Feeling Awful, Confused, and Scared. Advice/Help?

[SincerelyYours]

This is my first post, and I'm really looking for advice.

 

I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach, the kid you get when you're dreading something, that nervous feeling, that makes me sick. I'm a college student, starting my second year in the fall. All year, especially in the spring, I realized I really liked a girl, who just happens to live close by. I had never said anything, as I didn't want to make a commitment or scare her away, and I thought I would have more time once school had ended, so we're "friends."

 

I'm spending a day with her soon, and I don't think she knows I like her. I recently received a note from an acquaintance asking me if I liked her, and then found out that he too liked her, and had been thinking about asking her out as well. He told me that he had asked her about me, and said she saw me just as a friend, not someone she could date. I don't know how much of that is true, but I've been feeling awful since then. I don't want to fight over her, or scare her away, and I'm glad to at least be her friend, but I know I really do like her, and as soon as I found out, my hearts been beating too fast, and I've felt awful, couldn't sleep, etc.

 

What should I do? I'm spending time with her soon, and I wanted to tell her at the end of the day something along the lines of "Hey, I like you, and I want to take you out sometime. If you're not okay with that, that's fine, I just thought I should let you know, and hopefully we can still be friends."

 

I know that friendship will always be a little tainted. But I don't know what else to do? Should I just let her go, let her be with this other guy?

 

When I got a reply from her saying yes to hanging out, I felt amazing for the rest of the day, and when I found this out, I felt...and still feel, awful.

[mca1975]

Hi, this sounds like a crush, you are in love! Love can sometimes be a bit painful, you cant eat, sleep properly especially when its not returned.

 

Can you be really sure that she definitely said that (that she liked you just as a friend)?

 

I think you will continue to feel rubbish unless you declare how you feel, its hard to keep feelings inside.

 

How old are you if you dont mind?

[Jeremiah Johnson]

I believe you should never settle in the case of things that really matter to you because you do get what you accept.

 

If you want her as more than a friend, but you're willing to accept her as just a friend, then you'll only get her as a friend. I promise that's true.

 

Tell her right away you like her. Don't babble or make it long winded or hide anything. Tell her you heard from another source that she doesn't feel the same way and you just wanted to see if that was true. If she says it is, tell her you're sorry, but you can't be friends with her right now while you have feelings for her.... maybe in the future.

 

Then, move on.

 

Don't ever linger in the friend zone. You don't get any points based on the length of time you're there.

[SincerelyYours]

I'm 19 years old, and this is the first girl I've ever really fallen for. I know, I'm young. A little sheltered I guess.

 

I can't be sure, as I tried to keep things platonic until summer, when I'd have time to spend. The note I got was from the acquaintance who also said he likes her, and they had a conversation about me. It goes along the lines of...

 

"...she hasn't noticed you like her... and she sees you as a close friend and doesn't see her dating you..."

 

I don't know how much of that to believe though, considering the source. When I read that, I basically fell apart. Roughly a month ago, I asked her the same question about the acquaintance, and she said there was nothing going on.

 

Do I tell her that I like her? Should I still try to be friends with her if she doesn't feel the same way, or can't agree to a date?

 

 

[Iris-PJ]

 

What should I do? I'm spending time with her soon, and I wanted to tell her at the end of the day something along the lines of "Hey, I like you, and I want to take you out sometime. If you're not okay with that, that's fine, I just thought I should let you know, and hopefully we can still be friends."

 

I know that friendship will always be a little tainted. But I don't know what else to do? Should I just let her go, let her be with this other guy?

 

When I got a reply from her saying yes to hanging out, I felt amazing for the rest of the day, and when I found this out, I felt...and still feel, awful.

 

Hi Sincerely Yours,

 

Welcome!

 

I think you know exactly what to do, you can't go wrong with being honest and showing your feelings. And the way you worded it above is very appropriate, not too much and not too little. You have just as much a shot as the other guy, so go for it.

 

I have been in a similar situation with a friend. It was quite an experience!

I wasn't as forthcoming with my feelings till he was already falling for someone else (another friend)! I didn't know he was liking someone else at the time, so I told him, but he didn't reciprocate. He got a little weird as did I, but a few months later we were still cool and still talk to this day! Also it was a college crush! He ended up going out with that other friend and they had a very serious relationship.

 

I say go for it, don't wait too long. Be prepared to handle what happens, she might feel awkward and stop hanging around you or it might be the complete opposite and she might want to hang out with you more... in any case just be sure you go in with the right mindset and super positive. Of course being friends is very rewarding in of it's own, but I know the frustration you are talking about...](*,) of being stuck in the friend zone, but that's just the way it goes.

[Iris-PJ]

Tell her right away you like her. Don't babble or make it long winded or hide anything. Tell her you heard from another source that she doesn't feel the same way and you just wanted to see if that was true. If she says it is, tell her you're sorry, but you can't be friends with her right now while you have feelings for her.... maybe in the future.

 

Then, move on.

 

Don't ever linger in the friend zone. You don't get any points based on the length of time you're there.

 

I second that! it's some sage advice!

 

[SincerelyYours]

I believe you should never settle in the case of things that really matter to you because you do get what you accept.

 

If you want her as more than a friend, but you're willing to accept her as just a friend, then you'll only get her as a friend. I promise that's true.

 

Tell her right away you like her. Don't babble or make it long winded or hide anything. Tell her you heard from another source that she doesn't feel the same way and you just wanted to see if that was true. If she says it is, tell her you're sorry, but you can't be friends with her right now while you have feelings for her.... maybe in the future.

 

Then, move on.

 

Don't ever linger in the friend zone. You don't get any points based on the length of time you're there.

 

I guess I had it all wrong. I was hoping that if we started off as friends, it'd be easier to become something more. She's a great person, and I've always felt much better about life, and everything whenever I get a chance to talk with her. When we hang out, I know I'll be flirting with her, but when I do tell her, what I'm afraid of is losing her as a friend altogether. I'm afraid.

 

The friend zone...that's what I was trying to avoid since day one. I wanted to get to know her, but not so well as that I would be stuck in "friend-zone." I just feel like, if I can't be with her, losing her altogether is kind of unbearable.

 

I know I need to be honest, and I'm praying for the courage to put it all on the line. If I ask her, as i see it, there are only 2 options. Either I'll get lucky, or I'll have to push her out of my life as long as I still like her.

 

There's no third choice, is there?

[LE DHUY NHUT]

No there is no third choice.... ask her out on a date .

[SincerelyYours]

Should I worry about the other guy? He said that she would agree to a date with him if he asked...but he hasn't yet? I know I need to tell her how I feel, regardless of what happens, I don't understand why the other "guy" in her life would tell me that. (me and the other guy are casual friends)

[watergirl]

Well of *course* the acquaintance who also likes her is going to say that to you. He's your "competition"! I wouldn't listen to that at all. If you like her and you want to go out with her, make the move to do that! Don't let someone get between you and her, if you really want to date her.

[SincerelyYours]

I know I can't choose how she feels about me, so nothing might happen at all, but, as the big day is this weekend, I'm becoming nervous again. Should I delay being honest with her? I do have all summer to get to know her better.

 

I don't know if I should wait and see how this first "date" goes (I know its not a date) and tell her how I feel later on in the summer? I think it might be me just being a wuss at this point, looking to postpone the possibility of bad news, but, I'm not sure if its the nerves talking, or if its actually a smart move.

 

Should I wait? I'm... a bit anxious, and I don't want to rush things, but I also want to know what she feels as well. Should I give it more time, let her get to know me better? (thats what I thought dating was for..)

[Zeitgeist]

Tough situation. You're nervous, understandably. But what you need is some perspective. You're putting too much importance on her wanting to date you right now. Ask her out. She may say yes, she may say no, but at least you'll know. And if the answer is no, hold your head up high, and be VERY respectful of her decision. Do not complain, do not cry in front of her. You simply accept her choice. THIS is important if you want her respect. You go away, live your life, do your thing, work on improving yourself as a human being (because you're 19, and trust me, you have lots to work on), and who knows? Somewhere down the line, she may come back and realize she has feelings for you. If it's going to happen, she will need to remember how much she respected you for not being a sulky guy or for making her feel guilty for not wanting to date you way back when.

 

Then again, you may fall for another girl who's absolutely crazy about you. Life is funny that way - you just never know what might happen. BUT, you'll never find out if you don't TRY to make things happen.

[SincerelyYours]

Tough situation. You're nervous, understandably. But what you need is some perspective. You're putting too much importance on her wanting to date you right now. Ask her out. She may say yes, she may say no, but at least you'll know. And if the answer is no, hold your head up high, and be VERY respectful of her decision. Do not complain, do not cry in front of her. You simply accept her choice. THIS is important if you want her respect. You go away, live your life, do your thing, work on improving yourself as a human being (because you're 19, and trust me, you have lots to work on), and who knows? Somewhere down the line, she may come back and realize she has feelings for you.

 

That's good advice, thanks. Its just when "you go away..", does it mean cut her out completely?

 

And true, I do want to know. I had an hour and half long conversation last night, and the entire time my palms were sweating and I was just praying I wouldn't say anything stupid. I think that confirms I do like her, but I also realized that I would hate to lose her as a friend if I get a negative response. I know its not rational to expect to be friends with someone that's rejected you, but if anything, I'd love to spend more time with her to let her find out if I'm "compatible."

 

I mean, even if she does say no (I know her pretty well, and she would let me down lightly in the worst case scenario), should I try to still hang out with her as just a friend for the rest of the summer? ](*,)

 

(I think I'm still searching for the possibility of an answer between yes and no..."

[Zeitgeist]

What I mean is that you don't put in any effort to chase her. If there's going to be any contact, let her be the one to try. It's sort of a game, but not really. You need to not "invest" in her because it only becomes harder and harder for you. At the same time, if she has ANY feelings for you, she needs the opportunity to miss you. That won't happen if you're constantly there, being there for her AS A FRIEND. You say you want her around as a friend, but I have a feeling if you were really being honest with yourself, that's not entirely true. You want her around as a friend, because you're hoping if she gets to know you well enough, she will want you as a significant other. Part of you also wants her around because you desire her, and you figure, time with her as a friend, is better than nothing. Only, you probably will develop even stronger feelings (become emotionally "invested"), and will probably fool yourself into believing that she is as well. Truth is, that's very unlikely to happen.

 

This is all ONLY if she says no. She might say yes.