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My husband cheated - we reconciled, but he can't forget her


sad and confused
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My husband and I have been married for 3 years and have 2 beautiful girls. Approximately 2 months ago, he told me he had an affair with a girl (she's 22 he's 29 and I am 31) that he works with. He said he desperately wanted to work things out with me and that he truly loved me and would do anything to make it work. We were fine for a little over a month, and then, because of work related things, the old feelings came rushing back. I have tried to be supportive while he works out his feelings - but as you can imagine it is difficult. He says that he knows that he loves me, that I am the right one for him - but there is just something about her that puts a "spell" over him. According to him, she orders him around, and he can't figure out why he responds to her. He has always been such a strong individual. Not one to easily be swayed. He says that if he could take a pill to make himself stop feeling this way he would.

I am an emotional mess. Every time he leaves the house all I can do is cry. I ask him to have faith in our marriage and give it a chance regardless of what has happened in the past. I have found counselors to work with, he just needs to make a decision.

 

Any advise?

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Yes, its time for you to lay out an ultimatum for him. Either he comes with you to counseling and agrees not to see this other woman again - or you want him gone.

 

If he truly wants to work this out with you - then these are reasonable demands. And if he is just playing with you and wants to keep this other woman around, then you will find out once you lay it on the line. He will probably have to change jobs. Well, thats the price he has to pay to save the marriage.

 

Right now there isn't any motivation for him to decide. He gets to have both of you under the current circumstances. And that is intolerable for you. I applaud you for wanting to try and make it work, but he must do the same for this to be successful.

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You both have to be putting in equal effort into resolving your relationship problems. I do not know your affairs but going by what i read it sounds like he is might be avoiding taking responsibility. You can try and sort out mediation but unless he initiates the steps of prioritising the family unit above all else i am afraid nothing is going to change. I am not one for laying ultimatums because that is an easy root to rejection but what i do myaelf and would advice is 'withdrawal' of sorts on your part. Make him realise that his actions are making him 'separate'.... If he does want to reconcile.....he will.

 

Love yourself above all others. Ask yourself how deserving are you of the treatment you experience from the hands of others. Do you accept this? reject it? Or feel repressed and subjugated? Take your power back. You have got two kids to think about. As a mother i speak from real life experience that nothing i sworse than being the reason for your children's 'issues'. They see what we do and look to replicate. Selective memory won't be off help in a few years.

 

Good luck be with you and may you get what you NEED

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Hello

 

This is very tough for you I'm sure. Cheating is what totally destroys the many years of trust. Once it is gone, it is very very hard to get back in round two. The reason is it should never have left round one. Something to remember her is you did not do anything wrong here. You are the victim, not the cheater. My ex cheated on me and as much as I love her and would love to have her back. The hard honest truth is, I could never really totally trust her again. It also degrades on your self-esteem, like you not good enough. When I'm sure you have been a kind and caring and supportive partner. It is time for this guy to make up his mind.Like Avman said, he wants his cake and eat it to. Sorry Jack, it is time for you to do the hard work for the wreckage you caused. Get a new job, dump the girlfriend. and he had better do something like really special for you. Making you cry everytime he leaves the house, what a bastard hate to say it. You tell him for me, that if he does not pull it together and like "NOW" you tell him as far as a "SPELL"......well put it to him this way, the only thing he will have learn how to "SPELL" is the name of your divorce lawyer. I hate to be so cold, but you need to kick this guy to the curb. You deserve alot better. And do you really want to live for the rest of your life always wondering about Mr. Cheater. Life is to short, so spend it with someone you can love and trust. He is disrespecting you, and what you vowed to stand for.

 

Kuhl

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I agree with Kuhl why doesn't he leave his job as if his feelings aren't strong about here then this would help your marriage? I am most certainlt not saying that it will make your lives complete again this would take time and effort and without knowing all the facts maybe work where you live is hard to come by for his occupation but this would make a big show of how dedicated he was to you. Again like Kuhl mentioned can you handle living with him still after he has done this to you? The honesty and and trust you once gave him will not be there for along time if ever and this you have to think about.

 

Don't feel negative about yourself though you are still young and will meet another if you so wish and you have done nothing wrong as far as I can tell from your message. You don't want him to be with you just because of threats though I would assume you want him to be with you as that is what he wants to do. So threats may push him away, you know him better than I do, some people see what they are missing more by by seeing a friendly face not a vengeful face (that is if you want him to stay). I guess most of all is if he won't see a marriage guidance councillor with you then he doesn't really want to try and then your mind has been made up for you.

 

Hope it works out.

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  • 4 weeks later...

HI sad and confused. I know where you're coming from as I am going thorugh a similar thing at the moment. Only difference is when we reconciled a few weeks before Christmas, my husband wouldn't consider changing jobs so he would have no contact with his lover. When he left last September we cashed our endowments in on our mortgage and I have continued to pay the interest on the mortgage. Our mortagage is due tobe repaid in 9 yeasr time and I have no way of doing that now unless I sell the house. I asked him if we could move to a smaller property with a smaller mortgage so that if he left again I would be able to cope and the house would ultimately be mine and not the bank's. His reply was " Do you think I would do this to you and the kids again?" On the 27th December he said he didn't love me like a husband should and he still fancied her even though they had split and he was leaving again! Three weeks he has been here since he told me that, and he moves to a flat on Friday. It has been hell having the man you love living with you in those circumstances. So my advice to you is give him an ultimatum...ok you may not get the response you want, but if he doesn't do as you ask then he isn't serious about wanting you for you, and you are not second best to anyone. If he can do it once he will do it again and at the end of the day the only person you can really trust is yourself. I'm sure there are good men out there, and I hope to find one. I hope it all works out for you...good luck.

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Hello.

 

I'm puzzled by his statement that she has a "spell" over him. In a marriage the "spell" is cast by the partner, not some person outside the marriage. I agree with the consensus that he needs to get away from that job in order for him to focus on saving his marriage. Counseling is a good idea, but he needs to talk to you, 1 on 1, without a therapist present. Don't just let him get away with "fixing" the problem with a therapist, he should be able to do that with you.

 

Don't get caught up into the "what does she have that I don't" agenda. He'll just back off and deny if confronted. Rather, with as much compassion as you can muster, ask him what she gave him that you, from his point of view, didn't and take it from there. Once he responds, you can then make a conscious choice of whether to leave or stay.

 

You need to respect your boundaries and what you are willing to do for him, yourself and the marriage. But, at least you will have information that will guide you towards an intelligent decision. You say you can't be happy anymore. Most understandable. Unless this problem is cleared, your marriage hangs by a thread. Good marriages are based on trust and closeness. If he cheated and wants to come back, it has to be more than words. Along with telling you what he wants from you that he gets from his lover, he has to promise not just to go back to "where he was" even more! That's the only way "I'm sorry" works.

 

In terms of your children, kids are sensitive to all that goes on in a family. Having him stay, your being unhappy is not a good environment for them. Neither is your leaving, with anger, pain, and unresolved issues. For the time being, focus on the marriage and follow some of these suggestions. Only then will you know whether to stay or leave and trusting your heart, you can then go on with your life.

 

Good Luck

 

JSHRN

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  • 2 weeks later...

Purposefully, I haven't read the previous posts. If I am repeating, please forgive me.

 

Perhaps, your husband has a deep seated feeling of entitlement.

 

He may feel entitled to get the girl / fantasy he always wanted, only this is the only point in his life he has a chance to get it. Not surprising, since he obviously shows a level of commitment that some women seem to want.

 

Not saying he's vindicated, but I was hoping to give you a place to start.

 

I believe that he does love you.

 

-A

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