Night of drama-invited ex for my birthday party!

[tushboy]

I bumped into him last night at a club. I didn't expect him to be there at all. SO naturally I was shocked ! He was looking awesome and really happy. I just smiled at him but we didnt talk at all..

 

Later on some guys came up to me (I am gay and it was a gay club) and started dirty dancing with me, I didn't stop myself and carried on...I kissed a guy in front of my ex, but didn't check if he was looking. He didn't seem to bother at all.

 

Towards the end I was totally sloshed so I walked up to him to have a word, he didn't seem too keen to talk, so I backed off. But when I stepped out I again saw him so I just told him "can you come here for a bit ?" ..then I told him "I am havin a birthday party next saturday, I don't know if you will come, but it will be nice if you can"......he didn't say anything, just paused and said, "Ok I will try" and walked away..

 

 

Later I again saw him at a common restaurant where I went for dinner....it was crazy, I just kept bumping into him again and again and again !! So I just texted him to call me as I was on my way back driving alone.....He knew I was drunk so I thought maybe he will check up on me to see if I would reach safe.....I just called and asked him how he was doing and we had a little formal chat not over 3 minutes. I was the first one to hang up and said goodbye...

 

The night ended with me texting and checkin if he had reached home safely and he replied with a "yes"...that was it!

 

 

I was clearly in charge in the beginnign of the night, gettin him a bit jealous, but later on few drinks down I let go of my brave act and looked like a puppy in love....I guess he realised that even though am in NC I still think about him.

 

Now, I am wondering if he will show up for my birthday party ....and if he does how am I going to react !! My friends r already mad at me that I called him!

 

But it felt good to see him, have him in front of my eyes....we met up after a long time.

[Hayles]

Hmmm... alcohol and exes, never a good mix and has led to many a regrettable evening for most! I don't know the guy, but honestly, I doubt he will end up turning up to your party, and to get theupper hand back - Don't try to call or SMS to remind him, just leave it be now. You don't want to look desperate!

[tushboy]

I don't know if he will or will not turn up...but something tells me he will and I won't be able to resist the temptation of being myself and wanting to spend some quality time with him.....I just wanted to be with him this birthday...and knowing that he's still single makes it more tough to just walk away.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Oh Tushboy...why do you keep doing this to yourself. You need to let him go...this guy treated you like crap and you are still chasing after him. The only time you were in charge at the beginning of the night was before you walked in and saw him. Once you saw him you were no longer in charge...the dancing, the kissing, was all for his benefit...your whole evening was all about him...when it should have been all about you. You don't need this guy...the more you chase, the more it inflates his ego but nothing more. This is so incredibly toxic for you. He is clearly your drug and you can't withdraw. You really do need to get a handle on this, for your own well-being.

[Clabs]

Hey TB - I am here too to wrap your knuckles too!

 

Mate - this'll just end in the same hurt that it did before - you have to break this distructive cycle. Think of just how low you were before. Think how badly he has treated you.

 

I agree with Crazyaboutdogs - just think how big his ego must be with you constantly stroking it.

 

We all want you to be happy but I think you know that deep down in your heart - you won't find it here. It will just in the same horrible mess.

 

Mark

[tushboy]

So what should I do about the invitation to the party ? I don't know it's just that in my head I wanted to be with him on my birthday....last year I had gate crashed his birthday party just to be with him...even though I wasn't invited. I always had images pictures of how the day would be....and knowing he won't be around would just make me glum.....I know he will come..I don't know why I want to give another chance to this guy. I just feel like we have gone thru so much of stuff that it's like there's some connection between us.

[Clabs]

TB - you have gone through so much stuff together but it has all been pretty rotten really, hasn't it? Come on - read back through your posts.

 

Sure - you might be a bit glum on your birthday - but get that out of the way and walk forward. All you are doing here is hanging on to something bad and unhealthy - and it stops you from healing. You have to draw a line somewhere and tell yourself enough is enough.

 

Mark

[Crazyaboutdogs]

....last year I had gate crashed his birthday party just to be with him...even though I wasn't invited

 

Please try to read that as if you were reading about someone else's life. If someone doesn't invite you to a party, why would you want to bother crashing it to be around them. You really do have an unhealthy view of this "relationship". You don't need to be with this guy on his birthday or on your birthday. You are imposing your presense on him and it is way too obsessive.

[tushboy]

Please try to read that as if you were reading about someone else's life. If someone doesn't invite you to a party, why would you want to bother crashing it to be around them. You really do have an unhealthy view of this "relationship". You don't need to be with this guy on his birthday or on your birthday. You are imposing your presense on him and it is way too obsessive.

 

I 've reduced the obsessiveness...I am in NC now...been like this for past week until last night....My feelings are clearly all over the place. I won't revolve my birthday around him being or not being there....but if he comes it will definitely make me happy. I know I need to move on and it's a choice I want to make, I am moving on....keeping the hope that some day we both may realise we can make things work for the better.

[tushboy]

TB - you have gone through so much stuff together but it has all been pretty rotten really, hasn't it? Come on - read back through your posts.

 

Sure - you might be a bit glum on your birthday - but get that out of the way and walk forward. All you are doing here is hanging on to something bad and unhealthy - and it stops you from healing. You have to draw a line somewhere and tell yourself enough is enough.

 

Mark

 

I know Mark you are gonna get all mad on me, but you know what as time goes on and the days pass I am getting to believe more and more that we do have some karmic connection....we can make things work if he chooses to let go of his past and I choose to give him another chance at proving his love for me...yes he's left me twice....but I know for certain he will be back again and this time we will take it slow....I jumped the gun way too early the second time...this time we both will learn from our mistakes and strive to have a healthy relationship.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I know Mark you are gonna get all mad on me, but you know what as time goes on and the days pass I am getting to believe more and more that we do have some karmic connection....we can make things work if he chooses to let go of his past and I choose to give him another chance at proving his love for me...yes he's left me twice....but I know for certain he will be back again and this time we will take it slow....I jumped the gun way too early the second time...this time we both will learn from our mistakes and strive to have a healthy relationship.

 

 

You are doing everything possible that results in an unhealthy relationship. You are chasing after him, showing desperation. You have not changed your strategy..you are still chasing him and have him on a pedastal...you whole world revolves around getting him back and you can't see beyond having a life with him in it even if it is a life with you running after him and begging to have him in your life. While there may be some kind of connection, it is not a healthy one....it is a seriously co-dependent one. Sure, he may come back for round three...then it will be the same thing all over again...he will walk away from you and you will chase and chase again until he is back for round 4, round 5...... How long will this insanity continue? You can indeed live without him if you set your mind to it...but your mind is set on chasing after him and degrading yourself in the process.

[Stella Sleepwalks]

I agree with everything that has been said here.

 

You need to listen to your head NOT your heart, put a higher value on yourself and show the world that you are worthy of a healthy relationship. This isn't healthy hunny! I have finally relented, (after a very positive break in NC), that although he obviously still cares for me, and if I was to REALLY try I would probably get him back - but I deserve better.

 

He is NEVER going to change, and by the sounds of it neither is your ex. You need to accept that it is over for the best, not the worst and move forward without looking back. Anyone who has tha amount of control over you that you would end up flipping out (when you broke up last time), is not worthy.

[Clabs]

Hey TB

 

"we can make things work if he chooses to let go of his past"

 

BINGO!

 

That is just it - he cannot just chose to let go of his past - look at how much people struggle on here getting over their exes. Look at what effect peoples exes have on them often for a very long time.

 

I'm not gonna get mad at you - I just think you are setting yourself up with false hope and more hurt and pain. He has dumped you twice, hasn't he? How could you trust him to not do it again? If it were me I would constantly be on my guard waiting for those words again - not a basis for healthy relationship.

 

Mark

[tushboy]

I know this is not healthy and at the end of the day it's really upto me to choose between the good and the bad. Honestly at this point I have stopped contacting him, as I know my feelings are all over the place even after weeks of break up and I am not in a position to have a normal conversation with him...

 

It was evident from my encounter with him last night how much I still wantd to be with him and pine for him. At the moment I have made my decision I will carry on with NC till the point I am able to face him with the chances of having zero expecation....Till then I want to improve on myself, look better, live better, stay positive.

 

I am not giving up on a third attempt at getting back...I am going with an open mind, but also not trying to set up sand castles or daydream that he will come back. I just am not ready to give up so easily, but I don't wanna put up a fight. I am now leaving it to HIM to decide what's the best for us both. If HE chooses that we have one more chance then so be it, if not then I will always cherish the good memories I had with this guy.

 

I am not missing him anymore, he's with me in my heart..in a separate corner made just for him.

[emalkoc]

I think you need to see a counseling. At this point, this is an obssession. This is dangerous for your mental and physical health.

[tushboy]

I think you need to see a counseling. At this point, this is an obssession. This is dangerous for your mental and physical health.

 

How is being in NC...carryin on wit your life but not letting go of a reconciliation an obssesion ?

[emalkoc]

How is being in NC...carryin on wit your life but not letting go of a reconciliation an obssesion ?

 

come on! going places your ex goes, talking to him when you see him in every chance, thinking of him and writing these boards, you are so occupied with him. You need treat this as obsession Tushboy. I know it is hard but looking from outside is so obvious. I had a friend once who gambled so much and he always said he is not addictive, but yet lost money every time until he went bankcrupt and ruined his job, health, friends...I used to tell him that he needs to get out of this addiction...but he claimed it was not..you are doing the same.

[browneyedgirl36]

How is being in NC...carryin on wit your life but not letting go of a reconciliation an obssesion ?

 

TB, those things do not mean obsession if you're actually DOING them, but you've barely been NC with him at all since the last break up. A week or two just isn't long enough to promote healing.

 

As for carrying on with your life, well...at this point you're not, because you are still really hung up on the idea of getting him back. You say you're "keeping the door open" for a THIRD try -- just pause for a second and read that again...a THIRD try. How many chances/tries are you going to give this? And, how much of your thoughts is this "keeping the door open" going to occupy? At what point will you say you've had enough and admit to yourself that maybe he isn't good for you -- after the fourth time? The seventh?

 

I'm not trying to be hard on you; I understand how you feel. I miss my last ex terribly, and the past few days have been very sad for me, but...I have to be realistic. Even if he did come back (which is unlikely), it probably wouldn't work, and it wouldn't be particularly healthy for me. Something very important that I had to learn, that I think we ALL need to realize, is that what we want isn't always what we need. In fact no matter how much we tell ourselves we want what's best for ourselves, many times what we want ISN'T what's best for us -- what it is instead is something that we feel will fill some void or hole in our life, something we've convinced ourselves will make us "complete." We often say to ourselves, "If only _______________ would happen, I'd be happy." In the case of an ex, we often convince ourselves that we "need" our exes in order to be happy, and that is simply not so! I think that in MANY cases -- both mine and yours, as well as those of many other folks posting here -- we'd probably ultimately be MUCH happier on our own or with someone else, NOT the ex, but we're so caught up in what we think will complete us, what we think will "fix" us, that we can't see that the very thing we think will make us happy is the thing that, up to this point, has made us pretty miserable (or caused us to make ourselves miserable).

 

The responses to your posts are not meant to chastise you for being human and having feelings; those of us who have responded to you have read your posts from months back and are giving you an objective viewpoint based on what you have told us about your ex, your relationship, your break-ups, your previous reconciliation, and how both of you have acted over the course of the break-ups.

 

I hope you will do NC with your ex for awhile, and quite frankly, I think that the BEST thing you could do is to tell him that, when you invited him to your party, you were drunk, and that you've been doing some thinking and that it's probably best if he stayed away from your party -- that you need time away from him to move past everything. This does NOT mean you won't ever talk to him again, and if he really cared about you at all, he'd understand. I think you really need to step away from him and work toward moving forward so that, whatever happens, you will be OK.

 

Keep us posted on everything, and hang in there.

[tushboy]

Thank you for takign time out and writing this for me....I know what you mean when you say about trying for a third time....but trust me this time I will wait for him to prove his love to me...I won't jump into it and won't make the same mistakes of rushing in like before.

 

In the mean time I am movign on....I have resumed NC...plan to cancel my birthday party and just chill with folks or close friends. Have told him my party is off so I don't meet him....NC is important for me if I want to give us another chance or move on totally.....At the moment I am moving on and getting busy with life, but also knowing and looking forward tot he day he realises his mistake and comes back to me wanting to make what we have work out.

 

I know that day will come soon. I have faith and belief in everything that's in my better interest.

[bepositive]

 

In the mean time I am movign on....I have resumed NC...plan to cancel my birthday party and just chill with folks or close friends. Have told him my party is off so I don't meet him....

 

Hey, TB

 

I think this is a great idea, as it doesn't sound like you're in the mood for a real party-type celebration for your birthday. Spending time with close, supportive friends is one of the best things you can do right now. Mine have done wonders for me. And as one of them has been going through job and financial issues, I've had the opportunity to return the favor.

 

Someone's always here when you need us...

[tushboy]

Hey, TB

 

I think this is a great idea, as it doesn't sound like you're in the mood for a real party-type celebration for your birthday. Spending time with close, supportive friends is one of the best things you can do right now. Mine have done wonders for me. And as one of them has been going through job and financial issues, I've had the opportunity to return the favor.

 

Someone's always here when you need us...

 

I really can't fake having a party and a good time when I know I will be missing him...I would rather just be at home and chill than be out at a party and pretend to be happy.