I need Help - Sexual Problems

[crazygirlchina]

I live with my boyfriend in Shanghai, China. We recently moved here so I haven't made any close friends which makes my sexual frustration even harder to bear. I have no one to talk to about it except my boyfriend, which turns into a complete disaster. You see I have a very high sex drive and he has none. No one likes to talk about the fact that men sometimes want sex less than women. Its supposed to be the opposite but I have many girlfriends who have expressed similar complaints. Anyway, my boyfriend says that he's stressed out and isn't interested in having sex. I'm in my early thirties and suddenly all I want to do is have sex. I've turned to masturbating a lot to make up for the lack of sex life. We talk about it and it only makes things worse. I can't make him desire me. Lately, I've been crying myself to sleep. It's really hard to sleep next to someone who you want to kiss passionately and make love to all night who would rather read about stock prices. Don't get me wrong our relationship out of the bedroom is near perfect. It's by far the best relationship of my life and for this reason the lack of sex is harder. If we were wrong in other areas I would think that it was inadvertently affecting our sex life. I've researched low libido online and nothing seems to help. He's says he's not willing to work on it right now because he has other priorities. My fear is that if he keeps putting it off that I will separate emotionally from him and thereforeee not having sex won't matter because I might end the relationship or worse cheat on him. I don't want this - we want to get married and have a family, so I want us to work through this.

 

Maybe I'm putting too much emphasis on sex and really it's just a small part of a relationship. This is what my boyfriend says and thinks I'm silly for bringing it up all the time. My attitude towards him has gotten negative lately and this concerns me.

 

Please any advice will help. I am driving myself crazy!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If your sex drive is so high, is it possible that you have wanted it too much and he has gotten tired of it and has shut down. Maybe it is not so much that his sex drive is none, it is just there is no balance...if you expect something all the time from someone then they start to resent it and they shut down. How often do you want sex with him? Maybe you are focusing on sex because you don't have a life where you are. Kind of like some people who are bored and unhappy eat too much...perhaps because you are bored and unhappy with other things in your life you are focusing to much on the sex...so your neediness is turning off your boyfriend. Why not go out and make new friends, join things, explore where you are living. Are you Chinese (can you speak the language well enough to get involved in activities in Shanghai)? Perhaps if you focus on your own life and activities and not be totally dependent on your boyfriend you will be able to come home and share with him all the wonderful things you are doing...that may in turn renew his interest in you as he will see you as an exciting person. So I would say focus on improving yourself and getting out there doing interesting things...you might just find that once you do, the intimacy with your boyfriend will improve plus you won't be thinking about having sex 24/7 as you will have other interesting things going on in your life as well.

[arwen]

I think the first step is to stop trying to make this a smaller problem than it is- acknowledging that this part of the relationship is not good is necessary in order to work on it! Sex is not the most important in a relationship when it's good and the partners are both happy. However, when sex is unsatisfying for one of the partners, it can become a huge issue, that goes along with frustration, resentment and pain.

 

How is the level of intimacy in your relationship, that is not sex? Does he cuddle you a lot? Has his libido decreased or was it always low like this?

[Excalibur]

Are you associating his willingness/desire to "do you" as "love"?

[Lamprey]

A few more questions. How long have you been together? Have you gained weight/changed physically so that he's no longer as attracted as before? Is he taking some medication that makes the pee pee go softee, and he's ashamed to admit it?