I'm 30... she's 18...

[jamesdyer]

Hi guys, first thanks for taking the time to read and/or reply to this post.

 

Well as always there is this girl who I worked with. We found that we got on really well as co-workers and as the months went on we both started looking forward to working together more and more after 5 or 6 months we happened to text telling eachother we have feeling for eachother.

 

To stay on the side of caution we to things really slow, so going out for a coffee at first or just go watch a film etc. I have no kids and I'm not looking for marrage but I don't treat relationships as a laugh if you get me, I would not be in one if I didn't feel we both made eachother happy. She is working a full time job but lives at home with her mum and dad. From what I can tell we both seem to be on the same page in life

 

Now back to where we are at... Ok 2 months passed after the first date and we kissed and as the months passed we got closer and closer. Now 6 months on we have fallen in love and slept together but we have not really gone public with the relationship. We need to do this or pass on it but doing it would mean meeting her family and I can't stand the thought of them thinking I've gone after their daughter for one thing or something.

 

She has her head screwed on and I know we could be great together but I'm just unsure with the age gap.

 

Can you guys and girls out there let me know what you think and maybe any mums or dads who's daughter has said " hi this is my boyfriend, he's 12 years older then me"

 

Thanks again

 

James

[Papillion]

well its a big gap, there's no denying it dude. In 10 or 15 years time i dont think it'd raise so many eyebrows, you'd be 40-45 and she'd be 28-33. Not such a big deal. Its cos she's 18, and to most people that makes her a very young woman. But, its legal and neither of u are doing anything wrong. You just gotta expect some negative comments. Honest answer - i have a daughter and if when she's 18 she starts sleeping with a 30 year old guy, i would be concerned to say the least.

[LanceVanceDance]

I don't think there's anything wrong with it but I'd be very careful with the parents. They probably won't be too thrilled. I'd postpone meeting them or letting them hear about you until much later.

 

As the person above me pointed out, it's not so much the age difference that will make people gossip but more the fact that she's 18, which is still very young even though she's technically an adult.

[SapphireNoir10]

My friend is my age, eighteen and she lives with a thirty year old, and my mum met my dad when she was 20 and he was 35 and they've been married nineteen years. So it can work out, you just have to approach it all gently.

[orangesoda]

Honestly, if you want to date her, that's fine, but i think it's a huge mistake to look for anything serious with a girl so young. you can read the forums here and anywhere else - there are so many problems when looking for a committed relationship with girls 18-24. they simply don't know what it's like to settle down (other than what MTV and the movies have told them), many of their girl friends are out clubbing/bar hopping/social networking etc - and once the honeymoon period ends (3-6 months), then they're going to want to do the same. and that's going to add a whole lot of drama to your relationship.

 

the other thing, and i'm sure there are some females here who will tell you this, is that young girls are very flattered by attention from older guys. it makes them feel good, more mature, etc. but it doesn't always translate to real 'love.'

 

so yes, date her, but i would personally not look for anything serious.

[BetterKarma]

It can work out but it will take a lot of work.

 

It's a huge age gap but not illegal. You will have to keep in mind that she's only 18 and hasn't really had a chance to explore or experience life outside of home or freedom. She's basically a high school grad and with all that in mind, when she goes to college (I'm assuming is she) she will experience a whole different world. She might end up wanting to do the stuff you have already done in your early 20s, so be sensitive to those types of issues.

 

As for bringing you home, well, differen parents react differently. I know if I was 18 and brought you home with me, my parents would freak out, but then again, my parents are very traditional old school.

 

Good luck!

[StretchGee]

I agree with much of the above. You are dating a teenager. While it could work and eventually will appear more 'normal', for the next few years I'd be ready for a wild ride.

[riley123]

Hey buddy,

 

Age-gaps are difficult, but they are not impossible.

 

You said it yourself, “we both seem to be on the same page in life.” If that’s true, then that’s really all that matters.

 

Age is only a number and if you both are happy and in love then that’s a lot more important than any age difference.

 

Good luck.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Hi - I married a 32 year old at age 19. I was not a grown up yet. We divorced seven years later. I had no idea what it was to live on my own and run a household, there were so many things that I had not learned yet.

 

If you want to date her, that's fine. But know that she is still learning what life as an adult is going to be like, and she can't learn that in her parents' house. Her parents may or may not be ok with the relationship. By the way, she is so young that her brain is not finished developing yet. That will be completed around age 25. So her personality is still forming and could change.

 

The real question is ...what is it about the age gap that bothers you exactly? You'd better sort that out first.

[kuiks8]

I don't think the gap in years is that bad but i do think your life situations are very different and that might cause problems in the near future. I dated older guys when i was around 18 and as much as we would both try to make it work it was very difficult as our life situations were so different.

[jamesdyer]

Thanks for your replys friends, from what I've read the general look is date but don't look to be with her as a serious relationship, is there anyone who would say go for it?

 

Could I also ask your advice on how you would deal with meeting the pairents? Would you wait or put some feelers out to see if a age gap would be a bad thing. I do love this girl and I wonder if I should try or am I just going to cause us both alot of pain?

 

Thanks again for your help

 

James

[riley123]

Well buddy, pain is just an unfortunate side-effect of love.

 

If you care about this girl then you have to man up and meet the parents. I’m not saying that you should just pop in unannounced for dinner, but obviously the two of you can’t continue to sneak around.

 

I would tell your GF to mention something to her parents about you and the fact you are a tad bit older and that she’d like them to meet you. You get a sense of their initial reaction from that conversation.

 

If they are uncomfortable with the situation, then they’ll probably have some questions for you as to why you are dating someone younger. Be prepared with thoughtful answers.

 

Good luck!

[TheSmilingTurnip]

I would think...what is the spirit of the meeting with the parents? What is the purpose of it? I know you don't want to sneak around, but she is 18 and legally free to make her decisions about whom she dates.

 

Do you fear conflict with the parents? What is there to fear about it? Sometimes it is just necessary to confront unpleasant things front and center and get them over with. Not doing it will just result in an awkward situation that never ends.

[jamesdyer]

Hello again

 

Fear is probably the wrong word but as I can't find a better one it will have to do to tell the truth I don't fear meeting them as I'm very good with people but I fear the outcome would damage what we have. Things are good, very good and we are almost 6 months into this.

 

The Last thing I want to do is drive a stake between her and her family so I guess if I felt it didn't go right I would call it off so not to cause problems for her and them. I guess you could say I care enough to walk away.

 

I have a dread of it going wrong as family is very important to me. I guess if I had a daughter and she said in dating a older guy I would prob go crazy....

 

Fear.... Maybe its not fear of meeting them or the situation but fear of messing things up.

 

Thanks again

 

James

[LanceVanceDance]

Why is it so important to meet her parents?

 

In a lot of families you are only expected to formally introduce partners if you plan to get engaged, move in together, have a baby, or something of the sort. Do her parents absolutely need to know and meet who she's going out with?

[jamesdyer]

well although she works and is 18 she still lives with them so she is finding herself lieing to them when they ask where she is going and I guess Im a sucker for been honnest. I just want to be open about it.

 

Its starting to feel a bit like I'm in the wrong. Any opinins you guys and girls have I'm more then happy to read so please just say

 

Thanks all

 

James

[kuiks8]

well i would look at the fact that you have so much fear about meeting her parents, maybe that is a tell tale sign that you aren't quite comfortable with your situation either...

If you felt perfectly fine about dating an 18 year old than I would think it would not be such a big deal...

[LanceVanceDance]

well although she works and is 18 she still lives with them so she is finding herself lieing to them when they ask where she is going and I guess Im a sucker for been honnest. I just want to be open about it.

 

You can be honest without disclosing all of your private life. Honest and private aren't mutually exclusive. From what you've told us, nothing tells me you absolutely have to tell her parents that you two are going out.

 

If her parents really need to know where she's going and if you don't want them to know she has a boyfriend, she can just tell them she's going out with a friend. She's 18 and should be expected to go out anyway, so why would that be problematic? Unless they're paranoid they shouldn't need to know every details about their daughter's life, and they should also be aware that she's old enough to be dating.

 

Anyway... If she is supporting herself and if living with her parents is causing trouble of any kind, it might be time for her to think about moving out of the house.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

I think that honesty is the best path here, definitely. She shouldn't be lying to her parents, that's not healthy. Besides, the truth always comes out.

 

What you have to remember here is that you cannot control other people, but more than likely, things will be ok. Stop worrying about the outcomes and just let them be what they're going to be, since you have no control over them anyway. The only thing you can really do is just keep taking the next right actions, and as long as you're all being honest, you can't go wrong.

[jamesdyer]

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who has replied to my post, I wish you all the best in your lives

 

thanks

 

Ps if anyone can think if any other advice please post

 

thanks a million

[wizard71]

I have just come out of a relationship with a girl 12 years younger. We were together for nearly 5 years, and it was the best 5 years of my life. Her parents totally accepted me, possibly helped with the fact that i was never previously married and didnt have children. Just be prepared for her to one day leave you to seek the greener grass, no matter how much she declares she wants you forever. I always knew this would happen, and it still hurt like hell, but the fact remains that even with a same age relationship, its not guaranteed to work. My vote is to go with the moment and not worry about what may or may not happen in the future. I made sure that her parents knew my age, i didnt want any secrets, i didnt want to sneak around. I knew that i deserved to be in a public relationship, and in truth its the only way it will work. Age is only a problem if you let it be a problem. everyone also said we were great together, never had a bad word said against us.

 

In short i would say to anyone, not to view a partner with a view to being with them forever, because you can overwhelm yourself with the 'what if' scenarios of the future especially with age gap relationships. Enjoy another human beings company for who and what they are and see what happens. Respect them, respect yourself and take life as it comes.

Rob

[Sarati]

i love your kitty avatar!!!! soo adorable!!!

[morgane]

i'm 17 and i've only been with middle age men, they're mostly twice your age or in their mids forties

[angellight]

As others have said, 12 years would be ok if she were 30 or so...But an 18 year old KID??? What could a 30 year old MAN possibly have in common with a kid that just got out of high school??? Think about it she was in HIGH SCHOOL a couple of months ago!!!!! ( You know kids walking in the halls giggling about the new guy over there at the locker...Yes I have a daughter and she is in her early twenties. I would wonder about your emotional age if you came to me to date her at 18 and you were thirty...and her father would drag you out of our driveway...

[angellight]

Our society considers an 18 year old a fully grown adult. They are allowed to vote, drive, consent to sex, join the military and in most countries dirink alcohol. If an 18 year old kills someone, he/she is prosecuted as an adult. An 18 year old is considered to be mature enough to make his/her own decisions in life, right or wrong. So angellight, get over yourself and get a clue.

 

If your husband were to drag a 30 year old man down your drive way for dating your 18 year old daughter then he would be thrown in jail as he deserves.

 

Yes LEGALLY you are an adult at 18 ...But how about EMOTIONALLY?? People, men and woman, do a hell of a lot of maturing between the ages of 18 and 30...Do you remember being 18???? How mature were you really??? We all THINK we know it all when were young and later with 20/20 hindsight, maturity and life experience, we realize we didn't know as much as we thought we did. Just between the age of 18 and 25 she is going to be totally different person...let alone 30...

 

"An 18 year old is considered to be mature enough to make his/her own decisions in life, right or wrong"

 

WRONG an 18 year old is considered OLD enough, not MATURE enough...there is a HUGE difference...

 

DO YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER???? Would you want her with a thirty year old at 18???? If she were 25 or so, at least she would have SOME life experience behind her; but she just got out of high school a year ago....This guy has been out of high school 12 years and should be on a totally different level ...

I was a foster parent for 8 years and have dealt with hundreds of kids between the ages of 12 and 17...One year does not an adult make...There really isnt much difference between a 17 year old and an 18 year old other than the fact that they are considered an adult.....chronologically speaking....

 

As for my husband "draggin the guy down the driveway" I was being fascisious.... But he definitely would tell our daughter NO WAY and tell the guy to GET LOST.

 

For the Record... A 12 YEAR OLD can be prosecuted as an adult if he/she kills someone. I'd bet you there are thousands of people in jail who committed crimes when they were younger, who have a totally different outlook on how they would have handled things had they been, not only older. but more MATURE, which is the key word here.....