Marriage counselor?

[claire_40]

My husband and I argue nearly daily. Usually it's because I think he doesn't respect me. He seems to question my intelligence or ablility in almost everything. I've decided to see a marriage counselor by myself to help me figure things out. Has anyone else tried going to a marriage counselor alone?

Of course the time spent away at the counselors won't make him happy because I won't be able to get his laundry done! (Just being a smart aleck.)

For future reference, though, I am only able to post after he goes to bed or when he's at work, so, many times, I won't be able to answer back for over 24 hours. He would be furious if he knew I was airing our dirty laundry on here.

[Gilgamesh]

Hello Claire

 

From the sounds of it looks as if you have a very dominating partner who looks at you as if you were below him, its obvious he does not respect you, the problem lays mostly with him, he doesnt see you as an equal in your relationship with him, but more like a slave, someone to serve him, he is self centered and cares only of himself.

 

You could go to a counseler, but how will that change the way he is? he isnt looking to change because he likes the things the way they are.

 

You are only responsable for 50% of the relationship, he is responsable for the other half, not you.

 

In a loving relationship there is balance, harmony and respect, do you have these things? are you equals or is he the one running the show? your posting in this forum tells me you not happy being the passive, submissive woman in this relationship.

 

One more thing, this is important, YOU CANNOT change him, only he can change the way he is, and only if he wants to.

 

So, you may want to think real well about what kind of life you want, and take a real good look at where you are at the moment.

[enadevoli]

i agree with gilgamesh. i don't think that he respects you. he can't control your life. he does not own you, so if you want to do things, you should be able to do them. it seems to me that you are not happy right now. have you talked to him about your feelings? have you tried asking him if he would see a marriage counsler with you? if you have talked to him & he is not respecting your feelings, then maybe you shouldn't be wasting your time with him.

[Ash]

I see no reason you shouldn't seek counseling on your own in this matter, although it would of course be better were he able to allow himself to go.

 

But for yourself though, it will likely make you feel better about the situation, and you may be given some ideas that will assist you. Many counselors will give their clients some ideas to think about, and possibly some simply mental or writing exercises to perform. It's possible even if your husband refuses to attend himself, he may wish to work with you in some of the ways he might have were he to actually attend.

 

Does your husband have an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) where he works? If so, you should be able to make use of this to defray costs.

 

 

I know you made a quip about the laundry, but it does speak of some deep seated fears you have of him. Don't let him control you out of doing this for yourself. Try to make him understand your personal well being must every once in a while supplant what he thinks you need to accomplish in an given time frame.

 

Also, I understand exactly what you mean when you say you're reluctant to have him become aware you're discussing your situation on this board. We know you're trying to help both of you though.

[claire_40]

Thanks for the help. I'm not ready to give up yet. I have too many years invested in this relationship.

 

It would be great if he would go to counseling, but he won't. I'm hoping a marriage counselor will help me figure out if he really is self centered and disrespectful or if it's my own insecurities that make me assume that everything he says is a put down. Does that make sense? I think somewhere along the way I lost my ability to see this clearly.

 

It will be a long road either way. I'm glad this forum is here to help out. I feel better just being able to get some of this off my chest.

[Ash]

Good, I'm glad to hear you're giving your marriage every chance. Do that now before something happens and it's too late. I made this mistake.

 

Hopefully, your going to counseling will give your husband the courage to go to counseling with you. A large part of it is maybe denial. He may think there is nothing wrong, nothing at least that counseling could fix.

 

Human relationships, when they turn negative and relatively non-communicative can evolve to a point where each party does not see their own weaknesses, nor even strengths. This doesn't mean you are incorrect in your assessment of your husband, but you may have developed a subconscious defense mechanism to deal with it that he now sees as a disagreeable aspect of your character. So yes, in a way you're correct. It's possible to loose some of the clarity. Having somebody else see the situation will give you a fresh perspective at least.

 

Best of luck.

[avman]

Hello claire_40,

 

The other posters have given you some excellent advice. I think it is totally fine for you to see a counselor just to have another perspective on what is happening in the marriage. Yes it would be more beneficial if your husband attended with you. But you will certainly learn some valuable things that may benefit your current relationship.

 

You may also learn that your current relationship is not viable. And in that case, the counseling will have benefits for you that you can use in your next relationship.

 

So by all means attend. I wish you the best of luck!

 

avman