I won't let my mother keep my daughter

[Anna.]

I've got to get some unbiased input b/c this is really botherig me. I have a 5 month old. My older brother lives with my mother. He is a drug addict. He has horrible mood swings and doesn't work half the time. He has always been the closest to my mother out of my siblings and I.

 

My parents live apart and dislike each other but will not get a divorce because there are too many assets to divide including land and a company, and everyone knows how messy it would get, so they both live miserably to be honest. They've been unhappy since I was about 15 and I am now 23. They've lived apart for over a year and a half now. Sometimes I think it'd be better if they were poor b/c they would have already divorced and moved on. Also, in my family we just ignore problems and hope they go away (they don't).

 

Anyway, my mother takes too much medication (nerve and pain pills) a lot of the time. And she drinks too much a lot as well (mainly drinking at night). Some days she's fine and other days she's out of it. I love my mother and until I was 15 (I'm the youngest of 4) she did a good job raising us.

 

Getting to the point, she was keeping my daughter occasionally for me to go to school and to run errands sometimes. Well, I've started having class every day and she was supposed to be keeping my daughter for me, but there have honestly been days I walked in and talked to her for a minute and turned around and left with my child because I didn't feel comfortable leaving her there. Also my brother is on drugs and is a loose cannon with his temper and has no respect for my wishes about my daughter (cussing, watching vulgar things on tv, etc.) and he is there during the day sometimes; mainly his bad days.

 

I finally just put my foot down after walking in to visit them and my brother started screaming and cussing at me in front of my daughter after I said something just joking with him. I lost my temper and said some hateful things to them and I told my mother that I would not leave my daughter with her again. Since then, I have remained calm and tried to explain that I just can't rely on her to be sober enough and that I honestly don't want my brother around my child.

 

She is in denial and will not acknowledge that there is a problem. Keep in mind my brother does HARD drugs, not while he is at home but comes home after doing them. She lies to me now and tells me she hasn't taken anything when I know she has and she has never been a liar, but she's started lying to cover her habits up.

 

She is truly heartbroken and has called several times a day crying or mad everyday, saying she's leaving town for a while and all kinds of things. I can feel how hurt she is in her voice, and I feel horrible, but I know I am doing the right thing. But it hurts, I've always been close to my mother and I hate to see her hurting. But I can't just turn the other way and pretend everything's ok anymore. And the rest of my family agrees with me, but will not stand up to them, and I'm the one left without a choice. My child's well-being comes first. Period.

 

Any advice?

[greywolf]

hmmmm I don't have any advice to help you about your family.

 

As for your daughter, I know schools normally have a daycare center for students that have children. Maybe you could check if your school has that.

[Anna.]

Mine doesn't. I'm trying to get assistance to put her in a flexible daycare that I can leave her at while I'm at school.

[lostandhurt]

If it doesn't feel right to you don't leave your child anywhere because it is convenient. How about having your mom come to your house to watch your little one? It is not your job to fix your family so don't even try. It took along time to get where they are and they don't want to change so it wouldn't work no matter what you did. Keep looking for another child care option, single parent support groups, social services info, what ever it takes.

 

good luck

lost

[Mommy_Kitty_1985]

Hi. First off, good for you for putting your daughter first. Good for you for being a responsible mother. A lot of people in a hard situation would just end up leaving their kids in an unsafe environment and you've obviously got your head on right.

 

If your mom & bro can't admit that there is a problem, well that's a problem in itself. And not one that could be easily corrected, unfortunately enough. Maybe with time your mother will realize that a relationship with her granddaughter is more important than the pills, and her son's mental health deserves a good appraisal. Hopefully she will come to these realizations, and get help for the both of them. But it has to be her decision because it is so very hard to get others to conform to what we wish they would do, unfortunately.

 

Could social services help you out, maybe? Here in my state, social services will help pay for day care if you're a working mother and are low income. Where is the father, what about his parents? Maybe they could help, though I have a feeling due to the circumstances maybe the father isn't in the picture.

[Hellzapoppin]

Hon, you don't need a bit of advice! You are absolutely, categorically, undeniably doing THE RIGHT THING!

Your precious baby is only 5 months old. She is TOTALLY DEPENDENT upon whoever is caring for her, and whoever you entrust with her needs to be SAFE.

You are NOT "being mean" to your mother! Not at all.

I completely disagree with the poster who said you should ask her to come over and babysit at your home - the woman is on drugs and:

Anyway, my mother takes too much medication (nerve and pain pills) a lot of the time. And she drinks too much a lot as well (mainly drinking at night). Some days she's fine and other days she's out of it.

 

She is NOT SAFE, even in your home. She's in thermo-nuclear meltdown because of the way she has been living; the problems with her marriage and her enabling of your brother - TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU, I would not allow him around my precious baby, either.

 

Our #1 goal (I have 2 kids) as a mother, OUR HIGHEST CALLING, is to PROTECT OUR CHILDREN. We must protect them, we must put their safety first.

If your mother chooses - and that's exactly what she is doing - if she chooses to enable your brother and live in that mess, instead of straightening herself, her marriage, and her life out so she can share your joy, then you are going to have to continue to do exactly what you are doing; and that is, making sure your child is cared for, safely.

 

You are not being mean to her.

 

The best thing for her would be to FACE the truth. But no one can do that for her, and she may or may not ever do it. But until she straightens herself out, she should NOT take care of your child, at her home, or yours.

 

You are doing the right thing; no question about it!

[Anna.]

Thank you guys! I guess I just wanted some reassurance.

 

Miss Kitty, her father is in the picture, he keeps her 2 nights a week. But he and his parents work during the day when I need help. And I did apply for assistance but it could take up to 45 days to get it going if I qualify, (I should I'm a poor college student!). Right now my friends are helping me, but I know I can't lean on them forever.

 

But Anyway I appreciate the helpful posts.