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Newbie needs advice! Should I break her heart for my doubts?


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Hi. This is my first post but I have been reading the forums for awhile now and Im hoping someone can help with my situation.


I have been in a relationship with a woman for over a year now. She is 31 and I am 36. I have not had a serious relationship with ANYONE for a VERY long long time. I spent 6 years and had a baby with the woman I thought I was going to marry. We have a wonderful friendship now and I love my kid to death but I feel like I wasted a lot of time with the wrong woman.


I enjoy being on my own, Im not the type that 'needs' a relationship but this girl Im seeing now is wonderful. I have gotten closer and have commited more to her than anyone in a really long time. I know she has my best interests at heart, I trust her with my life, she caters to my ego, she's beautiful, she takes good care of me and makes me feel really good about myself, I can tell her anything, she makes me laugh, she's just a beautiful person.


The only drawback is that she can sometimes be clingy. She likes to spend a lot of time with me and not that that is a bad thing but sometimes I want to spend time alone and sometimes I want to go out with my friends and just do my own thing but she takes it personal. Even that isn't a huge issue and it's something I think I can deal with.


My thing is she hasn't really been pressuring me to take the next step (marriage, moving in, etc) but she has mentioned it. Im just having doubts and I can't quite pin point what they are about. I just think I should feel a certain way or that there shouldn't be any doubts or any grey area. Logically I know that she is a wonderful girl and I am so lucky to have her and she may very well be the best thing that has ever happened to me.And it's not like I'm sure that she's NOT the one. But this feeling nags at me.


Do I stay with her and try to ignore these doubts? I have brought it up to her before so she knows that I've had the thoughts. I don't know if it's because I feel like the grass may be greener on the other side or I may be missing out on something? I don't want to hurt her especially because I don't even know if what I'm feeling is legitimate. Do I need to take a break from her? Break it off completely? The thought of not having her in my life just kills me. I just feel like I need to be sure.


Right now, I have mentioned the thought that I might want to take a break to evaluate if I even want to be in a relationship and she is really upset with me. She doesn't want to take a break, she wants to work on it together and if were anything else, I would agree with her. But this is something she can't help me with and I feel like I need time and space to myself.


What the hell am I thinking??

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Being someone who is in your gf's position I question your motives too. My girlfriend (24) broke up with me a month ago b/c she wants to focus on herself and not be in a relationship. The problem is, she's confused as well. She knows she loves me and that we are great together, but for some reason, she has chosen to separate from me in order to reflect on herself and can't bring herself to discover things WITH me.


I can understand how your gf is feeling and yes, it is extremely difficult. What makes it even harder is knowing that the love exists and that there isn't anything we can do about it. Only you can find the answers to what you're in search of. And, unfortunately, the only way you can truly evaluate your feelings is to be apart from the one you love.


My concern is that she won't come back and that she's risking losing something wonderful because of her confusion and uncertainty with herself.

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I think that you should break it off because what if you two descide to stay together and then eventually move in toghether and your still having the same thoughts?... Personally I think that would be a regretable mistake.


On the other hand I think that it wouldnt be a bad idea if you two were to saty friends. I f she makes you that happy then just stay friends. And if she gets mad and doesnt even want to be friends with you then I think that you have made the right move and I think that you should pixk up the pieces and move on all together.

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i think you should sit down with her and discuss why she takes it personally when you request time with your friends, or time alone. I can't imagine this should be a big deal if you can tell her "anything."


As for the doubts you can't pinpoint...I think if you felt you wasted a long part of your life with the "wrong" woman, you're going to have doubts with anyone.


You say that you have a wonderful friendship with that woman, and child that you love - so how could that time be a waste? You followed your heart, you were with someone, it didn't work out and you are left with a great friend a child. Where is the wasted time?

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