Rantings of a Mousty.

[Alezia]

Today was just a kick in the guts moment of realization.

I realize how everything is wrong with my life - just not in the areas where I really thought they were.

 

I really thought I needed to get engaged NOW, lose weight, get more money and that all my problems would go away. I fully realize how wrong I was.

 

As far as the engagement goes - I came to realize that I felt disapointed that he wasn't as excited as I was for an actual wedding ceremony. Apparently the real source of our conflicts was due to the fact that he did not know of the disctinction in the words between 'wedding' and 'marriage'.

We had a good talk yesterday and apparently he does want marriage and feels like he is married but isn't in a hurry for the ceremony. He still feels he wants to put the effort and values of a marriage without the ceremony which is fine for now.

 

A lot of our conflicts come from the fact that our apartment is simply too small to be kept tidy. I know that if you have more space, more clutter will pile up but seriously - having clothes kept in stacked boxes and on the floor because of lack of space is not NORMAL! It took many months just to get a decent table to eat on. It just discourages me so much to keep up the daily cleaning.

 

I think I want to go through with all of this - change apartments to a nice 3 bedroom garden home apartment until we get a house, change our babysitter to a professional Ontarian babysitter that lives NEARBY(even if she charges a lot more). I simply don't feel at home in my white industrial-like apartment. Everything seems so temporary (the lack of engagement didn't help this "temporary" feeling) that it's aggrevating!

 

I want to have a healthier lifestyle. I do have exercice but i'd like to start taking vitamins, drink more water instead of 12 cups of coffee, eat less processed / junk foods. I want to be ok with skipping desert in public.