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Differentiation is the process of becoming fully you.

It is how you define yourself in relationship too others. Highly differentiated people know who they are and stand their own ground in all situation.

Lowly differentiated people take on whatever is around them and blend in.


So this effects relationships a lot.

Because every relationship is a test to see how much of you is there.

Do you have a relationship when their is 10% and 90% of your partner, you are lowly differentiated. Do you have your own stuff, interests, preferences, self-soothing ability? Or do you rely on your partner to tell you what you like, what they prefer or how to calm down?


You tend to exist your family of origin with the amount of differentiation that your parents achieved. Are you still a part of your family system? Then you have the level of differentiation of your parents? Do you notice that you get irratated with your mother/fathers efforts to pull you into their messy emotions , then you may be defining/differentiating yourself as other than your parents emotions.

Differentiating is the process of becoming fully you. You , not your parents or family. You, not your country. You not your husband or wife. Just who you are.

It is the most important thing you will ever do. And it is the most loving things you can do for yourself, it is finding who that self it.

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This is a pretty good topic, wonder why there hasnt' been any hits/reply yet.


I'm actually quite a fearless person, so i know what you mean by differentiation. But in real life, every time I do something bold, I couldn't help but think that people are watching. My attention turns away, and this strong initial thought pattern switched to something that seems so weak. It's like i'm consciously aware that I might be impressing someone at that moment. I don't like that. I think if I were to become the full me, I wouldn't be thinking about such thoughts.


Guess I'm not talking about relationship, but same idea.

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I notice that few people who come on enotalone have much differentiation.

Because it always about the fusing of the poster and his/ex or their family.

And there is no leadership to help people away from the lower functioning to the higher functioning. It fact low functioning is indulged by enotalone essentially.

When people complain about their relationships and someone else says , that sucks he did you wrong, your mom shouldn't have said that, etc.. It's keeping the status quo.

Instead someone could say, It matters no at all who said what or who did what. It matters who you are and who you want to be in this situation. Until you have you, their is no real relationship anyway. So deal with yourself first.

Enotalone frustrates me because it is the same undifferentiated people giving advice to other low functioning undifferentiated people.

It's the blind leading the blind. And it's interesting in an addictive way, but not useful to people who actually want to grow and not just whine and be rewarded by other whiners.

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In this case, then I think you value insights.


Sometimes, people comes in and are looking for support / compassion. So it's not really what they say that matters, but it's what they're doing at that right time that matters.


If I were the creator of these types of forum, i'd probably ask whether this site is in fact helping or damaging. Helping as in helping out those who really needed the emotional support, damaging as in being a catalyst of socially damaging ideas. I say it does both, because it's actually never a very good experience going to this forum cause it's depressing and even addictive when you really get into it, which you also addressed in your 2nd post here.


So there are pluses and minuses. But I mean there's a plus today for me cause I get to bump into posts like these... which I guess from the lack of replies, not many people recognize the value of it.

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Gee thanks Creative.


The thing with differentiated people, is that there are fewer of us.

Because it's hard and laborious and takes self reflect and work basically. Finding out who you really are is a long arduous practice often.

So I get frustrated and what to connect with similarly healthy people ( thank god for school ) .

One reason to not differentiate is that there will be far fewer people to have relationships with. But the relationship itself is much more enriching . That's the rub, less options, better options.


It's kind of like Jerry Springer Vs. Oprah. ( except Oprah gets better ratings)

Jerry Springer ( guests on Jerry springer) are everywhere. They are the population at large.

Oprah ( or guests she chooses to be on her show) are way harder to find.

Creating a culture of growth and maturity is a possibly for enotalone. Someone would have to care enough to do it though.

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I just felt people here have nothing better to do, so they read forums like these 2+ hours per day, and naturally - feel depressed.

Those who have better things to do wouldn't spend so much time reading into people's lives in the first place.


If there would be a fix, it's going to have to start from the society.

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