Advice needed- recent break up

[Silent Lucidity]

I broke up with my girlfriend a few weeks ago. We dated for almost 2 years and had a great relationship up until the tail end, when there was a little bit of distance and I became very busy with work and my studies. I wasn't around on weekends and I didn't give her the necessary attention. She was stressed out because of her studies and I wasn't there all the time to support her and show her my love. There really wasn't much I could do except hope that this phase would pass and that the deep love we had would get us through it. Unfortunately unbeknownst to me there was a third party who began giving her attention and she started getting confused by her feelings for me and the fact that he was there and giving her the needed attention that I could only give by phone or the odd day here and there.Also she was hearing a lot from friends and in her studies that you can only know what you want if you date more than one person. I was her first boyfriend and she fell for me hard and to be frank I had a lot of girlfriends before, but she was my first true love. Eventually she called and said we should break up because her feelings were not as strong as they were before. She indicated that she still cared and loved for me but not like before. There wasn't much I could say except explain that relationships have phases and ours was past the infatuation phase and our love was deeper and based on a great friendship and understanding. I indicated that she was making a big mistake . She went on to further explain that she had to study for another 4 or so years and that beause I was 5 years older I deserve to marry and have a good life she said she wasn't ready for a relationship where marriage was a point of discussion. She said she had questions as to whether or not I was the one and she needed them answered.

 

I think I need to add several things. One, we dated behind the back of her parents as they forbade the relationship( any relationship) as they felt she should study only and that once she got a few years of her undergraduate work done she could date. Also she comes from a broken home. She never knew her father and her mother is on her third ( unsuccessful) marriage. She has no male role models around at all. I was it.

 

The past couple weeks have been hell. I still love her deeply and I know she still loves and cares for me. I made some mistakes but overall I was the perfect boyfriend. I can truly say that. I made the mistake of calling initially even expressing my emotions for her. She said I deserved the very best in life, and that she still cared and loved for me just not like before and that it was best to separate and move on . I recently got sick and she called and was all worried. She also explained there were days when she worried about me when the weather was bad. She called me for X-mas and wished me a Merry X-mas and she also keeps tabs on me through mutual aquaintances. She told one that her love for me is there, just not as strong and that I pushed her away and she felt some distance between us a few months back. She said she needed attention and didn't get it. She also explained to him that I was a great guy, and that I could do better than her probably and she didn't think she would find anyone better, but that she was enjoying attention from other guys, especially the third party mentioned above.

 

What to do ? I am moving on but in my heart I think she is the one and that she just doesn't know and appreciate how special and great our relationship was and how much we loved and love each other and how lucky we were to meet. I also think if she was older things would be a lot different.

 

Do I break contact completely ? how do I act if I run into her? if she calls ?

 

Any adive would be greatly appreciated

 

Brad

[BrandonBo]

one question did u tell her this if not try it sometimes they just need to talk bout it good luck!

[Ebowski]

I hate that this happened, but let's get to the point of all you two said.

 

She gave you a textbook breakup. I have said that line to two of my exes. Yes, I did mean it, but deep down the relationships had reached the end of the line.

 

Her telling you all this is her expressing her guilt for leaving you for someone else. She hurt you, but she does care. You should feel good for that. If she didn't care she would have just said "bye".

 

You should have gone about the relationship the right way and let her parents know what was going on. I have been in your shoes, and this is for the best. One girl's father was way overly protective, and he gave me the speech. At the end of it I said "I am sorry, but I really like you daughter. I think I can make her happy, but I am not willing to go behind your back."

 

It showed him that I was serious. All he wanted was what was best for her. Your girl's dad feels the same way. But that is over. If he is that protective of his girl, he would have found out about you two after that much time.

 

I hear you talk about "her" needs. She needs this, she needs that. I know you were there for her a great deal, but screw that, what about your needs? She didn't give as much as you did.

 

So don't beat yourself up saying how you could have tried more. In everything you do for the rest of your life, you can try harder than what you will do. Yes you could have tried harder with the relationship, but that doesn't matter. You could have tried harder studying. You could have tried harder washing behind your ears.

 

You did nothing wrong and everything right. Her saying she has needs that you can't fill is a piss poor excuse for her infidelity.

 

In the end, this breakup could have gone alot worse than it did. Be glad she cares, then pick up the pieces.

[Klementine475]

Hey there,

I like your user name.

sorry to hear about your break up.

If you want some good advice read this:

link removed

 

It really helped me get through my break up. I know you feel that there is a chance of getting her back but even if there is, you need to forget about it and try to heal yourself, its the most important thing and its possible.

So just try to be strong, not for anyone but yourself. It doesn't matter if she is from a broken home or if she has no male role model, its not your part to save her from all that and take care of her, your job was to love her and be there for her and to have her give the same love and attention to you.

anyway, hope everythign turns out for the best for both of you.

take care and good luck

[Silent Lucidity]

Thanks guys for your advice. I haven't written anything because a lot has gone on since I wrote the original message. Essentially I followed the rules of do's and don'ts after breaking up. Well she started calling one-twice even three times a week to see how I was doing. The concern seemed very genuine and more along the lines of a somebody who still has strong feelings and cares for the other person-even though they are no longer together. I then called to say lets meet so that I can return some cd's and disks,which I have of yours. it was supposed to be a 10 minute meeting. It lasted 2 hours and we hugged and I noticed her looking deep into my eyes and then she asked me" do you know what I want right now ?" I knew, but didn't want to seem cocky so I said a hug ? and she said no. I knew it was a kiss, but Ijust didn't want to press the situation. The jist of it we had a short kiss and then she had to leave. The next day she called and apologized, saying she shouldn't have done that. I said do you really want to apologize ? She said well, no....Those are my feelings and I don't want to apologize for having them. She then proceeded to call me on New Year's eve at midnight to wish me a happy New Year . I let a couple days go by and then I called and she said that I had read her mind. In other words she wanted to call me....She also told a mutual friend that she was lost and that a part of her really wants me back- a part of her doesn't. Then she called me a few days later to see how I was and I wrote her a cute e-mail about the Holidays and Her life. She loved it. We then met for coffee strictly as friends and I brought her chocolates and a teddy bear-they were late X-mas gifts. I wanted to show her my romantic side. I then told her that the teady bear was to be me from now on, gave him my nickname and since I wasn't going to be around and that whenever she needed advice she should talk to him and think what my response would be and let those words flow from him. She broke down and cried and said the teady bear was nowhere near as cute as me. she hugged him very tight and cried away for several minutes. Then we hugged for a good 5 minutes. After that a song came up on one of my cd's which was sort of our song when I was away for a month last year, she shed a tear and skipped to the next tune, she said she couldn't listen to that song ever again. We then talked and the conversation somwhow lead to the question of love and we both admitted that we still loved each other. We then hugged and she kissed me on the forehead and cheek. I then drove her home and kissed her on the cheek...then I asked where was my kiss ? she kissed me on the cheek which later turned to a kiss on the lips and then several minutes of long kissing. This was 2 days ago. Yesterday I didn't call and she responded to a group e-mail( many contacts) I wrote 2 days ago saying thank you and that she hoped I would be ok and If wanted to talk to her whenever, to give her a call. There was no mention of what happened the day before and I am as lost as ever Furthermore, she signed the e-mail with the nickname I gave her and used to call her in an affectionate manner. She is currently using that nickname on her yahoo messenger and ICQ-rather than other nicknames she had used before. Someone tell me what to do and how to approach this situation.....I am lost ...

 

2 Ebowski, I have to say that you are partially right. I did treat her very well and she loved me deeply. I believe she still does. She is spoiled. You are correct. But her claim that I neglected her and stopped doing the little things in November( the month before we broke up) is very legit . I became way too confident and thought too highly of myself I took the relationshop and her for granted for a 4 week period. The relationship became too casual. Truth is I was busy-very busy and very stressed and should have taken a break from the relationship because I wasn't myself. She was also under tremendous stress and you see what it lead to...

[Silent Lucidity]

Update: she called accidentally, as she wanted to dial another number and accidentally dialed mine. I then proceeded to ask about the kiss 2 days earlier, and her response was that it never happened or she didn't remember it happening and we ended up arguing ...she seemed so stressed out about school and things. It was unbelievable.

 

Then I called saturday and she said that maybe it happened and that she hoped I wouldn't tell anyone and that yes she still loved me and was attracted to me. I am absolutely lost as it sounds as thought we still care and love for each other but are both lost souls going through very stressful times in our lives. I wish someone could give me some kind of clue as to what to do. Apart of me says that I need to show her that I care, but that I need to emphasize that I am doing just fine single. This goes against the grain of what is being advised here.

 

Please help

 

Davis

[disEnchantid]

Hi S.L.,

It sounds to me like your ex is very confused about how she feels, which is understandable, but in the process she is being really insensitive to your feelings! I think the best thing for you right now would be to back away from her as far as possible, if only to protect yourself! While I am sure that you really enjoyed kissing her again, was it really worth the pain and increased confusion that resulted afterward? I think you are absolutely right that you should emphasize that you are doing fine being single, but I think you should also make it clear that if she wants to keep you in her life then playing with your emotions is not acceptable. I feel like the best thing for you right now is to distance yourself from her and let yourself heal without continually having the wound reopened by her confusion about her feelings. You seem like a really caring guy and you deserve to be treated with care and respect.

 

Best of luck! We're here for you!

[Silent Lucidity]

People, I got the worst news yesterday. Apparently my ex is seeing another guy already They apparently recently slept together...I can't believe it A week ago we looked to be reconcilling and she told me she loved me and then I hear this. How can she go out with somebody so soon after we broke up ? THEN SLEEP WITH HIM !! I am totally heart broken. I haven't slept a wink in a day and a half and I refuse to even look at food. The worst part is the guy is a short, fat loser. They were friends ( he was the third party in the original post)and she used to joke about him. I trusted her. I just can't understand it. I mean I work part time as a model and am a pretty successful young entrepeneur who completed university before my 21-st birthday. I was such a good boyfriend and we seemed so in love. Her friends used to say I was one in a million. I feel like the biggest heap of cow....This is the worst news am completely devasted and in need of support.............

[Silent Lucidity]

Just writing to update everyone as to my situation. I have good news.Me and my ex-g/f are back together. We got back together on Valentine's day. I followed the rules of no contact to a tee and it worked well. But, I have to say that in the end she came back to me because she realized she loved me and that I was the one. No amount of games or schemes would have changed that much. The Key was that the no contact rule showed her that I am worth fighting for, that I have pride and that I can survive without her. This is crucial. I resumed my life and moved on confidently. I resumed meeting people and got my life on track . Nobody wants a doormat or somebody who is desperate and extremely needy. They want someone confident, secure and proud of who they are without any arrogance. The no contact rule made her realize this sooner. I think if I had called her sometimes and remained heavily in the picture she would still have come back to me, but it would have been at least 6 months or years later. Perhaps too late. The no contact rule help me get through the toughest time of my life-pure hell. Even if I hadn't gotten back with the ex, I would have still been a much better person having applied those rules.

 

Thanks to all.

[SincerlyHurt]

Congrats to you. I hope everyone here including myself can gain some strength from your outcome. I hope everything works out with the two of you.

 

Stick around, we need someone with firsthand success to get us through those lonely down times.

[Hopingpraying]

Please keep us updated on your success or god forbid possible failure. Please don't think I am wishing anything bad on you. I am not. I want you to succeed so you can tell me how you did it.

 

I take strength from your story!!