should i apologize or not?

[dan10]

if you just want the question and and my problem just scroll down to the last paragraph. everything before that is just background information in case you want to know what has happened.

i was going out with a girl for about 8 or 9 months. then my life got to a point where i couldnt handle it anymore and i broke up with her, got back together with her, and broke up again, a couple of times. the second to last break up she started seeing another guy (i think as a rebound to make me jealous because we were planning on getting back together i just wanted some time alone) then she dumped him to get back together with me. then we broke up for the last time about a week later.

 

(this part is kind of confusing so i'll state the facts then i'll tell you my theory on things)

 

facts: a couple days after we broke up she told her mother that she thought she was pregnant and the kid was mine. her mom called my mom and there was a whole big issue about what would happen if she was and blah blah blah. she found out that she wasnt pregnant which was my guess all along because she was on birth control, and we stopped having contact.

 

my theory: i think she was making up the thinking she was pregnant because she wanted me to be with her again and she could draw out pretending until i was happy with being with her and everything would be fine and dandy again. but it didnt work so she got mad at me

 

back to only factual events in order

 

after the whole pregnancy thing was over she went out and got a new bf (again i think it was a rebound thing). i am friends with some girls that go to her school who happen to hate her. i was mad because she decided to go spill the beans about us having sex. so me and another girl decided to pretend we were going out so that it would tick her off. i was standing talking to a group of girls at the school and my ex decides to come to us(i didnt provoke her or look at her or anything she just saw me talking to other people and came to me) she got her new boyfriend (who i'd never met) walks over (instead of just walking away) and starts saying things like "what do you think your doing here?!?!" so my obvious answer was to tell her that i was with this other girl. her boyfriend now gets pissed off at me because i talked to her. so he starts acting like this guy who could snap me in half with 2 fingers, gets up in my face and tells me not to talk to her like that. i was expecting a confrontation so i was very careful to keep my cool and not use a mean or smartass tone with anyone. and he gets even more pissed at me because i'm not getting mad at him. anyways the point is eventually they left and i kept talking to the girls.

 

that was when i found out that she'd been telling her friends and everyone that i used her. a 9 month relationship where all i did was love her with every fiber of my being, until the end when i started to loose control of my life. and she goes and starts telling people that i used her. that was my first hint that she was manipulating facts in her head so that i looked like an a-hole to everyone who didnt know me.

 

a few days later i actually started dating one of the girls that i was talking to who goes to the school. so i went to pick her up from the park next to the school one day and my ex decides to have her friend call me while i'm there spending time with my new gf so that they could pick a fight with me. i'm not the kind of person who backs down from threats but i usually can talk my way out of things, but just in case i couldnt talk my way out of it i had brought a knife to make sure i wouldnt loose if my ex's new bf decided to try and hit me. i had reason to believe he would because he was telling me that he was going to kill me the first time i met him.

 

so long story short. one of my ex's friends went and got my ex's mom to come. i guess so that they would have an adult witness in case there actually was a fight so that my testimony wouldnt mean anything. by the time she got there my new gf was already verbally beating the heck outta my ex's new bf so i was just standing there watching. (i was pretty sure he wouldnt hit a girl) after me and my gf left and they felt all victorious and started yelling after us that we should just keep walking and all that bs. i was very tempted to just turn back and knife them but i didnt for my gf's sake.

o i forgot to mention... while we were at the park my ex was telling me that her parents were going to get a restraining order against me if i kept coming near her. which i thought was funny because i hadn't contacted her or gone to her since the breakup. she was the one calling me and coming to me.

 

so i am 100% confident that she will not get a restraining order against me because she has no reason to. she is just pissed that i didnt get back together with her and i really doubt that u can get a restraining order for that.

 

anyways i havent seen or heard from her or about her for about 3 weeks now and i decided today that it is time for me to move on and get completely over her and this whole problem. i have a great relationship with the girl i'm with now. things are moving a little fast and honestly i dont think that we will last forever if we both stay exactly the way we are now, but people change and it is possible. we both love each other and so everything is great between us. but every once in a while my ex crosses my mind. so i decided to write a letter apologizing for the things i did wrong in my relationship with her (using her is not included in that) and i said a couple of times that she knows i never used her and that i loved her with all my heart and soul. and that i didnt want a response i just wanted to write it to her so that i could make my conscience completely clear and not worry about it anymore. i was about to send it to her, but then thought that mabey i shouldnt because if she has moved on (which i doubt by the way based on the 2-3 weeks of her friends bringing up the topic of my ex) then i should just let her be and just save it so that if i ever happen to get in a position where i am forced to deal with her again i can give it to her or whatever.

 

so i am just wondering if you guys think i should send it. i'm kind of torn because if i send it then i know that my conscience is clear and that i have apologized for everything that i did wrong (even though i did it to protect her from me) and so i could completely move on and never have to think about it again. however if i send it and she has already come to terms with her sick twisted mind about everything then it will reopen all that for her, which i'm not sure i want to do. another thing is that if i send it her mind will probably twist it around and she will alter it so that instead of saying what it actually says it will say to all her friends and her new bf (if they are still together) "i want you back and i'm sending this to get you back" which isnt the case and i stated that in it. on the other side, if i do not send it then i havent completely solved all my issues because i wrote it and apologized for the wrong things i did, but not to her. i just wrote it to myself and nothing will ever happen with it so she and everyone else will never know i had these thoughts. so what do you guys think? send it or not?

[Fghtffyrdmns]

Well, I think you shouldn't send it. It's better if you just keep it for yourself. That way you can still clear your conscience and no trouble will come of it. Honestly, after reading that, I don't think you have any reason to apologize. Your ex is the one that should apologize. Then again, I don't know the whole story. But, keep the letter for yourself.

[dan10]

well in the letter i am only apologizing for the multiple breakups that i did which i now realize was wrong. i should have just broken up with her once and fixed all my problems and then gotten back together with her if we still wanted to be together instead of going on and off every couple of days for a month ish

[Fghtffyrdmns]

Yes, that probably would have been best, but what's done is done. Anyways, I hope everything works out with you and the new girlfrann.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

No, I don't think you should write it...leave it alone and just learn that you shouldn't treat people that way. As for the pregnancy..you don't really know if she was making that up or not...it is quite possible she indeed thought she was pregnant....so maybe that should be a lesson to you about responsible sex. Do you have goals and dreams for your future...what do you want to do with your life...why are you bouncing from one girl to the next...if you do end up getting a girl pregnant that will change your life and any dreams you have for your future. I imagine you are still in high school...do you really want to be a father at your age? If a letter should be written, it should be to your parents apologizing for being irresponsible and dragging them into this whole mess...because if you do get a girl pregnant and she chooses to keep the baby, your parents will probably have to help you foot half of the bill until you earn enough money to do it yourself.

[dan10]

-crazy,

 

first off i already wrote it. my question was wether or not i should send it. second i did what i did because i was having a mental breakdown and would have been alot worse if i would have dragged my ex into that. third even if she did think she was pregnant she should have called me and then i could have helped her find out before she went and told her mother. i'm not in highschool. i'm not bouncing from one girl to the next. i wouldnt have let my ex keep the baby if she had been pregnant. i wasnt being irresponsible. i didnt drag them into it, my ex did. so if your going to criticize me make sure you have your facts strait before you go and say i did everything wrong.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

i wouldnt have let my ex keep the baby if she had been pregnant

 

It is still her choice to make whether or not she keeps the baby..her body, her ultimate choice. As for telling her parents...she has every right to tell them if she wants...given the history of your relationship, maybe that is why she didn't go to your first. She figured she can count on the support of her parents. Just from the way this whole thing went down, it sounded to me like all of you were still in high school...or at any rate, still very young. I am not saying you did everything wrong...your ex and all the players in this drama seem to have done all kinds of wrong things...everyone is at fault and had a handle it creating this whole big mess.

[dan10]

crazy about dogs -

 

there isnt a big mess anymore. i havent been with her for a while. i've moved on for the most part. the only thing that keeps lingering is that she's twisting things around and telling everyone that i used her. and that makes me look bad. so in the letter i wrote i said that i'm sorry for breaking up with her numerous times and that she knows that i never used her and she's just twisting the truth around.

 

i dont really care about anything that has happened i'm just having difficulty deciding wether or not to send her the letter or not because i want to tell her that she's being a b@#$% about telling everyone that i used her when she knows i didnt.

 

i guess i should have titled this post as "should i send the letter" instead of should i apologize.

 

but my only dilemma is if i should send the letter or not.

 

and since i posted this i've been doing some thinking on it and now i just want to write her a note that says "stop being a b@#$% and stop telling people i used you because i never did. everything i did you invited and if your going to tell people i used you i'm going to tell people you have herpies"

 

what do you guys think about me writing something like that?

[deang]

sending the letter today isn't going to make one bit of difference...maybe this will help...take the letter and put it away for a month. That way you have all your thoughts written down and don't need to worry about it. If after a month you think it is in HER and your best interest to send it then. I think you have no reason to send this immediately. I doubt she even thinks about those things and would only mess her up is she did get it. If she misses you then that letter will be painful for her and if she doesn't then it will be meaningless to her. Don't send it today. I'd advice not sending it at all but take some time if you need to.

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

if your not sure if you should send it or not, you have your answer..not.

 

you cant be judged on words you didnt send.. silence is golden

[dreamwarrior]

sending the letter today isn't going to make one bit of difference...maybe this will help...take the letter and put it away for a month. That way you have all your thoughts written down and don't need to worry about it. If after a month you think it is in HER and your best interest to send it then. I think you have no reason to send this immediately. I doubt she even thinks about those things and would only mess her up is she did get it. If she misses you then that letter will be painful for her and if she doesn't then it will be meaningless to her. Don't send it today. I'd advice not sending it at all but take some time if you need to.

 

Do not send the letter at this moment...save it for now. Funny thing is I am also going to write a letter to my ex to make him understand why I kept my decision to not get back with him and why, BUT, I am not going to send it to him until after I move back to my town. I will give it to my roommate with instructions to give it to him after my departure along with the ring he gave me several days ago.

 

As far as the gifts he gave to me...well I am going to keep them...those are my memories of happy moments and I deserve to keep my memories. I don't want to think of my whole relationship as bad because that is not healthy. The hardest part is missing the cute cabin far up in the mountains he took me to on our first date and where we had the most memorable romantic times...it was our castle 10,000 feet up in the Sierra...the quietness of the forest with all the tall trees with the sun glisting through or the house hidden in the winter time with all the snow at night you could hear the whistle of the train going through the mountain pass and me and him would be upstairs in our room holding each other tight while the fire downstairs would be keeping up nice and cozy....he would make me hot apple cider and we would watch the old version of the Wizard of OZ....how can I replace those memories...I can't...we had alot of first times there and now it's nothing more than a memory.

 

I tend to think it's the memories that keep us hanging on to that person, because noone wants to lose them...perhaps it not just the person we miss, but the memories of better times....last time I was with him at his families cabin was the past Christmas, it was always me and him alone there...he took out the sled and we were laughing and slipping around in the snow I was trying to push him down the hill...heheheh so funny to see.

 

Drug addiction and the people who addicts tend to associate with are a bad combination....the fairytale I had was destroyed by his addiction and I can never again be with anyone who has this problem...as the dumper it's still been just as painful as though I was the dumpee...I had to do what was best for me and for that I had to walk away knowing I was going to be in alot of pain.

 

Yes, once I am gone he will get my letter and his ring back...hopefully one day he will look back smile when he thinks of me...I would surely hate the love we shared to be in vain.

[dan10]

HEY EVERYONE I'VE GOT BREAKING NEWS FOR YOU!!!!

 

my ex just had her best friend call me. its 1 in the morning where i am and they called me. i guess they are having a sleepover or something.

 

i'm gonna put the details in a new post called "what should i do now? my ex is calling me"

 

thank you for all your help here

 

if you want to know what just happened read my next post