decisions decisions

[phish]

This is my first post, and its on something thats I've been struggling with for over half-year. Its about my best friend, lets call her Jessie.

 

A bit about us both: I'm a recent college grad who plans on enlisting this time next year, and she's a bio major with med school dreams.

 

 

Jessie and I have been really close friends for about a year now. We were 'together' for about a month, but that ended because 1. i really had no idea who she was and 2. she was getting involved with a married guy -don't ask. It was an unbelievably traumatic experience for both of them.

 

 

Jessie is bipolar and has symptoms of borderline-personality. She is an excessively blunt person who simply does her own thing, and to many, she comes accross as harsh, rude, and narcissistic. But -if you really get to know her, you'll find she gets lonely easily, loves intensely, is deeply faithful to friends/family, and has really gone through too much emotional problems for somebody so young (21).

 

Last year (her Junior year), Jessie's friends more or less ditched on her because they wanted to be with their boyfriends. Jessie and 2 of her good friends all got an apartment and was supposed to have a awesome year that young, single girls should have. But they left -and Jessie had nobody. Literally.

 

By that time, I'd sort of known her for about a year, and we had dated for a month, and she had already gone through the whole thing with the married guy (sophmore year). (Junior year )So, gradually, I began to hang out with her just about everyday. We get along very well, and really enjoy being around each other. As the year went on, she met this guy named Justin who she had sort of a psuedo-relationship with -basically, they just slept together, but she had strong feelings. He could never trust her after he found out she had herpes...so he couldn't feel the same way.

 

As the year went on, I began to really see the darkside of manic-depressive disorder (bipolar) when she would really get stressed out about school/family/money, etc. She would cut herself, without suicidal intention. She would stay in bed all day, missing classes. She would cry every night. She was horribly lonely. And it seemed that no matter how hard she tried, nothing would ever work out.

 

Thats where I came in. I was there for all of that -and because of me, she actually survived that year. She proabably would have committed suicide at some point -we both know that. Without me, she would have failed out of school. But being there like that meant that we spent really too much time together as friends -we did homework after classes, stayed up late watching movies and getting dinner, and then occasionally, we'd fall asleep in her bed together (no sex, etc). We'd then wake up and spend the whole next day together as though thats what we would always do. It all seemed so natural to us -we even joked that we were an 'old married couple' -always together, but never had sex. And everybody else we knew couldn't tell whether we were dating or not, even people we didn't even know who saw us made similar comments. We had to constantly remind people that we're not dating.

 

Well, after getting to know every inch of who she was, and feeling like I had somebody to really be with, I began to really love her. And the days she would go out with Justin, however infrequently, always hurt really bad. I felt lonely, and somewhat betrayed. Cheated on almost. It was though I was doing all the work, and somebody else, who hadn't done anything but show up, got to enjoy all the fruits.

 

I know I couldn't just leave the friendship, she wouldn't make it through the year, even though she was seeing a psychiatrist and taking her medicine.

 

Long story short -one night I told her I loved her, and she never really stopped crying the rest of the night. She knows what its like to love somebody like that. She also said "things will never change between us." But she constantly wants me to hug her, and little touches here and there. Sometimes, take a nap with her. We watched a movie this past night while she had a guy friend here with us, and she positioned herself such that she had her face near my feet and just held on to them for a while. And she almost fell asleep in my bed...

 

I know she loves me in terms of affection. And I know she also depends on me, I've supported her and helped her through every conceivable issue. She says I can't ever replace myself. And she has some romantic feelings for me -but won't act on them because she has a problem with commitment and probably because their not very strong. She said she doesn't want to hurt me by leading me on, and then dropping me. She doesn't hold boyfriends very long because she breaks them off when things become too close -she says she is afraid of loosing her freedom.

 

I said I might not make it through this year because its hard to love somebody who can/wants to only be your friend. And she is sort of hitting things off with another guy -she told me she would marry him one day.

 

 

I don't know what to do -its getting too hard to stay around her like this. But if I leave, I'm not sure she'll be ok. I was thinking of sticking it out for this semester, and then leaving when she's done with testing -that way she has Christmas break to work things out. What I do know is that when I leave, I won't see her for years to come since I'm enlisting in the Army. If at all.

 

Is that a good idea -only putting up with half a year? Or should I end it now?-(we've been through alot trying to get this house. Months of let-downs and disappointments). Maybe I could wait until her and this new guy get close enough? He knows all about her, and is ok with it...

 

 

*edit*apparently, this new guy is moving to alabama for his job, and we live in Va -and i think she is replacing him with other guys she just recently met*edit*

 

(sorry about such a long entry!)

[Imprecision]

A very moving story. You should stay with her until you join the army. Half a year goes by quickly. A deep friendship cannot be replaced. You might regret leaving without seeing her through.

 

loves intensely, is deeply faithful to friends/family

 

The best kind of girl.

 

Whatever you choose to do, I wish you the best.

[flyoffthewall]

I hope that this doesn't sound harsh, but I think that you should leave. It sounds as if she isn't interested in more than friendship, and in the attention she craves, which you provide for her.

 

You can't watch her forever. Perhaps, if you leave now, someday she will realize that you can give her more than these other guys do. In any case, it doesn't sound like a healthy situation for you.

[girl friend]

You sound like an amazing friend phish, but you've got to look after yourself now. You can't stay somewhere thats not good for you or not part of your plans, just for someone. Follow your plans. You can keep in touch and still always be her friend. You were there to her, and you probably made all the difference last year, but you also lent her strength. This means that in times that are That low, that you saw, she developed the resources to cope. She'll be ok. You will not be to blame if anything happens for leaving.

 

Actually something i have learned is that if someone has made it to 21 ''being themselves'' they can probably get through a lot.

She'll be ok.

 

Why not talk to her? lay the foundation. MEntion that you are thinking of leaving. She might not handle it the first time, but she'll get used to the idea.

 

girl friend

[phish]

*update*

 

 

Me and Jessie went to a mutual friends wedding, and during the dance of the bride and her dad, etc. Jessie really started to cry and we had to leave early. When we got back to the car, Jessie told me what was bothering her and what she said really struck me hard.

 

She said that when she mentioned how she was going to marry this new guy (Chris), she was totally serious, and that the thought of me making her feel guilty or bad about that because of how I feel about her would result in us not being able to be friends. I'm not sure how I should judge my own reaction, because for a split second I was ready to just say, "I know you guys will be happy, so I'll move out tomorrow." But I didn't say that. I didn't say much of anything for a while.

 

I didn't know what to say, it felt like I forgot how to speak. She went on about how she was so regretful of ever getting with different guys early on, about how she regretted getting with the married guy and that now she has herpes -she's so afraid that Chris will reject her on those grounds. After all, who wants to get with a manic-depressive borderline personality girl who has no money, herpes, and a real sense of uncertainty about her future? That’s how she sees herself.

 

But honestly, I want to communicate to her that none of that will matter. I want to reassure her that Chris will come to love her for all the same little reasons I did/do, the little habits she has. The she wears pretty much the same t-shirt and shorts everyday. How she has crazy sleeping habits. How she laughs, holds herself, and her voice. Her beautiful smile, tiny little feet, her dark hair, her green eyes, and perfect physique. That she is smart, can do things that most can't (who can take a semester of quantum physics, thermodynamics, and organic chemistry -not get any help from any classmates, and still come out with their sanity?). And the fact that she is a challenging person, always fresh, and with that hard-to-describe but awesome sense of humor.

 

When I was finally able to speak, after both of us sitting in my idling car for like 10 minutes, I told her that she had nothing to worry about with me "sabotaging" her and Chris. That how I felt was complicated, and that when I say "I love you" -its about your happiness. I said I want her and Chris to get together because it would make her happy, but also it makes my life more clear. I can enlist in the Army (something I want as much as I need) without any worry or doubt. She'll be loved, taken care of and she will also love and take care of somebody -people need both.

 

 

I told her that its just those split seconds when me and her hang out that I feel like I have somebody that make it difficult for me. I have somebody that I can rest my mind on --just rest with. That’s the feeling, being around her is a relief from the world. But every time I feel that, I have to counter it with my desire to enlist. In fact, the understanding that I don't actually have anybody to be with is a big motivation for enlisting. That’s the only real hard part about being her friend. None of her disorders, herpes, cellulite, her habits, her not-having-any-money bothers me. She takes up alot of time and effort, but I never tire of taking care of her. Ever. I hope more than anything Chris will feel the same way.

 

When you tell somebody on a 3rd or 4th date, that you have herpes and your manic-depressive, hardly anybody will reject you right there. They'll be nice, and understanding, probably ask some questions. Maybe even mention a friend or a family member who has something similar. Say you're interested in how the brain works, yadda yadda yadda. And all of that can be said with the real intention of getting away from this nutcase. Will Chris love her for those things? If he could change anything, would he dare? Is he just being nice, or does her problems enhance his desire for her like it does mine? After-all, perfection can be boring. Or is that what he wants?

 

 

I'm so worried about Chris moving to Alabama, leaving Jessie feeling that the one guy for her has left -fate has been messing with her a long time. How could I comfort her? What could I say? Those cliches of "its going to be alright"? Should I even dare to mention that there are tons of guys out there?

 

Truth be told - I want to get away from her. I want this year of us having this house to fly by. When I do enlist, I’m not going to be in contact with her. I want to absorb myself in that world, that will be home. I told her that, explained, and she understands. I think we both want this year to go in fast-forward. And its a sad but true fact that honestly, I have nothing with this girl -I love our friendship, but at the end of the day, I'm a guy -spending all my time with somebody in this way is bad for me. I catch myself wondering before I fall asleep why are things this way? Why can't I simply decide how I feel, and be done with it? Why can't she feel this or that? Maybe there will be something in the future? After all, she likes that high-and-tight haircut. But that’s a false hope.

 

 

I don't do religion, haven't for years, but I do find myself asking the universe, mother nature, whatever for just a little respite from all this. Just some positive news, some good things. Would it be so hard for Chris to not move, for them to see each other regularly? Just this one thing. This one thing.

 

Its hard to say to yourself "do this because you gave your word, and this is a test of your friendship and your character." But I think I'm taking a step forward, I was at a bar with Jessie and some other friends and there was a cute girl there with that I kept making eye contact with in that "we have a mutual attraction" kinda way -so I'm getting my friend to text me her phone number. Go see a movie with her, maybe that new Batman movie. She's no Jessie, but doesn't mean she isn't something special either.

 

So fingers crossed, there is alot of uncertainty over the next month/s, and its important to focus on the good outcomes, and prepare for the bad ones. Typing all this has been a huge help -thanks to anybody whose read it.

 

I'll update when something happens.