Finnally I got a word, but still no answers.

[jamman]

First of all I would like to thank the two persons that responded to my post " she left without a word" your input was really excellent, for anyone else reading this see that post for prior ramblings. The thing is I am having a hard time moving on from my 'ex'. I have quit all drinking and am dealing with my emotions on a very clear plane of consciousness even though I've only been clean 3weeks. I came to the conclusion on saturday that I was not able to move on if I did not have some type of undrstanding and some final communication with her though. I could not stop pondering so many questions and they stopped me from doing anything in my free time and my thoughts kept going in circles. Taking some advice I finnally decided to end it myself even though I did'nt want to, I just had to save myself so I could move on.

 

I went to her house on saturday night with the intent to give her back all the "love" gifts she had ever given me and say goodbye,my intention was to destroy everything as a means of personal survival. I knew this was a mistake but was the only way I could go on. While walking over I realised I had no plan if our talk went good, so I decided I would just be the person I am. When I got to her house she was pulling in the driveway we exchanged a few very nice casual words. She asked me to have a smoke with her and we talked, everything wen't really great. She told me she had her guard up and that she still did'nt want to talk or see me because it was too emotional. There was no hatred or anger on both of our parts and this was said by us both. She said she could'nt "do this" and I said I was'nt ready also. I asked her if she was letting go and she said she thought so.

 

See thing is everything still seems so unclear we want to be together but need time to heal and rebuild ourselves from what happened from my addiction and the results it inflicted on us both. I know that a few members here have told me to give myself a year but the way my mind, health and recovery are going I think I will be ready much sooner. From all communication between her and my friends and now the wonderful loving easy parting the other night with our kindness hugs and understanding, it is obvious we don't want to part but have to. She has made her choice and I understand and told her that I think that her decisions to end communication were right for us both, in good ways and especially after what happened(see post"She left without a word").

 

All of her questions actions and comments to others and myself are of a love and hope with me, though on the other hand she does'nt want to talk or see me anymore.Still I am being very positive about any outcome now and I have so much hope of getting my sweets back. See when we parted we hugged and she caressed my hand and said beautiful things to me. I asked her if she could just say goodbye if she was really letting go. She playfully kicked me in the bum and frustrated said you can't always have your answers. I told her I loved her and left( we were both smiling). I know the no contact rule should go in to strong effect now, But does anyone think I have a chance once I am doing better in myself and she has regained her personal strength.

 

Thanks to everyone

Jamman

By the way I never gave her the gifts she gave me back, Guess I forgot to mention that to her.

[neallo82288]

You made a big mistake, by going over there, but I realize that you had to do what you had to do and I respect that. There may or may not be a chance, but you must totally come clean first. Are you going to AA? You know that you should be more concerned about getting cleaned up. What if you realize that she's never coming back, what then? Do you turn back to the drugs and alcohol? You must have the total strength to let her go and move on to save yourself. She may decide to get back together, but You have to realize that that will not happen until you are fully ready and have fully recovered. Cleaning up is a long and painful process and you have only just begun. Take life one day at a time and get yourself better. You do realize that you have a disease that is not curable, but controllable.

 

Good Luck and Keep us posted about your recovery

Neallo

 

P.S. PM me if you just need to talk to someone