My girlfriend hates sex

[EROSPETE]

...with me anyway.

 

It all started out so well. We hook up, got to know each other, started getting close. After a few months we we are pretty serious and we have sex. It started kinda slow, the sex that is. A few weeks would go by and we would do it again, then on a more regular basis, like 4-5 times a month. That did not last long.

 

After about a year we moved in together and I thought it would get better. We would have more time for each other and more opportunity to be intimate. Not the case. We got down to 1-2 times a month, sometimes less. We talk, she says that she understands and will try to be more "in tune" to my needs, but then nothing. I then got to the point where I was just begging for it and she just would act like it was a hassle. We would do it and she would seem to enjoy it very much.

 

Another year goes by and the frequency just keeps going down. We are now talking like every 2-3 months, no kidding! We are now at the point where in the past year I think we had sex about 5-6 times (you would think I would know exactly as often as it happens).

 

Now it's gotten to be this big thing. I try to talk about it with her but she doesn't seem to want to. She just gets all frustrated and acts like its all I am interested in and that I just have to get over it. It's just unbearable any more and I don't know what I can do. It seems to me like she just doesn't care about what I want. At times, it almost seems like she will do anything to avoid a situation that may lead to sex. A while back, we had a good talk and decided that we would try to do it 3 times a month, and I was ok w/ that, but it only lasted like 2 months (if that), then went right back to 2-3 months.

 

I REALLY need help! I have run out of ideas at this point. I kept telling myself that it would get better but it has been over 3 years and has only gotten worse. We have a good relationship but is suffering because of the sex issue. If you can name it I have probably tried it. Romance, candles, dinner, bubble baths, movies, toys, weekend getaways, etc. I would hate our relationship to end because of it but am now at the point where I feel it's the last thing I can do. Whenever I try to bring it up and just talk she gets all mad and says that she's not talking. Then, if we do something romantic she will tell me not to expect anything, even though I didn't bring up sex in the first place.

 

and now for the worst part. We were talking about sex the other day, everything was OK, and she then admitted to me that she maturbates! WHAT?!?, I'm thinking to myself. I just don't get it (pun). She does seem to enjoy it when we do have sex, so why is she so afraid to do it?

 

any advice would be much appreciated.

 

Thanks for listening,

[enadevoli]

i think that she maybe has a problem with it or some thing & shes not telling you. obviously some thing is going on. maybe she just is never in the mood to actaully have sex. maybe shes worried about getting pregnant, or maybe she feels guilty about it. some thing is going on with her. i really don't know what to tell you. part of me thinks that you should just respect the fact that she doesn't want sex some times & part of me wonders about it. do you ever do anything intimate anymore?? if you don't, then you should have a talk with her about that. i don't think that you should be trying to get her to have sex with you, i mean i suppose for you, you are lucky, some people wait for marriage. every one has different levels in their interest in sex & it seems that she just doesn't want it as much as you do.

[bdub]

I'd suggest that there is something deeper going on here that is bothering her. I couldn't say what it is, but she may not feel supported by you emotionally. I'd pick up a book on communication/relationships and start reading how to connect with her on a deeper emotional level. Keep in mind that sex has different meaning to women than it does to men. I know this is a huge generalization, but it is true. There is a lot more "wrapped up" in sex for women than there is for men.

 

For instance, once, only once did I have an argument with my ex after having sex. It wasn't over anything big, and we were fine afterward, but when we broke up, she dug back and brought that up when it was more than six months later. I had all but forgot about that incident. But it was one of the reasons for breaking up.

 

Pick up a book on relationship communication. There is a lot of good information out there that might help you.

 

Best Wishes,

bdub

[The Morrigan]

I agree with bdub - odds are the root of it isn't sex per se.

 

Having been in this position, the more emphasis gets placed on sex, the worse it gets. And the guilt at not wanting to/not being in the mood because of a bunch of little things that erode away at the feelings that make you want to have sex add a nice dose of guilt to the mix - also not helpful to a nice sex life.

 

Example, in my case, it was mostly the little things that did the most - and made an overall picture that what I wanted was secondary to what HE wanted. I'd get griped at for being on the computer - yet he'd play computer games for hours on his. I'd get flak if I changed the channel on the tv to something I wanted to watch even if he'd left the room for 1/2 hour - yet I'd go to the bathroom when I was watching something and come back to the channel I'd been watching having been changed. And I'd end up picking up behind both him and the kids - it was like a damn trail where everyone had been, empty pepsi bottles, wrappers in the kitchen, you name it. Candlelight and romance wasn't what I wanted, what I wanted and tried to explain would be more romantic was days here and there to cater to MY needs, to get a little energy back, and a little more esteem, so I'd feel more inclined to feel romantic. Believe me, when little things are getting on your nerves, the last thing you want at times is to feel like your butt hitting the mattress is time for a session of having to say "I'm really not feeling interested in sex" and having to try to explain it at that moment when it all sounds like petty reasons!

 

Especially since it's gone down since you moved in, try and step back and look at any patterns you've fallen into, things you might take for granted she doesn't mind that could be seen as what she wants mattering less, or parts of your day where she might feel she's not getting the same consideration, or is taking the bulk of the responsibility, for something.

 

Sometimes the MOST romantic gestures can be "hey, I know you usually do laundry on Saturday, why not just let me bring you breakfast in bed, read that novel you haven't had time for, and I'll take care of it? Come down when you're ready, take a break for yourself!" I know, doesn't fit with the candlelight and romance - but there's a world of care implied in noticing there's something you do routinely, that might be appreciated for someone else to do sometimes, knowing it's not taken for granted after all!

[real amour]

Hello Erospete. I am exactly like the your girlfriend. I even got married and had two kids. From the beginning, I had turned off my sex drive because when I started liking someone, they never liked me back or whatever. I took sexual feelings right out of there. BUT I got a really nice guy who loved me dearly, so nice that the first time we had sex, it was because of guilt. I was in this terrible vulnerable place. We have continued exactly in this manner and for 9 years I have not enjoyed relations and have tried everything and I am a very sexual, attractive, smart girl. I thought things would just get better with effort or that it didn't matter in favour of other more important values, Our relationship to me now is over.

 

The other posters have good ideas but I would add these questions:

Ask her this flat out: ARE YOU ATTRACTED TO ME, yes or no?

 

ARE YOU ATTRACTED TO OTHER MEN?

 

HAVE YOUR GOTTEN AROUSED BY OTHER GUYS IN THE PAST?

 

WHAT IS HER RELIGIOUS/MORAL UPBRINGING AND PARENTAL MODEL?

 

WOULD YOU RUN AFTER ME IF I LEFT YOU?

 

DO YOU THINK WE REALLY CONNECT INTELLECTUALLY, EMOTIONALLY AND SPIRITUALLY?

 

You will not want the answers, but you must get them out of her for both her and your self-respect. If not, you must tell her to go to therapy because she should see a professional. Trust me, I had issues prior to marriage that I did not even know and the situation was pretty much the same as you and God I wish I had faced them earlier. Something will erupt later on and either you or her will have some sort of affair, then there is no going back.

 

I think she just doesn't like sex with you and she cannot tell you because you are no doubt wonderful and the man she may want to marry. The nicer you are the more she feels guilty and so she is with you because of guilt, not desire, need, not want.

 

I have lived through this and now just envision his pleasure and me not mine. While not sexual abuse, I believe I have lived a sexual trauma because I cannot face real sexual feelings with other men who were not Mr. Right types.

 

I have everything in my relationship except good intimacy. It is not normal, your primal needs must be satisfied. Women deserve the joy of sex and they should seek why they are avoiding it. You or you may not be the cause. Please address these very critical warning signs of trouble.

 

Good luck.

[Beec]

Something needs to give here, or you are in for a rough future. I have a good friend who after years of marriage has never seen his wife naked. Why? I don't know. But they went into a nasty spiral, downhill, ofr which I see onlyone end: divorce. He wants sex everyday. She seems to never want it. Eventually, he had a one-night-stand with another woman, simply because he could not resist when a pass was made at him. Whose right? Neither. She needs to address why she does not want sex, and he was wrong to fool around. The spiral down continues.

 

You need to address this issue one way or another. Your approaches can be one of a few. Go back in for the romance and act like you don't care if you have sex. Demanding it or doing something that she sees as a demand may be an issue, so being romantic without a demand or care may work. Or the exact opposite tact may work, come home one day and act like you just cannot keep your hands off of her, grab her, kiss her with some force, do it again, try to get her turned on, then act like you don't want sex. Sit her down and ask her what does turn her on. Find out what she thinks about when she masturbates, then create it. Get someone else to do it, such as one of her friends. Or just go straight to counselling, probably the way to bring the issue home, unless you are just dumping her. Something is going on in her head, and you either need to find a way around it or solve it. A relationship with no sex is incomplete, even if both want it that way.

[Ash]

I have one additional thought. Are you ever affectionate toward her without wanting sex? I mean, to you ever just walk up to her, and give her a big, long hug, and leave it at that? Of spend a few minutes kissing without expecting her to go to bed? I got myself into trouble this way, every contact wound up with me wanting to jump into bed with my wife, and she got tired of it. She felt she couldn't touch me anymore without being prepared to have it go all the way, so she stopped trying.

 

I learned the hard way that romance and affection shouldn't always end up going the way I tended to push things. There's likely an inherent pressure and promise when you do those romantic things that there's an ultimate goal in mind.

 

Perhaps you're not like this, but if you are, give some thought to it.

 

Another thing, if she likes to masturbate, ask her why, and let her know that you'd like to do just that with her the next time she feels so inclined. In other words, let her determine what, and how much you do in your next encounter. In fact, a modification of the no contact rule can work. If you decide between the two of you to have a heavy petting session as opposed to a full sexual encounter one day, don't give in part way through. See if the next day she suggests doing something again. If you back away (if you can) but are still affectionate, caring and loving, she may take the lead for once.

[Bonez]

I have been dating my girlfriend for almost 4 years, and she is smart, cute and i definitely see her as the mother of my children. But, we have intamacy issues and i guess it might stem from her catholic upbringing. I dunno she is busy pursuing a masters degree and she works so our time is limited might see her like 2 or 3 times a week. We have discussed getting married and pursuing buying a house but i have serious issues pressing forward when i feel that i am not wanted by her sexually. I am at my wits end with this * * * * , I am an attractive guy and If i am out alone i am approached by women often and no i have never cheated on my girl. But when it comes down to it it seems our time together is rushed and I am a man and i cannot help but want more than just a snuggle and lets talk session. She says she wants to wait till she is married to be more open with stuff like that, but I dunno i just have issues with going that far in the current state of frustration I am in. I find my eyes wondering more and more and i love her so much that i feel trapped. I don't want to think about life without her but damn i sure could go for some excitement, or maybe the feeling that i am wanted sexually. I feel like the damn woman in this relationship, not to mention i am very introverted and i will keep things inside until they just explode and i feel that explosion getting closer and closer we talk about it she says she will work on it but nothing ever changes. Help me out guys I don't want to break her and my heart at the same time.

[insofar]

and now for the worst part. We were talking about sex the other day, everything was OK, and she then admitted to me that she maturbates! WHAT?!?, I'm thinking to myself. I just don't get it (pun). She does seem to enjoy it when we do have sex, so why is she so afraid to do it?

Of course she does. She's a sexual being, like everyone else.

 

I think you need to ask her why she isn't interested in you, and not accept putting off the conversation as an answer. It may be that she's simply lost interest and is staying with you for convenience... which would be horrible, but at least you'd know and could start moving on with your life. It could also be that you've done something in the past, or something ongoing, that she absolutely hates and can't get her mind off, and it's stopping her from feeling any sort of romance for you. If that's the case, you need to find out what that is and try to change it. It could also be that she's cheating on you... but don't assume this. You need to find out the truth from her.

 

Don't feel guilty about wanting sex. It's a natural part of a relationship. Don't be mad at her for masturbating either. You said it yourself, it's not that she's not interested in sex, it's that she's not interested in sex with you. You need to find out why.

 

Help me out guys I don't want to break her and my heart at the same time.

If you also want help, you should start a new thread.