Brokenhearted

[kynard]

Alright everybody, get ready for a whammy. My ex-boyfried and I met in highschool and he was two years younger than me. In my senior year of highschool we had a class together along with mutuall friends. Needless to say we hooked up and began what I thought would be a cool relationship. This was my first love and we did everything together. After graduation, I wasn't able to go to the college of my choice due to lack of funds. I took a semester off of school and stayed in my hometown. Our relationship thrived. Then I went away to Humboldt State and we began a new long-distance relationship. For four months everything was great. Then I returned home in May and planned to transfer to another local university so that I could be closer to him and my family. Things fell apart. He started acting strange. Little did I know that he had started using drugs heavily and his parents were breaking up. In july he told me that he felt like he wasn't in love with me anymore and broke up with me. We tried to stay friends but his drug addiction caught up with him and he flipped out. He was then sent to a rehab institution. We didn't speak for two months. One day out of the blue he called me when he had been let out on a pass to conduct personal business. We hung out and he told me that he really did still have feelings for me. For another 10 months I stuck by him while he went through his rehabilitation. A month or so before he was supposed to come home he told me that his therapaist told him that I was no good for him and that he should leave me alone. I was nothing but a good influence on him, i didn't do drugs, was in college, had my own apartment and car, and most of all had a plan for life. He then rejected me again. A couple of weeks later we reconciled. Soon after his release I was supposed to go to school in San Francisco. The day before I left he tells me that we were NEVER romatically compatible,he didn't want to be with me, etc. This was all done in a really rude way. So I said fine and went to San Francisco. Two weeks later I received a call. He tells me that he was scared and didn't know how to handle me leaving and wants to win me back. I said fine. For the next 4 months he was almost the perfect boyfriend. We visited eachother between Los Angeles and San Francisco. I came home for winter break(which was to be for 5 weeks) and things went haywire. The first night that I was back we had huge argument. For the next couple of weeks we hung out but not as much as I would have liked to. He went to work everyday while I was bored all day at home. We got into another fight and then he tells me that for the past couple of weeks he had been feeling like he didn't like me anymore. He also told me that he was depressed and didnt know what to do with his life. He felt disconnected with the world.The he proceeded to say that he" just didn't want me anymore and to get over it." I couldn't believe how cold he was acting after our three year relationship. He told me that there was no point in knowing me at all since he didn't like me romatically. He said that he was no good for me and that I should just move on.He certainly didn't act like he didn't like me. Also, his dad has a horrible track record of never being there for him or the family. He's literally packed up his things and moved out for months at a time when things got to be too rough for him at home. During my ex's rehab stint, his father didn't go to visit him for the entire year that he was there. Now that he's home, his father is trying to weasel his way back into his life by buying him guitars and accessories.Of course the entire family acts like nothing is wrong and they refuse(just like they did before he went to rehab) to acknowledge the problems.

 

questions: wny was he so mean to me in the end?

from what i've written, do you guys think that he really didn't like me romantically?

is a couple of weeks really enough time to come to that sort of conclusion?

[Rainswept]

kynard welcome to eNotalone

 

I have seen this situation all to many times, This is a vicious circle thats breaking your heart each time, If you really want to do you and your BF a favor, then you need to leave this relationship....it seems your friend has a heavy case of ambivalence , Where he doesn't know if the relationship is too good to leave or too bad to stay..I believe you should apply the "no contact" rule and in time I'm sure he'll get his life straight...in the meantime don't take this treatment....

 

regards ~rainswept

[pudgy55]

hey kynard, i got your pm! thanks for the support and i will try as hard as i can and follow what your suggestion.

 

now for my two cents on this... it looks like you've been on a hell of a rollercoaster ride with this guy. In a way, I've sort of been there, done that with my ex, althought i admit it was nothing compared to yours but i understand how you are feeling right now.

 

Like rainswept said, it's a vicious cycle that we all fall into in relationships. we argue, break up, get back together, happy happy happy for a couple of months and then it happens again. WHY? because the problem was never solved.

 

I don't konw whether you'll like my suggestion or not but it's purely my two cents and i hope that you'll listen to it. You told me yourself that i should get over my ex because it seems like he needs to do some growing up. well, i totally agree with you and it will be hard for me to try and walk away. That's why it's so heart-wretching for you right now to walk away.

 

You see that you guys have been together for so long, and even though there were bad times, there were good times also.. and because of our fears of loosing him and those "good times" we just don't want to move on.

 

Hey, you konw, we're probably having such a hard time getting over this because they were our first love and they showed us how it feels to be loved by someone. Then all of a sudden to have that love gone...well...no one wants that right? but hey, just think about it... if you can find someone that was able to give you that kind of love (which, honestly you and i both konw was love but there's room for more) if we can get over it, we will find ourselves, someone else who will give us love 100% more than our ex did.

 

I'm not trying to bash ur ex and say that he never loved you or anything like that. if you've read my previous posts, i've asked a similar question like that myself. I don't konw why he was mean to you in the end, i'm not your boyfriend, maybe it's just his way to fend you off and keep you away from him. but honestly, considering the emotional rollercoaster he led you through, i say you don't worry about that and just try and move on.

 

I'm sure he did love you i mean if he didn't love you, he could have cared less about you and wouldn't keep on going back to you. But then again, him not konwing what he really wants and having him treating you like a doormat is not what YOU want too. don't be his plan B, stop being so nice and self-less because he's obviously taking advantage of that.

 

and i can tell you right now that NO, it's not going to take a couple of weeks to get over him. I WISH...if it was that easy, i wouldn't have spent my last month here on a daily basis reading/writing posts about my ex and now come to a point where i just realize there's NOTHING I CAN DO....so.. now i'm goign to stop posting and whining...(well.. i'll try) and i'm going to kill time helping you guys out!

 

hope that helped u!

[bzborow1]

I think you just need to forget about this one and learn from your mistakes. Sure you guys had a lot of good times, but also a lot of bad ones, as do most relationships. Too much during break-ups we tend to sit back and analyze why it happened the way it did, and what we could've done better, and to a point that's good. You need to take a moment and just look to yourself and write down the things you could've done better. But do it from the context of bettering yourself for the next one! (note: you will probably see that most of this was not your fault)

 

Realize that this man has major problems. The drugs, the rehab, and I've got to assume this guys got severe depression to boot. And he was quite correct that he needs to be alone to figure himself out and better himself...but his problem was he was too weak to let you go and do it for himself.

 

I think also that a lot of times women like to change guys. You know, when you first start dating he's the slobby pizza-eating football watching couch potatoe...but you make him knowledgeable about fashion, blah, blah....well in my experience you need to find someone....not that you have to change...but someone who challenges you and tries to make you a better person.

 

well that's my two cents.

 

Bill

[secret_agent_man]

I agree with pretty much everything that's been said...

 

He's dragging you down, and although there may be feelings (even true love), sometimes things just don't work out. I know that's a hard one to swallow, but in reality, some people can be in love but be too different to work together.

 

I think he's confused, and you are more sure of who you are and what you want. He seems like he's going through that "big growing up" kind of thing, where you don't have any clue what's going on around you.

 

Why was he mean to you? Nobody knows, but it's not the first time... trust me. He probably just didn't know any better way of expressing himself; again, this has to do with growing up and maturing.

 

Did he like you romantically? I wouldn't doubt it. Keep in mind, though, that the heart and the mind are VERY different, and loving someone deeply doesn't always mean that you are compatable. I don't know in this case, but it seems you two have just grown apart, and he can't figure out the difference between what he knows, and what he feels. Feeling love or not for someone, and knowing that it will or won't work are completely different areas, but both combined to make or break a relationship. It seems you both care, but have differences as well, and he can't tell those two things apart right now.

 

Enough time? Not in most cases. People that start to hit the big maturing stage tend to start to come out of it, and think they've matured and figured out life. It is actually a long process, but that amount of time depends on the person. I would guess that he's starting to at least figure out what's good for him or not, but does not know what he wants or feels just yet.

 

So, to sum it all up, I'd say you're best to move on. It will be hard because he's left you so confused... but that's where friends come in. Don't play up to him, don't spill out to him, don't try to drag him back... let him do what he feels is best for him. Only then can he learn how life goes.

 

On the other hand, don't worry so much about him right now, focus on yourself, and what you can learn from all of this. Don't regret, don't become bitter to relationships, but figure out more of who you are. Keep your friends close, and keep your head up!

 

That's my advice, I hope I was of some help!

S.A.M.

[crookster_man]

Well, I've read some excellent response here so I won't beat a dead horse (who came up with that saying really). As to your question, your BF was probably mean to you because it is how he was feeling about the relationship. When you feel down and out (and you allow your emotions to control you), you generally act that way towards other. Your flipid relationship caused him and you great emotional stress this most likely resulted in his strange attitude towards you.

 

Quite honestly the best answer here is to cut your losses, reflect on the experience, gain what insights you can. Cry, heal and let go of the rage/anger/hurt. In time you will understand that this is the best thing for both of you.

 

There is a difference between fighting for a injured relationship or clinging onto a dead one. I wish you the best of luck, we will be here for you.

[SF_mike]

hi kynard,

 

Seems like he has a lot of issues to sort out...and you've seemingly done all you can to make this work by bending over backwards. As frustrating and hurtful as it is you need to take care of yourself. Sometimes when things are going bad people say/do things they don't really mean...you wouldn't have been off/on for 3+ years if he never had feelings for you in the first place...I'm sure you could see right through that if it was the case. It's so easy to say 'practice no contact' but it does eventually help you to heal...and you need to put yourself at the top of the list.

 

Hang in there.

 

Mike

[neva_black_n_white]

hey, so you were away for a pasrt time of when your boyfriend was dealing with being introduced into heavy drugs and the process iof his parents splitting up. ini itself this is something not easy to go through, im guessing that he got into drugs as he was depressed about the thought of his parents splitting up, in this time he could have convinced himself that he didnt want you as you werent there as much as he wanted you to be, thereforeeee not being as close, moving away and not wanting to be with you.

 

as for the rehab, again he was alone as you said his father didnt visit him, did his mum? so you were contacted obviously there are some feelings there and you must have been a support to him, one of the first signs of depression is DENIAL so take this into hand with some of the things that have happened. itrs likely he was alone, wanted comforting and realisation he got this from you but as weeks ent on and seeing his phychiatrist will have made him see things or believe things not neccessarily brought to the surface before.

 

you talk about being anything but bad towards him, but that in itself is not too rewarding to someone at one point may feel they have nothing at all, he is in rehab, parents are splitting up, has convinced him he doesnt want to be with you and after all that he sees you as perfect, like you said you didnt do drugs and you were in college etc, a rolemodel possibly, something he could not see in himself and you have it. this can become intense and not work out. ending up in him breaking up the relationship.

 

the love may be there but it may have lost what strength it had once,he must have had some feelings to make him come back and others to keep him away.

 

it was a bad way in how things ended, but it was prolonged. do you get tha? for example i was in a relationship that then ended, i sorry we prolonged it by doing things together (more than friends) and well this just tears you up inside as the emotions increase and you losse what you once desired and thought would never fall apart.

 

it did seem strange to end so quickly, but have you spoken to him? or is that it in what he says, just dont go back? he says though that he isnt good enough (i kind of link this as he sees you as having everything in comparison)

just a few thoughts.

 

hope this helps, and sorry if i analysed it wrong just my view, right?

kel

[crookster_man]

Hmm very interesting post. I agree with most of it, but there are a few points I don't agree with. Though I believe that we generally act in self destructive ways (groveling, pleading and whatnot) I disagree that we should act completely opposite of what we normally do. This is who we are, if we change everything about us it will only be a superficial chance. Thus the person we are trying to sell ourselves as is fake.

 

The other person should see the true us, who said we want the other person back anyways! If you do, I agree we should move on, put on a happy face and great the world... However, this shouldn't be completely forced or fake, in doing so we defeat the purpose - winning our mate back. Because even if we get them back, they will have falling for the fake us.

 

All in all, this post was very good and there is a lot to take from it, thank you for your insight.

[lil_mamarains13]

I did not read everyone else's post, but I will give you my opinion on this. When I was with the first guy I dated things were good. We dated for 3 yrs and 3 months. Things started getting out of control after a year or so. I hung in there being young and naive and so forgiving. We got older he had already been doing weed, but then he started to drink. Everyday almost he was drinking. He would emotionally abuse me and even sometimes physically abuse me. He had a father who abused him as a child, and abused his mother emotionally and physically also. I tried and tried to help him get past the pain and move on to a better future, but nothing I did helped him. He was crazy, and I am not exageratting. Then one day we really got into it and we broke up. Not a week later he was with another girl. Worse than that he was still knocking on my window at 2or 3 in the morning wanting to have sex. If I refused or said no he would either say he was going to break my window, mess up my truck or kill himself. It was a never ending vicious cycle that wasn't going to end unless something drastic happened. He even told me to kill myself one time while we were on the phone together. I stupidly listened. I was so far in the deep whole of depression I didn't know what to do. I wasn't sleep, I was eating, and I wasn't taking care of myself at all. I was telling his friends and brother that I would be dead or in a mental institue before I was 21. Because everything happened behind closed doors no one knew what I was talking about, and it wouldn't have mattered anyway. He told me if I left him or got with anyone else he would turn everyone against me and they would mess with me for the rest of my life (Destroying my property, harassing me, etc.). He even said he would kill the person I tried to get with. He threatened my family, me, my best friend, and my 3yr old godson (he was 2 at the time). It was pathetic. I finally was venting to my step sister on MSN Chat, and her mom found out what was going on and she called my mom. They picked me up from his house and I disappeared because I was scared of him. Finanlly I got my head back on straight and have grown to hate the emotional pain he has inflicted on me. I am dating one of his friends that I had hidden feelings for, for a long time. He had mutual feelings, and my ex has not even tried to hurt him. My point to telling this story is I think you may be leaving out some of your story or maybe you just haven't realized what he is really doing to you. Others refer to it as an emotional rollercoaster and that is all it is. You are only good for him when it is convenient for him. That is sad, pathetic, and sorry of him to do to you. He does need to grow up, and he may never change. I know my ex won't ever change. The emotional baggage from his past will always haunt him and it is only natural that he picks up on what his dad does, and will probably tend to follow that path. That is why he runs when things get rough, and you two argue instead of dealing with the problems then and there. I think the best thing you can do is live one day at a time. Go to school, work or whatever and focus on those things. Hang out with your friends, and just have nothing to do with him. I also wouldn't count on a future with him (not trying to hurt you), but if you do then you will only wind up getting hurt more and more each time. After this many times of breaking up and getting back together it is just time to say enough is enough, and it is time to move on to better things. You seem like a really good person, and you deserve a lot better. Cheer up because there are better days ahead, and as time goes by the pain slips away. Good Luck, and I hope I helped you.

[Michael2]

Key,

 

What a toughie. I received your PM and I will offer my opinion.

 

There is a wealth of information on this site, and many of the knowledgeable individuals on this site have offered some great, but difficult advice.

 

Knowing what I know now ( post breakup) I have to agree that this individual is not GOOD for you. I know you love him, you adore him; but unfortunately this is a downside of love. When you are in love you do not think correctly. You make excuses for someone's behavior, you hold them in high regard; as if they were on a pedestal. You idealize them, and that is the problem.

 

You are a noble and loving girl. You stood by him during the good and bad times, and that is quite commendable of you. Your ex was going through a very difficult time, and you were there for him. But, as with anything, sometimes life's people can take you for granted. They use you to make themselves feel better.

 

I know you do no want to hear what I am about to say, but in order for you to heal, and for him also, you have to stop calling him. You have to speak with him one last time, do not do it in person because it will be too difficult. Speak over the phone and tell him that you can not live your life like this anymore. You MUST break all contact. To be honest, I was told this when my relationship ended, and I did not listen. I was like you, I thought only about the GOOD times, and not the bad. Which is bad, bad bad. Take this as a life experience. You will become an even stronger individual.

 

When I first broke up, I felt the world around me crumble. I took it extremely hard, lost weight from lack of appetite, slept right when I got home from work. Worried my self-sick with thoughts of her and another. All I can tell you is that it will get better with time. I know you are telling yourself, "I hate when they say time"; but in all honesty it is the best statement, one that you must have faith in.

 

If breakups were easy, relationships wouldn't be as wonderful as they are. Believe me, you will find another loving mate, one who will love you for who you are. They will be appreciative of what you have to offer. THis boy is hurting you, and you dont see it. I didnt see it also, but one day you will see how much pain he has caused.

 

PS: For him to say that he did not ever love you romantically is a false and far fetched.

[sidehop]

Honestly the guy has emotional issues, almost sounds like he has clinical depression problem. You don't deserve to be treated this way. You stuck with him for so long but looks like a lot of things have changed after he got involved with drugs. As hard as it might be, I would leave him completely.

[hkm2001]

this guy is in a sense very ironic bc he is telling you things that you should be telling him. he's the one that no good for you ...he has no plan for life...and it seems like he has a very big drug addiction problem...the drugs may be the source of the problem...i've seen it happen to alot of my friends...drug use changes people's personalities...they become selfish and confused. to put simply, they become stupid and he doesn't seem like he even knows what he wants. i would say that you should just go on with your life bc u have turned back to his crap way too many times...i think he feels that he can say anything and everything to you irresponsibly and you will still be there for him at the end. you have to put your foot down and show him that you will not tolerate nonsense. go on with your life.

[woopsydaisy]

Hi........just read your post and its bound to devastate you.....and i know your still asking questions as to why he left and how he couldnt see how much you was there for him.The thing here is that you can do nothing about it you carnt force him to see that he made the wrong desion of waliking out..he has to see it himself....over time he will do if what you put in the post is correct.He just doesnt see things clearly at the moment ....the question is how much waiting around are you prepared to do?.you carnt wait for him forever.And like its been said in the other posts you can do better, and i know you dont want to hear that.

 

Im having trouble with my ex ......i still want to be friends and resume a positive relationship.....but she still has negative feelings about me...you carnt force people to care about you.you have to just give it time......and let him decide wether he wants a relationship with you..please dont keep on ringing him...this is the mistake i have made.and everytime i do this i keep on pushing her away.good luck.