I'm excited to start healing and moving on...but how do I do it??

[Suzanne1281]

I'm finally ready to start healing from the awful rollercoaster my ex had me on since March when he was "confused" about his feelings for me and for his ex. I won't go into the entire story as I've posted it so many times on here, so if you wish to read about the entire drama, you can search all of my threads. He basically kept going back and forth about who he wanted, lying his way through it in order to selfishly keep both of us until he decided. In the end, he basically couldn't deal with her getting upset as he said "she doesn't handle it very well" and he "can't stand up for himself", so he chose her while still telling me "it's not over". We initially said we would remain friends, though I didn't contact him at all. Last week, after I kept hearing from him, I realized if he wasn't contacting me because he was coming back, it was too hard for me. I talked to him about it. This girl looked at his text messages on his phone and got really upset when she saw he was still speaking with me. The day after, I received a pretty cowardly e-mail from him saying we shouldn't contact each other anymore. I wrote an email back finally sticking up for myself for the first time about how that's what I was trying to tell him, that I'm a better person than how I've been treated and that was that.

 

So I'm ready to start healing--I'm very much looking forward to it and the day that this no longer bothers me so much. I want to move on and learn to let go of my feelings for him and let go of the jealousy I have that he chose her over me. I've been starting to think pretty logically through it and KNOW that it really wasn't me (he's been doing this same on-off thing with this girl for 3 years...it really doesn't have anything to do with me). But I would like some advice from others who are on the other side of their breakups now who can give me advice and answer some of my questions:

 

1.) Is it normal to struggle with self-blame? I know it wasn't me, but I still pick things out and think "if only I had done this differently." For example, when we first started dating in November, he completely gave up talking to her for me (they were broken up in August, but I found out they were still basically seeing each other up until he got together with me). I wanted to take it slow in the beginning and get to know him, but he was VERY into me. I feel like if I had really dove into it right away, maybe he wouldn't have gone back to her. In January, when we started to get very close, we talked about this and I thought we had resolved it. But now I think it's possible because I didn't act super in love with him for the first two months, that he started speaking with her again, told her maybe they would get back together, and then didn't know what to do when I opened up more and wanted to get more serious with him.

 

I also struggle with thinking I made myself available when he had me in limbo. I stayed with him a couple of times during this period, and feel like if I hadn't, maybe he would still be around. And maybe when he did contact me, and I was expecting him to act like he used to, that might have pushed him away as well.

 

I struggle with the fact that when he did contact me, I would respond. I live with regret I was his "security blanket" and if I hadn't responded at all, maybe it would be different. But because in this case there was another person in the picture, I felt like if I didn't, he would choose her over me.

 

2.) How do I deal with my anger? I'm working on not being angry at myself, therapy plus the e-mail he sent to me the other day helped me to finally start directing my anger at him for hurting and lying to me. But now that I have this anger, how do I deal with it healthily? I've said my piece to him (in a very dignified manner according to everyone who has read my e-mail) and I'm very glad for it. It definitely helped in the healing process. I also talk to my mom and sister and therapist a lot and can express my anger about him to them. I know it's okay and healthy to recognize that I'm angry, but how do I really deal with this and work through it?

 

3.) How do I deal with seeing them together? Here's the thing: we have mutual friends. I am going to eventually have to see them together. I'm going to really have to work on how I react to it. This applies to my question above as well. Has anyone ever had to deal with a situation like this? Do I just ignore them and act like I don't care? What if she confronts me? This guy lied a LOT and would say things about her to me that put her in a pretty unflattering light--and now all of a sudden she's "wonderful." I know he must have lied about me to her too to keep her around, and what worries me more is that he probably lied to her about the texts she saw (he was contacting me and I'm worried he made something up to make himself look better in her eyes). I'm afraid of what my reactions might be and I want to learn to control them and act dignified.

 

4.) When is this pain going to end so that I can start moving on and see new people? I'm dating casually, but I can't imagine getting into anything serious right now when I'm so angry. Furthermore, when I do start dating someone special again, how the hell do I not have a wall around me because I don't want to get hurt again (this is partly why I wanted to take it slow with this current guy in the beginning and I feel like it's part of what drove him back to her)? Do I talk to the new special guy about it?

 

5.) How do I stop worrying about what she thinks of me? Again, he lied a LOT and god knows what he's made up about me to her. He went as far as telling me she cheated on him and gave him HPV and now for reasons I can go into if asked, I don't think that was true.

 

 

 

Any help from those who have already gotten through it is appreciated. I really look forward to the day I'm healed.

[lostandhurt]

I am just starting to heal after 20yrs together. I am nowhere near the end (whatever that is) but I can tell you this:

 

1. Good people who really wanted it to work and thought it was real tend to blame themselves at first. You are not to blame totally. The worst case would be 50/50 and it sounds like he is way closer to 90%. You cannot change the past so don't dwell on it. He made you and the other girl into a choice, not a person with feelings. I think you have known for a while that this guy isn't healthy for you but it can be hard to let go.

 

2.Anger. The longer you carry the anger inside you the longer he still affects your life. Don't let someone else's actions control your life or how you feel about yourself. It is the past and all the anger in the world can't undue what has happened. Letting go of the anger and finding forgiveness is for you, not him.

 

3.Seeing them together is something that will be as hard as you make it. In the beginning you should try and stay out of putting yourself in that situation. Later I think you will find that what you have built in your mind is much worse than what will really come to pass when it does happen.

 

4.This I cannot answer. My pain comes and goes. The only solice I have is that everytime it comes, it hurts less and lasts shorter and shorter.

 

5.How do you feel about yourself? Isn't that what really matters? In 6 months she may look at you as the lucky one! The truth has a way of rising to the top no matter how hard dis-honest people try and keep it hidden.

 

This might not be much help but think about what I have written. We cannot change our past even if we wanted to. The choices we made at the time were the best we could make at the time with the way we were feeling. Don't beat yourself up over what can't be changed, otherwise you are still letting this guy control your life.

 

lost

[Suzanne1281]

 

 

3.Seeing them together is something that will be as hard as you make it. In the beginning you should try and stay out of putting yourself in that situation. Later I think you will find that what you have built in your mind is much worse than what will really come to pass when it does happen.

 

 

 

Thanks, lost! So do you think I should stay away from our mutual friends for a few months? I know they will understand why I can't come around for a while. The problem is my pride-I don't want her taking over my group of friends, though they have known her for years anyway I guess.

 

 

The choices we made at the time were the best we could make at the time with the way we were feeling. Don't beat yourself up over what can't be changed, otherwise you are still letting this guy control your life.

 

 

I may need to write this one down and read it over and over again. I'm starting to feel spurts of letting go and detaching myself from the past. Like today when I went to my apartment, I used to be sad to think I'll never see his car parked out front again, and today it didn't seem to affect me as much.

 

I can't wait until I get to the point of forgiveness and letting go. I hope that's at least progress to WANT to let go.

[ycmanvs]

I think that right now you need to be away from people or places that remind you of him. Please do not blame yourself for anything that happened. You tried to be with someone who has problems with committment and it did not work.

Just be thankful that you figured this out sooner, rather than later.

Take as much time as you need to mourn the relationship and do No Contact.

After a few months, you will feel better and you will be able to see your friends and not react negatively if you bump into your ex.

[Suzanne1281]

I think that right now you need to be away from people or places that remind you of him. Please do not blame yourself for anything that happened. You tried to be with someone who has problems with committment and it did not work.

Just be thankful that you figured this out sooner, rather than later.

Take as much time as you need to mourn the relationship and do No Contact.

After a few months, you will feel better and you will be able to see your friends and not react negatively if you bump into your ex.

 

 

Thanks for the advice. I've had people tell me what you have, and then people telling me not to give up my friends because of him-and if he's uncomfortable with it then he can leave b/c he created the situation. It's a hard thing to make a decision on I guess. I'm just sad that 4th of July is Friday and I don't know what will happen.

[Godwin]

Thanks for the advice. I've had people tell me what you have, and then people telling me not to give up my friends because of him-and if he's uncomfortable with it then he can leave b/c he created the situation. It's a hard thing to make a decision on I guess. I'm just sad that 4th of July is Friday and I don't know what will happen.

 

Awww, what a shame. I have had loads of social events the last few weeks and I find the best thing to do is lose yourself in your friends. I was at a Wedding on Saturday of mutual friends (she avoided it) and the best thing I could do was act myself and keep smiling.

 

I am sure July 4th will be fine

[ycmanvs]

Thanks for the advice. I've had people tell me what you have, and then people telling me not to give up my friends because of him-and if he's uncomfortable with it then he can leave b/c he created the situation. It's a hard thing to make a decision on I guess. I'm just sad that 4th of July is Friday and I don't know what will happen.

 

I am not saying to give up your friends. What I suggest is making plans with your friends and making sure that you do not go to a place where the ex might be. Also, tell your friends that you do not want to talk about the ex, or hear anything about him.

[dream83]

I don't have any experience with the seeing them together thing, but all I can logically suggest is not putting yourself in a position to bump into them if you can't handle it. And if you do run into them, know in the back of your mind how dysfunctional this guy and apparently the way he views this woman is and tell yourself that you want not part in it. If he confronts you, refuse to talk about it. Public and around friends is not the place to go into the dirty details of whatever happened in your relationship. Be dignified and refuse to talk about it. You'll feel empowered.

 

As for the anger, it may help to write out your thoughts, maybe even type out emails, but save them as drafts (as long as you know you won't send them). I know I have tons of angry drafts that are still saved on my computer til this day Eventually the anger will fade once you start thinking about other things. Believe me, it will fade. In the meantime you could always go to the gym and take it out on a punching bag or whatever.

 

As for dating, don't worry about getting into anything serious until you're ready. What's most important is that you're honest with yourself and with the people you're going out with. If you're not even ready to date casually, feel free not to. You should be handling this at your own healthy pace.

[Suzanne1281]

I don't have any experience with the seeing them together thing, but all I can logically suggest is not putting yourself in a position to bump into them if you can't handle it. And if you do run into them, know in the back of your mind how dysfunctional this guy and apparently the way he views this woman is and tell yourself that you want not part in it. If he confronts you, refuse to talk about it. Public and around friends is not the place to go into the dirty details of whatever happened in your relationship. Be dignified and refuse to talk about it. You'll feel empowered.

 

.

 

I agree--if I'm confronted around friends I'll say it isn't the right place for it. If she confronts me, I'll tell her i do want to talk to her so that we can discover the truth, but in a different place. It's so hard because there are things coming up soon with our mutual friends that I want so badly to go to and can't because there's at least one thing that I know he'll be at. It's a struggle: I shouldn't go because I need to protect my own heart and peace of mind and on the other hand I want to go to stand up for myself to these two jerks and say "These are my friends, I'm not going anywhere and I'm not changing my life because of what you did." But it's not about them I suppose. It's about me and my healing.

 

And I try to remind myself how dysfunctional he is everytime I start to miss him. I re-read the cowardly e-mail he sent me and the confident "I'm better than you" e-mail I sent back.

 

 

As for the anger, it may help to write out your thoughts, maybe even type out emails, but save them as drafts (as long as you know you won't send them). I know I have tons of angry drafts that are still saved on my computer til this day Eventually the anger will fade once you start thinking about other things. Believe me, it will fade. In the meantime you could always go to the gym and take it out on a punching bag or whatever.

 

Oh I've done all of this. One positive thing is that I did at least get my anger out and express it to him in a dignified manner. It had to be done and I got my dignity and self respect back that way, and though he's probably angry, I probably got his respect back as well. Instead of a punching bag, I go to the batting cages and take out the aggression that way. I want to take your word for it that the anger is going to fade.

 

 

As for dating, don't worry about getting into anything serious until you're ready. What's most important is that you're honest with yourself and with the people you're going out with. If you're not even ready to date casually, feel free not to. You should be handling this at your own healthy pace.

 

I don't have any interest in being serious with a guy right now anyway. If I did try to, it would be out of spite to him and that would never end well and wouldn't be very nice to the guy I was dating. What I want to work on is not taking out what happened with him on a new guy when I do want to get serious.