Malaise and Confusion at 28.

[eTired]

I spoke awhile ago about my abrupt breakup with the girl I had been with for 6 1/2 years. Well, she did the breaking up after telling me that she doesn't know if she's gay or not. She still lives with me because of the lease, which makes it even more difficult. Plus, she seems quite content and not the least bit remorseful. It's been about three weeks or so, but still.

 

Maybe I should have put this in another forum, if so, I apologize, but speaking of the breakup and the weeks that have followed, things just seem very bleak all around for me, and I get a bit tired of brooding in silence, and since I have maybe 2 or 3 friends and barely any family, this place seemed to next best option.

 

So here goes.

 

I have been trying to reconcile the things I have been feeling since the breakup, but the nature of the break up itself is particularly humiliating, to me anyways. I dunno, maybe I am over-thinking it. It just seems that this compounds the feelings of inadequacy that I have felt my entire life. Growing up without a father, or comparable figure of any sort, and after being abandoned by my mother at 15, and treated like crap by most of the people in my life. It just seems to me that I am cast aside all too often by people when they are done with me.

 

Now, I don't mean to sound the consummate victim. I am fully aware of the bad things I have done in my life, and I take responsibility for them. And I also know that we are often the cause of many, sometimes most, of the problems in our lives.

However.

 

These things that have happened, keep happening just reinforce those original bad feelings I have of myself. When these type of things happen, and people generally treat me a certain way, it lends credence to the belief that maybe, it's me that's the problem.

 

I'm 28. I can't keep a relationship together. I can't even keep a girl straight. I work at a crappy job, because things were so bad at home that I had to drop out before I even finished Junior High. (I've earned my GED, but for those that have GED's knows just how valuable those are) All the opportunities that were offered to all of my siblings were stripped away from me because of my Mother's drug use and dealing. I was never taken into the dentist for checkups when I was younger, so I am suffering the consequences of that now. During my teen years my spine went into a moderate S-curve that has caused me severe problems ever since. I developed G.E.R.D. during my teen years as well, but have done an ok job of managing it today.

 

I have problems getting along with most others, because well, I just have that look I suppose. People have summed it up for me before. Basically, I look and seem angry, no matter what my mood is. The best I can reply is, "this is my face, this is just the way I am, I can't help it." It would be nice if people would consider how hurtful that criticism is before they utter it.

 

I have no prospects for the future, and have busted my ass to maintain the modicum of financial stability I have now, which is tenuous.

 

I'm sorry for sounding whiny while taking a grim inventory here, but dammit. Sometimes, I can't help but think, what the hell is the point? What in the world would a girl want to do with me? What does anyone want to do with me? Why do I even bother? Maybe I am just an inconsequential person that should just remove myself publicly save for going to work, and the occasional trip to the store/dentist/whatever.

[Supa_gurl]

I have problems getting along with most others, because well, I just have that look I suppose. People have summed it up for me before. Basically, I look and seem angry, no matter what my mood is. The best I can reply is, "this is my face, this is just the way I am, I can't help it." It would be nice if people would consider how hurtful that criticism is before they utter it.

 

 

I somewhat understand this. My husband is the same way. So there is hope. I am constantly asking him "what is wrong?" Because that is just the way he looks.

 

I don't think you should remove yourself from society. The bf I had before my husband I couldn't keep straight, and I didn't find this out until after the break up so that was really a crush to my ego (yes, women have egos too). I know it is cliche' but there are others out there, as in "other fish in the sea". I think you should continue your daily routine, no matter how painful, and persevere because you are worth it. And you will find that you are worth it when a better, and more genuine woman comes along that is worth your time and effort. good luck to you.

[correspondent08]

Hi eTired,

 

Sounds like you've got a long list of things. I know that when my world falls apart its often a case of a whole bunch of things seeming to happen at once. If I try to think about all of them all at once its just too much and it will crush me on the spot.

 

If you can, do yourself a favor and try to ignore some of the items, forgive yourself a little bit. Easier said than done I know, but troubles get solved one at a time. Its way too overwhelming to bring so many items together at once.

 

It sounds like the live in girlfriend thing is probably the most immediate/hurtful item. I went through something similar 10 years ago, I was living with a girlfriend and things weren't working out, and we stayed together for a couple of months in the same apartment to keep cost down. This is a really tough choice, sounds like you are trying to be really amicable and fair with somebody who has hit you really hard and hurt you really badly.

 

My girlfriend of 10 years ago also moved onto a new relationship with a woman after she left me, I realized after the fact that she had probably been seeing this woman, or at least getting to know her while we were still living together. Just to offer a little bit of perspective, I don't think that choice had anything to do with me, nor do I think that your girlfriends inclinations have anything to do with you. Lots of people argue that sexual dispositions are genetic, or at least somehow preprogrammed from a very young age. If she is gay, nobody could have kept her straight.

 

You ask some tough questions- "...what would anybody want with me?" Its a question we all have to answer. Give yourself a chance. There is no one ideal girl or guy that everybody would be happy with, but there is a wide variety of needs and desires out there. Different people need different things.

 

Good Luck,

 

correspondent08

[eTired]

My ex remaining with me is pretty much the most immediate and hurtful thing right now. I can't even look her in the eye. All I can do is think of the past 6 years noticing all that was wrong, and how humiliating the way in which she ended things with me, and this thinking just takes me right back into the cycle of abandonment, distrust and hopelessness. But, I just don't think it would be right or good of me to flat out tell her to find another place to live. I've had that done to me far too many times and cannot do it to someone else, at least not her. I still have feelings for her, but I have no illusions of ever getting back together with her, unless she did something incredibly drastic, which I know she won't. She won't even strike up a serious or meaningful discussion, I always had to.

 

The way which she broke with me, not knowing if she is gay or not, sits particularly bad for several reason.

 

1: Being a guy, I cannot help but wonder if there was something inadequate about me that pushed her in that direction. It may be foolish thinking I know, but it is unavoidable.

 

2: Just really how long has this been going on? She has been emotionally and physically distant with me for a long time. It's easy to forgive certain things when you are with someone, but now that I look back on it, how can I believe her when she tells me that it was only in the past few months that she became confused. It just makes me question the entire relationship.

 

3: You'd think by the time you are 26 that you'd have some damn clue as to what you're doing and who you are. I don't mean absolute, but SOME clue, I mean seriously.

 

4: The fact that I moved 1,400 miles with her for US. But, looking back it's hard to see how it was ever about us but instead all about her. Most of the time it was all about her. When a problem came up, or with finances, it was never really us, it was her side and my side despite my wish for it to be about us.

 

5: She only recently (about a year ago) told me that she really did believe in marriage when she led me to believe that she never did. Her excuse was that she was just telling me that because it's what I wanted to hear, which is complete BS. If there is one thing she should have known is that I always, always, always asked her for what she was really thinking, and what she really wanted, instead of making decisions for her as she often asked me to do.

 

Like I said, I can't even look her in the eye anymore, and I am wondering if my feelings of betrayal and mistreatment are valid, or if I am just overreacting as I am capable of doing. But anymore, I get so angry when I think about her and our past. I just want to yell and scream at her and tear her down and make her feel like she has made me feel; an accumulation over the past 6 1/2 years.

 

I know that being in doubt and unsure is part of being human. Most, if not all people are really insecure when you get down to it, but I feel like I can't keep doing this with people all the time. When I look at the relationship ship we had, where my ex was never really treated well by her past boyfriends, and then I come along and try to do everything right, and by her own admission (in the past) that she was never happier with a guy (even to the point of tears), and it still doesn't work out. Not only doesn't it work out, but it ends of a very mind-numbingly and hurtful way on HER PART.

 

I just don't get it. And it's hard to not look to myself as the reason that my relationships, any of them, ever last.

[correspondent08]

But, I just don't think it would be right or good of me to flat out tell her to find another place to live. I've had that done to me far too many times and cannot do it to someone else, at least not her.

 

I understand where you are at here. Throwing somebody out isn't that nice, but if you are horribly miserable living with her, then maybe you could work something out.

 

1: Being a guy, I cannot help but wonder if there was something inadequate about me that pushed her in that direction. It may be foolish thinking I know, but it is unavoidable.

 

Did you ever have a girlfriend that you disliked so much that you would have preferred to become gay yourself, and get involved with a guy? Think that way for just a moment- if she is telling you she is gay it isn't about you. If she was straight, and simply wanted out, she would go find a new guy.

 

2: Just really how long has this been going on? She has been emotionally and physically distant with me for a long time. It's easy to forgive certain things when you are with someone, but now that I look back on it, how can I believe her when she tells me that it was only in the past few months that she became confused. It just makes me question the entire relationship.

 

Maybe she doesn't really understand it herself. For her, she could be juggling a lot of things in her mind- how she feels about you- how she feels about her job- if she is gay will she tell her parents- where will she live... You don't have to sympathize with these issues- they are her problems, not yours, and she has made it clear that she wants to no longer be involved with you... but there may be a lot going on in her head that she hasn't shared lately.

 

3: You'd think by the time you are 26 that you'd have some damn clue as to what you're doing and who you are. I don't mean absolute, but SOME clue, I mean seriously.

 

I'm 39. I've got very little clue about how to deal with my live in girlfriend. Take my advice with a grain of salt- sorting out details with girlfriends is difficult.

 

4: The fact that I moved 1,400 miles with her for US. But, looking back it's hard to see how it was ever about us but instead all about her. Most of the time it was all about her. When a problem came up, or with finances, it was never really us, it was her side and my side despite my wish for it to be about us.

 

You are probably a generous individual, and sometimes things work out like that, somebody needs, somebody gives... it doesn't guarantee things will work.

 

Like I said, I can't even look her in the eye anymore, and I am wondering if my feelings of betrayal and mistreatment are valid,

 

Yes. Someone is leaving you (for whatever reason) because they think they have found something better (whatever that is). This is someone that you invested in, that you loved, that you took seriously, that you've known for a long time. This will hurt for a long while. This won't kill you, but you will feel loss, suffering, and a variety of other painful emotions before things get better.

 

I just want to yell and scream at her and tear her down and make her feel like she has made me feel; an accumulation over the past 6 1/2 years.

 

This might help, and it might not. Remember you are a dude, men who cut loose their temper sometimes hurt people. If you want to express anger and hurt, do so, but do it in a controlled way- no alcohol, no physical violence. If she doesn't understand how upset you are, telling her might be the best road to sorting out your living scenario.

 

Good Luck

[eTired]

I'd like to thank those who responded. For an update, I am feeling much better, at the moment at least.

What's stupid about all of this is that I know better by now. Yeah, I hurt, and still feel kinda crappy, sad and alone, but I do have some worth, and I need to try harder to not let my negativity of myself overcome.

 

I still have my doubts, and loneliness, but it's slowly getting better. I just hope I don't have a relapse.