Respect

[nkg137]

So my boyfriend and I have been dating for quite a while (about 2-2and a half years) and we have a strong relationship. We enjoy spending time together, i trust him around other women, i have no problems talking to him about anything, including issues between us, etc.

 

But we have always had a little issue with respect. Sometimes I don't feel like he puts thought into things that he says to me, and I feel that he doesn't take the time to think about how certain situations make me feel. I sometimes feel as though he doesn't respect me.

 

I'll give a few examples of things that have happened recently:

 

-We have an agreement that if we drink at all without each other, we need to tell the other that we will be drinking, and give an estimation on how much we plan to drink that night, who will be there, etc. On friday night, we had plans to go to a movie, but he asked if it would be alright if he went to play poker with some mutual friends that night. He mentioned nothing about drinking. I was fine that he broke plans because he doesn't go to play poker very often, and I knew the host, who is very responsible and doesn't drink. I found out saturday morning that he had gotten completely wasted that night, throwing up and everything. He was hungover the rest of the day and put a damper on the plans we had that day.

 

-He listens to country music. I listen to folk and other assorted independent music. We ALWAYS listen to country music. i don't like it, but i put up with it because i know that he loves it. The thing is that he refuses to listen to anything that I like. He never even gave it a chance. Whenever i try to plug my ipod into his car he just turns down the music all the way.

 

-He makes fun of my dogs relentlessly. He hates them because they're small. He never gave them a chance. He was just mean to "the baby" (a poodle/spaniel cross) from the moment i got her becuase he "hates poodles." He won't let her sit by him, pushes her off the couch, makes fun of her, etc.

 

Stuff like this generally happens in waves. It will get bad, but then we'll talk about it and he'll stop doing and saying things like that for a while. And then (I'm pretty sure without realizing it) he starts again. then we talk about it and it gets better.

 

We had a talk on Saturday about this. He felt bad. Apologized several times. said he hadn't realized he had been being such a jerk lately. I forgave him.

 

Then today, we had made plans to hang out after his fathers day brunch. I got ready, figuring he'd be home by two. I sat there waiting for him until 5 with nothing to do, until he called me saying that he was just leaving the family get-together, but was leaving for his softball game and we could hang out after. He texted me again at 730 saying that the game was finished, but he just wanted to go to bed.

 

I wasn't angry/hurt that we didn't hang out. I felt that way because he kept me waiting all day for nothing. He never called me to let me know the brunch was running late, and he specifically mentioned hanging out after his game.

 

I feel very disrespected and hurt. He said that we would talk about it tomorrow.

 

I guess I'm just looking for advice. I'm hurt, but I love him with all my heart and this is just something for us to work through. I'm just in a weak place. I need advice, or some reassuring words.

 

...I'm sorry that this is so long.

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone. it sounds like he can be a real jerk at times. i would definitely tell him, 'no - we've listened to your country music for the last 10 hours, now it's time for some of my stuff.' and does he ever hurt your dog? that can be a bad sign.

 

I wasn't angry/hurt that we didn't hang out. I felt that way because he kept me waiting all day for nothing. He never called me to let me know the brunch was running late, and he specifically mentioned hanging out after his game.

 

i think you know in the future not to wait around. if you don't hear from him by 2, then go off and make your own plans. don't sit around all day waiting for him. you have to teach him that you're not just going to sit around all day by the phone, waiting for his call. you could have been out with your friends or doing something interesting. i hope you do that next time.

 

regarding the drinking issue.... i have to say, i sometimes don't know what will happen. sometime i go out with friends expecting to have one drink and go home, but then wind up having a really fabulous time and staying out all night. why would you get angry at him about that? it sounds like you two have each other on a short lease, i'm not sure i would be ok with such an arrangement that didn't allow for spontenaity.

[sweetjess195]

I agree with the above poster. This may sound bad but some men have to be "trained'. I was in the same situation you are in and I have found that when you show less interest in the guy(regarding him making you wait all day) he sometimes makes the changes needed.

 

For example, my boyfriend will ignore plans we have that are "girly" like going on a double date and changing them to us and the other couple meeting up with his car buddies to eat dinner. So I simply tell him that him and my friends boyfriend are welcome to go to their car dinner but me and my friend will be going separate ways to have our own dinner. He moans and complains about "why not" and I tell him that we just had a talk about doing things that I enjoyed instead of always doing what he enjoyed and he agreed, but a couple days later we are right back in the same situation.

 

As much as you love them and give into them and let them have their way, you have to realize that you have wants and needs and desires and you shouldnt wait around for them to fullfill them. If you had already waited around all day, when he mentioned hanging out after his softball game, you should have told him that you had planned to hang out with him after brunch but that you already have plans for that evening and you will see him whenever the next planned time is.

 

I am not sure what to say about the drinking thing. Maybe you should change the "rule" to something along the lines that no matter where you are or what you are doing, you will call the other when you get home safely. I dont think you can get upset with him for drinking more than he intended. Sometimes it happens.

 

Also, guys tend to joke around with their girlfriend like they would with their buddies, not realizing girls are more sensitive. Next time he makes fun of your dog, call him out on the spot. Tell him that he needs to stop making fun of the dog, that it is hurting your feelings. Then, if there is ever a time when you have to take the dog to the vet, etc. and he wants to go. Remind him that making fun of and not be affectionate towards the dog is the attitude he has chosen and it would be better to see him after the dogs appointment, exercise, etc.

[viox]

The first and last incident listed are the two that stuck out to me the most. You said that you are so comfortable around him that you can talk to him about anything. Did you talk to him about these issues? Try sitting down with him and letting him know that his actions are really hurting you. And be totally honest... don't worry about hurting his feelings. Because honestly, it's usually pretty hard to do that. Maybe he doesn't realize that his actions are causing you to feel this way?! It's definitely worth mentioning... because this has the potential to do real harm to your relationship.

[nkg137]

We have talked about this before. I felt hurt that after we talked he turned around and did this.

 

I'm not upset about how much he drank. I was upset that he never told me he would be when he knew that he would be. He's allowed to drink, I can't get mad at him for that, I just like to know that he's going to or that he is. (he talked to me while he was drinking, but never mentioned it.) I feel more comfortable knowing, so i know to be prepared if he needs a ride or something. We've had this agreement for quite a while, but its never caused problems like this before.

 

I know that i have a tendency to be controlling, and i try really hard not to. I have been clear that the issues with me are not because he went out to do other things, they are because he failed to communicate them.

[JeckyllNHyde]

maybe he didn;t mention it because you dont like to hear he was drinking? i dunno.. people usually lie when they know it will affect the other person.. no matter how little.

people lie to avoid the actions/things which follow. hope i am making sense.

 

does it not even bother you one bit if he drinks?

 

on the other hand, i am sure it must bother him ABIT if you drink way too much and get wasted too, otherwise you both would not even make such a deal in the first place to tell each other before hand.

 

so maybe this is why he failed to communicate?

 

he needs to know that this lying is hurtful though and does no good for the trust you 2 are supposed to be able to have.

 

pretty selfish too of him when it comes to YOU and your equal needs. if talking doesn't help, maybe try giving him a taste of his own medicine and turning down the volume when he puts his music on. sounds childish but with some people thats what it takes.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Do you think he has a drinking problem? How often does he drink, and does he drink to drunkenness when he does it?

 

Could it be the reason he blew you off on Sunday was he started drinking and got drunk, then just kept going thru the night. People who have a drinking problem behave like this, because once they start drinking on any given day, drinking takes control and everything else falls away.

 

Perhaps the real problem is he needs to stop drinking to drunkenness. A couple beers doesn't usually make people miss plans with other people, but a 6 pack will make everything but pursuit of drink and fun go out the window.

 

Re: him making fun of your dog, how immature and unattractive a quality! I'd tell him to grow up and stop making fun of a living creature. And the dog is being more loyal to you than he is!