Am I wrong???

[7li7ja]

I need to know if I am wrong in this situation. I feel like a selfish, controlling monster. I can’t take it.

 

I posted last week regarding my boyfriends family (his mother in particular.) For the record, I'm not trying to make her out to be the bad guy. She really is a nice and loving woman who goes out of her way to help others but, enough is enough.

 

Ok, so here's the situation. Earlier in the week my boyfriend (of 4 years) and I made plans to go to dinner with our friends. FYI - Our friends live about 40 minutes away from us and the restaurant is about 40 mins from them. We have reservations tomorrow at 5:30.

 

As I said in my last post, my boyfriend’s whole family teaches. His mom got him and his brother jobs as teachers in the same district as her. Occasionally they have to go to these dinner party that the mayor throws. Supposedly it helps them to further their teaching careers. These dinners are usually during the school year and his mom will give them some kind of notice beforehand.

 

Well, this morning his mom calls him for a favor and then tells him about a dinner tomorrow at 3 or 3:30 (I can’t remember which.) She only bought 2 tickets and she wanted him to go with her. My boyfriend tells her we have plans and he can't go, so she asks him if he could go for an hour or so just to "show his face." He apparently tells her no again. I’m not exactly sure how this all played out bc I am at work.

 

Anyway, I get a call from my boyfriend telling me the situation. I calmly say "Well, we have plans. I don't understand why she couldn't give you more notice, especially if it was so important for you to be there." He starts freaking out saying “I know, I know!!! I told her already!! I can't take this. I can’t take all this pressure!!!!" and hangs up.

 

Long story short, I call him back and he tells me that he already yelled at his mom, told her no and that she needs to give him more notice next time. He says that both his mom and I are putting too much pressure on him and that I need to be more understanding.

 

This comes on the heels of a conversation we just had last night where we were discussing going to couples counseling. I was asking him if he could set some boundaries with his mom so that she wouldn't be so heavily involved in everything. He says he doesn't know what boundaries he should be setting. At first I said that its stuff we've talked about before and I didn't want to get into it. Since we never see eye to eye on the matter, I feel like it’s something I'd rather talk about in front of a counselor. I figure a neutral party will help us to compromise on the matter. He kept pressing me for examples so I tried to explain some things that bothered me. For example, her involvement in our vacation plans, her constant phone calls with certain "worries" (mind you he lives at home..) and the fact that he still has a joint bank account with her. The conversation got a little heated but then died down shortly after. We agreed that, if we want to stay together, these are issues that we need help resolving.

 

Anyway, back to today. He's not going to the dinner with his mom tomorrow but now I feel like I am the bad guy. She said she'll just go with her husband (my bf's father) which is what I would have expected in the first place.

 

I just don't know what to think anymore. I'm really starting to feel like I am wrong for asking him to set boundaries and I hate that he feels so much pressure. I just want us to have normal relationship. It’s gotten to the point where, if we fight, 90% of the time it’s over his family.

 

I literally feel sick over this. Has anyone else experienced this? Was there every any kind of resolution?? Do I have a right to tell him to set boundaries?

[liquer]

I think you do have the right to ask him to set boundaries if it is causing you problems, but you at it from his position the poor guy is stuck in the middle.

 

Whatever he does, he's going to be the bad guy.

 

but you need to stadn up for yourself in this relationship and make it clear where the boundaries are and that they need to be repsected.

[Mutley]

You are totally in the right....feel no shame or guilt. He needs to cut mommy's apron strings.

[yellow_sweater]

Gosh, what a situation. He sounds like he's really conflicted. It must be hard to be dating two people (your boyfriend AND his mother).

 

May I ask how old he is? If he is younger (late teens, early twenties) it's understandable that a parents might be more involved in one's life...

 

Do you know much about his family background? How about the dynamics between his parents?

[7li7ja]

My boyfriend will be 26 in 2 months. For the most part, he is a responsible adult who is more than capable of taking care of himself but, often he chooses not to.

 

His family dynamic- His mom is basically the caregiver for everyone in his family. He lives with his parents in the brand new house they built along his grandmother and his 30 year old newly wed brother and sister-in-law. I’ve also been staying with him for the past few months after losing my apartment. His father spends most of his time taking care of his parents who happen to live 2 blocks away.

 

Aaaand as I type this I'm feeling totally defeated bc I'm obviously in a relationship with a man who will never see anything wrong with this situation bc it’s all he knows.

 

Is couples counseling even worth it? I just don't know anymore. Maybe I'm the one who needs counseling. My boyfriend is my best friend. I love him so much but I really don't know if I can take this. I hate sticking him in the middle. I don't like putting pressure on him. I just feel like this thing with his mother will never end.

[Mutley]

what's that quote...

 

a man must leave his parents and cleave to his wife...or something like that.

[7li7ja]

lol.. yea.

 

What if his parents don't ever let go?

 

I don't have children. I don't understand what it means to be a mother. However, I would rather never have kids then to treat my adult children as if they were 10.

[Mutley]

It's on him to make the boundaries. It's an unhealthy situation and one that will drive you crazy if it's not taken care of. Counciling would be a good thing...if he refuses and doesn't want to change...then you have a decision to make.

[giggle3474]

Well you have 2 choices. One is that you accept that as long as you are with him, his mother is always going to be closer than you want her to be. OR you could dump him and find someone who isn't so dependent on his mom. I know its a really tough situation for you both but as long as he doesn't see a problem with it, it is useless to get him to try and compromise. I would say you need to pick your battles. Would it have been a big deal to reschedule with your friends? Im not saying that you should always rearrange your life for her but just in order to keep the peace. That way you aren't putting pressure on him and chances are, he'll recognize what his mom is doing and put his foot down...eventually. = )

[7li7ja]

My first (silent) reaction was to reschedule the dinner. However, this weekend is basically the only weekend we can do it bc next weekend we will be at a festival and the following weekend we will be on vacation. The vacation, to Florida, was his mothers "suggestion" although she knew that I had been looking at cruises and was close to booking one. However, since she was in Florida and thought it was soooo nice down there, she convinced my bfs brother (and eventually my bf) that we should go there.

 

We are not only going to Florida but we are going to the same exact place in Florida, hotel and all, as his parents.

 

In my mind, Florida is all the rescheduling I can take this month. Especially, considering that I had spent WEEKS researching cruises, prices and ports AND had discussed all this with her right before she left for her vacation.