Breaking up is hard to do

[Chupa Chup]

hello everyone who is reading this

 

this is my first time joining a forum like this and i came to know of this website a few days after my boyfriend of almost 5 years and i broke up. i just want to say to all those of you who have written about your personal experiences about your own relationships, how comforting to know that there are people out there who are experiencing the same heartbreak and sadness and hurt that i'm going through right now, that i'm not alone and that we all WILL eventually overcome the heartache and the pain.

 

my story is unlike any i have read (or you will read) because my ex-partner could never feel the love inside for me when we were together all that time so it was always a question of love and a 1 sided love. this man i was with, is the most kind, generous, warm, gentle, compassionate and wonderful man i have ever met. he is a true friend to his friends and has a heart of gold. he was everything i wanted in a man and i love and had loved him with all my heart and soul but how do you go on without love? i was his first relationship and it was only after 2 years into our relationship that he told me he's never knew what love was and he wasn't sure if what he felt for me was extreme care and concern or love we stayed together for another 2.5 years in the hopes that time would help him sort his own feelings out. however that period of time together was difficult and we often had fights about him because i guess i was impatient. we both tried as hard to help him. i was told when we broke up that even though he tried to make himself feel that love for me while we were together for 5 years that he couldn't feel it and he doesn't know why he can't feel it for me. we have been trying to find out what love is and i've tried to help him find out what it is. we talked to friends, the internet, books, anything we could think of but the best way i could show him what love was to ME, was the way in which i had loved him with my actions and my heart and soul. after almost 5 years, he decided to call it off because he didn't want to lead me on anymore. he said it wasn't fair and that he is angry with himself because he can't have what he wants (which is me) and he would be so filled with jealously and envy of the person that will eventually end up with me in marriage. he flew back to asia (where he works) 12hrs after he broke up with me and from what i have heard from my best friend, he is really confused, sorry and feels immense guilt for what he has done to me and for hurting me so much. i was in asia (that's where i come from but i live in australia now) with him for about 1 1/2 years and we were really close. i couldn't imagine how this relationship could ever have ended because he really told me and showed me how much he wanted to stay with me and work things out. there are no ill feelings of hate and name calling but only love (from me) and care, pain and hurt from him in this break up. he said what we wanted were so much alike and everything else was perfect for us to have a life together all but one single thing - feeling that love for me.

 

i have spent the past few days crying and getting the closure i need to move on. he's also said that if he ever did reflect and realize that he really does love me after all these years but never could admit it while we were together, then he said he'd come and find me, hunt me down and be with me. but for now, i am not hoping for that to happen. i just want to get over the hurt, heal my broken heart and move on. i know he's feeling very upset, guilty and hurt back in asia at the moment and is doing the best he can to cope by working hard and spending time with his friends.

 

does anybody out there have the same experience as i do? if so, i would appreciate your post and maybe you could have some good words of advice to help me and each other. another question, would someone like my ex-partner ever come to find love at all with someone else or with me? or is this a deep rooted personal issue he's got to take a while to sort out himself and nobody can help him? he won't see a counsellor or anyone. what should i do now? i am trying to heal inside but i am so worried for him at the same time. of course as a normal person would, i wish that he'd realize what love is and realize his true feelings for me and come back and hunt me down and find me one day but i know i'm not sitting and waiting for him to do that in the meantime. i told him that we could never be friends if he ever had someone else in time because it would hurt me too much to see them together. (he said that after this experience, it would be a long long time before he could ever start dating again) i just wish i was the one to have helped him find love for himself on the inside.

 

my dear readers and friends whom tho i have not met, your stories have really helped me to know that i'm not alone in this and that we can all support each other even if we are strangers in life. thank you for sharing your personal experiences with me. it has helped me a little bit. i hope that all the rest of you who are also hurting, that you will find the joy, happiness, peace and most of all, love in a good time God has planned for us. when the right time comes, i believe that we'll all eventually end up with the person we were meant to be with either with your current ex or someone new. i hope to make a few new friends here too. thank you for reading this long post and i look forward to hearing for you all soon.

 

thankfully,

chupa chup

[Caldus]

I do not have a story to tell because I have never been in a relationship, but that was quite a story! I can only imagine how devastating that would be. All of these break-up topics are making me have second thoughts about even having a girlfriend in the first place.

[Chupa Chup]

hi caldus

 

as sad as my story was, i couldn't even start to tell you of the kind of happiness, joy and euphoria of loving someone with all your heart and soul and entire being entails. please do not let these shared personal experiences of failed love deter you from falling in love with someone when you DO find that person ok? i am sure that this forum is not to discourage anyone from getting into one of life's most beautiful and special experiences but to read from others - their personal experiences and LEARN from them. everyone will tell you, you can never stop feelings from growing because things like that are beyond our control. i hope that when you do find that person and you come to love them, you will finally realize the type of happiness, joy and LOVE we all have experienced.

all the best to you.

[SpecialOne]

Greeting from a friend in Australia as well.

 

I can totally understand what you have gone through with your ex-boyfriend. Many years ago, similar situation happened between my ex-girlfriend and I.

 

No one can really be sure what would happen to our ex-boyfriend or girlfriend in the future. I guess it is just part of our learning experience in this life.

 

My advice to you is try to stay busy during your work or studies time and don't let our personal affair affect our life. If that is hard to do, then allocate a small amount of time to think about our relationship, say 20 minutes. After that, get your mind off it.

 

It would be best for you not to be yourself most of the time. Try to be around friends and family to do things to distract your mind from thinking about the relationship. Put all stuffs that remind you of him inside a box and secure it properly. There is no need to throw anything away. Eventually, you will know what you should do with the stuffs inside the box.

 

Allow yourself time to be single again. It is hard, given that we spent most of our time being together with that person and then that person is no longer there anymore. Being single is not that bad at all, as it allows yourself some time to understand yourself and see what sort of improvement you could do to improve your lifestyles, such as going to the gym, choosing a new hobby, etc.

 

I speak from experience being in a similar situation to yours and I am very happy now that I am single with lots of female after me. However, I allow myself to get to know them and I try to be honest with them at the beginning if I found that we can't work out.

 

Things will turn out for the best in yourself one day. Take one day at a time. Eventually, you will be find and will probably find new love soon.

 

Cheers.

[grieving]

Hi lady,

 

Wow. It is a heartbreaking story you've told. I admire your resilence and courage in trying to make the love of your life work and I admire your capacity for forgiveness.

 

I think given your maturity, wisdom and gentleness in helping this man and then letting him go, you're going to be fine. Whether you find love with this one, or with someone else, you seem to be too full of goodness to not find a way to happiness.

 

It seems to me that your man has a deep-seated inner issue; there seems to be something in him blocking a capacity to feel the deep depths of love and emotion. I know several men, friends of mine, who have often complained of a limited capacity for deep, moving feeling. I think its often the result of blocking out negative experiences until finally the positive ones stop getting through as well.

 

But, he clearly needs to find out what's going on with him - another friend of mine recently went through a similar issue and her ex is so sorry that he cannot produce the feelings of love in himself that he knows she wants and deserves. Her ex is the product of a difficult and distant family - I don't know what your ex's issues are, but it's good that he recognizes them and is willing to work on them.

 

Be kind to yourself for now - as much as you love this guy, you deserve to be loved the same way and you can't wait your whole life waiting for his psyche to straighten itself out. Take small steps towards letting him go.

 

You'll be ok.

 

With love,

 

grieving

[real amour]

Hi. I am a wife (with 2 kids also) but I am like your man. I believe your man lead you on unknowingly. He probably thinks the world of you, loves you, thinks you are the greatest person who puts his soul in the right place. You have healed his innerchild mainly (you must have had some motherly qualities to you) and he is ready to move on.

 

But he is just now realizing he needs to feel in love, that that intensity of feeling is missing from his life. He probably thought he could just love someone and the feelings would come or that that was enough (comfort, security, settling). However, they do not. I thought the same thing too and I am in a separation now.

 

Thoughts:

 

did you love him too much (in other words you played all roles for him), filled too many needs?

 

maybe he cannot feel more for you because you are a friend or motherly figure?

 

maybe your intimate life is based more on his feeling of guilt over true desire for you (you can't desire your mother unless you have the Oedipus complex)?

 

were there signs along the way that you both missed, but you held on to each other in a dependency (like you both needed each other vs. wanting each other)?

 

what do you think he needs to love himself and did he love himself in your relationship?

 

Better to let him go like me to let my husband go, go to find someone who can love him more than me. Good luck.

[kuhl282000]

Hello and Welcome

 

Thanx 4 sharing your story. Someone wrote a great song about "Breaking up is hard to do" and boy is it ever. As far as your ex finding out the true meaning of love. I know people write alot of books and with the internet they have so much stuff on love. It can boggle the mind.

Love is a feeling and you either have it of you don't. It is natural, it comes from your heart and your soul. People who have never been close to their family or developed a good support system of friends, have a much harder time than others. Now that he is gone and you are going through the healing process of a broken heart.I feel if he loved you he will go through the same process. The feelings you go through are many, depression, anger, confusion, regret, saddness, and just being lonely and missing him. The feelings come and go and they do not come in any order. They just come. and the only thing that heals you is time. I'm glad your not waiting for him, and want to move on. I know that is the wise thing for you do. I just over the holidays had an old love of my life just pop in after five years. It was great to hear from her, we arranged to get together over the holidays. We met, she looked great, we chatted (she wanted much more) and I'll never forget what she told me. She said I have thought of you often, and I did not realize what I lost until I lost it. She filled me in on what has been going on in her life, and all the losers she has been dating. She wanted to really get back together, and you know what I once had very strong feeling for this woman. But they were long gone. I was searching deep in my soul looking for the old good feelings. But to much time had passed and things had changed. And they changed my feelings. I'm really sorry for your loss, I went through a heartbreak myself. And I was sick for weeks. But it really does get better. I prayed alot, and it really seemed to help. I used to go to a very small chapel with stained

glass, and just sit trying to calm myself and get my peace back. I talked to someone alot bigger than me. and I asked him to take away the pain.

I lived in Asia myself for several years, and I know how kind and caring the people are. I had to seek professional help when I broke up, I was so torn up. And they told me. I was to nice. how do you figure that ? Love is a strange feeling, but when you have it you know it. And you knew it.

I wish you the best in the healing process. And like you I would never be able to be friends. I had to move on. It would have hurt even more. So give it some time, stay busy, take care of yourself, eat right, and above all get some rest.

 

Warm Regards

Kulh

[emptiness]

Oh Chupa Chup!

 

That is my exact story down to the ground. How do you deal with the person you love being upset and crying their eyes out because they want to love you, but say they just dont - despite having tried for ages. How do you deal with it when you are so hurt yourself????

 

I've only been with my bf for 2 years, and he didn't tell me his doubts he was so certain that I was the one for him.

 

Worse still, everyone we know, including his family who I am very close to, believe that we are made for each other. His sister was in total shock when we spoke about it.

 

The hardest part is that we still have not "officially" split. It is probably just an excuse but he has had a rough time at work and is still recovering from a serious back operation - which is depressing him as he can't get out and be sporty as he usually is.

 

I don't know how we are going to do this, he doesn't want to break up but doesnt want to give me false hope that we could try, because he's been trying so hard for so long and it hasn't worked. I think he is just waiting for me to make the move, which I know I have to be strong and make... but I keep telling myself - maybe next week. Its so horrible having the inevitable just hanging over me like this.

 

I think I'm still in a state of shock. We are perfect together in every way. I still don't know if I believe this is really happening to us.

 

Anyway, I was shocked to read your post and see someone else in an identical situation. I am also from Australia, so thats spookily coincidental as well. I sincerely hope things get better for you. and send all the best luck and wishes your way.

[Jordan42]

Even though your post made me cry, I'm glad you shared this with us. Your post and the replies it has generated has helped me.

 

I am feeling how your boyfriend is feeling. I don't understand why I don't love my husband as he loves me, I just know that I don't. We have a lot in common and get along great. I always imagined we'd be together until we died. I care for him a lot and want to help him, but I'm the one hurting him. I know the best thing is to leave him alone so he can heal, but it is really hard.

 

I am really sorry that you have to go through what my husband is going through. It is an awful thing. I hope my post has helped you as yours helped me, even though I don't really have any advice to give you.

 

Best wishes to you. *hug*

[Chupa Chup]

i just want to say to those of you who have read my story and those of you who have taken the time and trouble to post me a reply or a private message: THANK YOU for all your words of comfort, advise, encouragment, for sharing your own personal experiences with me, for telling me what its like coming from the OTHER side and for your prayers and thoughts. (even though we are total strangers)

 

i always believe there is light at the end of this dark discouraging tunnel. i know that i am walking through this dark tunnel now and i will make it through with time and with much of God's help and prayers. i have been through the death of loved ones too, will in the future have to deal with more discouraging and sadder heartbreak and loss but God helps us though it with his own mysterious way. this will help me be a stronger person and that maybe i can use the lessons and strength i have been given to help others in their difficult times.

 

i am so glad we can find in each other, some comfort, words of encouragment and HOPE in the words and experiences we write about. this wonderful, kind, beautiful man, with his heart of gold is hurting and feeling so guilty somewhere in asia right now but he'll always know that a piece of my heart and my love will always belong to him for keeps no matter where he is, no matter who he's with, whenever he's sad and lonely, he knows he can always lean and go to this piece of love he has from me and find his comfort and hope there. he says he will never forget me, i hope that he will always keep me in his heart of gold. i thank God for having sent me this beautiful, warm and gentle man into my life. maybe one day, when this pain shall pass, we can reunite again and maybe be friends again. but for now, time is needed for all the pain and hurt to heal. time is what he needs to sort himself out on the inside as a person. i wish this man all the love in the world as i have loved and still do love him with all my entire heart and soul.

 

please don't feel shy and drop me a line if you want ok? you can also send me private messages. i look forward hearing from you. thank you again to those people out there who have shared with me. i wish you much happiness, joy, laughter in your lives and most of all, LOVE.

 

xoxo

chupa chup