saturnreturn Posted September 24, 2008 Share Posted September 24, 2008 He came to my place yesterday morning to drop off my laptop. We've been broken up since May, had 3 months of NC, and have had limited contact since then, some of which has caused confusion and tears... I've been very up and down lately, have had moments where I felt like I was moving on and then other where I felt like I was back to square one. I still miss him terribly and have not yet been able to feel anger towards him. All in all the meeting went ok. He came over, I asked him if he wanted a cup of coffee which he did. We sat and chatted for almost an hour... I say chatted because it was mostly catching up. It felt nice to be able to sit with him but also weird because there's such distance between us and yet I know him by heart. We were together for almost four years... I could tell he was not doing so great but I kept my distances and tried not to pry. It was very different from our other meetings since the break up. I didn't cry or fall apart when he left. I guess I did good. Then how come I feel sad? Link to comment
Sweet Venus Posted September 24, 2008 Share Posted September 24, 2008 Aww Saturn, of course you feel sad sweetie. You shared your life for four years with him...three months of NC is NOT that long. Healing is not linear. All the stages of grieving are not always done in "order'...expect to go up and down.Youa re adjusting to a life without him, it will take time. Don't beat yourself up....do you want to get back together with him? Link to comment
Mayday11 Posted September 24, 2008 Share Posted September 24, 2008 Because you love him, you miss him and you're human? Sounds like you did good, though, you should be proud of that. Link to comment
Mariah21 Posted September 24, 2008 Share Posted September 24, 2008 Well because he was part of your life and you love him and miss him, like when i lost my ex i was the same still going through it but eventually that will all fade. You did well when he came around though. Link to comment
DN Posted September 24, 2008 Share Posted September 24, 2008 When you say that you could tell he was not doing so good - did you get a sense that he might be regretting the break-up? Link to comment
saturnreturn Posted September 24, 2008 Author Share Posted September 24, 2008 When you say that you could tell he was not doing so good - did you get a sense that he might be regretting the break-up? I think he has always kinda regretted the break-up. The problem is he doesn't want or can't be in the kind of committed relationship I want to have with him. He's one of those people who sabotage themselves constantly, in work, relationships, etc. He had a really lousy childhood and has always had an issue with stability. Some people go through life that way... I know he loves me and I certainly love him but it just doesn't work. Our relationship was all ups and downs, the highs were amazing and we always had (and still have) an intense connection... but we fought constantly. It was so hard to see him struggling yesterday because I know I can't fix him, I never have been able to. And I also know that I am one of the only people in his life that he trusts and opens up to. Now that we are apart, I wonder if he has anyone to talk to. I know! He chose to leave the relationship, so it's his problem... I wish my heart understood that. Link to comment
DN Posted September 24, 2008 Share Posted September 24, 2008 People can change. Maybe he can too. Link to comment
cat_lady Posted September 25, 2008 Share Posted September 25, 2008 Oh wow, that sounds so much like my ex... while we didnt have ups and downs he sabotages himself constantly and just when we were developing true intimacy he sabotaged it with fears and emotional baggage from the past and family issues Its sad because I know he hurt me in the process but he's hurting himself as well and recognizes it and is too stubborn to do anything. He'd rather cut out everyone out of his life than face his stubbornness. Why wwhy why ould you continue to do something when you admit your only hurting yourself? ](*,)](*,) Rant aside, I understand what you're going through, I wish there was an answer. Link to comment
saturnreturn Posted September 25, 2008 Author Share Posted September 25, 2008 Oh wow, that sounds so much like my ex... while we didnt have ups and downs he sabotages himself constantly and just when we were developing true intimacy he sabotaged it with fears and emotional baggage from the past and family issues Its sad because I know he hurt me in the process but he's hurting himself as well and recognizes it and is too stubborn to do anything. He'd rather cut out everyone out of his life than face his stubbornness. Why wwhy why ould you continue to do something when you admit your only hurting yourself? ](*,)](*,) Rant aside, I understand what you're going through, I wish there was an answer. As much as we want to help them, the fact that we get hurt in the process is a real problem... it wears you down to be with somebody that cuts you out of their life whenever they don't feel like dealing with it. I know I got kind of addicted to the whole thing -- that intense connection where I felt we were the only people in the world who understood each other and then the longing to connect with him when he was unable/unwilling to... It took me a while to realize how emotionally charged that cycle is and how hard it is to let it go. Understanding it was a turning point for in my grieving process, I think. I miss him every day, but I do feel like I have more distance now than I did four months ago. That's what made me sad yesterday I think, the distance... like I was seeing him and not able to do anything anymore. It's so hard to let go... I worry about him even though I know I should be focusing on myself, which I am... The bottom line is: you can't help somebody that doesn't want to be helped. Link to comment
saturnreturn Posted September 25, 2008 Author Share Posted September 25, 2008 People can change. Maybe he can too. You're right people can change... and maybe one day he will. Until then I need to focus on myself and what I want, not in a realtionship because I am definitely not ready to get close to anyone else right now but in other areas of my life. That's what I have to keep on telling myself. Link to comment
brian123 Posted September 27, 2008 Share Posted September 27, 2008 ;2741187 He's one of those people who sabotage themselves constantly, in work, relationships, etc. He had a really lousy childhood and has always had an issue with stability. Some people go through life that way... And why would you want to be with someone who has these issues? Link to comment
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