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Why don't I ever get asked out - EVER!

honeybee

By honeybee
in Dating Advice

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honeybee Explorer

honeybee

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So I've been single for the past 5 months but am finding it quite frustrating!

I get told by so many people how stunning I am (I have never felt the slightest bit pretty) and what a fabulous personality I have and that the guy that wins me will be the luckiest man alive, yet NO ONE will ask me out!

 

I have gone out with 3 guys in the past 2 months who I'm not attracted to but I got so fed up with not ever being asked out that I asked these guys out just for the sake of it.

 

The guys I like don't seem to even notice me. I already have very low self esteem, as a result of my last long term relationship, so I feel by not attracting the guys I'd like to attract, that there must be something wrong with me. It's really frustrating.

 

I'm not even asked out by guys who I'm not attracted to! I have to ask them out!

 

Any answers boys?!

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honeybee Explorer

honeybee

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I think I am! I am a very happy person and talk to anyone. I'm neither an introvert or extrovert. The guys I like I work with and get along great with them. We joke around etc. Even when I'm out with friends I'll chat to the guys I like and they are just nice to me.

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wtm78 Community Regular

wtm78

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I think I am! I am a very happy person and talk to anyone. I'm neither an introvert or extrovert. The guys I like I work with and get along great with them. We joke around etc. Even when I'm out with friends I'll chat to the guys I like and they are just nice to me.

 

i know of very nice person.. but not approachable.. got spikes... men get that.. know what i mean??

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lonelylight Newbie

lonelylight

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Uh, I think the people who want you to post a pic are going in the wrong direction.

 

Also, there are probably some men who will ignore most of a woman's flaws if they find her attractive, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to date one of them, however, if that's all they care about. That's not someone I'd want to be with.

 

Most of my guy friends who I respect say that they do notice a woman's attractiveness at first, but afterwards common interests, intelligence and personality become more important. True, looks and finding a woman visually appealing matter more to men, but even evolutionary biologists say that men are picky when selecting a mate and mate for more than just a hot bod. They want kindness, a nurturing nature, intelligence, and wit as well.

 

I've been in your situation before too. It's tough, but you'll get through it! And I'm sure will find a great boyfriend. Most importantly, I think you mentioned two things that may be holding you back.

 

1) You have low self esteem from your last relationship.

 

2) You get so frustrated, that you ask the guys out first, even though you're not into them!

 

As for 1, you should take some time for you, to reaffirm who you are outside of your relationship. Maybe it will take a week, or maybe it will be months. But I'm a firm believer in shoring up your self-esteem, recovering from old wounds, and knowing who you are before jumping into another relationship, although often the idea of jumping into a relationship would perhaps provide temporary relief, because then you would get away from the feelings of being alone, it would solve anything long-term.

 

As far as 2, why would you ask out guys you don't even like? You should wait until someone comes along you truly matches you in interests, goals, brains, whatever. I think it's a sign you're not really ready for a relationship yet, or trying to get one to get away from these feelings you have. When you're really ready for one, you won't settle for less than a guy who is your equal and who treats you with respect and courtesy (and who is also interested).

 

Isn't it possible that the guys you like are:

a) Already interested in someone else

b) Not ready to date, because they're recovering from a past relationship

c) Just focusing on their careers right now (guys totally do this, I've found women are more likely to mix figuring out a career/their life and romance)

d) Just plain nuts

e) Not ready to settle down/be with one girl, despite the awesomeness of the girl?

 

What I'm getting at is, these guys not asking you out may have nothing to do with you, but may be about where they are at in their lives right now. It would be wrong to assume that it's your fault.

 

Eventually a guy will come along and you will both be attracted to each other and eventually start a relationship. Meet some friends of friends, go to parties, start a new activity where you'll meet new people, maybe try internet dating. If you keep putting yourself out there and know what you're looking for, (and *you* are ready for him), then he'll turn up somehow.

 

My best to you.

 

Edit: Also, yeah, I agree with the "approachable" thing. A lot of communication between people is nonverbal, and if men get the idea you don't want to be approached, no matter how hot you are or interesting, they won't try. Maybe because you're unsure and vulnerable, they're picking up on signals to stay away?

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honeybee Explorer

honeybee

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I agree with all that you're saying! truly I do. But here is a scenario that I don't understand:

Gorgeous guy who is available and does go out with girls. He is focused on his career and knows he is very good looking but isn't arrogant. We don't speak much as it is awkward - like the nervous sexual tension. We always make the effort to say hi to each other when ever we see each other. We know enough about each other through one liners and the such. He makes comments to patients like "you have a fabulous nurse looking after you...". He will not make the move to ask me out. Can someone shed some light on this?

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Zeitgeist Explorer

Zeitgeist

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I agree with all that you're saying! truly I do. But here is a scenario that I don't understand:

Gorgeous guy who is available and does go out with girls. He is focused on his career and knows he is very good looking but isn't arrogant. We don't speak much as it is awkward - like the nervous sexual tension. We always make the effort to say hi to each other when ever we see each other. We know enough about each other through one liners and the such. He makes comments to patients like "you have a fabulous nurse looking after you...". He will not make the move to ask me out. Can someone shed some light on this?

Maybe he's shy? Maybe you haven't sent him any signals. Maybe he's already seeing someone? Or he just got out of a relationship like you, but might not be ready to date yet? Is he a doctor? Maybe he has a no-dating co-workers/nurses policy.

 

There's no answer you're going to get from us because you don't really know where he's coming from. There are a gazillion reasons why he might not be asking you out. It also includes, maybe he's just not interested?? That doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.

 

It sounds like you're getting frustrated by what's perfectly normal. We all go through dry spells. Much of dating and relationships is simply luck and timing. If that's you in the avatar, I don't think you're going to have to worry about waiting all that long. Be careful you don't let your frustrations with men show when you are around men. It scares us away. VERY quickly.

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CaptainPlanet Community Regular

CaptainPlanet

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I hate having to go through this so often but looks are very important.

 

If you are not good looking guys will not ask you out.

 

The only way to get asked out when you're not getting asked out is to lose weight, or you are not dressing well enough, or do not look approachable.

 

Its ridiculous to expect men to ask you out for who you are when we hardly know you, and if we get to know you will end up friend zoned.

 

So most of us only have good looks to go by.

 

Please post a picture if you want an honest answer, if not carry on much as you were before.

 

A special connection is nice but men cannot rely on that to happen because we need to be pro active as opposed to women who have the benefit of being reactive.

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GettingBetter Collaborator

GettingBetter

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I know that I've had some girl friends (and dated one of them) who are just absolutely stunning, and have so much going for them, but guys won't ask them out. I think they sometimes intimidate guys.

 

When I started going out with this one particularly beautiful girl, I did the asking but she helped me out a lot. I was intimidated and figured she was just way out of my league, or had a boyfriend or something, so talked to her as just a friend, but she started asking some deeper questions about me (nothing too deep, though; things like how well I got along with my parents). I started to pick up on the hint, but still kept things really casual. I didn't even asked her out, I just casually hinted that we should go out sometime (shy guys do this), but fortunately she was receptive enough that she turned that hint into a first date.

 

So, one approach would be to just help out the guys a little, like this girl did with me. There's been debate about whether a girl should ask a guy out, but I think we could probably all agree that a little boost (like the aforementioned) isn't a bad thing.

 

This moderate help should be largely independent of how you look. Unfortunately yes, most guys are rather shallow. But guys are also dumb, so if we don't pick up on hints don't be offended.

 

Also, this girl I dated was very beautiful--everyone told her that--but I think she for some reason didn't believe people. One thing I noticed is she wore a lot of makeup, I think trying to boost her own confidence in her looks, which wasn't necessarily but actually probably hurt more because I know many guys are turned off by excessive makeup.

 

Anyways, I hope this helps. Good luck, and don't get down about it. Dating sucks.

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SupaflyTNT Apprentice

SupaflyTNT

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I can tell you that I'm a doctor and I would much rather date someone that is NOT in the medical field. That means nurses and other doctors, etc. I can't quite pin down the reason for this, but nevertheless, it exists. So sometimes it has nothing to do with how you look or what you're doing personally. Maybe he just has a personal preference. (Oh, and I'm not saying I haven't tried dating within my field of work, I just get much more enjoyment out of dating outside of it)

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wtm78 Community Regular

wtm78

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Hmmm. Does that mean I have spikes?! I don't think I have spikes! Any other option than the spikes?! I don't like that option much!

 

no darling.. it doesnt mean you have spikes... maybe guys are afraid of you.. for some reasons..

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chocolates Contributor

chocolates

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i know a woman who never gets asked out, and its because when she is around men and they flirt with her, she gets defensive, and turns them off, as she kind seems to think flirting back is a weakness or something. She also has a really really big nose, and men do go by looks lets face it.

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Lauren8785 Enthusiast

Lauren8785

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I agree with all that you're saying! truly I do. But here is a scenario that I don't understand:

Gorgeous guy who is available and does go out with girls. He is focused on his career and knows he is very good looking but isn't arrogant. We don't speak much as it is awkward - like the nervous sexual tension. We always make the effort to say hi to each other when ever we see each other. We know enough about each other through one liners and the such. He makes comments to patients like "you have a fabulous nurse looking after you...". He will not make the move to ask me out. Can someone shed some light on this?

 

Maybe it's just plain flirting for fun! Guys can/will flirt and it doesn't necessarily mean they're into you! Some guys do that at the office to make the day go by. You know to just kind of "unwind" so to speak. Maybe get a chuckle to help ease a stressful day. I wouldn't read into this guy very much because he may or may not like you like that. I wouldn't let it go to my head.

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hockeyplaya44 Enthusiast

hockeyplaya44

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If you are not good looking guys will not ask you out.

 

QUOTE]

 

 

pfffft well i'd prefer to NOT be asked out by someone so shallow as to only judge me by my looks. thanks but no thanks.

 

People need to understand it has absolutely nothing to do with being shallow. You can't be in a relationship with someone you aren't attracted to, it's a fact of life and that's just the way it is. Why would a guy EVER approach a girl who he wasn't attracted to? You can't tell me you'd make an effort to talk to a guy you're not attracted to because he might turn out to be nice.

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Jeremiah Johnson Rookie

Jeremiah Johnson

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(I have never felt the slightest bit pretty)

I already have very low self esteem

 

Those were two statements I noted in your original post. I'd say your reason is right there in those words. A woman's real beauty shines through in what she thinks of herself. If you don't think anything of yourself, then you're not going to draw people to you.

 

What you actually look like physically is minor.

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drewciouS281 Enthusiast

drewciouS281

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take your time hunnybee! if you still have self esteem issues, maybe the guys are sensing that. 5 months isnt that long to be single. Ive been single 8 months by my own choosing to work on the damage done by my last relationship. work on your self esteem and then give it a go! whoo hoo!

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