it hit me out of almost nowhere today.

 

Me & my first boyfriend are 21 years old and broke up finally after an 8 month period of on-and-off relationship failure. In total we lasted 3 years & were high school sweethearts.

 

I transferred to his school and he got scared of the future and everything went bad. Nothing horrible happened and we had a great relationship for 2 years, it was truly special & I felt blessed. Truly thought it was forever.

 

I went through emotional hell for the final 8 months and I finally got fed up and walked. I was finally ok with it after all of his emotional unavailability. Eventually he came back to me wanting to fix it all, more committed than ever, but of course as irony would have it I was just done at that point and didn't feel the same connection anymore.

 

That was all about 2 months ago and I haven't been too sad since... we are still on wonderful terms and see each other often.

 

This weekend he took a different girl to a dance and, combined with all the stress I'm facing this week during midterms, I had a complete breakdown. I for the first time in a long time started thinking of the old times. I briefly dated someone else too soon and had a few meaningless flirtations between then and now, and I guess this is the first time I've been 100% alone.

 

I can't tell if I miss him, or "it", the relationship that I know is better left dead. On one hand he knows my life, my family & my home, everything I've come from. On the other hand, he is selfish, & is great when he wants to be, but in terms of being a "day in and day out" boyfriend, he's hit or miss.

 

It's like I don't want to be with him anymore because I don't think he's the one... but I don't want to lose our connection, and my "special" place. I know this is impossible. And I know reconciliation is an option... but last time around he hurt me so badly.

 

Is this normal? I feel like it could be the final stage of grief... I only truly get upset about the relationship during times of need when I need someone to lean on. When I'm not super stressed out, I feel great about life and look forward to meeting other guys, etc.

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first off... reconciliation is not an option. you will have a meaningless relationship.

 

now that we agree on that, i think that what you are going through is the different stages of what goes on when something bad happens. like there is the denial stage and all that stuff. i think that you have been subconsciously in the denial phase since the relationship. i think that you went into that phase where it really hits you when you saw him with another girl and your subconscious realized that it as over. now you are in the barganing phase by coming here and asking us about reconciling.

 

dont worry it will get better eventually.

 

in the mean time, in my.... non-professional opinion.... i think that you should take a nice little breather from the stress of school work. it might help. and then you may find it helpfull (most people do) to find a way to rely on yourself instead of a relationship for emotional security.

 

but whatever you do, do not try getting back together with him.

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Your last sentence describes exactly what you're feeling. It's normal to miss past relationships when your own life is out of whack, because you miss the stability they once offered. Deep down you know that if you hadn't walked or if you'd accepted his proposal to get back together, you'd still be together now. I think what you miss about relationship is the certainty.

 

Being jealous over another girl is normal also. I'm not romantically interested in my ex, but I know that if he said something about dating another person I would get jealous, too.

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