FWB with housemate

[jules88]

First time posting and just wanting your opinions really. Sorry if its a bit long.

 

I am really good friends with one of my housemates and there has always been a bit of a spark. About 2 months ago we slept together and the next morning we discussed it and agreed to a friends with benefits type relationship. A proper relationship wouldn't work because of several reasons, he has suffered with depression and deals with it by shutting himself off emotionally, not getting close to anything/anyone. He is also quite difficult, he's a bit of a loner and is quite unpredictable. For me I don't think I could handle being in a relationship with him especially considering we live we eachother, it would be too intense and would damage the friendship.

 

So we did the FWB thing for about a month and that was good then we finished uni for summer and both moved back home. We agreed to not continue sleeping with eachother over summer because of the distance and we are both on holiday quite a bit. But have both said that when we move back to uni (will be living with him again then) that things are likely to pick up where they left off.

Basically my problem is I have missed him a lot. More than I was expecting to, he is on my mind most of the time. Do you think a FWB thing can work when you already care for and are emotionally attached to them? I want to be with him but I know a relationship would probably not work....am I being an idiot, should I just leave it?

[britt92084]

NO IF YOU HAVE FEELINGS GET OUT

 

seriously, if you know there is no chance of relationship do not pursue this anymore.

 

you are gonna end up hurt in the end.

 

I think that you may have to learn this the hard way, but seriously its not worth it.

 

 

 

 

what would you do if you found him in bed with another girl?

 

that happened to me and my FWB a Lonnnnnnnnnnnnnng time ago. I was just heartbroken but technically I had no right to be because he made it clear no relationship just fun.

 

it took a big heartbreak for me to realize that I was a fool.

 

you're lucky you guys moved out because it would've gotten realllllly messy. but good luck at whatever you decide to do

[pinkelephant]

you should stop it, yes. you'll get hurt if you want more and he won't give you more.

 

 

you'll have a ton of questions why he won't give you more and it'll be damaging to your self esteem.

[happilytogether]

Hey Jules88....I get what your saying but you know some thing; women are easily to be emotionally attached then men. A lot of men can see sex as sex and nothing else. Women on the other hand get attached and end up having feelings and so on. I can suggest one of two things....leave it and just be friends...but nothing else or try going for a relationship and possibly helping him out. there are anti-depressants out there that can help him....I deal with a great about of depression and since I have gotten help....I have been a happier person....I've had a 4 year relationship in the past and now I’m in a 1 year with my girl...very happy!

[Whiskers]

Sadly, you need to get out. If you like him FWB will not work!

Sorry.

XXXX

[BeStrongBeHappy]

FWB doesn't work if you are attached to him and hope for more. It will keep you from looking for a real, full spectrum relationship.

 

It's really like trying to live on cookies when you need a real meal. Sex is not a full spectrum relationship. You're constantly hungry, and it's not healthy for you. Your heart will get broken too if he does meet a woman he wants to date and not just have sex with.

[Lamprey]

You picked a mate, and subconsciously for a girl that's a bigger deal than they realize. You got attached emotionally despite yourself.

 

The thing for you to do now is to look for other housing accommodations after the summer. You obviously can't continue your current arrangement because as like you said, the guy has issues and from the get go you agreed not to take care of them (friends, not lovers). However, if you continue living together and not sleeping together it'll get weird.

 

Find another place to live. It will put some space between you two, which is good as it'll keep the frienship from deteriorating into a doomed relationship. Give him some bull * * * * lines about it... you know, the usual ones such as "being in college, I really want to experience as much as I can, which means living somewhere else for a change. You don't mind do you?". You'll need to feed him another line to explain why you cut off sex, something like "I met someone back home over the summer and want to save myself for him" will work for 2-3 months after which the status quo will change and you'll no longer be expected to have sex.

 

In that time, you'll probably meet someone else provided you're reasonably good-looking and fun to be around. And before you know it, voila! Disaster averted and friendship saved.

[Excalibur]

It apperas you do want "a relationship" and you're choosing to try to "get him to want that to" - despite waht you tell yourself.

 

If you were dating other guys and evaluating them as potential relationship partners while having a sexual outlet - that'd be one thing.

 

But you're not doing that.

[CakeLove]

"Like trying to live on cookies." I like that. Great analogy!

 

Yeah, you know he isn't relationship material. Don't delude yourself and think that your "love" might bring him around. I would step over him and look ahead. Don't want you to end up hurt or disappointed !

 

Take care!

[jules88]

Thanks for the advice, its not what I want to hear but its what I expected to hear.

 

I can't move out next year, I've already signed the contract and I don't want to move as I get on really well with the other people in the house. So that option is out of the window.

 

Just wanted to add some extra information. Firstly I have very little relationship experience and I haven't been involved with a guy for over a year so I'm not really a person who dates. I just don't meet guys I fancy often but if I did meet someone I liked I would consider being in a relationship with them. Equally my housemate has not dated anyone in a long time and he isn't looking too so I'm not worried about him finding someone else. I wouldn't be that bothered if he slept with another girl but I would be bothered if he wanted a relationship with someone else because that would go against everything he said to me about not wanting a relationship because of his emotional issues.

 

Secondly I am in no way in love with him and can't see myself falling in love with him (but I've never come close to being in love before so very inexperienced with that side of things) and I am under no illusion that my sleeping with him will magically make him want to be in a relationship. Nor do I want that. I knew I was emotionally attached before we slept together because he is my friend and I care about him. Can sex not just be an extension of a close friendship in that its something that we both want and can give to eachother?

I am missing being with him but also I am just missing being with someone, its quite confusing trying to separate out which emotions are specifically to do with him and which are just general missing physical contact with someone feelings.

 

Sorry for rambling on, thanks for what everyone has said so far

[Lamprey]

Jules, it sounds like you're trying to convince yourself that you can handle this. The conventional wisdom - as well as objective folks looking from the outside in through the prism of your perception of this - are telling you it's not a good idea and that you're making a mistake.

 

On the other hand, we learn from our mistakes. And you *are* in college, which is supposed to be a time for learning. So good luck to ya