I don't understand my boyfriend at all

[VtecQueen]

Yesterday we hung out with a few of his friends and their girlfriends. So the guys leave the room and the girls start talking about how they all went out one night and how crazy my boyfriend was acting. Which was all new news to me, because my boyfriend didn't tell me they had all went out. I had to work that night till 8pm and the girls told me I still could have came cuz they didn't get go the place till around 10pm.

 

So I was highly mad at my boyfriend about this. He goes out with two of his friends and their girlfriends, and he doesn't even say anything to me about going or even tell me they went out!! I don't understand this at all.

 

I confronted him about it and he didn't understand why I was mad. He said he doesn't feel like he has to tell me what he did when he goes out. He will go out and the next day I'll ask "what you do?" and he'll say "nothing". When I go out he'll ask me what did I do and I'll tell him. He say he doesn't want to answer to me, and that I have control issues. I don't understand any of that.

 

It's like it's his way or the highway. I can express my feelings until I"m blue in the face, but if he dosesn't agree with it he will tune me out and continue doing what he's been doing. It upsets me so much, and I don't know what to do about it. So right now I'm just not talking to him. All this probably doesn't make since cuz i'm so mad and I'm just typing, but if you get it, please help me out!!!

[Mutley]

Inflexibility is something you want to avoid in relationships.

 

Good luck.

[Batya33]

I can understand how icky it must feel to hear information like that from other people (and why would they say negative things about your bf in front of you?). It depends on your "routine" - some couples like to share all details of nights out or days with each other and others do not. I think it's ok for him to go out and not "report" back to you or feel he has to - and it sounds like he doesn't care to. How do you feel about that? For me it would be very surprising but that's just because we like to share with each other. That doesn't mean it's "wrong" to be more of a private person. It just depends on the couple. Maybe you two can compromise so that he won't say "nothing" but he doesn't need to give a blow by blow. Take care.

[Cognitive_Canine]

How long have you been going out?

[VtecQueen]

I think it's ok for him to go out and not "report" back to you or feel he has to - and it sounds like he doesn't care to. How do you feel about that?.

It sucks cuz I come home from being out and I'll tell him what I did. I don't give him a play by play but I tell him what happened. "we went to TGIFridays, then we went to walmart" you know. but he doesn't say anything. And he WON'T compromise with me at all. I asked him to, and he just said he doesn't feel he needs to tell me what he did. He always gets what he wants, every argument we have. I tend to ALWAYS drop my feelings and just go with what he says cuz he NEVER tries to see things from my point of view. I'm always the one compromising. Never him. It sucks.

 

We been together for 3 1/2 years.

[FrancisHouseman]

I would find that odd too and a bit upsetting..

 

my friend lives with her boyfriend and they have a child together and every now and again he will say he is going out with the 'boys' for some drinks. My friend will later go in the car to pick him up and notice that the other guy's girlfriends are there and she will be a bit hurt that her boyfriend didn't ask her. She said to him once "If other girls were there why didnt you ask me to come? i thought it was a boys night?" he shrugged and said "I didnt know they were coming til i came out.." like it was no big deal, my friend was thinking 'but you could have rung me and i would have come!'

 

Sometimes men don't think or realise their actions will bother you.

 

However, i think you should explain that it felt strange to hear from your friends that your boyfriend had been on a night out and you hadnt been invited, that it made you feel hurt.

 

you need to stop compromising so much and following his lead, 3.5 years is a long time to be with someone who treats you like you are still some girl he is 'dating'.

 

You are supposed to be in a relationship, a partnership, sharing.. isnt that the point of being together? he is being cagey and strange and if i were you i wouldnt put up with it.

 

are you afraid to lose him?

[VtecQueen]

Thanks,

 

the same thing that happened with your friend happened with me. He said the exact same thing and yeah I'm very hurt. I'm not afraid to loose him, we have been through alot together and I know he will not leave me anytime soon, I'm just so frustrated with the way things are going right now. You are right 3.5 years is along time for him not to be compromising. I'm really fed up with it too, but I don't know what to do about it. Right now, I am not talking to him and it seems he is not talking to me either. Its so emotinally tiring for me. He doesn't even try or want to understand where i'm coming from.

[eleanorrigby1]

You are only young and I have to wonder if this is your first relationship? It seems you are putting up with an awful lot and I can't understand why?

 

A relationship is about loving each other and understanding each other, or at least trying to.. you say he doesnt try to understand you, he doesnt compromise.. he doesnt tell you about what he does when you arent around.. he doesnt share things with you.. he isnt comforting you when you are upset about something he could explain to you...

 

Does this sound like a healthy relationship to you?

[SadMan]

Hey VtecQueen,

 

I have read some of other post in the past and it sounds like you guys have a lot of issues with trust and communication. He seems like your High School BF and most likely your first real relationship???

 

All this doesnt look healthy because seems like you are always caving in and he doesnt seem to have the repect for you in this relationship.

 

This is where the problem is and things will just get worse until he finds a new target and pursue her.

 

You may want to talk to him and try and work things out. But seems like he is unwilling to work with you at all. You can try and take a break from all this and see if he even cares to come to you and try to work things out. If he is your first BF or he is your real relationship, I know it can be hard even the thought of leaving him or try no contact.

 

But you must ask yourself some questions, do you think he respect you? Do you think he cares about you? Do you think he will change for you?

 

If you answer No, then you better start thinking more about yourself and move on.

[VtecQueen]

So last night I find out he has been talking/texting with this other girl. The girl told me herself, so I asked my boyfriend about it and he said it was nothing serious. I don't mind him talking to girls, cuz I don't think he would cheat on me or anything of that nature, but I got mad because, the whole non communication thing I stressed to him Sunday night went in one ear and out the other. Which just shows how he doesnt respect my opinions or at least would compromise or talk it out. I express my feelings and he goes out and does whatever he wants. I don't even know this girl, she just sent me a random myspace message and said "Does your boyfriend drive a nissan? Cuz he is not texting me back with the answer you lol"

 

shrug....so now I'm not talking to him, and told him I won't talk to him until he can agree to communicate with me and not disrespect my feelings. He then suggests that I"m lying about the girl messaging me. so whatever.....What do you think now? lol

 

And it's not my first real relationship, it is my longest, but I've had 3 other boyfriends that i've been with ranging from 6 months to a year. But Its my first that I really care about him, and feel that we are ment to be together forever. He also bought me a BMW which is probably why he feels like he can do what he wants, he always says "after all this stuff I'm doing for you" blah blah. lol. I think he needs to grow up some, and I probably do too, but I'm trying. Too bad stuff like this keeps happening and we can't seem to get past it.

[ThisGirl]

Even if he was just your friend this would be odd behavior. If a group of my close friends went out and I wasn't invited, I certainly would ask why. And if I asked a close friend what they did the night before, I'd certainly expect a better answer than "nothing," especially if they and my other friends had gone out and had a great time.

 

He IS being secretive, and not being a very good friend, much less boyfriend. For some reason he is acting like he needs to create distance between you, and maybe that would be a good place to start the discussion.

 

I know it is hard, but ask him if he needs space, and then let him come right out and say it, instead of leaving you in the dark wondering what is going on. Then at least all the cards will be on the table and you can decide what you want to do. If he doesn't want space, then make sure he starts treating you like he loves you and wants to be around you, because this is totally unequal and unfair and you can't hang around while he behaves this way.

[VtecQueen]

I'm trying to be strong and not call him or text him, so he can know this time I mean business. But it's really hard. I don't stay mad at very long, I always end up giving in and calling him every argument, so I guess he's waiting on that. But this time it's not going to go that way. This is the hardest thing.

[nownov1]

i dont really know what advice to give you but i just wanted to say that my boyfriend is exactly like this too! and i have no idea how to deal with it either.

 

ive found that sometimes when i DON'T ask him what he did or where he's going...he's more likely to just tell me himself eventually. maybe that will work with you?