Ok, I'm seriously confused!

[Lupin]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm new here and am in need of some useful advice. Well here goes my story. I joined college around last year. Initially I thought it'd be impossible for me to make friends... however after a few weeks I made like a ton of friends However then as the story goes, I fell big time for this charming, beautiful and most interesting girl. I even joined one of our class groups (editorial board) to just get to know her better.

 

After around two months this girl and I became really good friends. We hung out together, studied together and around the end of the second month, I decided I would tell her about my feelings for her. So one day I did that by the means of a letter.

 

After she read that letter, she was apparently quite surprised to find out that I had feelings for her. The answer I basically got was that she still had feelings for this guy (that she had -never- dated or had been asked out by, infact this guy knew/still knows nothing about her feelings for him and she would -never- tell him about her feelings or past feelings whatever) and thats why she didn't want to get into a relationship with anyone. While it was obviously not the answer I was expecting or rather appreciated, however I decided to be persistent.

 

I decided to keep on pursuing this girl, and around another month later, I asked her to have a serious conversation with me about 'us'. Again the response I got was same except it was in more detail.

 

Well now it's been almost six months that we've known each other. We both care about each other a lot, she helps me with everything imaginable... listens to my problems... teaches me subjects I don't know... and really puts a lot of effort into me. We've grown quite close... we share everything... and infact I happen to feel that she's the only one I -really- confide in. I'm also pretty much the only fallback for her personal problems or whatever. We're always together in college, we always have lunch together, we always study together and we talk on the phone a lot.

 

Now my dilema is basically a feeling of confusion. I find myself wondering all the time about where our friendship is really going. Whenever the topic of dating/relationships comes up... she sometimes uses the example of us 'being just friends'. That particular comment really pricks me hard for some reason.

 

I'm totally clueless as to whats gonna happen in the future, I so feel that this girl is perfectly right for me... we get along amazingly... but then there's her feelings for the guy she 'used' to like.

 

So guys, any advice you have to offer? Do you think what we have here is just a really good guy/girl friendship or is it more?

 

Thanks for taking the time to listen to this loooong story

[routerx]

You already have 90% what you are looking for.

 

You have a relationship with a girl you care about which includes deep thoughts and shared moments. This is great stuff.. don't take it for granted. You are building bedrock here.

 

All long term relationships are built upon rock. Your relationship with her his like a rock right now. Let it grow on it's own. Quit trying to dictate when and how it will grow.

 

Part of the reason she may be holding back is because you seem so darn adamate to dictate the relationship. She may be (and PROBABLY) is using that guy as an excuse to get you to chill out. If you really care for someone, it will show from your actions, not because you TELL them you care about them. So, stop TELLING her and just enjoy what caring for her via actions.

 

A girlfriend of mine who I was very close with kept telling me she needed more from me. I spent all of my time with her, confided in her, etc.. We were creating a great relationship, one that I didn't even intend to happen.. but sure enough, it was happening. I broke up with her because she was so darn needy about it all, as if what we had was nothing.. she kept saying, "I need more..." like a vampire.

 

So, quit being so dogmatic. Just enjoy everyday. You can't pressure people into relationships.. they have to grow on their own...

 

You are 90% there.. let her decide the pace of the final 10%

[Beec]

routerx is right. Telling her what you need or how you feel is not the way to go. The four factors that cause us to enter relationships: 1) we grow dependent on those who fulfill our emotional needs; 2) we are attracted to those who exhibit independence or aloofness (they don't depend on us or becoem needy, while we begin to become dependent on them per No. 1); 3. we want what we cannot or may not be able to have (If you threated to not be able to fulfill her emotional needs, once you are fulfilling them, she might want make sure you stay with her). This last one is tougher to grasp. You are 90% in the relationship, doing everything but . . . . She gets her needs fulfilled. If you begin seeing someone, she may lose you being available to fulfill her needs. So, be the guy you hvae been, as you seem to have No. 1 in hand. Don't be needy, and start to chase, date or at least look at other women. Finally, consider telling or asking her "When are you ever going to realize that I am the guy you should be with me, be dating, etc." In essense telling her, I am the guy fulfilling your needs.

[Lupin]

Thanks for your advice guys, however one thing I would definitely like to clear up. I'm not being persistent as in pushing her into a relationship. I'm being persistent as in not loosing hope because of what she said. Get it? So far I've only talked to her twice about 'us'. And not ever since then. I'm just 'going with the flow'.

 

Thanks.

[routerx]

Yes.. I get it.. but even if you aren't SAYING it, you may be THINKING it. I appreciate you haven't said it often.. but I would suggest, if possible, to stop thinking it as well.

 

Anyway, my real point that I want to make is you obviously are a good person. You obviously deserve this great relationship. You should be commended.

[Lupin]

Thanks again for your help. Definitely will take your advice