So I guess I'm the other woman

[tsukichan]

Good day everyone

 

I’m writing to you as the other woman, I’ve read around the different forums a bit to see what others have done in this situation. Yet, I couldn’t find one that really reflects the situation I am in. So I will provide some background and I would appreciate some advice on my future actions.

 

I’ve met this man when we were 14; we turn 21 soon. We were best friends in High School due to our similar interests and often told people we were brother and sister. He didn’t have much of a family of his own so my family took him in. Between 16-17yrs old his father came calling from another state asking him to live with him. My friend agreed. We still stayed close exchanging letters, and eventually he informed me he met a girl that he wasn’t in love with but they were dating all the same. I didn’t think much of it, most our friends at the time we were dating without thinking long term. Who does at 17? Well, she became pregnant. He dropped out of school and enlisted in the military. He married her. I was pretty shocked, he would write me from wherever he was stationed and explained to me he was trying to be a good man and father. He wanted a stable family because he saw how important a family can be. I supported him. The only problem was that once she found out I wasn’t blood-related to him, she made him destroy all the pictures of me. Eventually, he moved back to town after a honorable discharge (something like that) and I met her. She hated me. I’m not quite sure how that happened, I met her while I was in a serious relationship (my boyfriend was living with me) and we went out to dinner. I thought we were good but we weren’t. My friend stopped talking with me for a few months, he randomly popped up mentioning they were having a baby. I was happy for them but he disappeared again. I was pretty uspet by this time with him. The next time he randomly dropped in I asked what the problem was, he drops off the face of the earth for a year and calls me. He tells me his wife hates me, and we can’t talk anymore. So we stop talking, but then “they” show up again, she’s pregaent with a girl. I’m pretty confused at this point, but I don’t complain. I miss my friend very much. Disappears again. This time he has come back but I’ve told him it’s for the last time. I care deeply for him, he’s someone that was an important friend to me but it’s emotionally draining to be in this situation. He is either in my life or not. He explains she is threatening divorce if he is found out to be talking to me, so he’s been trying his best to keep her happy and their family together.

 

So I told him to do whatever he thought was best for his family but not before giving him a piece of my mind. I told him I think he’s very pathetic that he lets this woman dictate our friendship, and it hurts me to see that he has thrown away his dreams, and education sacrificing everything and she won’t even let him be friends with someone that has never expressed ‘more than friends’ feelings. I’m the closest thing he has to a family besides his wife, which I’m sure she’s resentful about. He’s closer to me emotionally even though we hardly talk. I understand now that’s why she hates me but I don’t see that as my problem, I see that as her personal problem. My friend has done everything in his power to make her happy, she doesn’t even have to work, just take care of the children, yet she insists on tearing apart the only family he’s known. The marriage counselors he’s spoken to have told him its best if he doesn’t talk to me anymore, but for some reason he keeps coming back after many months. I believe because no logic or reason is strong enough to break the bond we made years ago when my family took him in.

 

So my dilemma is , I personally believe if he wants to be stay close friends we should be able too, and his wife should learn a relationship is two-sided and of compromise, he has given everything for her. The least she can do is gain some self-confidence and have faith her husband love for her. And stop controlling ever aspect of his life and stop blaming their martial problems on me. I’m hardly in their life at all yet she blames me for everything thing and willing to “threaten” divorce over it.

He says that he has decided we will be friends and she will have to learn to deal with it. He’s said that’s it’s time for him to be true to himself.

 

I’m proud that after all these years he’s willing to not be so submissive, but I also worry about him. His wife is crazy and suicidal. I want my brother back but if she tries to kill herself again I’m not sure if he could handle that. I know he’s torn, so what should I do?

Oh, and no I haven’t thought of telling him we shouldn’t take anymore because I don’t want to cause him problems. I feel if he wants to no longer be in my life that should be his choice but it should be a stern choice with no flip-flop.

[melrich]

I personally believe if he wants to be stay close friends we should be able too

 

I agree. I think his wife is being totally immature. But I would not advise him to risk his marriage over it. Hopefully he has put up a good fight but has just hit a brick wall.

 

Whatever. His first responsibility is to his wife and kids.

[Supa_gurl]

I agree with Melrich. His first obligation is to his wife and children, however she is immature and insecure. He should tell her in no uncertain terms that you and he are friends and nothing more, and either she respects that or she hurts their relationship. But that is just my opinion.

[tsukichan]

His first responsibility is to his wife and kids.

 

I'm sure he feels that way too but I feel this is an unnecessary sacrifice. I'm not married but is this what I should look forward too? I should give up everything to make my husband happy even if its unreasonable? Even if it makes me unhappy? I just can't comprehended how this what it takes to keep a healthy marriage together.

 

I think one reason he can't let me go is because I represent a part of him that he lost, and I remind him of that. Why is it he is the one that has to keep sacrificing, why isn't it reasonable to expect some sacrifice or compromise from her?

[melrich]

I'm not married but is this what I should look forward too? I should give up everything to make my husband happy even if its unreasonable? Even if it makes me unhappy?

 

Marriage is full of compromises. She is being immature and unreasonable about this but ultimately I would not advise him to toss his marriage so he could keep in touch with an old friend. Friends come and go. You wife and kids don't (well shouldn't).

[rosephase]

Is he in love with you? Are you in love with him? COuld it be his wife is reacting this way because she can tell he is in love with you? Not that that forgives anything she is doing I was just wondering.

[tsukichan]

then what do you suggest I do? I'm sure he doesn't want their marriage to end but this is also a cry to have his own identity.

[melrich]

I'm sure he doesn't want their marriage to end but this is also a cry to have his own identity.

 

I'm sure he has other friends. Find his identity with them.

[tsukichan]

Is he in love with you? Are you in love with him? COuld it be his wife is reacting this way because she can tell he is in love with you? Not that that forgives anything she is doing I was just wondering.

 

No no, and the most physical contact we've had is hugging.

[BellaDonna]

Hi and welcome to enotalone.

 

Have you ever tried offering his wife an olive branch....and trying to be her friend too? Have you ever come right out and said to her- "I have no romantic interest in your husband- he is like a brother to me." ?

 

If the dinner is the only time you've met her, maybe she does not know what to make of you.

 

I’m the closest thing he has to a family besides his wife, which I’m sure she’s resentful about. He’s closer to me emotionally even though we hardly talk. I understand now that’s why she hates me but I don’t see that as my problem, I see that as her personal problem.

 

Maybe she sees this as a form of emotional infidelity of sorts?

 

I wonder if you might not be getting the full story from him.

 

Did he talk to her and share as much as when wrote to you?

 

Has he ever told her he had feelings for you?

 

Has he been faithful to her in general?

 

There might be some pieces of the puzzle that you cannot see because you only get his side of the story. Sure, she could simply be an incredibly immature, insecure, and mentally ill person- but her reaction to you is so extreme- that I'm wondering if there is more to this story that you might not know about.

[rosephase]

We still stayed close exchanging letters, and eventually he informed me he met a girl that he wasn’t in love with but they were dating all the same. I didn’t think much of it, most our friends at the time we were dating without thinking long term. Who does at 17? Well, she became pregnant.

 

If you try and keep you heart open to her you can see that she has a reason to feel insecure. Maybe talking to her would help. She is scared, it sounds like she had a child really young with a man who wasn't in love with her and now she is making a family, you are all young, and she is scared. At least try and connect with her, even if it's hard.

[tsukichan]

We've met a few times. Each time he comes over she comes with him for the most part. The only time i've seen him alone for these past years is twice this month. We never saw each other without her before that.

 

During those time I have tried to get to know her and they ended okay, but they didn't change how she felt about me. She did call me once, crying, saying that I should leave him alone because she can't afford to lose her husband. I told her that her husband and I have seen each other as family for years, so she shouldn't feel threatend by me.

[tsukichan]

I'm sure he has other friends. Find his identity with them.

 

I suppose I should clarify. My brother and I aren't "normal" friends. We were pillar of strengths for each other when there was no one else. Thats is why we consider one another family. I'm someone that was part of his life when he had his own dreams and aspirations.

 

Since he's been married he's been working and sleeping. That's all. He has no life outside of his wife and her wants. When he is around me, we talk about things we're interested that she isn't, for example, school. I'm trying to get him to finish school, and start working on his writing. He use to want to be an author.

 

If we can't be friends in the future, I would be okay with that as long as I know he isn't constantly letting go of what makes him happy because of her unwarranted insecurties and control issues. To me this isn't just losing my brother, but also watching my brother become a zombie.

[BellaDonna]

He's a big boy and can make his own decisions. To be honest, you should not really be telling him to go back to school or become an author. They have a child- there are financial issues to consider now- and an author does not necessarily make a good salary. IT's nto something he can just go "do". If a spouse is to return to school- it needs to be a joint decision that the couple agrees on. For example, I would not just start a PhD program without consulting my husband. We have a son together and a budget to keep. School is a big commitment.

 

Maybe she sees your advice to him as inappropriate- and if you don't like her I'm sure she can sense it too. If you see her as a negative influence in his life that drains and controls him, and you believe he does not really love her- don't you think all of those things will show through somehow?

 

If all he does is work and sleep -then when he is awake he should be spending his time with his family. Friends are something that become less of a priority when you have a family. It's just the reality of it.

 

I would say the same thing if you were her mother-in-law. You have to realize that when someone gets married, there are boundaries. As a family member or friend you should not interfere in a marriage (unless of course you feel the person is in danger or being abused) He has been with her for a long time and chooses to be in this situation so you have to let go.

 

I would be okay with that as long as I know he isn't constantly letting go of what makes him happy because of her unwarranted insecurties and control issues.

That's not really your decision to make. If I were you, I would not waste time worrying about him anymore. He's chosen this life. Maybe she makes him happy- or he is content- and if he is unhappy it is his responsiblilty to do something about it- but you shouldn't lose sleep over it.

[tsukichan]

No, I've never had a problem with her but I do know he doesn't talk with her about things he would like to do like school so we talk about it.I don't see anything wrong with encouraging him to do more with his life. Although I would look down on her if she was telling him not to go back to school, considering he paid for her schooling and then she chose not to work. I've only ranted to him about her once, that was the last time I saw him this month. In all the years before I have been very respectful towards her. I don't feel that I've ever interfered because I don't contact him, he comes around out of the blue.

 

This whole situation just seems so troublesome. I guess from most of the replies, I should expect him to forget about his past family for his new family. With that in mind, I'll just play it by ear and hope she receives counseling because its truly unfair what she is doing.

 

I'll just keep this as a lesson for when I decide to get married. I can't accept that once I get married that my sole responsibility is to my husband, it will also be to myself. He will have to understand beforehand that I am my own person, with my own ambitions. I will have who I want as a friend, I will respect his feelings but I won't let his feelings dictate mine. I won't sacrifice people I love because of his insecruites, instead I will expect him to work with me to help him overcome them. He will have to trust me, and I'll do the same in return.

 

maybe I'm naive, but eh we'll see I guess.

 

Thanks again for the replies.

 

/end vent

[tsukichan]

I would like to post an update for those who may be in a similar situation.

 

A year ago, my friend contacted me and said he is seeking a divorce for several reasons.

 

1) She's controlling and manipulative

 

2) She lied about their first born (junior). He isn't his biological child but by a relative

 

3) She cheated while he was serving.

 

4) He felt he had no control over his life

 

5) Lost himself

 

 

So my advice to anyone in this situation is to voice your concerns BEFORE they're married. Insecurities are normal but abusing the trust of your spouse is unacceptable. People stay in relationships for too long because they think they're being true to their values but in reality are selling themselves short. She still hates me and is even now blaming me for their divorce because I'm helping him get back on his feet but honestly, people like that are going to hate anyone that helps YOU no longer be controlled by them.

 

If your spouse (partner) is super controlling, please please please, make sure its not because they're hiding something.

[BellaDonna]

^I am glad he is getting out of that situation. That's horrible that she lied about the child. I guess you were right on all along.

 

How are you?