was wondering

[istillluvu06]

Just a question, Does it give the dumper power knowing that you still love them? I mean basically that they could have you back at any time?

Even if we still love them should we tell them we dont love them anymore? I offered an apology for my part in relationship probs, but I doubt he will ever admit any wrong doing. I feel he is getting away with hurting me so badly in the end, like I deserved it or punishment.

I was even nice enough to say I would be there if he ever needed to talk. Now I regret saying that. I do not contact him anymore, He will text once in awhile because we still have some loose ends. He still has not returned my clothes and personal belongings.

I guess my question is, Is it better to tell the ex you have no feelings for them anymore even if you do? Tired of making him feel like it was ok to do what he did to me in the end, like he was justified. I dont know. I feel like it takes away my dignity for him to know I even care anymore. It's like he can just get on with his life and never acknowledge his part in this mess. ](*,)

[chopperboy]

I think it does give the exes some power and some ego boost to know that we still love them. That said, you telling your ex a lie serves two purposes - it protects your pride, and it (maybe) hurts theirs. But, it could have some other effects... If, say, your ex feels guilt over hurting you, you telling him that you don't feel anything may free him from that guilt.

 

Ok, what I'm saying is this: you saying anything to your ex just means that you're still reacting to and involved with what they think. That's a bad thing. Just go NC, and work on getting to indifference. That's where you really want to be - indifferent to anything having to do with him.

[istillluvu06]

Thx Copperboy.....No I definatley do not want to give him any ego boosts, he seems to be arrogant enough with the constant blaming me for everything. I guess it makes him feel justified or what ever. Yes indifference sounds great right about now.

I may never get my day in court so to speak, there is so much I wish I could get out. Prob never will.

[chopperboy]

I know how you feel. I often talk in my head through everything I would like to say. But, I know that talking to her wouldn't really give me any closure. The closure is in my head - I have all I need to let go and not care. I'm working on making indifference happen. NC is helping.

 

(Or, if not indifference, then at least lack of romantic love. I will always wish the girl the best, even though she ripped my heart out.)

[istillluvu06]

I always wondered that If there is real love then someday down the road, who knows. I guess the old saying that if it was meant to be it will be. Does anybody really believe in that??

[chopperboy]

I don't know about "if it was meant to be it will be", but I do believe that if both people WANT it to be it will be. It may happen down the road that the desire to reconnect comes up in both people, but we can't put our lives on hold waiting for it.

[auburnslp]

Yes it is my opinion that you are spending time worrying about something that you cannot control. Basically who cares what he thinks right now? He lost you, you are worthy of love, and I know how hard this is but it's time to start moving forward, instead of looking back. My best...

[auburnslp]

and I do totally believe the statement that if it's meant to be it will be.

[yankeefan74]

I don't know about "if it was meant to be it will be", but I do believe that if both people WANT it to be it will be.

 

I think that point is huge. It's easier for some people to walk away now...find someone else to have that honeymoon period with rather than actually work at a relationship. It's too old fashioned, I guess, to work together and hold on to each other.

 

My ex actually said to me "I know that the things that irritated us were small, but we shouldn't have had to work them out, they should have just worked themselves out."

 

I politely told her that she was out of her mind. lol

[istillluvu06]

It is hard for me because I feel alot of guilt too for the relationship going bad. But I do know in my heart the person that he really did lose in me. I honestly don't think he will find the loyalty and love he had with me, especially on the stupid internet.

Thx AUBURNSLP, I should'nt care what he thinks, he sure doesnt care about me or the mess he left me. Just sad.

[auburnslp]

I love your signatur quote. Profound, sweet, true. Start believing it and living it, as best you can. You'll be ok sweet. Just takes some time.

[auburnslp]

but sweet-you need a new username. How about "IusedtoloveyoubutI'mmovingforward06"

[istillluvu06]

Yankeefan74....That brings me to the other point. Hmmm disposable relationships, Disposable people. If things get rough toss it and find a new one????

Unreal thats why the divorce rate is so high. Nobody really stands by anyone.

What happens when the honeymoon stage is over in the next relationship?? Throw that one in and get a new one??

Things don't work out themselves it takes 2 people who are willing to really work at it. It's not easy but I never believed in giving up.

[yankeefan74]

Ha! My ex said something similar.

 

 

It's infuriating...like we're all supposed to have these Sleepless in Seattle type deals...

 

I've never believed in the meant to be stuff. I think people have a connection when they meet...and that connection either grows into the kind of bond that is permanent, or it doesn't.

 

Whether people stay together or not depends on whether they don't take that bond for granted, even if it's really strong. I don't think you can just sit back and say "Well, we're fighting...but if we're meant to work it out, then things will just be okay in a couple days. "

[hisoldflame]

Just a question, Does it give the dumper power knowing that you still love them? I mean basically that they could have you back at any time?...

Even if we still love them should we tell them we dont love them anymore?

 

](*,)

 

from my vantage point as the dumper, i would say, no, not at all. in my case, i felt tremendous guilt about splitting with my guy after 13 years. i felt like an unloyal and selfish person; like i wasn't giving it my all when i needed to most. and believe me, there were times when i wanted to go back, and really wanted to have him ask me to come back. he understandably pulled back, but it was still hard to take. it made me feel tremendously dirty and disposable, as if in the end, the relationship really wasn't anything meaningful to him. that dynamic brewed for a while for several months after the breakup. he was super-depressed and i knew i was to blame for it all.

 

it was extremely difficult admitting to myself that i was unhappy and wanted a different life for mysel; that the relationship was holding me back. it took me 2 years to even consider leaving. so i felt extremely weak and powerless when i had to confront the issue. it took a lot of guts to actually say the words 'i want to end this.'

 

i suppose everyone has to tend to themselves when they have been let go by someone, so the decision of whether or not you tell your partner you loved them varies. i did want to hear it, and did hear it. but i didn't want to see my ex grovel, either. i felt terrible for him. also, i wanted him to understand why i i was leaving. the reasons for getting back together didn't always seem like sound ones when he'd bring them up. and actually, i don't think i heard the words 'i love you' or 'how could you do this to US?' enough during the point btw'n the split and nc. it was always more 'how could you do this to ME?' the fact that he couldn't see that this was my statement on US and how the relationship had deteriorated irked me, because he couldn't see how much i was hurting taking the stance i took.

 

neither side of a relationship break-up is a good one. each is fraught with its own emotional upheavals and can bring out the worst in people. being the one who initiates the breakup is a really crap spot to be in. there is no joy in telling someone that you want to leave them and knowing that you've hurt and scarred them.

[itsallgrand]

I guess my question is, Is it better to tell the ex you have no feelings for them anymore even if you do? Tired of making him feel like it was ok to do what he did to me in the end, like he was justified. I dont know. I feel like it takes away my dignity for him to know I even care anymore. It's like he can just get on with his life and never acknowledge his part in this mess. ](*,)

 

I think it's better if you just don't talk about it anymore. It's hard to accept - it's over.

 

But there is nothing left to talk about once that decision has been made.

 

If you do insist on pushing it, and wanting a "day in court" so to speak, it'll just bring frustration and pain to you.

 

Whether it's in your face or under the guise of "just being nice" - it's a way of trying to work on a relationship that is in fact over. So it's not nice, in that it is not recognizing what the other person is saying.

 

Looking for an outlet for the anger, and grief, and all that from him, and for him to help resolve that for you - not realistic. He can't . He's the one who left. He can't heal that stuff for you or be the one to comfort you anymore.

 

It's hard, no doubt, but the only thing to do is walk. Focus on you. Nip those thoughts that center around him in the bud.

 

Let him think whatever he wants to think. Let him do whatever he is going to do. Realize you have no control over that anyways.

 

Letting him "get away" with something, I have some experience with that. When I found out my ex cheated, immedietly my mind wanted vengeance. How could I just let it go without doing anything to make him pay?

 

Eventually I realized that the more energy I put to him, the less there was for me. Letting that go is for yourself, not the other guy.

 

And, there is a sort of divine justice that sorts out people anyways. If they have truly done wrong, you don't think they'll get the rewards of that sort of behavior? It's just natural process, not tainted with all the emotions. Just the way life works.

 

Start the process of acceptance and moving forward.

 

Dealing with normal anger that comes with it is part of it. But it's your anger. So it is up to you to work it through.

[yankeefan74]

Yankeefan74....That brings me to the other point. Hmmm disposable relationships, Disposable people. If things get rough toss it and find a new one????

Unreal thats why the divorce rate is so high. Nobody really stands by anyone.

What happens when the honeymoon stage is over in the next relationship?? Throw that one in and get a new one??

Things don't work out themselves it takes 2 people who are willing to really work at it. It's not easy but I never believed in giving up.

 

yeah, i think it's easy to tell when little issues are a personality conflict that will never go away, as opposed to something that can be talked about and worked through.

 

Infidelity, lack of communication, finances, different goals/lifestyles...these are things that difficult to get through, in most cases they'll probably lead to a breakup.

 

My ex and i never fought about anything remotely important in the overall scheme of things. We both wanted the same things...but we also both made mistakes. Should they have broken us up? I don't think so, she obviously did.

 

It just amazes me that so many people, who are actually really good for each other...and really healthy for one another, manager to get their heads all twisted around by everything under the sun until they reach the point where they "need space" and they "aren't sure" they're "ready for a serious relationship right now."

 

I think people talk themselves out of love just as much as they talk themselves into believing they've found it.

[chopperboy]

It's easier for some people to walk away now...find someone else to have that honeymoon period with rather than actually work at a relationship.

 

So very true :sad:

[auburnslp]

OK, I will be the first to admit that relationships take work. But I also agree with the "it's too hard" statement in some cases. If you are fighting all the time and working on the relationship constantly, then it's not a good one. My statement on this is always "love shouldn't be hard". Disagreements happen. Productive communication fixes it, fairly quickly. Constant bickering/fighting/name calling? That's too hard, and love shouldn't be that hard.

[istillluvu06]

All so true. It's amazing how many people are going through this. I feel so bad but yet not so alone. I wish we could all feel better, in time I suppose.

[auburnslp]

yes sweet. In time. You are clearly intelligent and clearly have so much love to offer. Soon you will receive, as well, and it's gonna be better than you could possibly imagine.

[yankeefan74]

If you do insist on pushing it, and wanting a "day in court" so to speak, it'll just bring frustration and pain to you.

 

I would have to agree with this. My ex was basically willing to talk about anything. And all i heard was ridiculous excuse after ridiculous excuse. What i realized is that nothing she said was important - what she did really mattered. And what she did was pull away from me.

 

I didn't get any of the answers i was seeking. I got a lot of excuses that sounded as though she was trying to convince herself more than anyone else. It just led to more questions, more confusion, more pain.

 

My ex contacts me all the time...we broke up on July 1st, it's August 3rd, she's with someone new...and she's called me at least 30 times, whether i'm home, out with friends, at work, etc. Even if i don't answer 25 of the calls, i still pick up 5 times just to make sure she doesn't get pissed. Not because i don't want her mad at me, but because we work together and i don't need office drama on top of everything else. lol

[auburnslp]

dude, lesson learned-I had to learn it the hard way myself...Never go fishing from the company pier...

[yankeefan74]

OK, I will be the first to admit that relationships take work. But I also agree with the "it's too hard" statement in some cases. If you are fighting all the time and working on the relationship constantly, then it's not a good one. My statement on this is always "love shouldn't be hard". Disagreements happen. Productive communication fixes it, fairly quickly. Constant bickering/fighting/name calling? That's too hard, and love shouldn't be that hard.

 

Yeah, i agree that the name calling, bickering...if it's happening all the time, there's just a personality conflict, or some sort of insecurity that should have been addressed long before you got to a year, two years, etc.

 

With my ex, being in love, for either one of us, was not the problem. It was the communication that went away. I'm specifically talking about people who don't want to put in any effort at ALL...they just want that honeymoon period where it's all candlelight dinners, flowers, passion and intrigue.

 

SOmetimes, you have to sit down and talk through things and it's not going to be pleasant.

 

I absolutely agree with the statement that if you're in a relationship and you never fight, then you're still in the initial stage, or someone is just allowing themselves to get walked all over.

[desi1987]

Natural Process a.k.a Karma?