latinstyle Posted December 29, 2003 Share Posted December 29, 2003 This is a general question about some of the posts I've read on here. My life on this forum has been about 1 month and a half. It has helped me alot through this time of depression ever since my girlfriend split with me about 2 months ago. Anyway I have read some posts from people that are still trying to get their exes back and or are still not over their exes even after 6 months or 9 months and even years. Why is that? This is a great forum and I hope I've helped people like people have helped me but I pray I am not still writing posts in hopes of getting my ex back 6 months to a year from now. I know I am either going to be back with her or will find someone else. Are my expectations too high? It kind of depresses me to read about people that are still sad about there exes that long. Can it happen to me? I do love this girl tremendously and want to marry her but is it going be that long and I'll still be depressed?? Link to comment
avman Posted December 29, 2003 Share Posted December 29, 2003 Well its different for every person. And each situation is also unique. Some people heal from one ex in a few weeks, while a different relationship may cause them 6-12 months of pain. It also depends what else is going on in your life. Losing a relationship during a difficult period of your life will complicate the healing process. One of the major goals of the No Contact rule is not only to see if your ex will come back, but also to help you heal from the relationship. After several weeks of no contact, you are not as likely to be so obsessed over the loss of your ex. Yes it will still hurt, but it won't be that can't breathe, can't sleep, tearing your heart out kind of hurt. It will become just a dull ache. And eventually that ache gets less and less. Until only the memories are left. Take it one day at a time. Don't worry about next month. Worry about today and tomorrow. Keep your life full. Go on with your daily activities. And eventually you will heal without even realizing that it has happened. avman Link to comment
latinstyle Posted December 29, 2003 Author Share Posted December 29, 2003 Thanks AV, I am on here daily and there are similar people in exact same situations. Truth is I don't call her but she has called me and we talk frequently now but she still feels the same as when she broke it off. I am going to be very honest, truth is what is killing me is that I heard that she has slept with and is talking to another guy. She denies the part about the sleeping part but she says she does talk to someone else. Jealousy I guess is what is not letting me move on, I want to be the one hugging her and kissing her not someother guy. It's like she knows that it won't work out with this other person but she is not ready to come back to me. I don't know. I love her and still act like I'm her boyfriend (jealousy) at times and I don't know what to do but.... I know that we will get back together but if we don't I am going to try my hardest to get over it before 6 months comes around. Link to comment
avman Posted December 29, 2003 Share Posted December 29, 2003 I know, its really hard to admit to yourself that you are not the love of her life anymore. Thats why I suggest you do not contact her for awhile so that you don't have to face the knowledge she is sleeping with someone else. Her life is no longer your concern and all it is doing is killing you on the inside. Take a break from her. Do this as a treat to yourself - because you deserve it. Ok? Link to comment
SweetypieEnlightenedOne Posted December 29, 2003 Share Posted December 29, 2003 It really depends on how long you were with your significant other too, most people who were together for only a month or two rarely still hurt after a few years. If your a person who was married for about 5 years then yes it may take a few years to heal. But the good news E is that just because you love someone doesnt mean your life doesnt go on or that you live in sorrow for ever. You can still live a peaceful positive life without the other person. ANd if they were so meant to be, they will come back to you. Link to comment
latinstyle Posted December 29, 2003 Author Share Posted December 29, 2003 We were together for almost 6 years and were talking about marriage. It's funny cause her mom still calls me her son in law. See the thing is that she initiated contact after the break-up. I am not begging her anymore, sure I get jealous but I am not what I was the first week of the split. She calls me just like when we were together and I have to be honest, I don't think I can tell her to stop calling me unless she does something like move on or hurt me even worse. I told her that if she keeps on talking to me like we are and all of a sudden tells me she is with someone else, I would hate her for it which I would because that wouldn't be right. The way things are going, it's all rumors and he said she said so I can't see myself breaking contact with someone I love when she still wants to contact me. Link to comment
Langeveldt Posted December 29, 2003 Share Posted December 29, 2003 Split up with my gf of a year 3 months ago... The first month i found hell, absolutely awful.. I ended up losing friends, losing my personality and losing out at school work... it still hurts now, but it does get better, believe me... Link to comment
BrandonBo Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 it can hurt for along long time but i dont think u will have to worry cuz like u said ull either be with her or meet someone else so in my opinion just go out and find urself a girl aight good luck Link to comment
bdub Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 Breaking contact with this girl may be the most difficult, but also the most productive thing you can do in this time. You need to heal, weather she comes back to you or not, you need to heal. You can't get back in a relationship with her if you are still hurting inside. And you can't begin a relationship with someone else while you are still hurting, either. As for how to tell her. I can think of two ways right off the top of my head. 1) You could just not answer the phone when she calls and allow that action speak for you. Or 2) You can talk with her and be upfront about your feelings. Tell her that since she feels she needs to be separated from you, as far as relationships go; that you need to be separated from her, as far as contact goes. Keep in mind that she is doing what is in the best interest for HER. You need to make the same steps to do what is in the best interest for YOU. Try to stop thinking about what is best for "US" and focus on you for awhile. It doesn't have to be permanent, just long enough to reset yourself and gain your emotional bearings again. Best Wishes, bdub Link to comment
fifi8 Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 every relationship is different. I've had other breakups, where I've been sad for a month or so, and then thought "oh well, life goes on" and I've been fine. This was the first time I've ever made plans for the rest of my life with someone, and gotten into the whole marriage idea etc though, so 5 months down the road, I still miss him and love him, even though he's just moving along with his life. If there was a magic pill I could pop that would make all the feelings go away, I'd take it in a heartbeat, but there isn't, so I have to wait till time heals me. The other thing about this is, I can't even date because nobody, and I mean, nobody appeals to me right now, so I can't wait for that to end as well Fiona Link to comment
latinstyle Posted December 30, 2003 Author Share Posted December 30, 2003 I totally understand and reluctantly agree, but I think what is killing me inside is the thought of her with someone else. I can't handle that very well. How did any of you get over that or how did you not let it get to you. I get very hurt when I think about it. I told her I can't just be her friend and she said not to talk to her then and said I'll talk to you whenever, soooo it feels like we just broke up even though it's been 2 months. This all sucks. Any advice is appreciated. Link to comment
SF_mike Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 eibarra, Hope you're feeling better. I guess you must not try to be friends until fully healed. It's been 4 months for me...saw her (still can't type "ex") a couple of weeks ago and while it was great/amazing to see her, hug her, catch up etc....the fact is that my feelings are way too strong still. The only way I've felt able to function the last couple of months is no contact....and I think we all hate no contact because we miss so many aspects of that other person. In my case I don't believe she's seeing anyone else but I certainly wouldn't want to her about it from her while making idle chit chat....I steer clear of those thoughts as they upset me beyond belief. Just try and maintain no contact and take care of yourself first. Happy New Year.....2004 has gotta be better for all of us... Mike Link to comment
latinstyle Posted December 30, 2003 Author Share Posted December 30, 2003 SF Mike, I've been wondering how you are doing. Haven't seen you post in a while. I wish I could keep my composure like you. I have this rule that if a girl breaks up with me I will not call her for nothing and that's how it was but she's the one that keeps calling me and asking to do things even though she has made it quite clear we are not getting back together. I don't get it. I also heard that she talks to someone else and I know that if I was talking to someone else, I'd try to distance myself from my ex but yet she keeps calling. I don't have the will to tell her to stop but I did tell her I can't just be her friend. I guess that's all I can do right? Tomorrow night is going to be awful, because it's the first new years in 6 years I will be alone. I wish I could fast forward because I am not looking forward to it at all. How are you dealing with it? Link to comment
SF_mike Posted December 30, 2003 Share Posted December 30, 2003 It's still hard....I put on a brave face etc....but the last few weeks have felt like the first few days again...this time of year isn't helping (both of our birthdays, holidays). I find myself thinking of her and last year constantly...wondering what she's doing, if she misses me and so on....Needless to say it's not healthy. Even though I got some sort of 'closure' when we met up a couple of weeks ago, I'm still aching for her to have a change of heart and there's a tiny bit of hope in me still. I recognize it however and my head tells me not to count on it. I'm not looking forward to New Year's either....she was visiting relatives last year & we were apart...we had vowed back then that this New Year's Eve would be special.....What a difference a year makes Just gotta try and be tough and focus on ourselves. I find when I daydream of the past all I do is upset myself...I'm making a conscious effort to try & stop....Hoping things get easier after New Year's....when things kinda return to 'normal' Hang in there...wish it was easier for everyone. Mike Link to comment
latinstyle Posted December 30, 2003 Author Share Posted December 30, 2003 I know what you mean. I wake up every morning hoping she has changed her mind and will call me and tell me she made a huge mistake and wants me back. Only if life was that easy. I have my ups and downs, I try to only think of the negative things about her and it works for a little while but then I miss her anyway. Everyone tells me that I deserve better than her and that she didn't treat me good and during the relationship there were times I saw that myself but why don't I see it know. Why do I want her back no matter how she is and no matter how she treats me. They say God has a plan for all of us and things happen for a reason so I will keep praying for us all because I don't wish this pain on my worst enemy. Link to comment
fifi8 Posted January 3, 2004 Share Posted January 3, 2004 have to be coming, right? The holidays were about as awful as it gets. My ex and I had made so many plans, and I had to deal with him getting to know someone else. It's really been a rotten 5 months. I was thinking about what makes me get over an ex quickly, and I think it's where I attribute the blame. The ex before the last one was a really blah person, so when he broke up with me I thought about how poopy he was, and didn't feel all that bad. This last ex was a truly wonderful man, and I went stupid with mood swings and then being all clingy and neurotic. So pretty much every day I beat myself up about the breakup, knowing it was my fault. It's really hard because I don't think he'd ever date me again, given that previous experience, and yet at one point, he was so in love with me people would stop us on the street and tell us we made them happy because we looked so in love. It's been the worst experience of my life to date, but it did force me to examine myself, go to therapy, fix things that needed fixing, and ultimately, I think I'm much closer to the person I've always wanted to be. Too bad he's not around to see it. I feel your pain guys, and I hope this year is so much better for all of us. *hug* Fiona Link to comment
pudgy55 Posted January 3, 2004 Share Posted January 3, 2004 oh u guyz... i totally understand wut you guyz are going thru.. coz like everyone else in here.. i'm going thru the same thing...it's good to find some comfort here... sometimes i feel sad and my friends just aren't around to really help me out... and just going on here and reading the posts (sometimes, over and over again) just helps ease the pain coz you konw that there'z so many of us out there that's feeling the same thing right now...now if only there'z a virtual thing where we can send each other hugs to feel better... My bf of 4 years broke up with my ... almost a month ago... and i've stick to this no contact thing for a grand total of .....4 days.... and god it's going by soooooooo slow... he phoned me on and off between then and it was totally screweing me over so i told him that we shouldn't do that no more...and he's listened to me so far...in a way i kick myself for it coz now he really isn't calling me to talk to me...but i honestly admit that it is really better for the body and mind...slowly but surely... i dunno.. there's still a thread of hope inside me...this is my first relationship so maybe that's why i'm finding it so hard to let go... i've done all the over analyzing and the ifs and buts...I've come to the conclustion that this was a good relationship bc we loved each other...4 years together and we were still very lovey dovey... but it was full of faults on both our side and the problem with the relationship being semi-long distance ( he comes back and forth between work for a couple of days and when he's here he's doing business) and him being busy and just lack of communication when there is a problem... We did have one last talk about our problem the very last time i saw him...we've come to the conclusion that we have problems.. but it's just at a time right now that cannot be fixed because he's got too many other things going on in his life to take care of...(debts, making money to pay off debt..i dunno...maybe he's had a relevation that he's getting old and needs to buckle down and get his act together?).. well wutever it is.. he's obviously decided to not put me in the picture...he says he loves me and all and that he's doing nothing but hurting me by staying in this relationship... I understand the gesture and all...but geeze.. would it hurt to really try and be a man and work this out before you chuck me out like a used napkin just coz things are getting a bit too stressful... i dunno maybe i screwed myself over too coz the last time i saw him , i told him that we shouldn't see/talk to each other anymore coz it hurts too much for me..and then he said he had second thoughts about our break.. but i konw that even if i get back with him now.. he's not going to change so i told him we should stay broken up...dangit why can't he see the light and really try and buckle down and change? but then again.. a leopard can never change his spots.. he can only file his nails...really.. that is so true.. so i guess no matter how hard i kick myself or regret not jumping up and down and saying YES the minute he said he had second thoughts it really is better for me this way... nothing short of a lot of change,commitment and even therapy can get us together after all this... and i don't think he's really EVER going to realize that anytime soon.. so i guess it's all about the timing game.. i mean.. if love doesn't work out...and ur stuck.. you have to move on... and that's like us right now.. it's stuck in the mud... and i'm only goign to sit in the car for so long before i say forget this and jump out of the car and move on... i can't deny the fact that if he does realize this before i get totally over him i will consider going back with him again.. but then after spending the last week in this forum during my almost one month break up.. this is all that i've learned from you guyz on all your posts and advice.... and to that . i have to say.. MANY THANKS but of course.. i'm still going thru my emotional roller coaster ride.. but everyone has to have that... crap. Link to comment
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