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men who are infatuated: why?

Caterina

By Caterina
in Dating Advice

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Caterina Mentor

Caterina

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So a guy you go on three dates with still isn't over you and is always calling, yet the man you knew for three years doesn't ever bother to pick up the phone?

 

Its just not fair.

 

Sure sign that a guy likes you: you don't like him. Sure sign he doesn't: you like him?

 

How can a guy who barely knows me be obsessed with me? Is my real personality bad, or something? Why don't the ones who actually know me do that to me?

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Caterina Mentor

Caterina

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The one that I knew for three years was a very good friend of mine. The three day one was the same as many men that I"ve dated...obsessed with me but didn't really understand me. I've been in a lot of relationships where men want to marry me very early on...I've never had a normal relationship where both me and the guy fall in love over a period of time where we get to know each other.

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Caterina Mentor

Caterina

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What kinds of men are you meeting?

 

If they all have this same attitude, are they similar in other ways?

 

All kinds of men...usually intelligent, usually.

 

No, mostly just similar in that way that I can think of right now.

 

Actually, they do what you said you do. I think that they look at me as something symbolic and they put me on a pedastal because they lust after me. They don't love me, they are infatuated with me.

 

I want someone to love me.

 

I have never dated anyone I truly really liked. Well, okay, I did date one. But, usually I fall for friends who don't return the desire for a relationship.

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Caterina Mentor

Caterina

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have self esteem issues...the guys I've been with have had some, I guess, but it wasn't really very prominent...like it wouldn't occur to me to describe them as men who have low self esteem. I really don't know what it is either: maybe that I can be maternal? I also came from a sheltered familial background...maybe I was too naive? I'm also pretty strongwilled- I'm very firm when it comes to certain things...OH, also--> they were always the aggressors...I have never asked a guy out...and the guys who usually ask me out are people who aren't at all afraid of what other people think...maybe that helps?

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Caterina Mentor

Caterina

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Well, then are you sure they're infatuated with you? Or could you just be interpreting it that way?

 

If a guy constantly calls you even though you've kind of made it clear that you're not interested- to me thats something. Guys that stalk, or guys that say they want to marry you long before you'd ever think about that---those are the types i"m talking about.

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Caterina Mentor

Caterina

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I understand. Do you think you may be generalizing though? Like that every guy you go out with does this, except for just that one? Do you go out with guys that often?

 

No, I go out with guys maybe twice a year. Almost every guy I've gone out with has done this.

 

One guy was normal, what we had kind of tapered off. He was a weird guy though. NEver really got him.

 

The one guy I actually liked...I ended up not liking him on some level and broke up with him. He asked me to go back out with him, and he ended up breaking up withme. I liked him in the beginning (intelligent, suave, handsome) and stopped later (realized he was a womanizer).

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Caterina Mentor

Caterina

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Do you have time to go out with guys more than twice a year? I think if you saw more than two guys in a year, you may find yourself meeting a lot more different kinds of guys.

 

Lol, do you think I'd be at enotalone if I was dating all the time? I wish I could date that much, not that easy for me. Don't really know my problem other than that I'm not like most people I encounter. I'm fairly attractive, so that isn't it. I'm turned off by average men, so that might be it to.

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keefy1972 Experienced

keefy1972

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Truth be told, I did this with someone I had dated in my past as well, in that she wasn't a very open person, nor was she easy to understand in some respects, so I let my imagination get the better of me. Before I knew it, I thought she was the cat's meow, and later learned that I didnt know her at all.

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Caterina Mentor

Caterina

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What's an average man? Just so I can figure out if I'm one. I'm not like most people I encounter either, I feel like I'm incredibly esoteric and that people see me that way, even though I'm very down-to-earth and humorous.

 

But if you're attractive, maybe you should try to date more, and give eNotAlone a rest here and there. I know I use it more than I should; I haven't asked any women out since I started posting here a couple months ago...

 

Average Man = [sum (All Men)] / (# of All Men)

 

Lol, when I say average man- I just mean a guy that doesn't stand out to me. I can't define an average man in a real meaning. I make lots of friends, I'm also down to earth and people often call me funny-- but I find dating impossible. And giving enotalone a break...I don't think that that would do much good--the time I spend with enotalone wouldn't be replaced with dating, if thats what you're implying. It'd probably be replaced with dvds.

 

I"ve seen average looking women date a lot so its not that. I'm probably above average. I don't get called beautiful as often as I was at nineteen (I'm now twenty six), but people often tell me that I'm pretty and I think I am pretty.

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Jeremiah Johnson Rookie

Jeremiah Johnson

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Lol, when I say average man- I just mean a guy that doesn't stand out to me. I can't define an average man in a real meaning. I make lots of friends, I'm also down to earth and people often call me funny-- but I find dating impossible. And giving enotalone a break...I don't think that that would do much good--the time I spend with enotalone wouldn't be replaced with dating, if thats what you're implying. It'd probably be replaced with dvds.

 

So essentially, average man = bloke that works 9-5, has an apartment or maybe a small house, pays his bills on time, cracks smiles every now and then, considers going back to school from time to time, drives a honda, wants a girlfriend but has no idea why, drinks a beer or two at night and watches the game... that guy right? Yeah, that guy is pretty boring. I can definitely see the lack of attraction.

 

DVD's are great. My local store has a 5/5 deal. And it may be a long time before I date again, so I rent a lot.

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Caterina Mentor

Caterina

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What about an average guy turns you off though? Is it that you don't see yourself bothering with someone that doesn't immediately knock your socks off, or what??

 

Well, I mean- I've given tons of men chances if they asked me out. If they are mildly attractive and seem mentally healthy. And I've fallen for someone I didn't really think about when I first met him. Over time I got to know him and was really into him. I don't know what turns me off about the typical guy, I just know that I am...maybe I think that they won't understand me and I really value being understood by my romantic interest.

 

So essentially, average man = bloke that works 9-5, has an apartment or maybe a small house, pays his bills on time, cracks smiles every now and then, considers going back to school from time to time, drives a honda, wants a girlfriend but has no idea why, drinks a beer or two at night and watches the game... that guy right? Yeah, that guy is pretty boring. I can definitely see the lack of attraction.

 

DVD's are great. My local store has a 5/5 deal. And it may be a long time before I date again, so I rent a lot.

 

My local store has an excellent deal- $23 for unlimited dvds per month. Its only two minutes away. What is your signature from?

 

 

 

Not replacing it altogether by any means, just going on a date more often here and there, and then reporting back to eNotAlone. Honestly, I think I can literally count on one hand the number of dates I've had in my young life. And only one of those was a real date, the others I have no idea. I generalize every woman I meet according to that, although it's deeper than that, I just don't feel like they could like me.

 

But I know if maybe I could meet new people, these notions would start to change in me, and I'd see the dating scene wasn't as black and white as I think it is. It's terrifying for me, but I'm a guy, and you're an attractive woman, so you've already got an advantage over attracting people.

 

You say I have an advantage, but I don't really see it that much. The ones I actually want end up not liking me, and the ones I don't want, end up going insane over me.

 

I really don't know how to get more dates...otherwise, I'd agree with you.

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Caterina Mentor

Caterina

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Do you ever actually take the initiative to ask guys out that you do like? Or do you wait and see if they ask you out? Are you proactive or reactive? Some guys won't ask out a woman that they find attractive simply because, like MdnTimes said himself, they don't think you would like them anyway.

 

I used to be proactive, but I faced rejection too many times. It never had a satisfying result. So I am reactive, I wait for them to ask me out...that way there is no guesswork about where they stand- and I kind of prefer men who take control of the relationship early on. I only date men who ask me b/c its been much more rewarding than the alternative.

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keefy1972 Experienced

keefy1972

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Yeah, rejection leaves a sour taste in everyone's mouth, no doubt.

 

As far as your OP, I think like I said earlier, if you could find a way to better relate to the people you date, then you could probably eliminate the psycho element from your dating life. Most of those guys probably arent stalkers or crazy, they probably let their imaginations get to know you before they actually did. The reason that happens is because you could possibly be shutting down and not letting people in so they can really get to know you. Not just imagine that they do.

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Caterina Mentor

Caterina

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Yeah, rejection leaves a sour taste in everyone's mouth, no doubt.

 

As far as your OP, I think like I said earlier, if you could find a way to better relate to the people you date, then you could probably eliminate the psycho element from your dating life. Most of those guys probably arent stalkers or crazy, they probably let their imaginations get to know you before they actually did. The reason that happens is because you could possibly be shutting down and not letting people in so they can really get to know you. Not just imagine that they do.

 

I don't know, maybe. I don't think that many of them were even really capable of undestanding me. Or maybe I knew that they wouldn't be properly compassionate, so I say that they couldn't understand me. But, I've opened up to a lot of people-- so its not like I'm closed off in general or anything.

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