Fireman Sam Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 I'm recently separated and suffering from the trauma of my broken heart. My day's are consumed by memories and thoughts of my separated wife. I'm trying to get my life into some sort of routine to help get this all under control. My question is.....does the dumper also get consumed by memories (both good and bad) to the extent that they have difficulty coping. I have been separated about 7 wks after an almost 11yr marrage. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 The dumper, has usally already distanced themselves and gone through those thoughts and feelings of seperating before they actually separate. They,to them, have made the right decision, so maybe not as much, of course they will miss you to some degree but I doubt they'll be as consumed. Link to comment
starlight40 Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 I am the dumper and to answer your question, yes they are consumed aswell, i feel like ive been to hell and back but i felt i had to do it for the best for both of us, hurts like absolute hell though. In youre situation....no one could go through that long a marriage and not be consumed, dumper or dumpee x Link to comment
christinesee Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 I'm recently separated and suffering from the trauma of my broken heart. My day's are consumed by memories and thoughts of my separated wife. I'm trying to get my life into some sort of routine to help get this all under control. My question is.....does the dumper also get consumed by memories (both good and bad) to the extent that they have difficulty coping. I have been separated about 7 wks after an almost 11yr marrage. I have a feeling that the dumper still may have some thoughts and feelings about the person they dumped.. however not nearly as many as the person who was dumped. Link to comment
starlight40 Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 I have a feeling that the dumper still may have some thoughts and feelings about the person they dumped.. however not nearly as many as the person who was dumped. I have got to disagree there, i suppose it really does depend on each individual sitation though and the reasons for the relationship ending Link to comment
Fireman Sam Posted July 8, 2008 Author Share Posted July 8, 2008 I'm not exactly sure what happened with us. I'm sure it was based around our inabilty to communicate and address some issues that cropped up during the last 18 mths of our marrage. Namely my lack of interest in sex (but that was more of a medical problem that I didn't address). We still get on really well and she still gives me those googly eyes when we are sitting accross from each other. I think she is trying to see if she can get that feeling back again. We were such a good team together...it's so very sad that this has happened. I'm sure she is missing me since we did everything together all the time. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 The dumper, has usally already distanced themselves and gone through those thoughts and feelings of seperating before they actually separate. They,to them, have made the right decision, so maybe not as much, of course they will miss you to some degree but I doubt they'll be as consumed. yes i agree with this completely. There is always going to be that random dumper here and there who really regrets it and becomes consumed with thoughts of the ex but that usually doesn't happen. It happens less often than it does happen, let's put it that way. Link to comment
starlight40 Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 Im sure she is missing you, has she said it really is over for good or do you think that maybe you guys could talk? Link to comment
Fireman Sam Posted July 8, 2008 Author Share Posted July 8, 2008 She moved out about 7 weeks ago (the same night she told me it was over). She told me 3 weeks ago that she is not moving back home again. I have not broached that subject with her since. I told her that I love her and want her to be happy. If she really wants a seperation, I will have to accept her decision. We are still still talking... about everything except our problems...almost avoiding those issues. We're going out for dinner tomorrow night...just for a fun evening. No talking about sad stuff. Link to comment
starlight40 Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 At least you guys are being so amicable about this, i think thats great. I dont want to give you any false hope or anything but it doesnt sound to me like this isnt repairable Link to comment
Fireman Sam Posted July 8, 2008 Author Share Posted July 8, 2008 I'm hoping that she isn't coming to dinner out of guilt. I am hoping she genuenly is missing me and wants to hang out and chat. We used to spend so much time every morning over breakfast and evening over dinner drinking and talking (mostly just shooting the * * * * ....kinda boreing...but you do run out of new stuff to talk about after a decade). I really miss her companionship so much. We got on so well...I didn't really go out and make a lot of friends. This has left me with a very limited support group to help me through this. I really don't understand how it came to this, but that seems to be what everyone on this board is saying. Link to comment
Nearwater Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 I am sure my ex thinks about me every day. She lives in a place that surrounds her with me, she won't even now take off the promise ring I gave her. Our lives were very intertwined, with material things she will use every day all summer and has many emotional ties all well. My Ex and my plight is pretty well documented here. I had a big talk a week ago sunday with her, then wrote her a lovely email the next morning about our talk. Accidently on the 1st my rent payment to our summer place went through, I get a 1 line email, "what are you doing??????????" I never answered. I moped thru 4th of July, go to see her monday and find out she left town for the summer... no good bye, nothing. I want her to miss me, I am going to the area she is in at the end of the month, Does anyone like the idea of me dropping off a photo album with 100 pics of our last 3 happy years together? She has seen some of them but most have been on my computer. There are tons of us togther through our travels, our home and pets... I am hoping to trigger a response where she realizes what she is giving up for and older married guy with 3 kids... When the shine of the rebound wears off, I am prepared to give it one chance, if she breaks NC and pursues ME. My birthday falls around then too...she knows I had planned to be there then to see her, and am still stuck with the plane ticket... NO doubt she can read the calendar. Link to comment
Stambler Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 It depends on the person. When I left my 1st wife I was consumed with guilt for ending the marriage, concerned for how it affected her, and thinking constantly about how she was coping. Since my second wife left me she has been consumed with making herself out to be the victim (even though she left me for someone else), concerned about how it is affecting HER, and thinkng constantly about how SHE is coping with he rnew lifestyle of 1/4 the amount of money that she had.... Link to comment
arcadefire Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 Depends on who was more emotionally invested in the relationship. I was the dumper and in my case I definitely was hurt more than my ex. I put my entire heart into the relationship and I loved him. He didn't love me. So it led to me breaking up. I'm sure others who have been in one sided relationships, either one party wasn't so serious, someone cheats, lies, etc. and who dumped the other because of that would hurt just as badly as a dumpee. I've been there. The heartbreak was my first. Not a day goes by that I don't think of my ex. Link to comment
Fireman Sam Posted July 9, 2008 Author Share Posted July 9, 2008 Who was invested more heavely in the relationship.....very good point. That gives me something to think about. I think in my case is was my wife. I have always been kinda thickskinned about closeness. I lost most of my family in a car accident when I was younger...and then had to nurse my mother just before she died. My life has a history of loss...and maybe that was reflected in my behavour in some way. If pain is measured in some way by the emotioinal investment in the relationship....then my ex will be hurting more then me. Definitely something for me to reflect on ..... Kindness, respect and love. That is the way I will treat everyone moving forward... friends, family and lovers. Link to comment
Nearwater Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 I need to know... has any been or known a dumper to break things off that were good for a rebound or fling , then regret it and crash and come back? I have a long summer ahead of me and want to get to the end. I have asked this before and it goes with this thread, will those dumpers who appear to be in denial ever hit the spot we dumpees are in? (pain depression ect.) Mine is dating a clearly married with children guy much older and unavailable. I want to heal it up and repair our wounds but we all know it takes two, and now it's only me... Link to comment
xrayspex Posted July 9, 2008 Share Posted July 9, 2008 Out of sight out of mind for me, but it was dead long before I ended things so maybe it's easier for me. I hardly ever think of him. Link to comment
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