What do you do when you feel your own mother doesnt love you?

[scared and alone]

Not in an over-dramatic way, shes just, not a mom, at all to you? And no matter what, she just doesn't love you and treat you like she should? And please dont say "shes your mom, of course she loves you" you dont know her. She hasn't been a MOM to me in over 12 years. I can never even talk to her as mother-daughter. I just dont feel that LOVE from her. It breaks my heart. I see how other good moms are, and shes just not like that. With any of her kids. It's a very complicated situation that I can't explain, but trust me, its there. Even my older sister sees it and feels it with her and our mom too. It's not just me, even my friends and my boyfriend see it. Maybe its just she doesn't know how to be a mom. I dont know, but she should at least try. Shes my only parent, id like SOME sort of relationship with her, besides the awkward, fake, resentfulness we have now.

[Hayles]

Might I ask how old your mother is now? And also your age?

Sometimes, you will find in life there are those who can nurture babies, and children and raise thier children until adolescence and then find themselves slightly lost, they feel they have done all they can do and become detached - Perhaps she just doesn't know that's how it should be - loving and girlie?

Perhaps she was never close that way to her own mother and doesn't know that is how it is meant to be? My mother can be rather detached,however one of my sisters and I tend to "Force" ourselves upon her as such - turning up at her house with morning tea and coffee and just invade her space, and slowly she is coming around and seeing that we can be her friends now that we are grown... Maybe you need to be more forceful in a nice way?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Is your mother depressed about anything? Do you have a father? How is your relationship with your father? How old is your mother and how old are you? Did something traumatic happen in your mother's life 12 years ago that may have caused major changes within herself?

[shes2smart]

First, you accept that (for whatever reasons) she is not going to be the mother you wanted/expected her to be and you grieve that loss. She is what she is, and she's not likely to change at this point.

 

Then you critically/objectively evaluate what kind of relationship you can have with the person she is. If that's likely to be a healthy relationship that enhances your life, you pursue it. If it's likely to be a toxic relationship that detracts from your life, you limit your exposure to it.

 

Yeah, it all sounds rather cut and dried in the last two paragraphs, but you need to understand that it's not anything I haven't dealt with in the last 4 decades. My mother is verbally abusive and probably has a slew of untreated mental issues. The fact that I have dealt with depression on and off for most of my adult life makes that "mental issues" thing likely, since there is a genetic component to that. And, boy howdy, did I want to smack some sense into people who, over the years, gave me that, "but deep down she probably really loves you" line.

 

But I digress...point is she wasn't going to win any "Mother of the Year" awards. She went off the deep end about 10 years ago and did something that I found totally unacceptable so I terminated my relationship with her. I've written about it in detail a few times on the board, so I'm not going to go over it again here. I will repeat this, though: My only regret in drop-kicking both my parents out of my life is that I didn't do it sooner. It removed a source of stress and negativity that had been there so long, that I didn't really notice it...but once they were gone, it was like a HUGE weight had been lifted off me.

 

In a sense, I had to learn how to be a good parent to myself (that whole 'inner child' psycho-babble stuff...there is something to it) and have also filled the gap by including a few "motherly" types in my "family of choice."

 

You cannot make your mother what she is not...but if what she is is harmful to you mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, financially or in some other way, you don't have to include her in your life a big way....or in any way for that matter.

[Supa_gurl]

It could be depression or a so called mid-life crisis on her part. In any event you should approach her on it and she what she is feeling.

I look at girls with their moms in public, on tv. and think to myself "I wish I could do that" I didn't have my mom to go shopping with, girls day out or what have you. I talk to her now, but she left when I was 3 and I "met" her for the first time again when I was 16. She had problems obviously and I forgive her for those, because they were not her fault (mental, emotional things on her part). But it doesn't take away the feelings that I missed out on ALOT in my life by not having her.

So PLEASE talk with her, let her know your feelings. Or you will never get anywhere.

[dream83]

I agree with a lot of what shes2smart said. You have to accept her for what she is and evaluate what kind of relationship you realistically can have with her. Also think about what could be the cause of her behavior.

 

My mother was what a lot would probably call emotionally and verbally abusive from the time I was about 8. I mean it was horrible and really set me back emotionally in a lot of ways back then. In addition to that it seems that she didn't want me to have much interaction with others outside the home. So, there were times that I had to outright defy her to involve myself in positive school-related activities and other sources of the positive re-enforcement that I wasn't getting at home. Otherwise, my self-esteem would probably be abysmal today. But, I did what I had to do. Eventually I moved out and realized that our relationship is for the most part fine as long as we live in different cities (sounds bad, I know) and as long as I don't expect things like "normal" emotional support. Also, as a result there are a lot of life-related things that I don't discuss with my mother because I would only expect ridicule (basic things like career choice...dreams...aspirations...opinions).

 

I say all this to say that you have to figure out what would be the most beneficial to your own health and well-being and do that. But, before you start assessing and modifying things in your relationship with her, I would seriously try to talk to her. Have you tried to have a real talk with your mother about this?