Is this wrong for me to ask

[rgm1266]

My g/f and I have been going out for about 8 months or so. We've has some issues just like anybody else.

 

Today she tells me that she's going out to lunch with a male friend of hers. He called her and is having some problems and asked her to lunch so he could talk to her about his issues. She tells me that they're personal and I didn't ask what they were and didn't ask where they were going. I asked her who was it (his name) and she got so defensive about it. She said just a friend. No one I've dated or messed with. She still wouldn't tell me. She blew up and finally told me. Then she starts saying that I'm being so controlling. Now last week, so friends and I went out to dinner. She asked me a whole bunch of questions like who did you go with and etc. I told her and didn't mind her asking me.

 

Was it wrong for me to ask her whom she was going to lunch with today? Why would she get so defensive and not want to tell me who she was going to lunch with? She really went off on me and asking!!!

 

Thanks.....

[elizmdavis]

Was it wrong for me to ask her whom she was going to lunch with today? Why would she get so defensive and not want to tell me who she was going to lunch with? She really went off on me and asking!!!

 

No, it is not wrong of you to ask if your intentions were to "just know" and not to "check on her".

 

Read between the lines here: If you were going to lunch with someone that may make your gf feel awkward, would you rush to tell her about it? If there was nothing to hide there would be no issues, period. She may have personal issues with being honest about things. I think that if she were flat out honest with you regardless of who it is, that would have been just fine. Since she is not being honest, it is just adding mistrust and jealousy into the relationship. NOT NECESSARY.

 

It is something to work on, starting with you. Set the example and always be open to telling her things no matter what they are. If she continues to do the opposite then you may need to reevaluate some things.

[amya]

I wouldn't have thought it would be such a big deal for you to ask her, i don't really understand why she was so annoyed at you for asking, especially if she had nothing to feel guilty about?! If anything she's probably only gone n made you feel a bit paranoid now, no?

However i couldn't suggest what to do about it, is she usually this unwilling to share information about other guys, etc? Or is it just this time? Maybe you asked her in a way that made her think you didn't trust her? I dunno, i wasn't there in the conversation.

Have you asked her why she reacted the way she did?

[rgm1266]

I tried to ask her why she was over reacting to me asking her whom she was going with to lunch and her response is you are just being controlling. Why do you need to know?

 

One thing that I've learned is that communication is the key and also the way you ask someone a question. She has always been a very private person. I feel that she's hiding things from me. But when it comes to her wanting to know something, she asks and expects an answer from me and which I always tell her. But since the shoe is on the other foot, she blows up. The last couple of weeks, she's been accusing me of going out with other women, which I HAVE NOT!! The old saying is the one that's accusing, is the one doing.

 

I have female friends who call me and I talk to on occasions, and she gets mad at me for doing that. I talk to them for a minute or 2 just to see how they are doing and that's it. They call to see how me and my g/f are doing or about issues they are having. After I get off the phone, my g/f says you don't need to talk to them about their issues/gossip with them. But what does she do, she talks to her male friends, go to lunch, etc and discuss things that she tells me I shouldn't do.

 

I'm really tired of this and many more issues. She's a very independent person. All or her relationship have been long distance and I'm the first guy she's dated who lives locally. I think she's not use to having someone who she says on a constant basis. Unlike a long distance relationship, you might see them a couple of times a month and only on the good times.

[amya]

Right well as for "the one that's accusing, is the one doing" - don't believe that. And i say that coz i, myself am an extremely paranoid person and have been known myself to ask far too many questions and make up wild accusations, even though i wouldn't think twice of keeping something from my boyfriend, i'm very open and honest.

However when i would accuse him of things, i would never be able to tell from his reaction if he was lying or not, because when i was right he'd get really angry at me, and when i was wrong he'd get really angry at me! Haha, could not win. Needless to say we're not together anymore and accusations get you nowhere!

Your instincts are all you can really go on at the moment. Just tell her how you feel it's unfair she has to know your every move but is so quick to hide what she's up to. That's all you can really do. Only you will be able to decide what comes next!

[gcollier2002]

She sounds shady. Has there been anything (other than mentioned) going on lately that makes her suspect? -Remember tho, innocent until found guilty.

[rgm1266]

I think she knows that she's been treating me pretty bad and that she thinks I might leave her. But what does she do, she bumps her head. After a while, you really get tired of the ups and downs, the mood changes, and etc. Then all the bad outshines the good.

 

It's not about me being controlling, it's about respect that 2 people have for the relationship and eachother. I'm just going to let it go and not worry about it. What you do in the dark, shall come to light.

[Scorpion Fury]

This could be a possibility...but have you considered maybe she made it up? Maybe that's why she wouldn't give you a name or tell you what they wanted to talk about? She might have made that up to make you jealous or insecure or something.

[reovi]

When I read your post I looked at it two, very different, ways(it's the Gemini in me)...

1. Her being defensive is a sign of hiding something, maybe she did make it up like HighlyUpset said and is not actually going to lunch with the guy

2. Would you have even given it a second thought or asked anything if she said she was going with a girl?

 

I agree with others above, if in fact it is true that she went to lunch with someone and would not tell you ANYTHING about him, it's totally shady. If she didn't and was just jerking your chain for attention(which I not proudly admit I have done before to exes), thats not cool because games will get you NOWHERE.

Honestly, and I'm sure not all would agree, but in my opinion even if you asked because you didn't like the idea of her going out with a single male friend, I don't have a problem with that-and I really don't believe there should be any situation or reason why she wouldn't be 100% honest with you about it.