Today is another bad day.

[ycmanvs]

I was doing very well. I had a nice weekend with my friends. I did not talk about the ex. I did not think much about him. It is almost 3 weeks since we last communicated via email. I am so incredibly tempted to call him or email him, but I am coming here instead. This is an irrational compulsion and it is absolutely driving me crazy.

I know that I must stay in No Contact and that it is the only way to move on, but I also know that it would be so easy to just pick up the phone and say "HELLO, how are you?"...I hate feeling this way.

 

I also hate the fact that he is not contacting me and that he is not concerned at all about what I am doing. This is also irrational because we both made it very clear to eachother that we should not be keeping in touch.

 

How do I make these feelings disappear?

[SickOfAnger]

Hun.. They won't just dissappear....they will fade... And this could take alot of time. Which unfortunately means dealing with these feelings for as long as you feel them. It sucks... It hurts.....

[ycmanvs]

This is the longest relationship I've had. This is the only relationship where I tried to forgive all his mistakes. I blamed myself for everything, even though I never cheated, lied or demanded anything from him. I was basically a doormat. I am so afraid of who I am now and what I've become. Before I met him, I was confident and happy. Now I am just a shell of the person I used to be.

[mca1975]

Hi there, I know we have spoken before on PM. I too am feeling like this today and its been nearly two weeks since we spoke. It hurts.

 

I too had a good weekend with friends and didnt think about it too much. I think that when the weekend is over, we will always start thinking about it/them again as the weekdays are the most boring time of the week, weekends are for partying. Well thats when I feel most lonely anyway.

 

It really hurts me too that he has not bothered to contact me at all to see how I am or anything. but I know its for the best to do this 'cold turkey', otherwise it will all just start up again and it will be worse the next time. What is even more horrid is that we havent even had an argument or discussion about doing this, its just happened that way.....

[ycmanvs]

I wonder how long these feelings will last? I have not had this type of break-up before. Usually, it is a more defined end. This was a strange breaking apart of the relationship.

I hate not having closure.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

All of us depended emotionally on our partner, so when they're removed, you get that missing your security blanket kind of feeling. you want to feel reassured, safe, loved etc. That's what the child in you is craving when it craves contact.

 

But the adult in you needs to remind itself that the person can offer you no reassurance, has no interest in making you feel safe, doesn't love you anymore, and is no one you can count on for anything but pain. So the IMPULSE to contact them is a security/comfort fix, but the REALITY of the contact alway proves there is no security/comfort there, and in fact you will feel worse.

 

You can't return to the source of your pain for comfort, though the child in you feels it can.

 

So recognize that it is an impulse for comfort, and rather than calling him, call someone else who really will give you comfort, or do something comforting for yourself, like a bath, or reading a book or whatever.

 

Remind yourself that whatever you are looking for there from him doesn't exist anymore. It is like opening a cupboard looking for cookies when the cupboard is empty. Each time you open it, you are depressed and re=experience the pain of loss.

 

So find your comfort and caring else, and recognize the ex is no longer a source of that, but rather a source of pain.

[water]

^wow great advice!

 

Its funny how easily we can make irrational, illogical decisions when it comes to situations such as these yet reading someone spell out exactly how/why we are having these impulses in first place makes it that much easier to not act on them. At least for me.

[ycmanvs]

That is exactly what I am doing, but the pain of this process is driving me completely crazy. I've lost 10 Lbs. so far because I have no appetite. I like the fact that I am losing weight, but I do not like how I feel.

I am one of those people who usually jumps from one guy to the next, looking for that security of being in a relationship. This is the first time when I am not immediately jumping to someone else.

 

I have gone on a couple of first dates, but that is all they were. There was no sex, no kissing, no nothing...

 

 

Since there is no closure with my ex, I have to be strong and give myself the closure. If/when he tries to contact me, I will have to be strong enough not to respond.

[water]

I have never gotten a sense of closure at the end of a relationship. To me, it doesn't exist. I would try to get comfortable with ambiguity. What can he really offer you to make you feel better?

[ycmanvs]

I have never gotten a sense of closure at the end of a relationship. To me, it doesn't exist. I would try to get comfortable with ambiguity. What can he really offer you to make you feel better?

 

He cannot offer me anything, therein lies the problem. When we initially stopped talking in December, I walked away from him and thought that I would never speak to him again. He called, emailed and texted every couple of weeks, but I did not respond until Valentine's Day when I was feeling lonely.

At that point he said he loved me and wanted to get back together. I just wanted closure. We wanted different things. I gave him another chance though, and he continued lying and cheating on me...reasons for the initial break-up.

 

There is no RATIONAL reason for the way I feel and that is what is driving me crazy. EMOTIONS are not rational by definition so I don't know what to do with them...just feel them...and deal with it.

[Clabs]

Hey hun

 

Sorry it is another bad day. That is the problem with this stuff - try and rationalise your up and down feelings and it will just drive you even more bonkers!

 

You do need to go through this though to properly grieve the end of your relationship. But don't forget to read back and remind yourself just how poorly this man treated you - remember - never put up with that kind of cr@p from anyone.

 

Don't forget it is only 3 weeks - a tiny drop in the grand scheme of things. You are doing well - remember that.

 

Mark

[water]

I gotcha. Well that's the name of the game unfortunately. You just have deal until they fade away enough for you to not even care. Definitely don't let him weasel his way back into your life if he tries again. I don't disagree with 2nd chances but like the great man once said...

[ycmanvs]

I have to take it day by day, one day at a time. It is so frustrating. Why would anyone fall in love, ever, if they have to deal with this stuff after the love is gone?

[deang]

I'm having a bad 2 days...I falsely believed I could handle emailing her but was unprepared for a hostile response. Emailing her was a big mistake and now I'm paying the price. I have a better understanding of what exactly is going on with her but it doesn't really help me much right now. I'm hoping my heart now knows that the comfort I seek from her is not available anymore. Talking to her is like drinking poison because I am thirsty. I'm a very rationale and logical guy...I'm strong in all my relationships except my most intimate ones. My brain just doesn't work well when it comes to being in love. I'm working on fixing that but this still hurts like hell. We are all in this together and I'll be around asking for support when I'm weak and giving support when I'm strong. Hang in there!

[ycmanvs]

That is why I am doing everything possible to stop myself from contacting my ex. Nothing good could ever come of it. The fact remains that I cannot control my emotions, but I am not going to let them control me.

[deang]

That is why I am doing everything possible to stop myself from contacting my ex. Nothing good could ever come of it. The fact remains that I cannot control my emotions, but I am not going to let them control me.

 

excellent attitude. I hope that I can follow that too. I think whenever I feel like I can talk to her again I will post on these boards and hopefully people will talk some sense into me. I keep telling myself that time is in my favor. I only get stronger as the days go by.

[ycmanvs]

excellent attitude. I hope that I can follow that too. I think whenever I feel like I can talk to her again I will post on these boards and hopefully people will talk some sense into me. I keep telling myself that time is in my favor. I only get stronger as the days go by.

 

Last night I almost dialed his number...almost....but I stopped myself and went to dinner with a friend of mine instead. It took some convincing, but when I told him that I was having a bad day, my friend agreed to meet with me for a couple of hours. That's all it took to feel better.

It is the loneliness that is killing me.

I am trying not to be self destructive. I am not going out and drinking every night. I am not having one night stands. I am trying very hard to do the mature, responsible thing and tough it out. It is not a fun process, but I hope it will get me closer to happiness.

[Clabs]

Hun - no kidding there - it isn't a fun process! But good for you for keeping strong and doing all the things that you should be doing rather than all the things you shouldn't.

 

You will soon start to see the light at the end of the tunnel - and when you do, you need to keep on walking towards it.

 

Keep your chin up - ok?

 

Mark

[arwen]

This is the longest relationship I've had. This is the only relationship where I tried to forgive all his mistakes. I blamed myself for everything, even though I never cheated, lied or demanded anything from him. I was basically a doormat. I am so afraid of who I am now and what I've become. Before I met him, I was confident and happy. Now I am just a shell of the person I used to be.

 

Hey sweetie,

 

From the sounds of it, it's probably best that this relationship ended. I know it doesn't feel like that at all at this moment, because it's the pain is still fresh and your emotions are all over the place.

 

However, in the back of your mind I think you will become more and more aware over time that you are growing back to the person you were, the person that should be preserved and cherished in a relationship, not broken down.

 

You are no longer his doormat, you're back on your own feet now. It's a good thing you are not in contact with the ex. Take good care of yourself.

[ycmanvs]

I am taking it one day at a time and some days are great, while others, like yesterday are just horrible. I was sitting there, in front of my TV, crying and not knowing why.

Then today, I tried to log onto ENA and i could not even get the site to load up. This lasted almost 3 hours.

Luckily, I managed to keep busy and do some work, and now the site is working again....hooray for that. And, no, I still have not contacted my ex.

[drewciouS281]

 

I also hate the fact that he is not contacting me and that he is not concerned at all about what I am doing. This is also irrational because we both made it very clear to eachother that we should not be keeping in touch.

 

How do I make these feelings disappear?

 

He probably is thinking the same thing but you need to stick to your guns and not give in. 3 weeks is better than 1 week. Your getting there! Just imagine the triumphant feeling of 3 months!

[ycmanvs]

He probably is thinking the same thing but you need to stick to your guns and not give in. 3 weeks is better than 1 week. Your getting there! Just imagine the triumphant feeling of 3 months!

 

He is not thinking anything at all because in my last email to him, I told him that if he ever wanted to talk, he could get in touch with me. Instead of trying to work things out, he started to go out on dates, which is fine since we are broken up, but he also gave me a hard time when he found my profile on a dating site....that he joined....There was always a double standard with him and his ego is so big that he actually expects me to chase him...it is all very dysfunctional, so I am stepping off this merry-go-round, but my head is still spinning.

[drewciouS281]

eeeeek, one of those dudes eh? its so a good thing your not doing this to yourself anymore but seems like you like the arsehole side of him to an extent just like the bad boy syndrome. He is acting like he doesnt want you thereforeee your feeling drawn to what you cant have. Do the same. go out, try dates ( if you feel up to it ). Everyone has thier own way of coping and moving on. Yours may be to just feel all the emotions and deal with it, others go get drunk and go on madd flings and dates.

[ycmanvs]

eeeeek, one of those dudes eh? its so a good thing your not doing this to yourself anymore but seems like you like the arsehole side of him to an extent just like the bad boy syndrome. He is acting like he doesnt want you thereforeee your feeling drawn to what you cant have. Do the same. go out, try dates ( if you feel up to it ). Everyone has thier own way of coping and moving on. Yours may be to just feel all the emotions and deal with it, others go get drunk and go on madd flings and dates.

 

Well, as I posted above, I am not doing the usual "get drunk and laid" method of getting over an ex. I am trying to be more responsible and careful in my choices. I should really be focusing on my career, especially with this economy....but my feelings of loneliness are overwhelming sometimes.