am i over it? or not?

[pudgy55]

I've been going out with my bf for four years now...most of the times it was really good, we were really in love and everything.. but then there've been bad times...4 to be exact and each time it really hurts a lot and each time he's the one that broke up with me.. but he always came back to me after a couple of days (he broke up with me the frist time a while after we started dating coz he moved to a different place, the second time he actually cheated on me while he was living in a different place.. the third time we got into an argument and he just didn't wnat to think so we went on a break.. and now we're on our fourth.. and i think final, break up)...Anyways, I am sort of moving on and realizing that this is the best thing for us...We have talked about this.. we still really love each other but it's not working out right now bc of his busy work and me with nothing to do...in a way.. i've accepted this and moved on to the best of my ability... however, i am afraid that i'm moving on a bit too fast... i'm not saying that i'm completely over him and that i'm dating other people... more like i'm accepting that this relationship is over and that we cannot do anything about this at this time and that i should just let go and move on. We've only been broken up for 3 weeks.. i'm scared that if i let go and move on .. .and he comes back for forgiveness.. i'll forgive him coz i have moved on and let go of the pass problems...Everytime he broke up with me... he hurts me a lot.. yet i always find it in my heart to forgive him really easily and then let things slid.. then everthing just repeats in a vicious cycle over again. what should i do? I feel like if i just forget about our problems and move on.. then it will put me at a risk of caving in if he comes back...he's my first boyfriend... i'm 20 and he's 26...I konw there'z lots of problems that needs to be solved out in our relatinship but right now is just not the time for us and we will not be able to solve the problems....what should i do??

[Realitybites]

Moving on definitely means forgiving the other person, but first of all it means deciding this relationship is not for you. And from everything you're writing in this post, this doesn't seem to be a relationship that is making you happy. Also, you don't seem to have moved on - at all. You are still worried you could take him back, and if he came you probably would, wouldn't you? I think to prevent that from happening, you have to make a decision FOR YOURSELF, irrespective of what he says, does or feels. Moving on is about taking back control of your life. You should tell yourself this is not what I want. He can beg or crawl, but if you are truly tired of being unhappy with him, you will hold fast to your decision. Because the vicious circle will most probably keep repeating itelf. You should be careful or you could get seriously stuck in a co-dependent relationship. The other option is for both of you to get counseling with a good couples therapist. Maybe that's all you need to kickstart a healthier interaction between the two of you. But remember it's a voluntary decision that each of you should be taking. If he doesn't want to do that, then you shouldn't force him or manipulate him into doing it. You just have to respect his choice.

Let us know how things worked out. Good luck.

[pudgy55]

yah...now that i think about this..i am not over this even though i thought i've moved on.. i always get set back every once in a while...this is starting to get tiring... even though i think i maybe able to move on and forgive him... i'm still thinking if he will come back to me or not...

I think i can't move on becoz it's all about the waiting game with us right now...He even told me that he still loves me and that he wants to be with me.. but work is really hard for him right now and he doesn't want to hurt me anymore... i guess the whole loving me part is a given considering we've been together for four years...he really is stressed with work and is really busy to really deal with this...he goes back and forth between cities once a week and everytime he's down here he's busy for days...so even if i am willing to go couples therapy...i don't think that is something that he is going to have time for...it's just really hard to drop this when we've been talking about a future together.. getting married and everything...i don't konw wut i want...just some support to move on or grieve or mope or wutever it is i'm suppose to do i guess...he didn't even call me to say happy new year... so i guess maybe he didn't love me as much as he says he does coz i sure wanted to call him

...i mean...even if we do get back together, it will require a lot of commitment and compromise from both of us...we've had our share of faults...(me being a giver him being a taker...i want to spend him with him all the time and he doesn't give me the time i want...)...i don't konw what it is i'm feeling...just need to get this out of me i guess...i've erased his number from my phone and deleted him off my msn.. but i still go on his friendster and i see these new girls that are his new friends and it's really bugging me.. i konw that's mistake on my part... but god this is soooo hard to deal with... it really really hurts me inside to see that he's going on konwing all these girls and stuff and the fact that i keep on thinking that he seems to be doing fine with everything after our break up is really buggin me too...this sucks...neone want to try and cheer me up???